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For a long time up until recently, I used to be afraid of intimidating other people. Specifically, men.
Since my early 20s (I’m now 28), I’ve been regarded as a power woman by peers and acquaintances. My friends would frequently describe me as smart, sharp, driven, strong, powerful, capable, and intellectual. Some would even say that I’m fearless, while a friend once told me that I’m the smartest person she knows (which I found an extreme compliment).
Most of these comments stem from my personal accomplishments, which are quite different from others in my circle, or even in the society I live in.
Back in school, in university, I was on the Dean’s List, an honor roll reserved for top students, and graduated top in my specialization of Marketing. Two years before my scheduled graduation, I was able to secure a place in a Fortune 100 company over hundreds of other candidates, something I was very proud of and humbled by.
Then when I was 24, I quit my well-paying job, right at the peak of the 2007-2008 financial crisis no less, to pursue my passion and start my personal development business—even though I had no prior experience in the field. I then created the blog you’re reading now, and in less than three years, built it more than one million pageviews a month.
It’s now been four years since I quit, and my passion now earns me more than my previous job. Today, I write at PE to a readership of half a million readers a month, and I’m frequently interviewed in the media, including TV and radio.
Not too long ago, I traveled around the world by myself for seven months without any itinerary, going from place to place in Europe, then the U.S., basically creating my agenda on the fly. Depending on how things go, I’m possibly going on another long trip this year, exploring places like India, South Africa, and South America.
During the time I did the above (and even at this point of writing), these actions are not typical of the average person in Singapore. In general, the typical person here is expected to get a day job, follow the rules, not talk back, not go against the grain, and do as you’re told–and it’s even more so for women in my generation. I’ve done anything but that, and this is something that inspires (mainly women) and surprises people.
With my friends in Hong Kong
“Powerful” = Unfeminine?
Despite people praising me from a place of good intention, I would feel mixed about being such a “strong” person (woman).
For a long time, my biggest struggle was that by being so “strong” and “powerful,” I would be unfeminine. For while I’m driven, passionate about success and mildly accomplished in my field, these factors are considered masculine, “yang” (as in yin-yang) qualities, and are not necessarily things that men look for when considering a romantic prospect.
If anything, they are seen as negative traits for a female to have, because they make her unfeminine. This is especially so in Asia where I live, where males prefer to have female partners who are more easy-going and less opinionated.
While I’m consistently building on my feminine qualities, I felt—in the past—that my drive, my strength, and achievements would offset whatever femininity I had—and in a way, my “appeal” towards men.
I felt sad and conflicted because it seemed that I was making myself increasingly unappealing to men by virtue of every step I took in my career and growth. Since becoming more prominent in my career would naturally make me a more powerful character, men would find my success too intimidating and hence back off from pursuing me, rather than consider me romantically.
Note that I do have men expressing and/or showing interest in me; many times I’m flattered by the attention I get from some guys. However, this still did not stop me from having the above concerns, for it is a societal fact that many men (particularly Asians) prefer less dominating, less opinionated females.
By being more and more accomplished, I felt that I was in fact digging my own grave in the area of romance. The further I “climbed,” the harder it seemed for me to find a guy who could match my achievements. People often speak of the archetypal lone career woman who is highly accomplished yet barren in her love life, and I could see myself gradually trawling into this direction.
While I am totally okay and at peace with being a single (I would rather be single than be with someone I don’t like), I don’t want to end up as that archetype if I can have my way. I believe love is an important part of life, and I would love to share my life and myself with another.
So, I would shirk my character. When around others, I would dumb myself down as much as possible. Rather than think critically and share my analytical opinions, I would put my analytical brain on hold. I would hide my opinions, unless asked to speak—even then, I would be very choiceful about what I said and how I said it. I would smile a lot and talk little. I would stay away from talking about myself or anything that would remotely pointed to my “success.”
It got to the point where I felt that I was turning into a brainless, empty—and if I may say so—pretty-face shell.
Still Intimidating Guys Even Though I Was Trying Not To
Believe it or not, even though I was trying my utmost ability not to intimidate guys, I would still wind up intimidating them anyway, through no direct action of my own.
One can tell based on their behaviors. Some would clam up when I’m around. Some would speak nervously. Some would try to put me down and rebut whatever I say. There was this guy I met last year who became highly antagonistic towards me after just three minutes of conversation, even though I was being nothing but amicable. (I later found out from a common friend that he is highly averse to strong female characters.)
I thought one reason for the unwitting intimidation could be my height, which is 1.7m—taller than the average Asian girl. Another reason could be my talking speed, which is faster than the average person. Yet another reason could be my presence, which is apparently quite strong. Often times, people could sense my presence right when I walk into a room (even in trains) and look up from their resting state.
This reminds me of this incident two years ago where a friend’s friend, Kev, who is a spiritual practitioner, located me in a very busy location in Hong Kong by way of my aura, during the peak hours no less. (I was there for a business trip.) While my friend Fenix was getting ready to text me and check where I was, Kev simply told him, “No need. I know where she is. Follow me,” and found me in the next minute!
The interesting thing was that Kev and I had never met before. When I asked him how he did that, he said my aura was so strong that it outshone all the people there (probably two hundred at least). According to him, all he had to do was simply close his eyes and “follow the light.”
Questioning My Femininity
My constant intimidation of male characters without trying to do so when I was already dumbing myself down / shirking my character was perplexing. It got to a point where I questioned my femininity.
Am I not feminine enough? Am I not skinny enough? Am I not attractive enough? Am I too intimidating? Am I a very scary person? Am I not appealing enough as a woman? Am I not worthy of pursuing? Is there something wrong with me? Should I lose weight? Should I change to become a different character? I wondered.
Deep down, I thought there was something wrong with me as a woman. Where others have no problems landing the relationship of their dreams, I seem unable to do so. While I have never had any problems achieving business goals or developing awesome friendships, it would seem that getting into a romantic relationship with someone I desire was out of my grasp.
So in my darkest moments, I thought that—hey—perhaps I had failed, you know? That perhaps I had failed, as a woman? That regardless of what I did, be it shirking myself down or being my natural self, I couldn’t never seem to get into the relationship of my dreams. That perhaps, it was just not in my destiny to be with someone in this lifetime, and I could only wish for that in my next life.
With my friends (from left to right): Fenix, Rita, myself, my friend B
Revelation
It took a while, but I finally found the answer to my heart’s dilemma. I was chatting with my good friend Rita while I was in Hong Kong, and she said something that made me see the situation in a different light.
I had always thought that the solution to my guy-intimidation problems was to shirk my character, dumb myself down, and/or work on my appeal as a woman… so that I would not intimidate guys anymore, or at the very least, not intimidate guys so much that they wouldn’t want to woo me.
However, while I was chatting with Rita, I asked her if there was a possibility that some guys would be afraid to woo me because they didn’t want to hurt me, say due to my longstanding singlehood.
Rita thought for a while, and said, “I think that might be true for other girls. But for you, I think it’s more of a case that guys are afraid you would hurt them.”
While my immediate reaction was to burst out laughing because the thought of that happening sounded so ludicrous, I immediately stopped to think right after. For if it is really true that some guys are shying away from me because they are afraid that I would hurt them, just as there have constantly been guys who would feel intimidated by me no matter what I do (or don’t do, even), then it just means that… these guys aren’t right for me, be it as a friend or as a romantic prospect.
Because I’m not an inherently scary person, or at least I don’t try to be. I don’t try to intimidate people. I don’t harbor bad intentions against others. I buy cruelty-products where I can. I try to help people where I can; heck, I’ve even dedicated my life to doing that. I never try to change others because I believe it’s not our place to tell others how they should behave. I respect individuals as I respect myself. I put my heart forward in whatever I do and I treat people with full earnesty and respect.
If guys can somehow feel intimidated by me even when I’m not even trying to intimidate them at all, if they can somehow feel scared by my character/presence/drive/ambition when I’m simply just trying to be myself and to be a good person, then that’s really just too bad and not a problem I should bind myself with.
Rather than feel inferior about myself, I should take pride in my ability to strike such deep emotions of fear in men no less, because I can imagine it probably takes a lot for guys to feel that—fear, awe, intimidation, all rolled into one—about a girl.
Suddenly, I felt that I had finally solved a long-standing problem that had been bugging my soul and tying down my heart for the longest time.
At the Hong Kong PE readers meet-up! Clockwise, from left: Gabbie, Michael, Elton, Kit, Rita, myself, Serene
Finding Someone Who Is My Equal
In light of this revelation, the answer is then simple.
Rather than shirk my character, force myself to fit guys around me and tip toe around guys out of fear of intimidating them, I should instead look out for guys whose characters and ambitions are equal to or bigger than mine. Because these are the guys who are able to take on my character and ambition, relish what I have to offer, and still want more.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that such guys have surfaced in my life before. For example, my past romantic encounters were precisely with guys with bigger characters and/or ambitions than me. In university, I was romantically linked with a guy who was a top performer in school. When I was in Holland, I had a romantic brush with someone who was a high-flyer and used to be an associate partner at a top firm. While I was in London in 2011, I fell in like with a good friend who has a very solid character and solid head on his shoulders. (I don’t like him anymore and we are very good friends today.)
Each of these guys was very conscious (at the time I knew them) and had a character/ambition that was similar to or “bigger” than mine when we knew each other, which was why we liked each other at that time.
I also have very close guy friends today who are able to take on my natural self and thrive in my presence as I do in theirs. For example, my friend Karl loves hearing what I’m up to and consistently supports me in what I do. He and I often make sarcastic jabs at each other every time we converse, all done in good stead. My good friend Wen enjoys and celebrates the fact that I’m a woman of power. We often have conscious, intellectual exchanges which he loves, and he constantly reminds me not to change myself for anyone else. Another friend who comes to mind is Derek Sivers, a renowned TED speaker, who enjoys my opinions and soaks in everything I say.
What’s more, I’m starting to meet more and more of such conscious guys today as I progress in my path. It has made me realize that it is only by embracing my true self that I will meet more compatible guys—not the other way round, where I force-fit myself to be compatible with guys around me. The latter is a fruitless path and will only make myself miserable in the end, as evidenced by the years where I held down my natural self to “match” others (and with abysmal results to boot).
To All Ladies Out There Who “Intimidate” Men
If you’re a woman who often intimidates guys around you, my advice is to simply to get out there and meet guys with equal or “bigger” characters and ambitions to/than yours.
By “character”, I’m referring to consciousness, personality, and emotional, mental, and spiritual capacity.
For “intimidation” only happens when the guy chooses to let himself be threatened by you, perhaps because of his own inferiority in areas of his life.
I remember the first few times I met my friend, Karl (who is happily married just so you know). Karl is a highly accomplished person—in fact, he is one of the most successful persons I’ve known.
I was very conscious to behave in a way that wouldn’t intimidate him—something I used to do with everyone I met before my revelation. I tried to talk slower, hold down my high energy, not talk too much about myself, and avoid any mention of things which would remotely suggest that I’m a woman of drive, ideas, and ambition.
As Karl and I became closer friends, I continued to hold back parts of my real self lest I turned him off (as a friend). Until one day when I asked him if my talking speed was an issue and if he thought it was better for me to speak slowly.
“No, why would it be an issue?” he said. “I think it’s perfectly fine.”
“Really?” I replied in surprise. “You don’t find that I speak too fast or that my energy can be a little overwhelming sometimes?”
“No, not at all. I mean you talk fast and you have a high energy, but that’s what I like about you Celes. That’s part of you being you, and that’s part of what makes you such a great and fun person to be around. I don’t think you should worry about this at all. Just be who you are, Celes. You are fine the way you are.”
I was absolutely taken by surprise by his answer. Here is a true friend who was basically giving me the space to be my true self, which, in my opinion, paved the start of an authentic friendship between us. Today Karl and I are very close friends, and I can’t be more grateful for this friendship of ours.
Conversely, if a guy has a fraction of your character/ambition/worth, he will find it very hard to accept you. He will feel constantly intimidated by you, even when you aren’t trying to intimidate him.
For example, I once knew this guy who kept feeling intimidated by me even though I wasn’t trying to intimidate him at all. He would have issues with me—from my actions, my non-actions, my kindness, my friendliness, my positivity, my personal success, to my influence on other people.
It got to the point where I realized that the issue wasn’t with me—the issue was with him and his own insecurity with himself. Didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, he was always going to find fault with me at the end of the day. In the end, I cut him out of my life because I didn’t need such vitriol.
I know it can be tough meeting compatible guys sometimes, be it for friendship or romance. However, I ask you not to give up. Know that this “difficulty” is only part of the journey, and it will only make you appreciate the great guys who will come your way eventually.
And believe me, they will. I’m living proof of that. Even though I’m still single today, I have many great guy (and girl) friends, including the three guy friends I have cited above, who accept me just the way I am and celebrate my real self. I think such connections are the purest type of connection you can ever, ever ask for in life.
I wish you all the best in your journey of romance and great social connections. ♥ Here’s to all of us women of power and in power. Let’s celebrate our power with great joy and not bind or hold ourselves down out of fear of intimidating other people, because we should never live our lives in fear, but instead, love. ♥
With my good friend B
Update Sep 2013: A month after writing this article, I found my soulmate and he is every bit the “larger-than-life” guy I described in this article, and much more. :) It’s funny reading this article in retrospect because I didn’t realize I was so near to meeting my life partner when I wrote this piece. Read my soulmate series for the full story, as well as my guide on how you can find your life partner: How I Found My Soulmate (7-part series)
Check out my Love category for more posts on finding love.
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thank u so much Celes, thank you……………….. m very very happy to know of a person who felt exactly same as me…………… i feel like this since my teenage but i could never describe or understand it so clearly…………………….your article helped me clear my mind ………. m grateful to you
Are you saying the only way to get a man to love/like/appreciate a woman’s power/character/ambitions, etc. is if they have even BIGGER power/character/ambitions? So that means that men STILL find powerful women to be intimidating and no matter what, men still want a woman who is “less” than themselves intellectually or power-wise. A woman with power will ONLY get a man if the man has even MORE power. Wow…… men are so insecure :( Guess I’ll die with my 72 cats alone with my power because a man will never be able to feel more superior than myself lol.
HI Celes,
I had someone or the other telling me that I’m intimidating, throughout my life. But I never spoke badly/rudely to anyone. At work, someone who I never met told my coworker that I’m strong-headed and the funny part was I never even had a chance to meet or personally speak to that person. Recently some guy (who i briefly met during networking session where both of us introduced ourselves to the other) told my other coworker that he’s afraid of me and when I enquired my coworker why that person thinks so, apparently he couldn’t figure out why. My friends say I’m ambitious and maybe that’s why some get intimidated. Initially I thought I was the problem but as you said, it’s not my problem if other person has issues. I decided that I will not dumb down myself for others approval. The friends I have are also opinionated, intelligent and are extremely passionate and for me, earning their respect and being a part of them is more valuable than earning friendship of someone who is intimidated by me.
I keep turning down dates from guys who just go through life impassionately but I don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t compatible with me. Much to the chagrin of my mom, I’m still single but I hope I find someone who is “bigger” than me.
Hi Celes. I don’t know you and we live in different neighborhood countries. Accidentally reading your blog – started from the soulmate series (you & Ken) and ending up here, your blog almost bursted me into tears. I read this when I feel sort of clueless and almost ‘desperate’ about soulmate – after some series of unsuccessful dating. Just exactly like the story above, in my age 1 year old younger than you with my dream career I can say, I often intimidated guy with my ‘aura’ – I don’t know. I can say I have enough confident in my physical appearance but have been unlucky with love since whenever, especially recently. Like not long time ago, there was a guy who was once chasing me so bad at some point broke me harshly after he thought I’m not compatible with him, and some other numbers of similar stories – until it made myself feel low and not confident when it comes to relationship. When I read some of your writings about personality and relationship, I can’t help reflecting it to myself. I feel like finally I find enlightenment at some certain desperation skeptical point of view about finding soulmate. Thank you Celes, I hope someday I can meet you in person. Cheers
Interesting story. However, you don’t look at ALL “powerful” or “fearless”. You look like the average Asian girl at my city college in Los Angeles.
“Strong”, “Intellectual”, and of course the hilarious “power woman”. Perhaps you are “intimidating” to weak-willed Asian men, and to Asian girls who are used to being timid little dolls (or skanks where I’m from), but I tend to notice that many people who are believed to be “intellectual” and “powerful” are really just stubborn, obstinate asses who spout their gibberish opinions with an air of intelligence and people look on with amazement, thinking they’re so confident. Perhaps you have inner strength, as all women can possess this, but few women possess real physical strength beyond that of the average male.
I’ve had the same problem, of where no matter how hard I try to appear small and keep to myself, people fear me and I seem to possess an intimidating presence. Sure, I’m 1.96m tall and highly intelligent, and I have a vast amount of knowledge and I’m an old soul in a young man’s body, with wisdom beyond my physical years, and I do have a deep voice and I do have great self-confidence though I try not to show it, but I don’t go around intentionally trying to pass myself off as some super badass. Dunno, I did serve in the Army too and deployed, maybe that’s part of it, but I had problems “intimidating” some of my fellow soldiers even in Iraq…
Regardless, I wouldn’t even give you a second glance if we walked by each other in real life. Cool that you have your own business and that you’re making good money, but as far as intimidation goes, I think the only people you could possibly intimidate are other Asians.
I love your website! :) I particularly liked this post because I find it so relatable and it definitely set off some alarms in my mind. When I go out clubbing I am usually the one initiating a conversation with men unless we are in close proximities. My psychologist has already told me that my strong personality is likely to intimidate men but I’ve been like this ever since I could talk and I’m not about to change that! When you mention you’ve kind of dumbed yourself down it reminded me that SO HAVE I! I have reworded text messages because I’ve used words that I thought the guy may not understand. It’s only recently occurred to me to seek a man who may be more intelligent because I don’t think I’d feel insecure. I do have a bit of a problem with the idea that strong women must find men who are somehow superior to us because that’s outrageous sexism and isn’t it just the same principle as catering to men by dumbing ourselves down so we are “below” them?
Perhaps you aren’t suggesting we find someone smarter than us but someone who doesn’t need to have their masculinity reinforced by a submissive or “inferior” woman.
I do believe I must intimidate men and I’m also around your height; an inch taller! I usually come across as very confident (although underneath I have vast insecurities as well as some sense of self-value) and seeing as I’m a young, attractive woman I’m pretty sure it’s not my looks that are a problem :p I get compliments regularly so going by that I’m going to assume that’s not it.
I actually worry that I bore men because I like talking about real life issues like social issues and I’m rather knowledgeable and insightful. It didn’t occur to me that maybe I’m too “smart” I just thought maybe I wasn’t fun enough. It’s funny that we always look to ourselves to find the “problem” if we think there is one. I too have thought all of those things you listed! I have feminine interests and a very feminine body and sense of dress but then I have an assertive (borderline aggressive) and dominant personality and I am loud and opinionated. Basically I connect with people based on their understanding and observations of people,. behaviour, life… so I can’t exactly avoid the topics I enjoy talking about! I was crazy about a guy who constantly surprised me with his insight, especially because I didn’t expect it, and we’d have intense discussions about life and all kinds of things that would go for a couple of hours. I think that’s when I really started to value such intelligence so highly and now I immediately like someone who exhibits an understanding of society that goes beneath a superficial level. I don’t even know what I used to talk about lol!
I’m still a really fun person (and spontaneous) but I feel a bit insecure that my conversation topics are too intense or something and perhaps I should be like a lot of women and say things that make me look fun and sexy. Screw that :P
By the way, you have the most adorable smile! It’s so cute and genuine :)
Thanks so much Celes. Although I am not as “successful” and outgoing as you are, I have had the same problem all my life -even as a teenager. Now, I am a college professor with three girls in college and am finishing my doctorate and I never get a date! So, I must be looking at the wrong guys! A friend of mine said that I won’t give up control until I find someone I can be safe with – someone “bigger” than me like you said! This was soo helpful and made me feel much better about myself. So, thank you. And btw, When are you coming to Yosemite Mountains in central California, USA? I’d love to host you to see Yosemite, Napa Valley and Monterey, California. Just let me know!! Be blessed.
I wish you all the luck in finding your true love. Listen, a marriage is like a degree in love, just like a phd is a degree in knowledge. You have to pass many tests and learn many new things before you earn that degree. Keep learning and passing each and every obstacle, you will eventually graduate! ;)
I had read and heard about women power and couple of times had meet few women/girls who were bold, outspoken and intelligent. You are simply amazing. I would recommend my friends and sister’s to read this post. Not just girls, even men/boys have a great learning from this post. Your post reminds me of a thought by a saint in my country, “Be yourself; don’t change for world. Change should happen as you acquire more knowledge, but should not happen because of the critics out there.”
Hey Celes,
A unique and enjoyable read. My friend and I enjoyed it . Was wondering if you would have any advice for a strong and powerful man looking for a powerful woman to compliment. I think this is a problem that people overlook. Not all powerful men are looking for “weaker” women but are indeed looking for the reverse (as long as they are respectful). This may seem funny to u but I’ve been search and can’t find any, at least not yet. Finally seeing as you did dumb yourself down (something I’ve witnessed girls do time and time again) do you have any advice to get them to kick the facade and show their true selves, Thank You.
Hey Brian, thanks! :) I say, being yourself around them, constantly asking them for their opinions, and encouraging them to be themselves would be great starts to have them come into their own. My friend Karl would ask for my opinions on various matters from time to time and that made me gradually realize that my opinion matters to him and it’s okay being the real me vs. self-censoring and self-monitoring to what I think he or anyone else wants to hear.
It’s so great to hear that you are someone who looks for a powerful woman; men like you are one in a million! :)
Thank you for writing this. I did exactly what you did – dumb down. I am not doing it anymore! Love your advice on finding guys who have bigger ambition and is even more driven than ourselves.
No problem Mas! I’m so glad the article is of some help! :)
At first I ignored this post because I am male, but now I read it and found lots to reflect on. Thank you!
I too seem to cause unintended reactions due to my aura, but I don’t really understand what I’m projecting or why. Did you learn anything from Kev about how that works and what he tried to follow when he found you?
Hi Chestnut, aura is simply a projection of one’s energy and presence. Without going deep into it (as it’s not directly related to the topic), it’s an effect of your being. I wouldn’t worry too much about it or try to curb it as that would be in essence to curb your natural self. Generally the bigger your presence, the better as you have a higher consciousness level and bigger influence/reach over other people. You can try looking up on aura in Google to get more information about the topic.
Great article with heart. I met my man 10 years ago and I was probably classed as a powerful, masculine, ambition driven business woman – HOWEVER our souls connected and we built a couple of businesses together and went on to get married and have 2 beautiful babies!! So I totally believe in BEING YOURSELF and BEING AUTHENTIC, when that happens YOU WILL attract someone who accepts you for who you are. If you are wearing a mask however…its gonna be harder to attract a real soul mate. Just be YOU and be proud of it. go Celes!
Hey Celes!
Just discovered your site today–I am starting a 21 day fast tomorrow and found your experience on Google.
Thank-you for the honesty and passion behind your articles. I will continue to read them! :)
I saw many complimentary posts and only a couple confused souls. I was holding my breath on one of the comments that brought up a lot of pain in me, and then when I saw your response I laughed, remembering my personal development training. “You talking about yourself?” Was perfect, non-combative, and insightful. Your article was insightful. No matter what anyone posts, someone online or even in person will try to bring you down, either for control of power, to show how much they know and thus somehow be respected, or just because they can. Keep on going. :)
A relationship works best when both parties are being their authentic selves and embrace/accept that fully in each other. :)
This is such a great article Celeste!
I am sure many strong character women felt the same, I of course do! I was a top girl since sec days and often intimidated guys effortlessly without any intention. This persist even after working .. I am more serious than average people which somehow average people take it as me spoiling market. Well I often thought that if u can’t do it or do not wish to, then don limit oth fr doing so.. and what’s so wrong with a woman who have such drive and capabilities to move higher? If the guys are afraid, they should be upgrading themseleves too isn’t it? It probably boils down to each person ‘s comfort and preference in the pace and attitude of life.
I dated but have my fair shares of falls or disappointment. Things seem strange and I naturally self question.. I often thought it meant those guys r not at same level worthy to b my partner nor goin in same direction. It will be hard to change myself like that and i will regret and self conflict with my real character..At times I do feel what is wrg if I m successful and capable but have to downplay to suit the world ‘s perception of a woman? But I often get comments fr both genders that I am attractive in character and looks, but too strong for a man :D to accept.
Until a point I self rationalise that it meant I need someone better than me to accept me fully, allowing me to b who I am and loving me for that, mutual self development to next stage of our lives tog! I am glad we feel alike Celeste.
P.s. I found a guy that is higher than me and proves this thought works. I hope you will meet one soon
Hey Celes,
Loved your article, I think the guys shrink away from you because they fell they could not match you in drive and ambition. Many people (myself included) have tried to fit the stereo typing mold of society at some part of our lives or another instead of expressing our own individuality, when we do this our creativity is stifled as we conform and lose ourselves in the masses. We all make up reasons which may or may not be valid depending on the situation, you speak quickly Celes, that’s good it means I have to think and respond quickly.
When we search for someone who challenges us it pushes us to be and do our best, other people no doubt seem inferior, weak and pale in comparison because they are not demanding or challenging for us.
I think there are many great women who are themselves and attractive at the same like Tina Turner, Angelina Jolie.
By not playing ourselves others don’t play themselves, I think the best character at the end of the day is to be yourself, as you are Celes – this encourages us to be ourselves, thank you – don’t ever stop being yourself!
“When we search for someone who challenges us it pushes us to be and do our best, other people no doubt seem inferior, weak and pale in comparison because they are not demanding or challenging for us.”
This speaks to me completely! I met someone who did these things but he turned out to be a serial cheater and liar. It doesn’t change the conversations and parts of him that challenged me but sadly he has a lot of self-improvement and demons to battle. I remember getting bored 6 months into my first relationship but had so much self-doubt I just convinced myself that I was being silly and that I wasn’t really complacent. It went on for another miserable 2+ years but I’ve definitely learned what I don’t want and, consequentially, what I do want. It’s not even my qualifications or job etc that is intimidating (I’m not working, I’m at uni studying sociology and I’m not at the top of my class, though not because of a lack of intelligence) it’s my personality. I had some guy ask me to dinner and then, presumably because I didn’t behave sufficiently interested, never heard from him again! Good god are men fragile! I’m someone who gets hurt easily (and it can be crippling and enduring) and I’ve been rejected and betrayed very badly yet I manage to get back up and put myself out there so I struggle to sympathize with people who frankly seem to be cowardly.
Hi Celes
Great post I totally relate to everything in it as I am also a strong aura person with a highly intellectual job that tends to intimidate some people. The key here is to find someone who matches your intellect well. I come from a big family that seems to generate alpha females and beta males and this seems to perpetuate often in the partners who suit them. Just saying while the big idea alpha males can be fun and we need them around us as friends an equally intelligent less ambitious (read more relaxed!) man can be a great supportive partner. Harder to find them though as they don’t get in your face as much. I’m still looking for mine. Good luck with your search… :heart:
Thank you Anna. Good luck with your search too! :hug: :)
Hello Celes,
When I read this article, I thought of my single friends who have trouble of finding their Mr Right. It’s like the Chinese saying of 旁观者清，当局者迷。People from a 3rd point of view might be able to see clearer than the person in the situation, simply because he/she is too caught up by it.
I have a self created theory that I like to share with you. There are two broad type of singles, one is by choice and the latter have no choice. The one by choice can be due to many reasons like Unable to commit, r/s phobia, hurt in last r/s, enjoy their freedom more, waiting for the right feeling, family commitment etc. They have the social skills & body language that is appealing to guys., hence they constantly have suitors but they do not want to start a r/s at all. They know exactly what they want /do not want.
The one without choice is usually those who knows they love to have the special someone to what their life with, but he never appear in front of them/no one suitable/no potential partner/no suitors. The single in this category usually have one thing in common, rather than said they lack the social skills with guys , it is more of the case they do not know how to be appealing to guys as the Ms Right. It just works the same as how girls will avoid playboy personality guy (for serious r/s), but the guy might not be an actual playboy.
I agree with you on the part whereby girls should meet guys with “bigger” characters and ambitions than yours, rather than trying to please ‘smaller’ characters guys. But I do not agree that guys are shunning away because of your aura/success. Come on, men love challenge!
I have many girl friends who are highly successful in life just like you who have no lack of ‘powerful’ man who are interested in them. Those are the really successful powerful men who are interested in lifetime partner, not just girlfriend material. You will definitely meet the someone someday, once you figured how they can be drawn to your life.
Wish you find the someone during this snake year :)
Hi Hallyu, I have met tons of guys who shy away because of the reasons I cited in the article (personal success, perception of power, etc.). It’s from very real, personal experience that I have written about them in the article (multiple anecdotal experiences as well as verbatim); it’s not from guesswork or wild conjecture. I believe many other women face this same problem as well, based on the responses in the article so far. Such guys do exist. I’m not saying all guys are like that, I’m just saying that there are definitely such guys out there.
At the end of the day I take full responsibility for my singlehood (I have “chosen” to be single, just as all other singles in this world today “choose” to be single as well, no matter how they may “justify” the situation (e.g. “I can’t find anyone, there’s no good men around me, etc.). However, we shouldn’t brush away or deny the situation that I or other perceived “power women” face, which is that there are indeed guys who feel intimidated by our personal power and hence decided to back off. Sure, these guys aren’t compatible for me/us and I/we wouldn’t be attracted to guys feel intimidated by my/our natural self/selves to begin with, but it is still a real situation that should be acknowledged and recognized. Please have some empathy for our situation and not write it off as a self-created problem.
As for drawing successful powerful men, as I’ve written in the article, I’ve been meeting more of such men in the past few years, especially in the past year, and I’m grateful for that. This article is by no means a self-victimizing one but simply written to spread the message of self-empowerment to other females who are in the same shoes as I was. Here’s my best wishes to all women (and men) in meeting the guys (and girls) of their dreams. :)
That’s an excellent response! Hallyu says women avoid playboy types however I managed to fall for the ultimate player (not intentionally, I assure you) because I was more attracted to other qualities portrayed by him than I was put off by his player ways. I think it’s very unfair for anyone to suggest our singledom is self-inflicted! I’m at the point where I’m open to dating however any interest this year has fallen through (both times it was the guys) and although I think about it I don’t feel regret or pining because I accept that for whatever reason it’s just not happening. I haven’t felt strongly about someone since the player I fell in love with and I guess I’m waiting for someone to really catch my attention. Thanks for your excellent advice!
Hi Celes,
This is by far one of the most interesting articles you posted and insightful to read:)
Your article here reminds me of Sarah Kerrigan and Jim Raynor of the game Starcraft,where the girl becomes Queen of Blades and starts to terrorize the universe and all the men are intimidated of her in the series.
From my real life experience, what I have see is that my brother’s wife, a leading figure in her company and career woman, has more stronger ambition than my brother who has simpler ambition enjoys taking care of his daughters at home, and yet so far they are both living fine. There is strong equality in men and women in achievements and yet can be feminine. Yet, in one of the book I have read on Mars and Venus, it is said men and women do need each other for support and just need right emotional que to understand the signs.
Your sharing also highlighted your increased self awareness and intuition, which is very good thing. Being authentic about yourself is what makes you unique as person, and that any guy who wants to know you better should realize that it is good improvement for him to learn from your achievements and yourself, rather than be intimidated (if he is serious enough that is).
I do agree with Karl that you are fine as what you are and be yourself. And I do feel that for on your life journey, your manifestation of passion and your dream guy preferably to be compatible, and the guy can support in life journey as well as you can support his too with your achievements and passion, it is the best. (the guy will appreciate you for life for it and it is a strong feminine touch in my opinion).
Its good to know you more with your sharing with fellow PE readers, and wish you all the best on your journey.
Hey Elton, love, love, love your comment. Thanks so much for your affirmation of my message. I’m glad you found the article interesting too. :) I guess topics on love, relationships, especially male-female relationships, and romance usually get a fair bit of interest from others. :) I wish you all the best in your journey as well. Let’s keep each other going and update each other along this life path.
You are welcome, Celes. Will keep you posted in email, am putting some story in personal blog as students talk here wanted to know more of what I do and the ideas I shared.
Hi Dear Celes!
Thank you so much for sharing with us this great article, after reading it I commented about it with my sister yesterday. And I’m sending it to her right now. We’ve been going through the same situation since we grew up and became independent and self-confident women. We conclude that when we find this kind of guys it’s them who don’t have the same maturity level or achivements/success. But I’ve never thought that there were other girls out there experiencing the same situation. Thanks for your inpiring words all the time. Send you tons of hugs and best wishes! :D ;)
Hey Celes
Interesting article, I never had the impression that you are anyhow intimidating (at least what I saw in the videos), but maybe it’s just the asian men with low self esteem, as you actually cannot intimidate anyone, without him letting it happen.
Hey John! I can’t comment regarding asian men and whether they have low self-esteem or not, but I can definitely say that “men intimidation” issues were non-issues when I was in Europe and U.S. Many men there were totally at ease with my natural persona (including Asian men brought up in EU/U.S. or who lived there for a good part of their lives) and I felt my natural self was much welcomed there than say among born and bred Asians.
That’s not to say that we should single it as an Asian man problem though – one of the guys I mentioned in the article who got intimidated by me (the one who turned highly antagonistic towards me after three minutes) lived in Australia for a good number of years. I personally have several good guy friends who are highly confident, are very comfortable with my natural self and are born/bred in Singapore (Wen himself rarely travels too). So while I can see culture playing a role in shaping one’s mental DNA, I think much of it boils down to the individual man, his own consciousness level and personal hangups.
By coincidence, I read an article last week from a relationship expert (it was in a magazine, lying around in the cafeteria where I work) and it was actually very insightful. It explained the guy’s side of this topic, which is actually not even close to what “we women” often think.
The article talked about how women with successful careers, are also in the age where their biological clock is ticking. They often know exactly what they want career-wise, but have no to little clue when it comes to their dating life. This is because they are not as accomplished and self-confident as they are professionally. And as their expectations are high, they often will be disappointed and be therefore unsuccessful (in this area). The dating game is however a whole other cookie, so you can’t even approach it in the same way as you do with many aspects in your job.
As the article explains, is that women make themselves “feel better” by saying that guys are intimidated by the fact that they have successful careers – whatever that may be. And that they often downsize their own persona, in order to be more appealing. In the end, they are disappointed, because the guy rejects her. The woman then blames it on her success, whereas guys truly do not look at that at all with the first impression.
Whereas women do rate a guy and are more prone to judge him (and therefore reject him, because he “doesn’t fit the criteria), a guy will not think: “Oh gosh, I will not talk with that girl anymore, because she must be a very successful women who will probably want to settle down within the next five years… And I feel very intimidated by that!” …The guy actually just didn’t feel a click or interest to talk with the girl anymore, that “spark” that we often refer to. It has nothing to do with his own ambitions or beliefs, he just wants to have a nice talk and see from there.
Nothing more.
Personally, I come from a relationship where my boyfriend was very intimidated by me. We all however have a choice: you can grow with your significant other and with your relationship, or you choose not to. So yes, I do recognize your sentiment in your article, but I think it applies when the guy already knows the girl. In the first encounter, it’s all about appealing or not appealing, not about successful or not successful.
This was a lovely read. I find it frustrating when people, both men and women, say you are less feminine/suitable as wife material etc – if you’re a fearless hardworking ambitious driven individual. I thought we had moved on as a society from such silly notions of what being a man and woman is. Regardless of what you do in life, its important to be able to do them without worrying about having to change yourself to adapt to societies expectations and pre-meditated norms and notions of what being a woman or man should be like and how you should behave, and what you can lose out on if you dont etc etc. Almost as if being a woman requires being able to fit the status quo at all times.
Be your own beautiful self. Everyone wants to strive and succeed, and yet an eagle among turkeys is not embraced by the flock.
Wahaha! This article is truly what I need! :) Reading it is like there’s a background voice telling me, “Welcome to the club!” Wahaha! :) Thanks for empowering me again! ;)
You make me want to be those type of larger-than-life guy :D
Aw really? That’s sweet of you James. Thank you for letting me/us know! :)
I am also a singaporean and what you have achieved made me realise i can really break out from the norm and succeed in my life!
Thanks so much! I will follow your blog zealously & seek my own true self from here! :dance:
Thank you so much James! :hug: I look forward to growing together in life with you (and the others)!
All I can say is wow! So many parts of that article spoke to me so strongly that it could have been me writing it. As I was reading toward your ‘revelation’ I was subconsciously thinking, as I sipped my tea, ‘probably won’t relate to me.’ But the tea stopped on the way to my mouth, my vision blanched a little and my jaw dropped.
Never had it occurred to me before to think it was not something I was doing wrong, because really, if they fear my strength and goodness, or see me as masculine because of it, preferring a fragile, quiet girl they can feel more in control with, then they are not masculine ENOUGH to suit my needs.
I was moved to tears. Thank you, and good luck Celes, in finding your ‘one.’
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