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“Hi Celes, I have been engaged to a guy for four years. Lately, we have been feeling quite irritated and exhausted around each other. Every talk is an argument now.
Though ours is a very serious relationship (and I still love him), I don’t know how to deal with this. If we break up, I’m not sure how to tell our parents. Please help Celes.” — Muna
Hey Muna, it sounds like your relationship is in a state of volatility. Usually that happens when both parties are growing in different rates/directions (which then ‘upsets’ the relationship dynamic) and/or when both parties uncover striking areas of incompatibility.
It’s a delicate shakeout period, where both of you need to decide if this relationship is still the one for you, and if so, how you want to manage the differences.
Should You Stay On?
I have four questions to decide if you should stay on:
- Do you still love him? You mentioned you still do, so that’s one reason to stay. If you don’t love him anymore, then this discussion is already over. If there is no love, there is no relationship to speak of.
- Do you still want to be in this relationship? If you don’t, then the discussion is already over as well.
- The issues between both of you now—are they mendable? Are they issues which can be resolved or fundamental incompatibilities that can never be rectified (in your opinion)? If it’s the former, then the relationship is still salvageable, provided you answered yes to Q1 and Q2. On the other hand, if it’s the latter, then it might be time to move on.
- Do you see a future in this relationship? If yes, then good. If no, if you think your relationship has reached its peak and it’s only going to stagnate or get worse from here, the situation sounds bleak.
Ideally, you should answer “yes” to all four questions to stay on.
If you answered “no” to one or more of the questions, then maybe you are better off cutting your losses, ending the relationship now, and moving on. If you don’t know if you love your partner anymore, if you aren’t sure you still want to be with him, if you don’t think the issues are mendable, and/or if you don’t see a future in the relationship, things will only get worse when you get married. You are going to see each other every single day and spend the rest of your lives together under the same roof.
This is someone you are going to marry, so you want to think through this carefully. You want to marry someone you can’t wait to see every day, not be with someone you feel irritated and exhausted around, and certainly not someone whom you don’t feel excited waking up next to.
How to Improve a Strained Relationship
If you decide to stay on, you need to address the issues and not let things remain status quo, because continuous arguing isn’t the way to go. Not only is this emotionally draining for you, it’s also emotionally draining for him. Your relationship should elevate both of you, not hold you guys down.
Some suggestions:
- Have a heart-to-heart. Talk to him about your thoughts about your relationship. Tell him that you have been disturbed by the arguments but let him know you love him and you want to work things out. Then, hear what he has to say.
- Introduce a cooling period. Sometimes, absence can make the heart grow fonder. Some distance can help you guys to ease into your personal space and get perspective on how you want to take the relationship forward. The cooling period can be a week, a month, or however long is needed. You can still meet up and talk to each other in between, just perhaps not as frequently as before.
- Avoid creating new conflicts. Since the relationship is in such a delicate state, avoid creating any new conflict. This is not to avoid your problems, but to prevent fraying the relationship further. You want to foster your bond by building on commonalities between both of you, not create more issues which will only separate you guys further.
- Think about the happy moments. How you perceive the relationship will affect the relationship itself because of the vibes you send out. Put aside the negativity from the recent period and focus on the positive stuff instead. Think about the happy moments you guys had together. Think about the times he made you laugh, and when you made him laugh. Use these memories, not the recent arguments, to inspire you in dealing with the issues now.
- Remember what you like/love(d) about him. Both of you once met as strangers and fell in love with each other. When did you realize you liked/loved him, and why? What did you like/love about him then? What do you like/love about him now? Focus on these things, rather than the things you don’t like.
- Do something nice for him. What does he like that you can get him? Is there any problem he is facing lately that you can help him in? What does he enjoy doing that you guys can do together? What nice surprises can you spring on him? These acts of kindness and love will surely bring a smile to his face.
By doing these six steps, he should hopefully recognize your efforts and reciprocate as well. With both of you working together, you should be able to salvage the relationship and bring it back the way it was.
If You Decide to End the Relationship…
If you decide this relationship is not for you and/or if you have tried your best to salvage the situation to no avail, then it’s time to move on.
- Breaking up with your partner. Talk to your partner and let him know that things are just not working out for you. Hear what he has to say on this. Then, make a mutual decision on the relationship.
- Handling reactions of your loved ones. For your parents, I understand you don’t want them to be unhappy and they are probably going to object, but you have to let them know that he is no longer the one for you and you are no longer happy with him. If they care for you, they will respect that. All parents want their kids to be happy at the end of the day and what they want is for you to be happy. You just have to communicate to them that your happiness no longer lies with your fiance.
Don’t be with someone out of fear of someone else’s objections. It’s your happiness at stake. People may object, but that’ll only be temporary. A relationship with someone, now that’s your lifelong happiness we are talking about.
- Move on on a personal level. Just because you have broken up doesn’t mean you have moved on. Emotional and mental baggage can stay for us for a long time if not processed. The article 10 Steps To Move On From a Relationship will help you to move on on a personal level.
Final Note
Some related articles for you:
- Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From a Relationship — A checklist on whether it’s time to leave your man
- Top 10 Signs That He/She is “The One” For You :) — Another checklist to determine if he’s the one for you
- How To Move On From A Heartbreak — My 3-part series on how I moved on from a heartbreak
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Hey Celes
Thank you so much for your reply. I really needed that.
There are times when we need an intervention and ur post has been that to me.
I will really work on the points you marked.
And the work that you do is incredibly awesome. I never met
anybody in my life with such clear thoughts. Hope to meet you someday.
Thank you again
Muna
Hey muna, I’m so glad that you have found the response helpful and you will work on the points in the article. All the best in your situation and do keep me posted on how things go, okay? *hugs* :hug:
I hope to meet you one day soon, when I return to India. (I’m assuming you are from India.)
Yeah! I am from India.
looking forward to see u soon.
Thnx again
Hi Celes,
Nice to go thru’ all the articles and other quotes.
Can you put this articles as PDF files so that one can review / download it.
These are so wonderful articles.!!!
Nice to be in your wonderful world celes.!! really!!
Hi mvs! :) Some of the best articles are available as free pdf ebooks here: https://personalexcellence.co/free-ebooks/
The all-time best articles from PE between 2008 and 2011 (along with bonus articles) are also available in the Personal Excellence Book, which you can purchase here: https://personalexcellence.co/pebook/. It’s a special product for the loyal readers for PE who want their favorite articles in one easy-to-access handbook while giving back to the site and supporting my work at the same time. It’s a very affordable cost considering each volume has 101 high quality articles (divides up to about 15 cents per article). I’m planning for Volume 3, compilation of the best PE articles from 2012 to 2013, sometime later this year. :) Let me know if you have further questions!
Hi Celes,
I enjoyed your post, great relationship advice for Muna.
Being married 25 years, I would add one comment to one of your points, when you said “both parties grow in different directions” sometimes arguments occur when you both are growing period, not always in different directions. Patience and understanding works well for us during these times.
All the best Muna.
Thanks Celes for another great post.
Hey Shelly, thanks for your comment! :) I guess I wasn’t very clear with what I meant by “different directions”. I really meant growing at a different rate (which can include one growing faster than another, or one not growing while another is growing) and/or growing in different directions (one developing in the area of mind and another growing in the area of the heart). So in essence, growing in away that shakes up the dynamic of the relationship and requires both parties to work out a new relationship dynamic.
Thank you Shelly..
While growth is an important part of a relationship, I think the issue here would be more fundamental. Gender differences in communication and needs seem to be the main issue.
I would bet that Muna’s partner does not acknowledge nor address her emotions, and in as a result she reacts by trying harder to talk and engage with her partner. I have been in this exact situtation in the past and what I have learned from it is this:
1. She needs to accept her partner for who he is, instead of trying to change or better him.
2. Let him unwind and be in a relaxed mood before engaging him in conversation.
3. She needs to clearly state her wants/needs in a non confrontational manner (use “I feel” statements, instead of “you” statements). e.g. “I feel that you do not pay as much attention to me as before” instead of “you don’t pay attention me as much as before”. The latter statement would sound like an accusation to a guy, and put him on the defensive.
From my understanding, males in relationships tend to react to their partners in relationships. Being stressed and expecting him to releave that stress is unrealstic especially when each gender deals with stress differently.
Generally, females tend to talk out their problems and need empathy. Males on the other hand, need to be left alone to process their thoughts and feelings. When both parties are stressed, trying to find empathy in a male when he needs alone time will result in greater stress. As a result both parties will end up more frustrated instead.
Hello Wen
Thank you so much for your response. :clap:
U pinpointed the situation when u said he doesn’t acknowledge my emotions.
On the other hand when I get angry he gets poetic which further infuriates me.
But as you said I will work on accepting him as he is and will definitely work on controlling my temper.
And about the relaxed mode. He is always relaxed and no situation for him is worth getting angry. So I guess I am the one with the issues.
Its just that when I get angry I really want him to listen to me and instead of acting Mr.Cool join me in my situation.
But I think all one can change bout a relationship is himself.
Thanks again Wen…
Hi Muna, Celes has already answered your question. I can’t think of a better answer for this problem. Just want to add one thing: if you do not agree with him in some thoughts, just try to tell him positively instead of directly denying what he’s saying.
Thanks Rahul for your response.
I do get a lot frustrated during arguments and speak out negatively.
I will work on what u said.
Hi Muna,
Already Celes has given you the perfect and comprehensive answer to your question.
I think ‘growth’ is very important for any relationship. Not only the two individuals but also the relationship should also grow to move to a higher level. For ex., with time you two should come close, understand each other better etc.
Try to find out the reasons for the arguments. If its because you are going through a personal phase of troubles, you may give a little more time to your relationship, else, Celes has suggested you to answer the questions. :)
Thank you for your response…
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