This is question #10 of the Year End Countdown Challenge held in Dec 2012, where we count down to the new year with 13 reflective questions. The challenge is now over but you can do the tasks in your own time. Visit the overview page for all the challenge tasks.
Welcome to Day 10 of the 2013 Countdown Challenge! :D
2013 Countdown, Question #10…
The questions for the 13-day, 13-question countdown so far:
- #13: How has your year of 2012 been? | 154 Comments | Post Your Response
- #12: What are 12 things you love about year 2012? | 100 Comments | Post Your Response
- #11: What were your lowest points this year? Why? | 105 Comments | Post Your Response
Today’s question, question #10, is:
[Cont’d from #11] What lessons have you learned from those low points?
Your Task
- Reflect and answer today’s question. There’s no word limit – whether minimum or maximum. Write as few or as many words as you want. It’s all up to what you want to express!
- Share your answer. After you are done writing, copy and paste your answer in the comments area and post it there.
- Check out other participants’ answers. Other participants will be sharing their answers too, so feel free to read and reply to their answers.
Look forward to reading your answers! :)
(After you are done, proceed to #9: What could you have done better this year? (Be honest with yourself))
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I have learned that I must again get into the habit of regular exercise and eating healthy. This year I reached my heaviest weight ever and felt very low. I cannot let this continue and after reaching such a heavy weight I reaffirmed my commitment to healthy living, began exercising again, and chose a new diet I had been considering for months.
After dealing with family members arguing and holding grudges against each other I have chosen to let go of things I cannot control. I cannot control the relationship between two other people. I can only affect the relationship between myself and others.
For a few months I was extremely unproductive and just didn’t make any progress on my goals. I realized that I must create habits of working on specific things by doing them everyday for 30 days before they become automatic. I also learned that exercise and a healthy breakfast in the morning gives a huge boost to my productivity.
1) From the issues with my girlfriend I’m not really sure what lesson to draw from that. It would be weird to say that what started out as a relationship of me disrespecting myself turned out being a respectful one. Ever since she left her boyfriend and we officially accepted we were a couple…she’s been more than I’ve ever asked for. She’s not perfect.
Nobody is and when she does imperfect stuff like not say goodbye to me even though I knew she could, pretending she wasn’t home yet and only replied to my goodbye after I had left to my 3-day retreat and not writing I love you’s or I miss you’s when I’m gone for days..it makes me wonder.
Does she REALLY care about me? It’s this small things that make me doubt if all of it is a lie and she secretly doesn’t want to talk to me sometimes and I’m not really sure what lesson to draw from this. I’m not perfect either. I talk to much about myself. She doesn’t open up unless I ask so I take this for granted sometimes and I can be selfish asking her to do things or I used to manipulate her feelings so she would act as I wanted to as to please me.
But when I once confronted her about this she told me that she felt hurt I did not feel loved by her even though she felt she had done everything to make me feel loved and it’s true. She does go the extra step to love me and so do I.
I guess the lesson here is that the reason why me and my girlfriend have this odd connection I haven’t seen in other couples yet is because we were both emotionally mature and strong. We both forgive each other for our human imperfections and still love each other and even though I have to wait till after college to see her again neither of us has ever doubted the day we’ll meet again.
2) About the situation with my mother having favoritism with her boyfriend over us..I learned that I can’t really blame her. She had been a single mother for years and the first time she finds somebody to love (He’s not a bad person) and yet I’m mad at her instead of being happy for her? It hurts to have that attention she had for us taken away suddenly but what can I do? She won’t even listen to my complaints when I try to tell her. I can just accept her as she is and love her for all that I know she has and still does for us daily. She’s my mom and I have to love her and be a good daughter in what I can,
3) There were many moments in which I felt..nothing was worth it..that it was all over. That I should just die and vanish from this world. It was a very dark moment in my life..probably worse than anything I ever passed with my girlfriend and it was the sudden change in my family. I just wanted mom to love me. I searched love with my girlfriend which my mom did not gave me. I just wanted my brother to not exist.
If only he hadn’t been alive I would had reached so much higher in life..but this wasn’t his fault..it was mine..he wasn’t holding me back from anything..it was me..I was embarrassed of what he’d say..of how he’d humiliate me and make fun of my way of being. I learned that the best you can do for yourself is simply drop the expectations. Throw them out at the window and that even though I’ve felt like it’s all over. Like there’s nothing left to live..that I always stand back up. Things that affected me before don’t affect me as much now.
I learned that even if I might not notice I’ve grown stronger and that whatever problem faces my way there will always be sunshine at the end. Perhaps THE most important lesson to me was: It’s not about waiting for the storm to end..it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.
“Learning to dance in the rain.” I like that.
Learning to let go of expectations for others is a very hard lesson but it is an important one. Often, I find that our expectations of others and ourselves are influenced by the media, and that when you start to let go of the expectations, things improve a lot between you and others.
Some experiences are sad and some lessons are hard to learn but it sounds like you have learned them and will be stronger in the future.
1. never go against your gut feeling even if it is what you dont want to believe or do, your gut feeling is your truest feeling and helps make your best decision, especially in relationships
2.never ever trust people out of humanity sake, remember everybody can dump u at the time of need, even those who you helped
3. never let your future be on the mercy of anyone, set it up
4. study hard so that in the future i will be independent and nobody will think they can mistreat me
1. Job – I should be more discriminating when choosing a job. A job or career should allow you to be yourself and live authentically while meeting your emotional and physical needs and allowing time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Also, I did not take it personally when I was laid off. I was able to look at it pragmatically. I remain friends with the people that I worked with and worked for.
2. Loss of “friend” of 16 years – I learned that people are human and should not be put on a pedestal just because we perceive that they have more or higher knowledge. Also, I had allowed this person to treat me disrespectfully over the years and had forgiven and overlooked really bad behavior because of this perception. At one time this person was a teacher but I have actually progressed way past what they had to teach me and should have moved on long ago. I also found that I have grown greatly as an individual as I did not lash out in like kind to the angry, viscious outbursts from this person. This incident made me feel jaded for a while and like I would not get close to any new persons again. As time passed I realized that it was just creating a space for new associations that fit with the new updated me!
hope you find a better and truer friend!
Ultimately I have been able to use both breakups I when through this year as catalysts for positive change in my life. The end of my first relationship this year gave way to a new sense of optimism in my ability to find the right person and build a successful relationship. It left me more confident in myself because I developed a sense of what I needed from a relationship and the resolve to not compromise on those things.
The second breakup has pointed me to additional areas where I can improve myself, the foremost of which is openness in my communication. Being a generally private person, I am not always open with my feelings, and I think that was an inhibitor in my last relationship. What really gave me a new perspective though was stumbling across one of the articles on communication here on PE, the message being that not being open doesn’t shield us from hurt. I’ve been taking that to heart the last few weeks, which is part of why I’m here participating in the countdown. I think this new perspective will serve me well going forward and has me excited for the potential of 2013.
Robert, Somehow what you shared reminds me of how disconnected I was with my ex-spouse.
He does not share his feelings and I yield to share my ups and downs and also hear about his ups and downs. All I hear are complains and how people wrong him. Not about his feelings about what happened, how he could have done better, or things can be done differently, can we sit down and discuss and have an agreement; what lessons he learned. Or ask, how is your day.
Perhaps it was all in his head, or not his way of showing care. Somehow not from the heart, mostly from the head. My heart shut-down and my self-esteem nose-dive. I could not connect with him and lost myself in the process of trying so hard. I realised I can’t do anything except go in search of myself. I learned that it is better to be happy than to be right. I learn to love myself first. :heart:
I also learned that I need to work on myself first, learn how to communicate more deeply, more effectively. Ask him better questions to help him communicate in a way that open him more to speak from the heart. After learning much from seminars and courses, I realised different people show care differently.
Thank you Robert for sharing, by commenting on your post I discover more insights about myself. Cheers! :D
Lessons learnt from my low points:
1) Everything is temporary, so I don’t get stuck with what happened to me. It is what I do with what happened to me that is more important.
2) The past does not equal to the future. This has helped me to move on powerfully.
3) Self-awareness is very important to me to regularly reflect on my thoughts. :D
4) Asking powerful questions like “Does that thought come from a pattern in my life?. Where in my life has this happened before? Followed by, “Is it disempowering or empowering to me? “Is it serving me?” Thoughts are followed by actions, therefore, being aware of my thoughts will determine what actions I would consciously or unconsciously take. Will these actions I take result in win win and win for all? I learnt how to ask myself reflective questions to work on my inner-self. :heart:
ho liao dolly.
This is wonderful inspiring stuff Dolly :)
Lovely questions Dolly,
One thing I found useful with patterns, is to analyse them and see what are the missing steps I need to take to change my behaviour pattern.
Hi Elton, Helen and Bob, thank you so much for your encouragements :bow:
Totally agree with you Bob, thanks for sharing that piece of gem Bob -analyse patterns and see what missing steps I need to take to break my behaviour pattern.
You guys rock!
:hug:
What lessons have you learned from these low points?
I’m going to start off by talking about my job, which made me feel uninspired and getting laid off which was really worrying. I learned from this that it’s really, really important to have a job you love (if you can) as you spend so much of your life at work. The people you work with are also so important (apart from my bosses, the people I used to work with are pretty great). Having said that, a positive attitude is essential. If you hate your job you need to adjust your state of mind to try and get more out of it. Also, the most important thing is to know what you want. I learned from this year that I want to teach young people instead of adults and that I HATE working split shifts (working early in the morning is great; working until 9pm outside of the house sucks). This means that in the future I won’t waste my time applying to or working in language institute jobs, or ones with adults. Also contacts and getting on with your boss are so important!
In terms of my tumultuous relationship, I have learned a lot. Firstly, that I should listen to my gut. My gut was telling me for ages that the relationship was bad and that I was being an idiot, but I refused to listen. This is the second out of two serious relationships in which I have ignored my gut. I won’t make that mistake a third time!
I also learned a lot about what I want and don’t want in future relationships. My ex has a lot of wonderful qualities that I’d love in my next relationship, but also a lot that I know I’d avoid like the plague!
From my relationship I also I learned to love and respect myself and my body more. Now there will be no more binge-drinking or sex without love in my life, and there will be a lot more exercise, early-rising, healthy-eating and personal development! Maybe I had to reach a really dark place to see that myself and my life wasn’t what it should be/what I wanted it to be, and change that.
I have begun to see myself as 100% responsible for whatever happens to me and that I have 200% opportunity to change anything I don’t like. That I’m so lucky; that family and friends are so important and should not be taken for granted.
So many lessons this year. It’s been hard, but I’m so grateful and so hopeful for the future! :)
Way to go girl! Good luck to you! :hug:
As women, its soooo important that we know what we want- else people are too ready to make decisions and ride roughshod all over us!
Thanks Sunshinegirl and you’re so right!
I hope you have an amazing 2013 :) :hug:
– With my first relationship break-up, I have learned to point out my mistakes on that two year relationship and to value myself more
– With having no direction in life, I have learned to self-reflect on what things I wanted to try to upgrade myself
I learned that despite lots of setback, I am still alive and grateful for moments that is going on my life (be it good or bad). The news of end of the world on Dec 21st didn’t materialize and am glad that we are still alive too.
Also, by learning to go through with difficult experience actually helps me to see the area of blockages and there is constant self reflection to understand why things didn’t work, how to improve it and moving on to achieve different sets of goals to have strong result based. Yes, some things still haven’t work out ideally as of today, but some part I am aware how I can remove the blockages with right assistance and insights from everyone.
Also, I learn gratefulness for people who help me in improving myself along my journey, I would thank Celes for sharing her knowledge on productivity and her life insights. Also thanks to Dolly, Ngee Key, Ruth and Christie Khoo for bringing different perspectives to my life and more understanding of accountability.
Cheers! to all of us for our honesty in expressing our ups and downs, and to Elton for sharing your reflections, we all know that everything is temporary. Let’s continue to support and encourage each other :hug:
Haha, I guess we share the same mind right Dolly.
I have learned that I really do love my husband, he is the right man for me, and I am so blessed to have him. It feels good to be able to say it to him again after many years. In our 16 years of marriage many walls have been built up. I feel they are coming down, brick by brick. 2012 is when we had a turn around. I believe 2013 will be the year for a real change and I am looking forward to it.
That’s so lovely to hear :). I’m very happy for you Deanna.
Thats good news Deanne.
If you have read my post in # 11 you can relate here why I am writing these points down.
So before you read any further go check #11 for my low points in 2012.
Lession # 1.
Below examples are reflection of my mind, how I give example to myself. So do not get confused :)
If I give you my shoe to wear do you think it will fit you?? Chances are very less that it will..right.?
Well same goes for our lives.
What I did was I was influenced by media, society, television and what not that I should fall in love. I am 30 and have been alone for a very very long time. I wanted to get married. But my way of getting a soul mate was influenced by various people.
My friends suggested go get her. My mind said I am not doing the right thing. I saw every one around and tried to implicate their way of falling in a relationship or choosing a girl.
What I did was I never understood that the shoe I am going to buy wont fit my feet. Because its not mine.
I had been in terrible tug of war with my mind. And at last I lost her. The biggest part is I lost myself.
Lesson # 2.
Love your self. Respect yourself.
Lesson # 3.
Do not rush love, do not rush relationships. If it has to happen it will happen. if you think you have to struggle to much he/she is not for you.
Lesson # 4.
Develop a passion for something you love, if you do not have one , do not settle till you do not find one. Its absolutely necessary. I am saying this because the more you concentrate on your self more you love your self. And less you do the wrong things. This stops your idle mind to wander.
Reply people if you want to do a healthy debate.
And thank you Celes.
Not much to debate here…all very well said ;)
Well the things that I have learnt have been common for both of my low points –
To be happy in whatever you do , professionally as well as in your personal life only then will you feel a sense of satisfaction and achievement.
Its okay to be selfish when you are looking out for your own happiness because only a happy person will be able to spread happiness n keep others happy.
To look at the brighter side of things and not feel left out or depressed when things dont go your way , u require only a minor revision of plans after all whatever does happen, happens for good and better things are destined to come your way. :)
I already answered this question while concluding the answer to the last question. Here’s me quoting me….
” In fact, instead of looking at it all as blocks, I thought of it as the Universe trying to push me to face issues and transform.”
That thought shifted my state of mind. Instead of struggling ‘against the storm’ it opened me to the possibility of using the storm to propel myself.
I learnt to break my barriers and speak my thoughts. That brought a huge change in me. I’m so grateful for it all
1: For my work issue, I’m going to look at the positive of the survey and take advantage of the results. Since the survey is also part of my official records at work, the fact that three out of ten employees wrote me up to ethics, how could I get a 91% approval rate on my survey. If all three had an issue with me won’t my results be 70% or below? I also have the highest approval rate in my department.
2: For my divorce, I know it’s over, and I now know what I should do for my next relationship. Again looking back at my relationship in the past, there were so many signs from the beginning which indicated there was a problem. I’m not going to let it happen again.
3: As for my health, I have to do my best to keep up with my gym routine, eating right, and deal with the health issues as they come up. There is no reason to keep worrying about how the blood test results will be. I just need to concentrate on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. That’s the best thing I can do for my health.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That is how the light gets in
(by Leonard Cohen)
You need the darkness to see the stars.
The lessons I learned from my low point is, its real and normal for any human to have urge, but the way you handle yours gives you better satisfaction or can negatively affects your life.
Yes we all have urge, God gave us a self that must be control (Self-Control).
If I can easily get myself satisfy, getting use to it, than there is possibility that my man can’t satisfy me. Is abnormal
Being there physically is not enough, the main thing is be there emotionally.
Very often I am there with them but doing my own things, like surfing the net, clearing paperwork….
On work wise, need to find the area that I would like to focus in long run, floating around for past few year don’t do me good. Lack drive in life.
I hit a low point everytime I am reminded of the fact that my husband and I have fertility issues. But every difficult situation has some valueable lessons to offer.
In my case, it has forced me to admit that I have a problem and I need help, which I am getting.
It has taught me that relatives do mean well. Some just lack tact in addressing the issue around me compared to others.
It definitely reminds me to exercise more tact with other people. My touchy subject is children, it could be money for others.
I guess the most important thing that I learned from my low points, is that it really is okay to be by yourself. That is important to work through your loneliness enough to realize that you don’t need someone else to complete you. Not that it wouldn’t be nice to find my person. But it is okay to be alone while learning about yourself.
So true! And once you learn to be okay by yourself, relationships will surely be much better as well :)
Thanks for posting this. Have a great year ahead.
Financial issues – that sometimes it’s best to find a job you dislike to secure your finances. It might be a waste of time but ultimately I’m not going to fulfil my purpose if I’m not alive or if I’m forced to live with people I don’t get along with.
Lack of motivation over summer – that if I’m feeling low, I should quickly find something inspiring to do before I spiral further down and become unable to take any initiative to help myself.
Breakup with my bf of 9 months – that I cannot depend on any one person for my social needs!!! That I’m capable of socialising with a wide range of people and having great conversations. That I can be confident and happy. Also that even the people who seem perfect at first might end up being completely different from what you wanted.
Being led on and then rejected by someone I thought I shared a great connection with – again, that first impressions can be terribly wrong. I don’t think he’s a bad person (otherwise I wouldn’t feel anything for him anymore, so in a way this is the worst possible situation here, lol) but I’m guessing he doesn’t know himself well enough and isn’t very good at time-management, hence him never having time. Anyway, I’m not likely to trust my first judgement ever again. I fall in love too easily and then it just bothers me all the time. Always the thoughts of “isn’t there anything I could do to change the situation? Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough!”
Letting go of that will be my challenge for next year, it seems…
Agree with your. I have been more or less in similar issue this year.
I know 2013 is going to be fab for you JadePenguin! Just keep on keeping on and everything will work out wonderfully :)
I feel that I can see where you are coming from especially in terms of romance and relationships. Hang in there! :)
I’ve found that looking within yourself and being happy with yourself – enjoy your own company, working on yourself etc really helps in the healing process. And also, look at it that you are one step closer to “the one” :)
That it is important to always keep the outcome at the forefront of your mind and thoughts. Every decision, ask ,myself, is this bringing me closer of further away from where I want to be?
From my break up with the guy I have loved the most and thought I would marry to losing my job to moving out alone and also to having exams (all in one go), I believe that lessons I have learned are:
* Things change, life changes, people change – be open to those changes rather than having a fixed view of the future
* Great things can fall apart so better things come together (based on a quote but I wholly believe this)
* Being alone and fending for yourself can be difficult but it will teach you how to live
* Be grateful that you have shelter and food
* When it rains, it pours; but after the storm there will be sunshine and rainbows
* It will get better
* LIFE GOES ON!
Love this! Looks like you have very well adapted to changes in your life :D
Sounds like a self-empowerment journey with much success! Congrats! :clap:
I would say if anything I learned to actually accept other people for who they are. Not everyone is going to agree with you on everything you do in life. Sometimes they might not voice their opinions when things happen. Instead they might keep things inside until it boils over. This behavior is not healthy. Instead it is better to talk as a civilized adult about your feelings WHEN they are first hurt. It is better that people know when and why you are upset, but also best that you keep a level head when angry. Everyone is going to make mistakes in life, the trick is how and if you learn from them. And finally it is best sometimes to start over then to continue being miserable.
I learnt that life is too Short. I need to plan and work on my education and career. I need to relax a little when it comes to my family and not get upset and angry so easily, have more patience.
I learned that God will always get me through the low points and all that all things work for my good, Romans 8:28.
1. There are always causes and effects, I must take more time to plan, approximately 66% of the time allocated for the task. If I take Lincoln example of “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”
Preparation is everything – taking the time to prepare thoughtfully saves time in the long run, because instead of doing things two or more times, I do them once thoroughly. The time spent in preparation is gained in execution. This must be a lesson I need to learn because I keep repeatedly wanting to finish something quickly without breaking it down step by step.
2. Always ask and check that something has been completed. Make a note to check when I estimate or ask when a task should be completed. Whether is 1 week, 1 month or later and keep on until it is finished.
3. Things are not always what they are supposed to be, if something is not working, then energy has to be directed until the correct move is completed. It is better to prepare maximum beforehand, to reduce time and energy dispersed.
4. Kindness costs nothing.
Interestingly, I learnt by writing out this exercise that I tend to miss out vital steps in a sequence, hence I have to bear the consequences. I sometimes do this in speech and writing as well. It is only when I break things down into baby steps that things flow seamlessly, especially with a solid plan and a good review.
Preparation is an absolute necessity. I completely agree with you.
1. I learnt that if you are not 100 % ready for a task which you want to do never start it but make your self ready for the task.
2. Do not start a job a business if you are not sure about it be sure that what am i doing is realy good or not ? Is this compeny listed on stock exchange if not so is this compeny resposble for your investment ? Can you handle this by your own power without govt help
3. Do not love if you are alon . Do love when you have time
4. Search happeness and opertunity in you own resourse . Dont follow others because you are differend from him by age’ by excperiance’ by knowlge’ by power’ by family you have ‘ bla bla bla so how can you do the same thing . Let know your iner vioce and follow it because your heart know you better than any one.
Wow! I can closely relate to all the lessons you have listed :)
I am very glad to see that you reply to my post and have the same thoughts which i have .
After my mistake at work I learned that I actually CAN make mistakes and no-one hates me. This is very difficult for me since I tend to perfectionismn and self-hatred when not being able to fulfill my expectation.
I also learned this year to see my parents from a different angle. I know see them more as “real human beings with a story and difficulties” as ever before. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t see them as humans before, it’s just kind of a different viewpoint. More mature, more realistic, more complete, sad and full of sorrows.
I see them as the source of my problems. Of my low self-esteem and my anger issues.
I’m really happy to move out next year, but I still love them. Of course I do.
Hi Ceridwen,
I found that as I grew older my perspective changed about how I saw my parents, I saw their flaws but I also saw mine. Even if you find your parents are far from being ideal, this will give you a base from how to be as a person and then parent whether it is the exact opposite or a mix of some of their patterns of behaviour.
From the money issue, that no matter how rich or poor you are, a loving and caring family is worth more than anything else.
From my grandma’s health condition, that we really are fragile creatures and we shouldn’t take neither life for granted, nor the people in it.
I don’t know what should I have to learn from the loss of a loved one? It’s a big loss but I think now I am able to handle any situation after facing my parents death. Things around me do not matter any more. I become more spiritual and less materialistic. I begin focusing on small deeds that make some one happy even for a moment. I like to hold my other relations till my last moment and want to be a cause of pleasure for them
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