Have you heard of the Shiny Object Syndrome? It is the tendency for someone to chase something new, be it a new idea, trend, or goal, rather than to stay focused on what they’re doing.

The behavior is similar to a child who is attracted to anything that’s shiny and new. I have an 18-month-old nephew and he is constantly attracted to anything that moves or makes a sound. As he approaches something that he has never seen before, he’s intrigued at first but loses interest as the item loses its novelty to him. He’s then attracted to the next new shiny thing, only to lose interest after a while and seek the next shiny object!

You know that you have experienced the shiny object syndrome if you can relate to the following:

• You have a list of business ideas but nothing gets executed.
• You constantly start new goals but never see them through to the end.
• You jump from one course to another, drawn by the wild claims of each course.
• You frequently jump from one goal to the next rather than stick to what you’re doing to the end.
• You keep registering new domain names and launching new websites, but you don’t work on building these sites.
• You have a collection of plugins and tools, but you don’t actually use them.

Does any of the above apply to you?

The Issue with the Shiny Object Syndrome

At the heart of it, the issue with the shiny object syndrome is distraction. Being constantly drawn to new ideas and tools, and abandoning important tasks in the process.

When you’re constantly distracted, a few issues happen:

1. You never get things done. That’s because you’re always on to something new, rather than completing your current plans.
2. You spend too much time on new ideas and fancy tools, of which 95% are noise, rather than building the fundamentals.
3. You become a jack of all trades, master of none. That’s because you don’t spend enough time to become good at something. There is a difference between a Beginner vs. Intermediate vs. Veteran vs. Expert, and you spend too much time being a Beginner since you’re switching focus and learning things from scratch all the time. This is different from developing a talent stack, which means being good enough in a variety of skills, hence giving you an edge over others.
4. Because you never get good enough at something, you never reap the market leader rewards. The market leader effect is the phenomenon where the winner takes all. Most people will only ever know the top leaders in each industry, and hence market leaders often enjoy a huge lead in market share over everyone else. When you’re constantly chasing new things, you spend too much time learning the basics rather than building on your skills. This causes you to miss out on market leader gains.

When you’re the best in your field, you enjoy significant gains over others — whether it’s monetary gains, brand name recognition, or opportunities (Image: Personal Excellence)

But when you are constantly attracted to shiny objects, you never have the chance to become great at something. You’re always climbing the learning curve for each new thing you chase. (Image)

How to Avoid the Shiny Object Syndrome: 7 Tips

So how can you stay focused and avoid the shiny object syndrome?

1. Understand that new does not mean better. To be clear, addressing the shiny object syndrome is not about ignoring every new thing. In today’s world, it is important to keep in touch with the latest trends and updates. However, when all you do is follow every new tool and idea, you waste your time chasing trends rather than getting things done. Understand that new doesn’t mean better. Just because someone just launched something new doesn’t automatically mean that it’s better.
2. Learn to see past the hype. There are constantly new, shiny objects in the online world. New startups, new products, new services. On social media, seeing raving reviews creates a mob mentality where you feel the need to jump in and follow what others are doing.
   
   But see past the hype. While people may brag about how great a product/service is, what’s good for others may not be good for you. Even though a company can promise the world on what their product can do, many startups, ideas come with birthing pains and issues. Rather than jump headfirst into something, question how it fits in with your priorities.
3. Assess its fit with your work (and life). Before jumping into a new idea or tool, assess its fit with your work and life. Don’t follow what others are doing just because it’s the hottest thing now — it’s not sustainable. Ask yourself,
   
   1. Is this what I really need?
   2. Will it add value to my work and life?
   3. What are the pros vs. the cons of doing this?
   Only do something if it’s what you need and it adds genuine value to your work and life. Just because others are doing something doesn’t mean you have to.
4. Improve your signal-to-noise ratio. The best way to manage distraction is not through discipline, but by managing the sources of distraction. When you are part of groups and newsletters that keep recommending new products, new offerings, it disrupts your focus and train of thought. You have to deal with the mental load of looking up each recommendation, assessing if it’s good for you, and making a decision about it. This is known as cognitive load, something that I mentioned in my How To Say No To Others podcast.
   
   Instead of filtering out noise which takes up precious mental energy, remove low-quality information sources. Evaluate your social media news feeds, Facebook group memberships, email subscriptions, and RSS feed subscriptions. What is your noise-to-signal ratio for each channel? Noise refers to information that’s irrelevant to you, while signal refers to information that’s useful and relevant. A high noise-to-signal ratio means the channel has a high proportion of unhelpful, irrelevant suggestions (noise) vs. helpful suggestions (signal). Unsubscribe from groups and newsletters with a high noise-to-signal ratio. Get your information from sources with a high signal-to-noise ratio instead.
5. Understand the concept of switching costs. Even though there are new tools released all the time, I only look into a new tool when (a) it has something that my current tools can’t provide, and/or (b) there are very strong reviews from multiple sources. Otherwise, I simply take a cursory glance at what’s available and return to my work priorities.
   
   One reason is that when you shop even though you don’t need anything, you’re invariably going to end up buying something. The second reason is switching costs, which are invisible costs incurred as a result of switching to something new. Switching costs can be monetary. They can be the time taken to learn a brand new system. They can also be the mental cost of changing your focus. When you keep switching to new ideas, new projects, and new tools, you are just incurring switching costs all day long and getting nothing done. Always factor such costs in when you are enticed by a new idea or tool.
6. Adopt a “wait and see” approach. When you’re unsure, it helps to adopt a “wait and see” approach. With rapid technological changes today, many tools tend to become obsolete after a couple of years. For example, many WordPress plugins are no longer supported or have died out. Products that claim to be the best often get replaced by better products one to two years later.
   
   My personal approach when I feel 50/50 about something is to wait and see. If it’s a new tool, I take the chance to look at the company’s background, preview the tool, and assess if I really need it. For new online tools, there are often integration issues and unknown bugs, and it can be costly to be an early adopter if you already have a live business with customers. Unless this is something that I need to use now and I have no other alternative, I find that “waiting and seeing” a much more prudent approach.
7. Differentiate between shiny objects and real opportunities. Last but not least, learn to differentiate between shiny objects and real opportunities. Shiny objects are things that look good and exciting, but are really distractions at the end of the day. There are many new products these days that look promising but don’t add value to your work and life. By the time you are done with it, you realize you have no need for that tool — after which you get distracted by another shiny object.
   
   Keep a watch out for real opportunities — and be ruthless in saying no to shiny objects. Real opportunities make a real impact in your work. For example, tools that dramatically improve your workflow. Tools that help you grow your business. Tools that help you better engage with customers. Tools that help you deliver better products and services.

Have you been distracted by shiny objects? It’s time to get your focus back on. Get clear on your big rock priorities, invest your 10,000 hours, and pursue ideas that make a real change. Let’s get a move on and work on our real priorities! :)

Read:

• How To Finish What You Start: 10 Important Tips
• How Social Media Creates a Fear of Missing Out (And What To Do About It) [Podcast]
• Busy vs. Productive: 7 Tips to Be Productive, Not Busy

Talent stack is a concept coined by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic. It’s the idea that you can combine normal skills until you have the right kind to be extraordinary.

An example is Scott himself. He’s not the best artist — there are better artists than him. He’s not much of a business expert — there are more savvy experts. He has never taken a college-level writing class. Yet, he created Dilbert, a famous comic strip that appears in 65 countries.^[1] Scott is said to have a net worth of $75 million, majority of which comes from Dilbert.^[2]

As he says, “When you add in my ordinary business skills, my strong work ethic, my risk tolerance, and my reasonably good sense of humor, I’m fairly unique. And in this case that uniqueness has commercial value.”

Understanding how a talent stack works is important. Normally, people think that success comes from developing talent in one skill. This works well in some fields. In medicine, the natural progression is to pick a specialty. In sports, you train to become best in your field, like Tiger Woods (golf) and Michael Jordan (basketball). In acting, you develop the best acting chops, like Robert De Niro and Morgan Freeman.

But besides becoming world-class in one skill, talent can come from having a unique stack of skills that no one else has. You can utilize different skills to create value in a way no one else can, thus becoming one-of-a-kind in your own league.

More Examples of Talent Stack

Lisa Elfridge is a celebrity make-up artist on YouTube. She was already known prior to starting her website and YouTube channel. But after she started her channel focusing on beauty and makeup tips, her authority and success rose to a whole new level.^[3]

Reason? She is one of her kind in her field.

• Celebrity makeup artists work with their clients for photo shoots, appearances. They don’t publish their work online. Most of their self-marketing happens offline, through networking, connections, etc.
• On the other hand, online makeup gurus generally show how they do their own makeup. But they are not professionally trained. They cannot give professional advice on what is the best makeup for different skin tones, or for skin that is not like theirs.

Lisa has a unique talent stack to navigate the ultra-competitive beauty space:

1. Makeup skills. She has professional makeup skills.
2. Industry knowledge. She has real experience working with celebrities.
3. Presentation skills. She communicates her makeup tips in an easy-to-understand way. White backdrop, no frills or production gimmicks. No music. Just her and her beauty tips.
4. Video creation skills. She knows how to create professional-looking videos, or at the least she hires people with the right skills.

People in the celebrity makeup world have the first two skills. Online makeup gurus have the latter two skills. But Lisa is able to harness all four skills, hence becoming extraordinary in her field. That’s her talent stack.

Example: Blogging

When I started my blog, I was not much of a writer — I have never taken a professional writing class. I have average web design skills. I have good marketing and business strategy skills. I have very strong analytical skills. And I have a strong passion for growth.

Put these together and I was able to create a coaching business that thrives despite stiff competition. My blend of skills is strong enough to stand out in the market:

1. Marketing and business strategy. Most web business owners do not have professional marketing knowledge. What was common sense to me, in marketing my business, was alien to everyone else. After entering the field, I realized no one really knew what they were doing in terms of business strategy and management. Many bloggers were just randomly blogging but no one was thinking about their blog as a strategic platform for their business, not until the 2010s when the commercial potential for blogging became obvious.
2. Design and coding. Many web business owners do not have web design or coding knowledge. In the end, they get stuck with technical issues as running a web business has become super complicated today. You can hire a designer but you get stuck in the to-and-fro and trying to convey your ideas to them. Even when paying high fees for good designers, there’s still a gap between intention and execution. And that’s not even talking about ongoing maintenance which is part of any website today.
3. Coaching. My coaching has a unique edge because I can analyze and break down intricate problems, with a focus on solving issues by tackling their root cause. On the other hand, most coaches provide surface solutions and some form of emotional support, but their clients continue to deal with the same problems becauss the root issue is never addressed.
4. Writing. I am an average writer, but at the very least my writing is passable and good enough for blog articles. I’m also constantly working on my writing skills.
5. Analytical skills. For everything else, my ability to learn and analyze things helps me fill the gap.

Since starting my blog, I have built new skills to further stand out from the competition: public speaking, podcasting, video editing, and networking skills. With a diverse mix of skills, I’m able to stay ahead despite constant market changes.

How a Talent Stack Works

A talent stack works in this way:

• You leverage on the skills that you have to create an edge. Marketing, networking, technical, design, etc.
• Even if you don’t have a skill, you can learn it to set yourself apart from others.
• You mix seemingly normal skills together and become extraordinary in your own right.

Example: Recruitment

Let’s say you are a software engineer. You are great in your field. You design and develop software with ease. However, you are stuck in a job that pays you almost the same amount every year.

Many software engineers are technically competent but lack the savviness to market themselves. They are simply not taught how to market themselves in engineering and computing classes. A possible talent stack here can be:

• Technical. You already have this skill if you’re a software developer.
• Networking. You form positive relationships with people across the organization. You have high visibility among the management. You form relationships with recruiters, headhunters, and peers in different industries to expand your job options. You know how to use Linkedin to connect with industry peers and get potential job offers.
• Presentation. You can present yourself well, and your ideas eloquently.
• Marketing. You know how to market yourself and sell your strengths. Your resume is filled with achievements but not responsibilities. You know how to present your skills and job history in the best way.

You don’t need to be the best in networking/presentation/marketing. Just knowing some networking, presentation, and marketing skills puts you at a sweet spot, ahead of others. Because everyone else (in your field) lacks these skills.

One of my recent clients is a technical developer. In the past year, he learned different technical skills (that are emerging in the market now) to widen his skills set. Doing so increased his appeal as a job candidate. At the same time, we worked on his self-marketing skills — giving his resume an overhaul, focusing on achievements rather than responsibilities, learning to position his skills and capabilities. He also began networking — with recruiters, headhunters, industry peers — to get himself out there.

In the end, he got a job offer that paid him 60% more than his previous job.

If he didn’t upgrade himself, chances of such an attractive job switch are virtually zero. He would be locked in his current company, subjected to the offer presented by his company. In fact this was what happened in his previous jobs. But because of his skill sets, he can navigate the industry easily and get the best offer. He’s not the best marketer. He’s not the best networker. But having decent skills in these are enough to put him ahead.

The goal of a talent stack is to stack different skills to create a sweet spot. A sweet point that dramatically raises your value in a competitive field. This applies whether you are a blogger, salaried employee, business owner, baker, software developer, coach, or something else.

3 Questions to You

My questions to you:

1. What industry are you in? Blogging? Health and fitness? IT? Coaching? Online business? YouTube? Others?
2. In your industry, what skills do people compete on?
3. Given that everyone has these skills in #2, what new skills can you learn to 10X your market value?

Another Example: Music

For example, electronic music tends to be very loud music that is used for raves, nightclubs, and festivals. Kitarō is different. He uses electronic and other instruments to create instrumental, East Asian music that is soothing and pleasing to the ear. In the American music industry, his music is a refreshing change.

He is not the best synthesizer player. He’s not the best flute player or drummer. But his ability to integrate western style of music with eastern elements makes him one of the most prominent musical acts of New-Age music, with more than 100 million copies of his 50 albums sold worldwide.^[4] Kitarō’s talent stack lies in his synthesizer skills, his general knowledge in music (self-taught), his familiarity with the Eastern culture (he was born into a family of Shinto-Buddhist farmers), and his connection with nature (he lives in the mountains to get inspiration for his music).^[5][6][7]

Wrapping Up

What new skills can you learn? If you have absolutely no idea what to learn, some true-north skills that are great for stacking are:

• Public speaking
• Marketing
• Coding (Because the world today is so digitized)
• Social media marketing
• Business management
• Whatever you are passionate about

Again, you don’t need to be the best in every skill. Simply learning a new skill opens up so many options. For some, learning and combining different skills may be the answer to discover your passion and talent — rather than something that you discover by sitting around and waiting for life to happen.

Read:

• What To Do When You Have Too Many Passions
• Skills Development
• The Market Leader Effect

(Image)

“Dear Celes, I have been wanting to reach out to you for a long time, you were always one of my top mentors and it’s really amazing the sheer volume of things you have done and accomplished in your business and life. I have always wanted to have my own business and this year I finally quit my job so that I can focus on doing it once and for all.

The problem is, I have no income now (no surprise), and searching for another job is probably going to start the whole cycle of not being able to do much on my business again. My ex-company is kind enough to offer me freelance jobs, however, the rates are not superb and I’m worried that I might need to always check my inbox and spend way too much time on those freelance gigs. Plus I really don’t align with them. But it seems the safest way to get some income for now. What should I do?

Thank you and love you.” — Increa7

Hi Increa7, thank you so much for your kind words! :D I’m really happy for you that you’ve taken action to focus on your business. Yet, you are right — the state of not having income can be an unnerving one. So what should you do?

Whether you should earn side income (or even look for a new job) while in the process of building up your business really depends on the following:

1. How much you need this money
2. Whether earning the money will make a difference (to you)
3. Whether you can create more value by spending this time on your business or the side job

What do I mean?

1. How much you need this money refers to your financial status. How long your current savings can last you till. Your comfort level before you feel that you need to look for a job. For some people it’s $1,000 in savings; for others they may feel like they need to look for a job when they dip below $10,000 in savings. This is a personal figure.
2. Whether earning the money will make a difference. Perhaps you don’t really need the side income but you feel disturbed by a decreasing bank balance. Earning some side income will give you emotional relief.
3. Whether you can create more value on your business or the side job. While starting a new business, not all our time spent will be productive. Maybe some of this time can be better spent by gaining experience or building your portfolio in a different job / side job, in a way that helps with your business. Or earning side income that can be used to grow your business.

When I started Personal Excellence in 2008, I decided to earn some side income (as a private tutor) after two months. Why? I didn’t have any financial trouble and my savings would last me for another 1.5 to 2 years, at least. I did this to err on the side of caution, because I wasn’t sure when I was going to earn my first dollar. While I had a goal and a plan, I was in a totally new industry, and let’s not kid anyone — anything from absolute success to absolute failure could happen. I knew that I was going to achieve results as long as I stuck to my strategy and plan, but it wasn’t 100% clear when these results would appear.

So as contingency, I sought out some side income. Nothing that required major time, just some simple tutoring assignments. There was no learning curve as I already gave private tuition back in school. By doing so, I was able to put my fears to rest. Even though I was just earning a few hundred dollars a month, at least I knew that I was having some income coming in. I was still having a net decrease in my bank balance each month, but I knew that I could easily increase it by take up more tutoring assignments when needed. I was simply minimizing my risks so that I could work on my business without worry (because we all know how helpful worrying is).

In the end, doing so helped me put my 100% into PE without reservation, and was possibly one of the reasons why things took off so quickly. I quit my side job after 2-3 months because I was already earning money through my business, and every hour spent on my side job was more costly than useful. Working on my side job also gave me exposure to different situations (coaching different kids) which gave me ideas and inspiration for my work.

I do feel that if I hadn’t had side income coming in, I wouldn’t be as bold and fearless in my endeavor. I would still be taking lots of action of course, but second guessing and worrying at each turn, wondering when I was going to earn money, etc. It was by creating contingency plans (getting side income; ensuring I had job options if I were to return to work), and allaying my fears, that I was able to 100% commit, without fear or doubt, to my business plan. And this confidence (along with persistence, hard work) was very important in helping me succeed. After all, when you walk into something with fear, you bring fearful vibes with you, which affects your actions and results.

3 Questions if You’re Considering a Side Job

For you Increa7, if you are considering a side job, there are 3 factors you can look at:

1. Does this side job require a high investment of time? Ideally you want a low investment but high payoff option. Just put in the hours, get the money, and move on and work on your business. Even if the earnings are not high, that’s okay — you are not doing this forever. It should be worth your time, in that you can’t earn this $$ by spending this same amount of time on your business.
2. Do I need this money? Even if for emotional relief, if it gives you a peace of mind, then it’s worth pursuing.
3. Does this side job move me closer to my vision? Will it help you learn skills, gain experience, or build connections that will help you in your business?

It sounds like working for your ex-company (freelancing) will satisfy #1 (low investment of time) and #2 (meets a need), but not really #3 (relevance to your business). And that’s fine as I don’t think a side gig needs to fulfill all criteria. It is, after all, just a side gig to tide you through. Your main objective is to succeed in your business and to earn a living from it. Everything else you do is to help you move forward to your final goal.

Of course, if you can pick and choose assignments that fit your goals, that would be great. You can also let your ex-company know your preference, and perhaps work something out. Or you can use this freelance job as a temporary solution, and shift to a different side job later if you come across a better opportunity. But you shouldn’t spend a huge amount of time finding or making your side job happen, unless you really need the money.

In the meantime, keep your mind sharp on the end goal — to make money in your business. As you work on your business, hopefully you will start to earn some income — $1, $100, $200, $500. Soon, your time taken away from your business to do the side gig is not worth the money you earn from the side job anymore. Soon, you will find that you gain more by spending this time on your business rather than your side job. That’s when you can ween off your side job assignments and spend more time on your business, to the point where you can stop working on the side altogether. :)

Setting a Cutoff

Finally, what will help is (1) to set a cutoff on the number of hours you are willing to put aside to earn side income, and (2) to recognize that the side job as simply what it is — a side job.

On (1), having a cutoff helps you limit the hours you spend on the side gig, so that you don’t divert too much. Let’s say you are willing to spend only 10 hours a week on this side job — keep to this number. Take up assignments that will match this amount of time, and stop once you’ve met your quota. Spend the rest of your time on your business. Use time management strategies to maximize your time.

On (2), sometimes we may feel discouraged when we don’t get as much income as we did before. But this is pointless because it is not an apple-to-apple comparison. The point of the side job is to tide us over and bleed less in expenses each month. It is not a source of profit or massive profit. Your end goal is to succeed in your business. So keep your eyes on the final prize.

Remember that you quit your day job because you didn’t have the time to fully focus on your business. Yet at the same time, working on your business fully at the start can be unnerving since there is $0 in earnings. The side job is to make this transition less jarring — by giving you a little income, not a lot but enough to cover simple expenses, and most importantly still give you some time/freedom to work on your business.

At every step of the way, your goal should be to find new strategies to grow your business, get the word out about your business, and start earning your first dollar (from your business) by giving great value to your customers/clients.

I’ve written a lot on earning money with your passion/business in my passion series, so do check that out. My post on The Passion, Market, Skills Framework will also be important.

All the best Increa7, and I wish you godspeed in your business journey! :)

Announcement: New Release of Be a Better Me in 30 Days!

After many months of hard work, I’ve finally launched the upgraded version of Be a Better Me in 30 Days, my 30-day character transformation program! The material has been hugely upgraded, with the guidebook expanding from 230 pages to 308 pages, over 100 participant verbatims added in, workbook updated, and many parts rewritten.

For those of you who have purchased/upgraded, thank you! I love reading updates from you guys, and here’s a lovely note from Sarah who did 30BBM way back in 2012:

Dear Celes, thank you so much! I just bought the new edition. Last night I re-read my whole 30BBM workbook from 2012. So much has changed since then! I completed my PhD, married my boyfriend whom I mentioned so much in my previous 30BBM run, and have had a very happy few years working in university teaching and researching in Japan and then again back home in the UK. I can’t wait to start 30BBM again as I work on my next challenge — securing a permanent job in a very unstable sector. Thank you, Celes. :)

1. If you haven’t gotten the program, read about 30BBM here, read the FAQs, or head straight to checkout.
2. For recent customers, I’ve sent out the email on how to get the upgraded version of 30BBM on Aug 1. Check your mailbox for the email titled: “New Release: Be a Better Me in 30 Days.” If it’s not in your inbox, please check your spam folder.
3. For the 30DLBL & 30BBM buyers who have purchased the 30DLBL upgrade, I said to reply to the email thread from last December — apologies as the email is no longer functional. Simply reach us here with the required details!

Thank you to everyone who has purchased the upgraded 30BBM — enjoy the program and your character transformation journey! Any questions on 30BBM, let me know here!

(Click image for larger version (Infographic by Funders and Founders))

Breaking it down,

• Steven Spielberg was rejected by the University of Southern California Film School 3 times. He eventually attended another school, only to drop out and become a director. He returned school to earn his BA 35 years later.^[1]
• Productivity guru Tim Ferris was rejected by publishers 25 times for his book The 4-Hour Workweek. It went on to become a New York Times’ Best Seller, as has his next two books The 4-Hour Body and The 4-Hour Chef.^[2]
• Founder of Pandora, Tim Westergren, was rejected by over 300 VCs when pitching for funding. The company spent 2.5 years broke. To compensate for the lack of funds, Westergren worked for free and convinced others to do the same.^[3]
• Richard Branson launched 400 companies before founding one that is out of this world (Virgin Galactic). As with any successful entrepreneur, he has failed in many businesses from Virgin Cola to Virgin Brides to Virgin Cars to Virgin Clothing to Virgin Cosmetics.^[4][5] Bet you didn’t know that Branson launched a cosmetics company before, did you? He even started a condoms company in 1987 (which he sold a year later) that has become big in the UK!
• Colonel Sanders was rejected 1,009 times when trying to sell his fried chicken recipe.^[6] As we all know, KFC is a world-renowned franchise today and likely inspired the launch of other fried chicken companies. I share more of Colonel’s story here (see point #7).
• Sylvester Stallone was rejected 1,500 times when he tried selling his script and himself for what would be the film Rocky. Stallone suffers from partial paralysis in his face which made it difficult for him to get casted in an industry that’s all about looks. Today, Rocky is one of the most successful film series of all time, grossing more than US $1 billion.^[7][8]
• James Dyson, founder of the Dyson, created 5,126 times failed prototypes of his vacuum cleaner before succeeding. Today, Dyson sells machines in over 70 countries and employs more than 7,000 people worldwide.^[9]
• And you probably know this one: Thomas Edison created 10,000 failed prototypes of his electric bulb before succeeding. As he famously said,
  

  “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

It is easy to ignore the hard work and failures that winners experienced in their success as they may seem uncool or unsexy.

But failure is part and parcel of success. Failure is where we learn about ourselves and ways that don’t work. Failure is where we become more intelligent and gain more experience and understand the gaps in our skills. Failure is where we move closer to success.

Meaning… to succeed fast,

1. Learn to fail. Fast. Take action. Try different things. Bad ideas, good ideas; it don’t matter. Just put yourself out THERE.
2. Then, learn from these failures. Be curious. Understand what worked and what didn’t work.
3. Fix the issues that didn’t work and revise your strategy.
4. Then, try again.

The more you fail, the more experienced you are. The more experienced you are, the smarter you become. The smarter you become, the higher your chances of success. And in a matter of time, you will reach your desired goal.

Read:

• How To Start When You Have Nothing
• The 21-Day Incubation Period
• The Power of Little Changes

(Click image for larger version)

Here are the different stages of this journey:

1. “This is the best idea ever!!” — When you just come up with a new goal
2. “This will be fun” — Getting started…
3. “This is harder than I thought” — Taking the first few steps
4. “This is going to be a lot of work” — Getting into the thick of things…
5. “This sucks I have no idea what I’m doing” — When you realize that this is harder than you thought
6. “#%@}!!!!!!!!!!!” — When you’ve invested way too much time and energy into this, but things aren’t turning out the way you want
7. “Ok but it still sucks” — When you see some results, but there’s still much to be done
8. “Quick, let’s call it a day and say we learned something” — When you feel like giving up
9. “Hmm…”
10. “Hey!”
11. “Wow” — #9 to #11: The Creation Process™
12. “This is one of the things I am most proud of” — Reaching the finishing line!

Having completed several book projects before, I can relate to this.

The contrast between Stages #1 and #5 is normal as many people severely underestimate the work needed for a goal. It’s only when we start working on it that we realize it’s not as easy as it seems.

Stage #6 is what I call development hell. This is when you are deep in the goal and experiencing all the difficulties and challenges. You have to really push through to get past this stage. This is also when you decide if you really want this enough to continue.

There are mentions of “Belief/Persistence” and “Family+Humour,” which are important factors to get you through this journey. Having the belief and persistence to tackle the obstacles. Having the support of loved ones and being able to laugh when the going gets tough.

As you can see, most people start off optimistic about their goals, but experience self-doubt or even think about giving up when they face one hurdle after another. I have gone through this before, especially in book writing.

If you’re working on a goal (such as an app, a book, or a business) and facing a roadblock, know that you’re not alone. Here are my tips to push through:

1. Understand that the effort to create anything great is often 100-1000X of what people think. The difficulty you’re facing is not specific to you but something everyone faces. The people who can get past the dark swamp are those who reach the other end.
2. Create a plan to address the obstacles. What’s blocking you now? How can you address it? Can you get help? Can you join a peer group or consult someone?
3. Break your goal down into milestones. Then, break each milestone into little steps. Focus on just one step at a time.
4. Get support. Is there anyone you can consult or connect with? If not, can you get emotional support, say from family and friends?
5. Take a few steps back. Things can seem disastrous when we are working on a goal, but that’s because we’re looking too closely and lacking a big picture. Go back to the drawing board. Ask yourself, Why am I working on this? Why is this important to me?
6. Don’t forget self-care. This goes out of the window when we’re working on a goal, but you need to rest and care for yourself to get anywhere far.

If something doesn’t seem to be working, review and change your approach. Be okay to change your goal if it’s not working for you; there’s nothing wrong with that.

Hang in there, we’re all in this together!

Read:

• 6 Tips To Get Through Development Hell
• How To Overcome Writer’s Block [Podcast]
• The Power of Little Changes

Note: I didn’t create this infographic and couldn’t find the source, so if you know the original creator, let me know.

Today’s episode is one that you must listen if you have intentions to start your blog, online business, YouTube channel, or any online venture, be it now or in the future.

After seeing all the “make money online” and “start your online business” hype, I decided to create this to share some of the realities of running an online business that many of the “gurus” do not talk about today, or at best scantly touch on as they paint a fancy picture of the riches and freedom to be gained online.

This episode is longer than usual but that’s because it’s packed full of insider tips. In short, the online marketing / blogging / “start your online business” / “lifestyle design” circuit has become more like a Ponzi scheme, and I share many tips to put you on the right track. If you have no intentions of starting a blog / online business, this episode won’t be relevant to you. But if you know anyone who is planning to enter the online arena, please share this with them. You will save them many months of pain, time wasted, and running around in circles.

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, learn

• 5 harsh truths about blogging / starting your online business
• 6 tips for those of you who wish to start a blog / online business (or are already blogging)
• The saturation of the online space and what that means for you as a blogger / online business owner
• Why you should be skeptical about fancy claims about the online world, including supposed riches, quick traffic gains, and snazzy pictures of people seemingly earning good money
• The evolution of the web from 1990s to early 2000s, to mid-2000s and late 2000s, and to present stage 2010s
• The real nature and setup of many successful internet businesses today that you don’t see as a layman visitor
• The difference between “barriers to entry” and “barriers to success” online, and why you should be concerned with the latter
• The invisible “competitive edges” that online businesses today have (i.e. why it’s naive or unrealistic to expect quick results online)
• The reality and nature of the technical work that will come as a result of running an online business—and how starting a simple blog is totally different from running a full-fledged online business
• A list of the many technical tasks that I do at PE every month (but aren’t visible/obvious)
• The reality of online noise—negative comments and spam—and examples of the kind of noise I deal with (and examples of hate mail I receive, here and here)
• Underappreciation and the problem of being taken for granted as an online content creator
• Long-term vs. Short-term: my recommendation on the kind of mindset to adopt as you venture online
• My 3 tips for creating a solid plan for your online success
• Why you should be cautious about the online marketing / “make money online” / “start your online business” space, and my recommendations for free resources for blogging
• The importance of experimenting and doing lousy work vs. waiting
• Possible loneliness from running an online business and my tips for that

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

5 Harsh Truths About Blogging (And 6 Tips to Start an Online Business)

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

Related Resources:

• Stop Looking For a Magic Bullet For Your Goals
• Can Everyone Be Successful in Starting Their Business?
• How To Discover Your Life Purpose (series)
• How To Overcome Perfectionism (series)
• Skills Development
• The Day I Quit My Job to Pursue My Passion: 6 Things to Do Before You Quit Your Job
• How To Pursue Your Passion (series)
• Free, high-quality blogging resources. Check out and immerse in the free stuff first; don’t jump into the paid stuff in this industry unless you’ve done your due research, as most of the paid stuff in this industry is junk and will not give you easy success/ riches unlike what they may claim:
  • Quick Sprout (by Neil Patel)
  • Psycho Tactics (by Sean D’Souza)
  • Problogger (more for beginner bloggers)

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When we live in a world that’s driven by money, businesses tend to make decisions that generate the most profit, rather than create the most value for people.

For example, milk chocolate companies spend millions on advertising and getting people to eat their chocolates, even though their products are filled with sugar at the end of the day. Selling candy bars is great for profit because sugar is addictive, but they are ultimately detrimental to our health, with high sugar intake being linked to elevated heart disease and stroke.^[1]

Soda companies sell soda drinks which contribute to tooth decay and diabetes These drinks are highly profitable since, again, sugar is addictive, but they don’t add to our health — they subtract from it.

Fast-fashion companies create huge waste as they produce new clothes every season and market them as the latest fashion (how many clothes does one need, realistically?).^[2] Telling people to buy more and more clothes is definitely more profitable than telling them that they are already beautiful as themselves, which doesn’t generate high repeat sales.

Likewise, online, social media sites like Facebook design their platforms with dark patterns to build addiction at the expense of the user’s productivity and well-being.^[3][4][5] Netflix CEO Reed Hastings once said that sleep, which is a basic human need, is their competition:

“You get a show or a movie you’re really dying to watch and you end up staying up late at night, so we actually compete with sleep. And we’re winning!” — Netflix CEO, Reed Hastings^[6]

Yet there’s a difference between earning profit as a result of adding value to the customer’s life, and earning profit at the expense of your customers.

• Earning profit at the expense of your customers = Selling junk food and damaging your customers’ health
• Earning profit as a result of adding real value = Selling nutrient-rich, whole food that adds to your customers’ health
• Earning profit at the expense of your customers = Social media sites using hacks and addictive design elements to keep users on their sites longer, causing user fatigue
• Earning profit as a result of adding real value = Improving users’ lives through meaningful content

Some questions to think about as a business owner:

• Do you focus on your customers as the priority in your business?
• Is your product or service something the world really needs? Or is it a nice-to-have?
• Does your product or service add value to your customer’s life? Does it improve their health/ relationships/ career/ well-being/ <insert life area>?
• Does your product or service subtract from your customer’s life? When they use it, does it worsen their health, relationships, well-being, or other areas of their life?

A profits-at-all-costs approach may seem logical as the ultimate goal of a business is to, well, earn a profit.

But businesses that generate profits at all costs, at the expense of the user’s well-being, will eventually drive away their users. That’s because the users will realize that the business is not good for them, and its products and services don’t really serve them.

On the other hand, there is the value-centered approach where you think about your business with your users in mind first. What do they need? What betters their lives? Is this really the right thing for them?

Here, you focus on (1) creating value for your customers and (2) earning profit from the quality products you create, while preserving the integrity of your business. Not earning profits at all costs, not pushing for sales at the expense of your customers, and certainly not creating products that have a negative value for them. Profit comes as a result of creating high-value products that genuinely improve your customers’ lives — be it happiness, health, productivity, career, or relationships.

A value-centered approach is a win-win for everyone: you and your customers. It may look like a lose-win initially (lose for you), but it’s not. When you have your customers’ needs in mind, they know you care about them. They stick with you and your business because they know your products work and benefit them.

A profit-at-all-costs approach is a lose-lose. While it may start off as a win for you, it’s a lose for your customers and eventually becomes a lose-lose as customers boycott businesses that do not have their best interests at heart.

Here are some examples of how to really create value for customers:

• Instead of selling yet another unhealthy dessert, sell food that’s nutritious and wholesome, and that customers want to eat.
• Instead of getting customers to buy things to feel good about themselves, help them recognize the beauty that’s already in them.
• Instead of finding ways to make your readers stay on your site for an unnaturally long time, think about how you can positively change their lives, and let them decide the optimal time to stay on your site.

When we start focusing on people as people rather than serving our self-interests (or investors’ or shareholders’ interest), that’s when we truly benefit society as a whole. We start to truly better people’s lives and raise their consciousnesses, and attract a loyal following and earn a profit as a natural result. That’s when we truly create an impact in the world.

Have you ever had moments when you wished you spoke up and asserted yourself, but you didn’t? Do you feel difficulty asserting yourself sometimes?

I feel this way too sometimes. In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, learn

• 5 tips to build your courage to be assertive without being aggressive
• Why being assertive doesn’t mean you stop being nice [02:21]
• Why being assertive is not the same as being aggressive [03:21]
• 2 key differences between being assertiveness and aggressiveness [4:08]
• The value of your voice [04:56]
• An incident where I got molested and didn’t assert myself, and why I should have [05:54]
• 3 questions to ask yourself in determining whether to assert yourself [10:49]
• An alternate approach for people who assert too much [11:38]
• Why you shouldn’t just “wait” when it comes to high-level career questions like promotion plan and salary rise [12:19]
• Dealing with a parent who keeps pushing their views on you [13:45]
• The face-saving culture and being sensitive to people’s feelings when asserting [15:39]
• What I do when I have disruptive course participants [16:42]
• Using I-statements vs. You-statements [18:20]
• 3 differences between I-statements and You-statements, and why I-statements are better when it comes to asserting yourself or in conflicts [19:36]
• Example of I-statements in a conflict with your partner [22:00]
• Focus on the positive in conversations [23:52]
• How to talk to your boss if you’re facing heavy workload [24:59]
• How to assert to a difficult co-worker [26:09]
• The importance of win-win and how to involve others [28:18]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

How To Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

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Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

How To Be Assertive, Not Aggressive [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone, welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 9, this is Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

Today we have a question from reader Saim, who wants to know, how can you be more assertive and stay humble and polite at the same time? So let’s hear from him first.

Hi Celes, this is Saim from Pakistan. For the last 6 years, I’ve been working in Saudi Arabia in a multinational company. Some of my friends recommended me the Personal Excellence website and shared with me some free ebooks from PE. And then I logged on to the website, and I’ve been reading your articles, courses, so much stuff for the last 6 months. It’s really quite interesting and I really appreciate that. It has been helping me excel in my job.

The question I want to ask is, ‘How to be assertive?’ As a person, I’m humble and polite. But there are many situations in the workplace where we need to be assertive instead of being aggressive. I want to know and would appreciate if you can answer through the podcast in details on how to be assertive and techniques to do so.

Hey Saim, thank you so much for your question. Unfortunately, the question got cut off because there is an audio limit for the clips. The good thing is we got to hear your question: How can you be assertive while still remaining humble and polite at the same time?

So firstly, I just want to thank you for reading PE. And I want to thank your friends for recommending PE to you. Your support really means the world to me.

Now I want to make two quick points before I jump into the tips.

Fact #1: Being assertive doesn’t mean you stop being nice

The first thing is you mentioned that you’re humble and polite, which is a great thing. A lot of us are probably worried that when we try to be assertive, we stop being nice. For most of us here, we probably have core values of compassion, being nice to others, being sensitive, and being there for people. And maybe we feel that when we try to articulate our needs, we may come across as pushy. Maybe people don’t like that or they feel that we’re being arrogant.

It’s a common misconception. Being assertive doesn’t necessarily mean that you stop being humble, polite, or nice. It’s about how you assert yourself and I want to share some tips later on how we can be assertive and not come across as an ass.

Fact #2: Difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness

The second point is about assertive vs. aggressive. I love that you are asking how to be assertive without being aggressive. Because there is a distinction between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

When you are assertive, you are voicing your opinions and needs in a positive way while working with others to achieve a common goal. On the other hand, aggressiveness is when you make your point and force it across without consideration of other people’s opinions or feelings. Some people may even attack or ignore other peoples opinions, feelings, and needs altogether.

Here there are two big differences:

1. Assertiveness is the articulation of your needs in a positive way, whereas aggressiveness is negative.
2. Assertiveness is where you acknowledge that people have needs and you want to work with them to understand their needs and achieve this common goal. Whereas aggressiveness, you don’t really consider that people have their own opinions, boundaries, and needs. You don’t respect that either. You just want to push your point across.

In today’s podcast, I want to share several tips on how to be assertive without being aggressive. These tips apply to different contexts be it work or relationships, and it’s about tweaking them to fit your situation.

1) Recognize the value of your voice

My first tip is to recognize the value of your voice.

I find that a lot of us don’t speak up often because maybe we feel that we have to say isn’t important. Maybe people don’t care, or people don’t want to hear what we have to say, or what we’re gonna say isn’t going to make a difference or add any value.

But there is value in your voice, in your opinions, and what you like to share, and it is important to recognize that. No matter the problem you’re facing, if it’s bothering you, then people need to know. Because if you don’t voice it out, nobody’s ever going to know that and you’ll just be suffering in silence, which is not a good thing in the long run.

Example: When I got molested

An example where I didn’t assert myself would be years ago when I was traveling in the U.S., when I was molested. I shared about this at personalexcellence.co/blog/molestation/. There was this guy brazenly touching my thighs and it was in a train carriage where there were tons of people. Now it was at night and everyone was seated. So it wasn’t visible to other people except me.

When I experienced that, I was shocked obviously. How could someone be audaciously doing this in public and behaving as if it was okay? I tried to move away, doing all the indirect actions to convey rejection. But the guy persisted.

This was obviously the point when I should have called for help. But what stopped me included the fear of embarrassment, fear of people not believing me, not being able to get help, or even being accused of creating a ruckus or falsely accusing someone. And I was in a foreign setting, and not knowing what the locals are like, whether they would believe me, a foreigner.

So I stood up, got out of the carriage, and went to a different place on the train where I slept for the night safely and that guy didn’t follow me.

So at the very least, I protected myself. At that time, I was just in my mid-20s. Right after the incident when I blogged about it, I mentioned that if that situation were to repeat, I clearly in hindsight would report him or call for help and let it be known.

Now, let’s put this situation into context.

1. On the whole, I got away safely. So that was no “damage” or harm done to me.
2. I also avoided any public embarrassment because my approach was conflict-avoiding. And I think that is the underlying essence of many incidences when we don’t assert ourselves — it’s to avoid conflict.

But if we look at it in a different context, regarding the first tip to recognize the value of your voice — there is value in my voice. That was value in me asserting myself there and then.

By asserting myself, I would have called out that molester’s actions. There could well be criminals and molesters who perpetuate their crimes simply because they were never called out for what they did. They become more brazen in their crimes and offenses. And it just snowballs and becomes bigger.

So there is value in me asserting, in that it would have called out that person’s actions and driven awareness [of the offense]. Maybe the person would be let off, but at least it’s the first step towards ensuring that such issues don’t happen (again). In terms of sending a message to that molester and also sending a message out to the other people in the carriage. Maybe they see this issue being called out and they know that if this happens to them or they see this happening to others, how they should behave.

Example: Workplace

A different example, let’s say in a workplace context, where you are mistaken for something you didn’t do.

Let’s say you choose not to talk about it. And then over time, you start to become resentful. What’s going to happen when you feel resentful? The quality of your work may suffer, even if you don’t try to do that. Some of us may still give our best performance but this underlying resentment will naturally seep in and cause certain negative behaviors or passive-aggressive behaviors.

Example: Relationship

And then in a relationship setting. Let’s say you’re unhappy with your partner, but you don’t speak up about that. That naturally will cause unhappiness. Because if you are unhappy, that’s going to spill over to your partner and eventually him/her is going to be unhappy, and both of you wouldn’t be able to soar to your greatest heights.

The point is that when you don’t assert yourself and you just bottle things in, it drains your lifeforce and emotions, which affects your ability to be there for others. 

I have some questions for you. If there’s a situation where you are fearful of asserting yourself, ask yourself:

1. Will I be depriving another person or the group at large if I don’t share this input?
2. Will I become resentful if I don’t air this thought?
3. Will I be depriving myself of my needs by keeping quiet?

If your answer is yes to any of the above, there is value in asserting your voice and other people can gain something out of this.

Now there is the alternate situation where someone is constantly asserting themselves. Like someone who is very very confident and sure of themselves, constantly asserting themselves. Then, a different approach is necessary, where you need to weigh out the pros vs. cons of voicing out in every situation. I share more about this in my article, How to Choose Your Battles, that you can read at personalexcellence.co/blog/choose-your-battles/

2) Create the right context to speak

My second tip is to create the right context to speak.

Let’s say you want to talk to your boss about your promotion or salary negotiation. If you’re not assertive, probably you’ll just keep waiting and waiting, hoping your boss will bring it up one day. But it never comes up. Clearly, when you passively wait for the context to appear, it may not work in your favor.

Proactively create that context and make it happen. Arrange for a one-to-one meeting, like a 30-minute time with your boss. Arrange it at a time when people aren’t so busy so that your boss has the mindspace and time to hear what you have to say and help you in the best way possible.

Let’s say you are in a group setting. You’re at a presentation or in a group meeting and everyone is speaking. Have an opener to share your thoughts. For example: “Excuse me can I share my opinion on this?” or “Is it okay if I share what I think?” Doing this creates an opening for you and people know that you have something to share. You are also being polite by asking this question.

Example: How my client asserted herself to her mom

I have a recent client who shared with me about how her mom kept nagging about her relationship status. I’m sure those of you who are single and from Asia, you can relate to that. Where your parents start to ask you — when you reach at a certain age — when are you finding a girlfriend or boyfriend, when you’re getting married, blah blah blah and all that stuff.

So this happened to my client and she had been going through this for a long time where her mom just kept bringing this up once a month, twice a month. She felt really imposed and maybe even oppressed by this.

I asked my client, “Have you ever shared with your mom about how you feel?”

And she said, no she hasn’t. My client had never overtly mentioned to her mom about how oppressed she felt whenever she nagged her about her relationship status and told her to get married.

So here, applying this tip to create the right context to speak.

• One way is to simply mention it during a private conversation. When both of them are alone at home and they are not occupied with something.
• A second way could be the next time her mom talks about this topic, which she does every few weeks, this can be a great context to air her thoughts. Because at this point her mom would be in that zone of talking about this topic, asking her to get married, etc. So her mind is in this space. This would be the perfect time for my client to step in and share how she actually feels, and of course in a non-confrontational way.

Face Saving: Being sensitive to others when asserting

There are things that we should take note. For example, if there’s a negative or not-so-positive thing that I would like to share with someone, I would say it directly to the person rather than in a group setting.

A lot of this comes from the face-saving culture in Asia. Face saving is this concept when you do your best to preserve someone’s integrity. That means not causing embarrassment or making them feel shamed, where they would be “losing face.” It also includes situations where you call someone out on something that makes them look bad or you share negative feedback with them. I do all of these in private as much as possible, so one-to-one via email or in person as opposed to a group.

Example: How I deal with negative course participants

Sometimes in my courses — and this is really rare — but sometimes I have participants who are being strange or disruptive. Maybe they are giving a lot of strange comments or disrupting the flow of the course. Or perhaps making it difficult for other participants to concentrate or get the best value from the course.

I would not call them out in the open because this is not face-saving. The recipient may feel shamed or embarrassed; they may also feel shocked. It prevents them from being able to receive the message in the best way.

So what I do is, if there is such a situation happening, I would speak to that individual after the session to understand what’s going on. How is she or she feeling? Is there something troubling him/her? And so on. As opposed to openly calling out on the behavior in front of others because I don’t feel that that really solves anything.

This works well for me and it always achieves the best outcome. Because it allows me to better understand that individual on a personal level and to intervene and provide solutions on how this can be resolved.

So this is a win-win situation because:

• It doesn’t waste people’s time.
• It allows me to tend to the individual specifically.
• It also allows the individual to openly express him/herself without fear of judgment from others.

3) Use I-statements

My third tip is to use I-statements.

• I-statement refers to the speaker expressing his/her feelings and thoughts in a statement that starts with “I.”
• You-statement refers to statements that start with “You.” It focuses on the recipient, the person you are speaking to.

So, an example of a You-statement versus an I-statement. Let’s say someone is sharing feedback on a report.

• You-statement: “You wrote the report in such a confusing manner that is hard to understand it.”
• I-statement: “I found it hard to understand some parts of the report.”

Here’s a different example. Let’s say someone is sharing her thoughts with her partner.

• You-statement: “You have been neglecting me. You are spending too much time with your friends and your work.”
• I-statement: “I have been feeling neglected of late. I feel like we haven’t been spending much time together.”

Notice the difference between an I-statement versus a You-statement? Here there are three differences.

1. An I-statement is where you own the statement and opinion. A You-statement can sound accusatory especially if what you’re talking about isn’t so positive.
2. When you use an I-statement, you are sharing what you think and letting others decide what they want to do. As opposed to a You-statement where you impose your views on other people, such as, “You are doing this. You are doing that. You should do that.”
3. The third difference is really subtle. When you use an I-statement, you acknowledge that the issue may lie with us. It’s not about being submissive or assuming blame. It’s about being humble and open-minded enough to recognize that sometimes the issue can be due to how we see things — as with many things in life I’m sure.

So when you use an I-statement, the receiver is less likely to feel attacked or intimidated. Both of you can focus on the problem at hand.

Exercise to monitor your communications

I have an exercise for you. For this week,

1. Observe how you articulate yourself when you’re communicating with other people, be in e-mails or conversations.
2. Do you tend to use You-statements or I-statements?

I want to stress that there’s no problem with You-statements. In fact, You-statements are great for building a personal connection or for positive praise and feedback.

But let’s say there’s a conflict or problem. I-statements are more helpful because you are owning this feedback versus attacking the other person.

Example: Argument with your partner

Here’s another example of a You-statements versus an I-statement. Let’s assume that it’s a couple in conflict.

• You-statement: “You are so selfish. You are always doing what you want without regard for my needs. Sometimes I wish you can stop making so many demands and start thinking about me for the first time.”

Notice how accusatory and attacking it seems, even though you may just be expressing your true unfiltered emotions? Using You-statement in a conflict can seem very attacking even though what you’re really trying to do is to assert your boundaries and needs.

On the other hand, using an I-statement where you focus on sharing your emotions and your thoughts — it can sound something like this:

• I-statement: “I feel that you have been ignoring my needs since you changed to your new job and I feel upset about this. I find very hard to manage things by myself and I really try my best. I love you and I want to be there for you. I hope we can spend some time to talk about this when you’re free and work out some possible solutions.”

Here the focus shifts from attacking and accusing to simply expressing your emotions which include neglect, being overloaded, overworked, possibly feeling unloved, also the desire to seek help.

So the next time you need to assert yourself, be it in a conflict or workplace setting, how can you use the I-statement as opposed to the You-statement? Starting your statements with “I,” focusing on expressing your thoughts without attacking someone else or pushing blame to another.

4) Focus on the positive

My fourth tip is to focus on the positive. The intent of this tip is similar to the feedback sandwich method that I share in my article on constructive criticism. You can read that at personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/

You want to focus on the positive aspects of the situation while asserting yourself, as opposed to asserting in a negative way.

When you focus on the positive, it opens the conversation on a good note. It’s the same with I-statements. It’s to let the other person know that you are on their side and you’re not trying to attack them. Versus aggressiveness, one of the key differences with assertiveness is that with aggressiveness, you are just making yourself heard at all costs and you don’t necessarily care about that person. You may even end up attacking that person while making yourself heard.

Example: Being overloaded at work

Let’s say you are going through some heavy workload issues with very tight deadlines.

As opposed to talking your boss and saying things like “You’re giving me too much work” or “You’re not being reasonable,” we want to use the I-statement and articulate our views in a positive manner. An example could be:

“I’m really enjoying the work. I’ve been learning so much and I’m really grateful for the opportunities.

However, I’ve been having difficulty managing some of the tasks given the tight turnaround time. I was wondering if you could advise me on the priority areas in my workplan so I can work on them with priority. I’m really committed to giving my best at work. I appreciate any help and advice you can give and I look forward to your response.”

Notice that you’re not trying to sugarcoat. You are being honest. You are outlining the problem and being clear on the help you need.

Example: Difficult co-worker

Let’s take a look at a different example. Say you’re dealing with a co-worker who is not sending you stuff on time. Have you guys dealt with such people before?

A You-statement can sound like this:

• You-Statement: “You haven’t given me the report that I asked for. This is not the first time. You are always sending in stuff late and it’s disruptive for everyone. When can you send this to me?”

Notice here? It focuses on the negative, on the past track record of what the person did wrongly, and also frustration. Here’s how an I-statement that focuses on the positive can look:

• I-Statement: “I haven’t received the report for project ABC. Are you facing any trouble doing it? Is there any area that I can help you in? Let me know. We are here to support you. We do need to submit this by tomorrow latest. So let me know if there’s anything that we need to do to meet the deadline.”

Here, the difference is that you’re focusing on the positive parts. The things that can be done. That you are here to help. Rather than harping on the past, putting blame, or rebuking the person, which doesn’t really help the situation and may turn it into a defensive, accusatory, and angst-filled exchange.

Think about the exchanges that you have had with others and also moving forward as you talk to others. Think about how you can apply this and focus on the positive aspects. The positive things in this situation, the solutions, as opposed to focusing on the spilt milk, the irreversible things, or even fingerpointing and the faults of the person — which don’t really solve anything in the long run.

5) Understand and resolve

My last tip is to understand and resolve.

This is where the second big difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness comes in. If you remember, being assertive is where you voice your opinions and needs in a positive way and you work with the person to achieve a common goal. On the other hand, aggressiveness is when you’re bulldozing, making your point across without consideration of others’ opinions or needs or even attacking other people’s opinions and needs.

In this tip, you want to work with the other party to achieve this ideal outcome. To listen to what the other person feels, to work with them hand-in-hand to achieve a win-win as opposed to just saying, “I have this problem, go fix it” or “I have this problem. You are the reason why I have this problem.”

Let’s say you are team leader in a project. Actively involve your teammates by asking them for their opinions, getting feedback at regular intervals, listening to their viewpoints, and working with them to incorporate the key feedback into what you’re doing.

Let’s say it’s with a partner. You want to be listening to his/her point of view. Here you’ve already shared what you feel and that is your one-sided interpretation and viewpoint (which is important). After making yourself heard, you want to hear what he/she has to say, to understand things from his/her perspective and then you can work from there.

Or let’s say it’s with a friend. Maybe you have an issue with him/her. Maybe you feel that there are times when he/she isn’t being reasonable, neglects you, or doesn’t appreciate you. After articulating yourself, you want to hear what he/she has to say. Maybe he/she has certain difficulties or problems that you want to listen to.

Or even say it’s with a boss and you’re sharing about your workload issues or salary rise/negotiation or about your promotion. Then understand from your boss on the situation, on the what’s happening in the organization, on the areas he or she needs help in, limitations and so on. So that you can understand the role that you can play to achieve the best outcome for your boss and you.

I find questions or statements like,

• “What do you think?”
• “I want to know what’s on your mind.”
• “Your view is important. Let me know what you think.”
• “Our goal is X. How can we work together to make this happen?”

Statements like these open up this channel and conduit for the other party to share their views.

Think of it this way: We have been having problems asserting ourselves and through the tips in this podcast, we then learn to assert ourselves and make ourselves heard. But maybe there are other people who haven’t gotten through this mental block of asserting themselves. We can help out by inviting them to share their thoughts so that we can work together to achieve this common goal. So it is important to honor the other person’s boundaries just like you probably feel your boundary has been infringed when people ignore your opinions and your needs. Here you want to respect the other person’s boundaries too.

As with all communications and relationships, sometimes the solution may not come up in just one discussion. And that’s normal. This is where you keep discussing and keep the conversation open. You work together over time to find that best solution for both of you.

Closing Note

So we have come to the end of today’s podcast. I have some articles to supplement what I’ve shared in today’s podcast.

The first one is on how to choose your battles and win the big war. It’s about knowing when to speak up and when not to. In this podcast, I’ve shared tips on asserting yourself and speaking up. But there comes a time when it helps to speak up, and there are certain moments it helps to let things go and not pursue the matter. And you can read that at personalexcellence.co/blog/choose-your-battles/

I have another article on how to give constructive criticism. Some of the underlying principles and the tips apply when it comes to be assertive. You can read this article at personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/

Being assertive can be quite similar to saying no. So I’d like to direct you to my article on how to say no at personalexcellence.co/blog/say-no/

Each podcast takes a lot of work to create. If you have found this podcast helpful, I would truly appreciate if you can take a moment to leave a review and rating on iTunes at personalexcellence.co/itunes/. I would truly truly appreciate that.

So thank you so much for listening and I look forward to speaking to you guys next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• How To Handle Molestation: A Personal Encounter
• How to Choose Your Battles (and Win the Big War)
• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• How To Say No To Others [Podcast]
• How To Say No To Others

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Having been blogging/writing for 8 years, I’ve experienced times when I have a “writer’s block.” You know, when you desperately want to write something, but nothing comes out? When everything you write feels like crap. When you are already behind deadline in your to-dos but your mind isn’t cooperating.

I feel you. In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share 7 tips to break out of a writer’s block and get into the flow of writing. :) These tips apply not just for writing, but any form of work that involves creation: drawing, composing, podcasting, video creation, entrepreneurship, software development, etc. Learn

• 7 tips to address writer’s block
• The importance of your environment in writing/creating quality work [2:11]
• What to do when you have an article/topic that isn’t working out [8:33]
• What to do when you’re stuck when writing a chapter of a book [11:31]
• What “filling your tank” is and why you must always do it [14:20]
• What it means to have energy that is “murky” and how to have peak energy instead [15:55]
• The one sure way to stifle your creativity… yet everyone does it all the time! [19:00]
• Difference between (negative) comparison and benchmarking, and why the former is bad [20:44]
• Why 10-time Grammy Award Winner Adele’s music is so hugely successful [24:50]
• How I wrote some of the most popular series at PE [27:34]
• How mega companies like Airbnb and Whatsapp got founded [30:46]
• The increasing noise online and what to do about it [34:56]
• Why you need to make creating easy [37:54]
• One thing that was blocking me from creating in the past year and how I tackled it [37:54]

Addressing writer’s block shouldn’t be about “waiting for inspiration to strike” because inspiration may well never strike. By proactively modifying your environment, changing your mindset and changing your writing approach, you will find that prolific writing is something that can happen right away. This podcast will help you do that. :)

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

How To Overcome Writer’s Block

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

How To Overcome Writer’s Block [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 8. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

I hope you are having a fantastic day. I am actually back from Ubud, Bali. For those of you who have been reading PE, I was in Ubud for one month. Fantastic, amazing place. I shared about the whole place, my review, my travel, at PE and you can read my series at personalexcellence.co/blog/ubud/.

Today I want to talk about writer’s block. For some of you listening to this, perhaps you’re a writer or you’re a blogger, or you do some writing in your work, or maybe you just deal with creative output or content creation. Maybe you’re a podcaster, or you create videos, you compose music, you draw, any kind of output. I thought it would be great to do a topic on this because I have been writing for eight years. I started my blog in 2008. Through these eight years, I’m by no means an expert, but through these eight years, I have been through times when I feel blocked in my writing. I know that it can be a very painful experience when you just want to create but you can’t, and then you’re stuck there, trying to get things going, to write something, but nothing’s coming out.

I want to share several tips today that have worked for me. I hope you’ll find them useful. For these tips, I will largely use the example of writing but they are applicable to any scenario. Simply think of the tips in terms of what you’re creating.

1) Be in your flow environment

My first tip is to be in your flow environment. The concept of flow environment is something that I share in my Anti-Procrastination Program. It’s a term that I came up to refer to an environment where you can easily enter your state of flow and that supports you in entering that state of flow.

Flow here refers to a highly-energized, highly-inspired state where you’re in that zone of creating. A flow environment can differ from person to person because it depends on what inspires you to create. For me, my flow environment is tranquil, serene, has light, and gives me that personal space to get into this zone of writing. A huge bonus is if this environment is in a place of nature and I can be right in front of a forest or a garden where there is a lot of greenery. Just seeing all these, it helps me in creating very high consciousness content. That’s because being in nature, it helps me connect with the universe. To remember that there are all these different people out there, and to connect with them in terms of spirit and energy.

As opposed to, say I’m in a very constricted environment and there are a lot of noises, disruptions. It affects my writing in the sense that when I write, I write with no holds barred. I don’t have any barriers erected. What helps me write my best material is by not having any personal barriers, be it mental or emotional.

So if I’m in an environment where there’s a lot of noise or disruptions, this energy and stimulus will seep into my consciousness. This will naturally reflect in my writing. I may feel, okay, I [can] write quite a volume of material even in situations where there is a lot of disruptions. But then when I review it later on, I will feel that this material is not up to par. Maybe there are certain elements that are a bit fear-based, and this fear could be energy that’s derived from the environment that I was in.

So what really works for me is being in nature, being in a place where there’s tranquillity, it’s quiet, and it doesn’t feel congested or tight in terms of the aura. This is why I went to Ubud because I needed to get some peace and quiet away from congested Singapore. My month there turned out to be one of my most productive periods ever in the past few years. I was able to get a lot of material written. I was able to come out with new ideas on what I want to do next and think macro, think long term.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that you get a flight to a different place. I mean, if you can, that would be awesome, in that it helps you with your work, and [if] there’s going to be a very positive return for the costs incurred, then that’s going to be worth it. For me, it was really important that I can get into that state where I can create content for you guys. So, you guys are my number priority.

But let’s say that this is not possible. Then you can look at the area you live. Are there any places that are a fit for your flow environment? Your flow environment can be different from mine. But let’s say if your flow environment is nature as well, you can see if there are parks or quiet places or beaches where you can go to, where there are not so many people? Or let’s say in your own environment, how can you manipulate, tweak, change, your place into one where you can easily get into this state of flow?

The point here is to be aware of what induces you and gets you into this state of flow. And then, to make that happen in your reality such that you can easily get into the flow of writing and creating whenever you want to.

For example, Maya Angelo. Her flow environment is one where she’s by herself. She would often book a solo visit to a very small hotel room, in the middle of nowhere. Nobody knew where she was going, nobody knew where it was, and then she would stay in that hotel room, like the whole day, just writing, scribbling, on her own notepad. Then she would just get so much work written. This was how she wrote her books, some of which were best sellers. And that’s for her.

So different people can have different flow environments. The point here is you want to know what is your own flow environment and then, make it happen.

My questions to you:

• What is your flow environment?
• What helps you get into this state of flow?
• What is a place that would inspire you to create?
• What is a place where you just feel no restraints, no limitations, and you can easily write, create, compose, draw, whatever is the mode of creation that you use?

Then, think about how you can make this a part of your reality. Are there certain changes that you can make to where you live? Your lifestyle, anything you can do to make this a constant part of your world so that you can easily create from now on?

2) Move on if the topic isn’t working out

My second tip is to move on if the topic isn’t working out. I know that there can be times where you are writing something and it’s not just working out. It’s not working out because no matter how you try, there are no words coming out or at least whatever you’re writing they are just crap. Like they are just nonsense and not what you want.

I have experienced that countless times. What I’ve learned is that when you insist on writing something that just isn’t working out, like you have tried days and weeks to complete that material, and it’s not going anywhere, trying to press on becomes a tremendous waste of time.

Sometimes I have an article that I have tried to write for several days, if not weeks, and it’s just not going anywhere. I feel like I need to complete this article before I get to my other to-dos. Because I’ve spent days and weeks trying to write this, it makes me more frustrated and determined than ever to complete this piece of work. And I’ve found that it just doesn’t work out in the end. Maybe I can get that piece completed, but maybe that would take up another three weeks of my time.

Sometimes, if something is not going anywhere, then maybe it’s not just the right time. Of course, this is assuming that you can change the kind of output that you are creating. It’s not like you’re working for a newspaper column that insists that you must complete that topic by a certain deadline. So this is assuming that you can make that call to change topics.

So I have countless drafts in my WordPress dashboard. These drafts are topics that I have tried to cover and it wasn’t really going anywhere. Then, I decided to move on and try a different topic or something else that’s inspiring me or I feel excited to write about. When I do that, I get that vibe and inspiration to write this topic that I have put aside after a few months. When that happens, I will come back and continue that, or sometimes rewrite that entire thing because then I realized, Oh, the direction isn’t where I really wanted to go. That’s why I was stuck with it. When this happens, the completed article is so much better than whatever I had written before. Because there were new experiences that I gained along the way, like from writing some other material or doing some other things. This helped me write that article that I was stuck in.

So sometimes if something is not working out, maybe it’s not just the time to write it.

Let’s say you are writing a book. If you are writing a book, it’s a little bit different in that you can’t really be jumping from one book topic to the next, especially if you already have an agreement with a publisher. What I found is, when writing a book, if it’s a non-fiction book, you don’t need to write it in a linear manner. A book has many chapters. So you can jump from one chapter to the next if you’re not feeling the vibe for a particular chapter now.

This is what I did for my book, 10 Rules of Super Productive People. My first rule is about goal setting. Goal setting, this topic is so overdone in personal development. It was important for me to write it in the way that would resonate with all kinds of people, in all stages of their growth, be it whether they are a beginner or they are seasoned in personal growth. Because of that, I wrote that chapter last in the entire book. I completed other chapters first and this allowed me to get a better overall picture. By the time I moved back to rule number one, which is the first chapter, I was in this position where, Okay, I have a big-picture view of the book. I know how I can write this chapter in the best way that encompasses all the other things that I’ve written.

So here it’s about recognizing that creativity comes from setting as few limits as possible, if not no limits at all. When you try to erect barriers like insisting you must do this and you must do that by this deadline etc., you are setting a lot of barriers for your creative energy to flow. You make it very hard to tap into your true spirit, your own inner energy, and to enter your flow zone, when you’re putting all these guidelines on what you should do, what you must do.

I recommend allowing yourself to have free reign. Allowing yourself to move from topic to topic, to experiment different things, to recognize that sometimes there can just be ideas that you try for a while and if they don’t fit with you, it’s totally okay to move on to something else. That’s fine. That’s part of creativity. There can be things that you embark on that don’t work out, and this is the part and parcel of the process. Along the way, even if you try something and you don’t continue on with it, you actually learn. It all helps you when you create that next piece of material later on.

3) Recharge yourself

My third tip is to recharge yourself. Recharging yourself means honoring yourself. Honoring your needs, making an effort to ensure that your tank is always full. What do I mean by that?

Here, “tank” refers to your energy tank. Let’s say you’re driving a car. A car would have a petrol tank. What happens when you try to drive your car with an empty petrol tank? Can the car move? Of course not, right? The car is only going to be stuck there while you try desperately to try to maneuver the car and then press on the pedal and accelerator and so on.

That’s because there’s no fuel in the tank, there’s no petrol at all. Here it’s the same thing in that we have an energy tank too. This energy tank is what allows us to get by our daily activities, to create output, to get things done. When we have an energy tank that’s constantly low if not zero, we won’t have that ability to do things. We can still force ourselves to get things done but the output may be really low quality.

This is especially important when you’re a creative and creating content. If you are coming from a place where you have lousy, low-level energy, that’s constantly murky — murky because you’re not honoring your needs and you’re doing things that you dislike — that is going to translate into your material.

So here it is important that you honor your needs. Know what are your desires, your preferences, your boundaries, the things you like to do, things that motivate you and inspire you so that you can constantly work on these things and fill up your tank and recharge yourself. This means not pushing yourself to work when you feel very drained, not forcing yourself to embark on projects that you don’t like or you hate, not forcing yourself to do things that you absolutely dislike.

This is different from knowing there are times when you need to do the hard things that may not feel comfortable but are necessary to help you grow. The point here is to work on honoring yourself and your needs so that you’re not walking around with some empty tank and that is going to affect your ability to get things done.

I shared in my How To Say No podcast that I had such a hard time learning to say no and I kept saying yes to every single thing. That just deprived myself of my needs and preferences, like having the space to do the things that I want. In the end, that made me so miserable. This is precisely an example where I failed to recognize my needs and to recharge myself and to fill up my tank. So that was a tremendous learning point.

Subsequently, when I learned to say no, and I shared these tips in my How To Say No podcast, that was the start of me learning to recharge myself and to fill up my tank, which allowed me to get into that flow state, and to do what I love which is creating material for you guys, connecting with you guys, and helping you to grow and be your highest and best self.

So think about it.

• What inspires you?
• What energizes you?
• What motivates you to keep going?
• What do you love doing?

Work on these things. These are what I call the 1-Ups in my Anti-Procrastination Program. When you surround yourself with these 1-Ups, you’ll find that your energy level becomes higher. On the other hand, you want to get rid of the things that drain you, so that you can preserve your energy and use them in the things that matter.

4) Avoid comparing yourself with other creators

My fourth tip is to avoid comparing yourself with other creators. It is so easy and convenient for people to compare themselves with others. It doesn’t matter what field you’re in.

• Maybe you’re a YouTuber and you create videos. It’s easy to compare with those top YouTubers, and just thinking, Wow, they have so many views per video! Why don’t I have these many views or subscribers?
• Or, it could be blogging and you’re looking at other bloggers. Or say you’re a coach and you are looking at other coaches with these professionally-looking websites, where they have this huge team helping them and doing all these different things for them, and everything looks so flashy and fancy.
• Or, maybe you could be an artist and you look at all those professional artists with their professionally produced artwork. They even have accolades and so on.

So whatever domain you’re in, there will always be people who are supposedly the top players in the field. They could be getting a lot of recognition and a lot of views, a lot of popularity. When you look at them, maybe you feel discouraged. Discouraged because maybe you see a gap between the quality of what you’re creating and what they are creating. Discouraged maybe you’re seeing they have so many viewers or readers, so much recognition, popularity, and you feel you have none of that.

Here, it’s important to stop comparing yourself with these people. There’s a difference between comparison and benchmarking.

Benchmarking is seeing what others are doing to get positive ideas to help you create, become better, and to improve.

Comparing, specifically negative comparison, is when you are just looking at other people and from these comparisons with others, you feel negative about yourself. That prevents you from being able to create, to be productive, to continue with your work. This is what I call negative comparison.

You want to stop doing that because creativity, true creativity, is formless. It doesn’t come in an explicit shape, size, manner, or style. When you compare yourself with other people, you box your own style, energy, ideas, and creativity into this box. This box could be whatever other people have defined for themselves (whoever these other creators are).

So when you compare, that is just putting a lid on your own creative energy. Recognize that everybody is different. All of us have our own unique energy, idea, and spirit, that is up to us to express in whatever way we want. By constantly looking outwards at what other people are doing, we are sort of tainting our creative spirit and molding ourselves such that our material becomes more like other people.

Now, this (comparing) naturally becomes a discouraging activity because deep down, our own creative spirit, our own inner self, knows there is this thing that we want to do in our unique way. If we are constantly looking, Okay how can we do this in that way that person is doing, more of out of obligation and fear than inspiration, naturally you start to become a copy of what others are doing, and you lose your natural flair and energy.

This is where I want to share this quote by Albert Einstein: “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” We don’t compare a fish with a squirrel and then ask the fish why it’s not climbing, right? Because a fish is born to swim! Its natural talents and abilities are to swim. Maybe there is a unique species of fish out there that can climb a tree that we haven’t discovered yet, but the point is that every organism, every being, is different.

It’s the same for you and me, all of us. We have our own unique talents that are just special. It is up to us to harness that and unleash it in the way that is unique to us. So, not compare yourself with others, very important. I think you will find that when you start focusing on yourself, how you want to express your ideas, how you want to deliver your ideas to your audience and the people that you are serving, you will find that you start getting into that flow, and you start becoming excited, again, about what you are doing.

I share more about how to stop comparing and you can check out my guide at personalexcellence.co/blog/comparing/

5) Do what resonates with you now

My fifth tip is to write what resonates with you now. Some of you may have read interviews of very famous musicians, singers, songwriters, who talked about how one of their songs or their albums has been inspired by a particular stage in their life. Those songs and albums would be some of the best selling material of that time.

Adele, Award-Winning Artist

An example would be Adele who is one of the most prominent singers of all time. She has won ten Grammys (as of 2016) and is one of the two singers, besides Beyonce, to win six Grammys in just one night. Adele’s songs and albums have actually been inspired by what she went through at a particular stage in her life. For example,

• Her first album 19 is based on the experiences she had between when she was 18 and 19 years old, particularly about love when she was with an ex-boyfriend. The songs were being about being cheated on, not getting what you want, and so on. So it was a sad album. But the album went on to become a commercial and critical success.
• Then, she released her second album 21 which is based on her experiences at that age, and it explored themes of anger, revenge, heartbreak, self-examination, forgiveness.
• And then, her latest album 25 would be her experiences at that stage of life, and it reflects what she was going through, that frame of mind she was in, including yearning for her old self, nostalgia, melancholia, and so on.

These albums were all based on her experiences then. It wasn’t like she trying to pretend to be someone else or she was creating a material because she thinks this is what people would want to see her do. Rather, all these were based on true experiences, true emotions and feelings. That’s what allowed her to be so authentic in those songs. I believe this is why it resonated so strongly with people, and all her three albums have been critical and commercial hits.

So when it comes to creative work, know what resonates with you. Because as a creator, you need to know your inner muse. You need to know yourself, first and foremost, to create great material. Instead of forcing yourself to create things of a particular topic or create work that looks a certain way because you think this is what people want to see, start by focusing on what resonates with you first.

Some of the Most Popular Articles on PE

For example, one of the most popular series on PE would be my fasting series. This series based on my 21-day fast back in 2011 where I didn’t eat anything, I didn’t drink anything, and I just documented my experiences, how I felt, my revelations, and so on. After that, I followed up on that series with my review of my 21-day fast and tips for fasting success.

Now, what led me to write about that series or embark on the fasting experience? It wasn’t because I knew or thought that fasting would be popular. The thing is you wouldn’t know what is popular until you have written something and then you see the results for yourself.

Rather, I was just randomly reading online and I came to know about fasting and how it is possible for the human body to survive without eating any food at all. I was really amazed by that because I was raised in this society and culture where you’re conditioned to think that you need to eat every single day or you’ll just die. So that was my conditioning when I was young. So I was really amazed by the fact that it’s possible to survive without food. Then, I read up very thoroughly on the subject and realized that there are just so many other benefits to fasting. As someone who is passionate about growth, I just wanted to embark on it as an experiment, just to see how it is for myself.

And then I thought, Since I’m doing so much research and since I’m really going in deep and I want to do it for 21 days, why not share the experience with others? As opposed to trying to write on some other topics at that point, it is best to share my experiences live as I’m going through it. And the series turned out to be one of the most popular series.

I have another series, which is my soulmate series, and it’s about how I found my soulmate. There I share my experiences of love, of how I met Ken my husband, and just how we got together, and how we eventually got married and everything. Because at that point, I was going to get married. So I thought it would be nice to reflect on my love journey before I walk into the stage of marriage. This turned out to be again, another one of the most popular series on PE. Because I guess, many people like to learn about love stories and how people come to know each other which is something that I’m very passionate about myself.

The same for many of my articles. Oftentimes, I write about a particular topic because this is resonating with me now. Because if I’m experiencing this issue or problem, or I’ve found the solution to overcome the situation, I am sure there would be tons of people going through this problem and they would benefit from the solution.

So notice here it is about tapping into what’s resonating with you now. When you are working on something that is resonating with you, it could be a problem or an issue that you’re going through now, that becomes so much easier [to create].

How Airbnb and Whatsapp Started

It applies even to entrepreneurship. For example, Airbnb. It is a hugely popular site that helps people find lodging, be it a simple one-room apartment or an entire apartment rental, Airbnb can do that for you. So Airbnb is making hotels have a run for their money.

How did the idea of Airbnb come about? It came about from the two co-founders who went through this problem of not having rent, to pay for their lodging in San Francisco. They thought, Why don’t we rent out our living room to some guests and provide them with a bed and some breakfast and then earn some money out of that?

So they did that. They had three guests and then they earned some money which then helped pay for the rent. That got them thinking, Hey, maybe there is some market for this. If we are in this situation, surely other people are in this situation and they have some spare capacity in their homes that they can rent out for some money. And they did that. Of course, that were trials and tribulations but Airbnb is hugely successful now and it’s pretty much the go-to place when people are going on holidays and they are looking for accommodation of a certain high quality and doesn’t have to be expensive like hotels.

Another example would be WhatsApp. Personally, I don’t use WhatsApp and I really dislike it because I think it’s very invasive. But it is one of the top communication apps today besides the Facebook Messenger. It is very useful because you can make calls be it locally or overseas without having to pay for roaming fees because it uses internet for the calls as well as the messages.

So how did the idea for WhatsApp come about? Well, the founder, Jan Koum, he was inspired to create WhatsApp after having lived on welfare when he was young. He went through days when he and his Mom, they couldn’t afford to call his dad in Ukraine. This is very simple but real problem which I’m sure many of us experienced years ago before all these communication, technology came about, when we wanted to call someone overseas, but then there would be all those expensive fees and we had to limit our communication.

The point here is that when it comes to creativity and creation, it doesn’t have to be complex. It can be just something that you’re going through now like a problem, a situation that you’re experiencing or an insight that you’re having now, and using that as a source of inspiration. It can be very powerful as opposed to trying to crack our brains to think, What is it that would be so powerful, so awesome that would be life changing for everybody?

Of course, this thinking is important. But if this thinking is causing you to be in this rut, where you can’t create anything or you’re stuck in your writing or podcasting or video creation or songwriting, that’s not helping you at all. So think about it:

1. What is something that you’re experiencing now? What is a problem that you’re going through? What is an insight that you just gained in the past week or weeks?
2. How can you incorporate this into whatever you’re working on now? How can you create material that resonates with you, that really connects with you?

Use this to inspire you to create new things. You’ll find that material that’s created this way is so much easier and intuitive, even effortless, as opposed to trying to force yourself to work towards a particular direction, when it may not connect with you.

6) Focus on the audience you are writing for

My sixth tip is to focus on the audience you are writing for. With the internet these days, there’s just so much noise. This noise can be just random chatter that is inconsequential or it can be criticism, negative criticism, everybody having an opinion, a negative opinion, and feeling like they need to make that heard. So this is different from constructive criticism.

I have an article on PE about empty vessels. This article is about how the times when we feel very conflicted or bothered by certain comments that people give. And then we change our existence and revolve it around all these critiques we get. It comes to a point where we can feel very bogged down, flustered. We feel like we need to change everything just to make certain people happy. In that article, I share that, sure, there will always be people who have certain loud comments that are critical. It’s important to remember that these comments reflect a very small minority of the population. Just because these comments are articulated, they are loud, and maybe they are even hurtful, it doesn’t mean that they are the most important comments that you need to prioritize.

So if you have been receiving critique, negative critique, maybe from your co-workers or friends even, and if you have an audience, from your own audience or maybe from certain clientele or dissatisfied clientele, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their opinions represent everybody’s opinions. Rather, focus on the audience you are creating, writing for. If you don’t have an audience yet, like maybe you are just starting in your path of writing, composing, or business, whatever is the work that you’re doing, imagine:

1. Who do you want to create for? Who is this person?
2. What are the problems that he/she is facing?

Focus on these people because these are the people who need you. These are the people you are creating and for, and it doesn’t make sense to clutter yourself with all the other noises when those people are not even who you want to reach out to. Think about who is your audience. Then, when you’re creating that piece of work, have them in your mind and use them as your inspiration as you are creating that material.

7) Make it easy

My seventh tip is to make it easy. It shouldn’t be difficult. Especially when this is something that you have to do regularly. If you feel like this is so tremendously difficult and you have to push yourself to do it every day, something is wrong. If you have to push yourself to write a blog article, every day, then something is wrong.

Because the writing itself — it’s not like it should be peachy easy like ABC. Of course, there would be certain barriers that you have to go through, like for example perfecting/improving your writing skills, and so on. There should be obstacles. But if it is so incredibly difficult that it is a painful process each day, then something is probably wrong. You need to review your process and see whether there are certain fundamental issues making it difficult for you to create.

So for me, in the past period, I’ve been feeling pretty blocked in my writing. After I dug into it, I realized there were two big things.

One thing was my environment was off, it wasn’t helping me in terms of creating. That’s when I went to Ubud and I got the inspiration to create. I’m also now evaluating with Ken, if we can make certain changes to help me create prolifically.

The second thing was… PE’s articles, every article is sent via newsletter. Because every single piece of content is sent out via newsletter, which is in email format, I realized that I was hesitating publishing content. I became really specific about how often I should send out a newsletter, when I should create new content, and so on, because I’m worried about sending out too many emails and potentially overwhelming my subscribers. That just messed up my whole creative process.

What I should be doing is to prioritize the creation process. So it means, if I want to publish a new article on PE every day, go ahead. If I want to publish every other day, go ahead. Now of course, on the other hand, it’s important that I do not flood my subscriber’s emails. Something I’m considering is to only send out specific pieces of content via newsletters. And then maybe send out a summary digest like once a week. That would solve my concern of not flooding users’ emails.

Here what I’m doing is simplifying my thought process regarding creation. First and foremost, writing for the blog. For the newsletter, I can set up that separate process. That really helps me because now I can focus on the key thing, which is my audience, the people reading PE. What they are looking for, how I can help them, and so on.

So for you, think about your creation process.

1. Do you find it extremely difficult to create?
2. If that’s the case, ask yourself, why? Why is it so difficult?
3. How can you approach content creation such that you are able to easily create quality material on a weekly basis or even a near daily basis?

Maybe this requires you to re-work how you’re doing things. The point is to make it easy. Make it as easy as possible such that it’s easy for you to do it and to want to keep doing it.

Let’s say you’re creating a video and you are doing so much editing work that it makes you not want to create anything at all. If that’s the case, maybe the solution is to cut down on editing. Record your videos in the way where editing is very minimal. Or, work with someone else in the editing so you can be just recording and then there could be someone who helps you edit and then both of you can work together.

So questions to ask yourself: Are you overcomplicating the creation process? And can you make it easy?

Complicating processes is something that perfectionists are so good at doing. If you feel like you are a perfectionist, well, I have a perfectionism series, How To Overcome Perfectionism, and it’s a three-part series that you can check out at personalexcellence.co/blog/perfectionism/. There I share signs to tell if you are a perfectionist, the downsides of perfectionism, as well as eight crucial tips to overcome perfectionism.

Closing Note

So we have come to the end of today’s podcast. I hope you have found it useful.

Think about how you can apply these tips to help address your writer’s block. I know it can be really tough when you are going through a writer’s block as I have been there myself too. As long as you work on removing the barriers that are preventing your inspiration from emerging and to tap into what inspires and excites you, it becomes easier and easier to get into the flow of things. And each writer’s block that you experience, it really helps you understand yourself more. It helps you become better at your craft and your work. It helps you in your creative journey as you move ahead.

So don’t be discouraged. Know that it’s normal to have writer’s block. I have that myself, too. I hope you can break out of this funk and this rut soon.

If you found today’s podcast helpful, I would really appreciate it if you can leave a review and rating on iTunes. Every single review means a lot to me and it really helps others know about the podcast.

So thank you so much and I look forward to talking with you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• Anti-Procrastination Course [PE Course]
• How To Say No To Others [Podcast]
• Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself With Others (And 3 Steps To Do So)
• My 21-Day Fasting Experiment
• How To Find Your Soulmate (series)
• How World Icons Got their Ideas and Inspiration [Infographic]
• Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise
• How To Overcome Perfectionism (series)
• Why I Got Depressed Writing My Book: Your Guide Through Development Hell

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Have you heard of the term “magic bullet”? It refers to a powerful and easy solution to a difficult problem, i.e. that secret sauce. You see it in marketing claims:

• “Earn $10,000/month with just X hours of work!”
• “See how I gained XXXX subscribers in just X weeks!”
• “Lose Xkg in 4 weeks!”

Yet, do magic bullets exist? Are there really easy solutions to our goals and pains? Not quite, and I’ll explain why.

Online Business

Let’s look at some common claims by gurus who run courses on how to start an online business:

• “Look at how I made $XXXX by sending one email“
• “Build your 6-figure online business with just X hours of work per week”
• “This ONE secret method helped me gain 20,000 visitors in ONE week“
• “Look at how I’m earning $XXXX while touring Thailand“

While these gurus seem to suggest that it’s possible to achieve their results with a few easy steps, the reality is that it’s not true. Here’s why:

1. “Look at how I made $XXXX by sending one email” — Earning money online is not from sending one email, but from the years that you spend building your audience and developing a relationship with them. When you have no audience, you have no sales to speak of. Even if you have an audience, it doesn’t mean that these people will believe what you say or buy from you. You need to build trust which takes time, and you need to show that you have expertise in what you’re teaching.
2. “Build your 6-figure online business with just X hours of work per week” — How many people actually succeed online? Very few. 9 out of 10 startups fail^[1], and this number is even higher for blogs. A survey of 1,000 bloggers revealed that 81% don’t even make $100 from blogging.^[2] According to the survey, only 2% spend less than 2 hours a day blogging while making more than $150K a year. Having been in the industry for over 10 years, I can tell you that the actual figure is more like 0.01% today as the market is extremely saturated. Out of those who “succeed” in the sense of earning massive wealth, many simply make money from selling products on how to make money online. Meaning, getting rich by selling the idea of getting rich.
3. “This ONE secret method helped me gain 20,000 visitors in ONE week” — It’s one thing to get traffic spikes. It’s another to get high traffic that sustains. Years of building an online platform has taught me that traffic spikes mean nothing when they don’t sustain. Incidentally, many of these blog sites that boast about their traffic growth never show the same stats 1, 3, or 12 months down the road.
   
4. “Look at how I’m earning $XXXX while touring Thailand” — See my reply to #2. Interestingly, the people boasting about living the free and high life are usually trying to sell you some three-to-four figure course on how to achieve financial freedom by starting your online business. As I shared in #2, only a tiny percentage of folks ever achieve this outcome and many of these folks get rich by selling the idea of getting rich, which itself is like a ponzi scheme (only those at the top will walk away rich).

There’s also the question of whether the people in question have really achieved these results, or continue to achieve such results. Because the industry is unregulated, effectively anyone can make any sort of claims they want, and get away with it, while creating the illusion of success (which then drives sales and gets them more business).

Slimming, Weight Loss

In the slimming industry, magic bullet claims are common as well. In Singapore, you often see slimming ads everywhere. Some are even endorsed by celebrities, suggesting great credibility.

Yet, how many of these claims are true? I can’t speak for all of them, but when you look deeper, it’s clear that many of these claims are problematic.

Firstly, even though these slimming companies try to sell their machine therapy/treatments, their “treatments” inevitably require you to go on a very strict diet like not eating after Xpm, cutting out carbs, avoiding X and Y food, and so on. While it’s naive to think that weight loss can happen without addressing your diet, what role does their supposedly patented services (machine-aided therapy or whatever) actually play in the actual weight loss, beyond aesthetic firming? How much of the weight lost is really due to the treatment and how much is due to diet? You decide.

Secondly, a large weight loss in a very short amount of time is usually driven by water loss, not fat loss. The best example is when I did my 21-day fast in 2011: I didn’t eat anything for 21 days, yet my weight loss wasn’t the same throughout this period. Guess when I lost the most weight? If you say the first few days, you are right.

During the first 5 days, I lost the most weight which is 4.8 kg (10.6 lbs). For the 2+ weeks after that, I lost my weight at a constant rate of 0.2–0.3kg (4.4–6.6lbs) a day, in line with my calorie deficit. My fast ended on Day 21. Read: My Fasting Series

Why such a large loss at first? That’s because my body was using my glycogen (stored food reserves) due to my calorie deficit, and consequently the water bonded to it. Every unit of glycogen is bonded to 3-4 units of water. If you have 1 kg of glycogen, you automatically lose 3-4 kg of water with that.^[3] That’s 4-5kg of weight lost in total, which is huge. That’s why rapid losses at the beginning of any weight loss effort is very normal — it happens to everyone, and there’s nothing “magical” about that.

Thirdly and very importantly, most slimming treatments do not tackle the emotional reasons of weight gain. Reasons like emotional eating, poor stress coping mechanisms, and unresolved issues manifesting as excess physical weight. As a result, even when one does lose weight on these programs, many put it back on later, and in spades.

Suddenly, it’s clear that it’s not about how fast one loses weight, but how one loses and keeps it off. Without tackling the root causes, one can go through yo-go weight loss all their life and not get anywhere with their efforts.

Beauty Industry

Last but not least, let’s look at the beauty industry. An industry where flawless transformations and fast effects of skin care and hair care products are the norm, where flawless displays of beauty are everywhere.

But how much of this is true? First, there’s a big question of whether we should even pursue the beauty standards pushed onto us by the beauty industry and whether these standards reflect the true nature of beauty. (Answer: They don’t. Read: The Beauty of Self)

Secondly, what you see in ads is always touched up, including food advertisements. I shared the Dove Evolution commercial before which reveals the heavy makeup and retouching that happen for many beauty commercials today. No doubt beauty products have some benefits like making your hair smoother and hydrating your skin, but do they actually achieve the kind of effect seen in ads? You decide.

Once I interviewed an aesthetics doctor for my YouTube channel (the interview was unfortunately not published due to audio issues), who told me that many beauty clinics photoshop their before/after pictures to make their treatments seem impressive. An aesthetics doctor is someone who does aesthetics treatments like botox, fillers, and liposuction. Photoshopping of such treatment pics is clearly unethical. Because of that, he gets patients who have unrealistic expectations, wanting results that aren’t possible from the treatment alone. For sales-hungry doctors, they don’t care — they just take the patient’s money and do the treatment, and let him/her deal with the consequences later on.

This Yahoo! article shares some horror stories surrounding the beauty industry in Singapore which I recommend you check out. These can happen to you too if the beauty industry is unregulated in your country.

Endnote

So what does it mean?

I believe in the 80/20 way, which is to focus on 20% high-impact actions to achieve maximum results in the shortest time. I apply the 80/20 principle in my life. I analyze and adopt strategies to grow my business effectively. I focus on relationships that give me the most emotional reward: my family, best friends, and you. I adopt eating habits that gives me the most health rewards: including drinking water or fresh juices over soda or sugared drinks, cutting down fried/oily foods, and eating a whole-food, nutrient-dense diet.

But magic bullets, which are easy ways out of a difficult problem or easy tickets to success, really don’t exist. At the end of the day you still need to put in the hard work and time to achieve your desired results. Until you do, change can never happen.

I find that when someone is looking for a magic bullet, especially with much urgency, it’s because they are at their wits’ end. That happens because they’ve tried whatever they could to achieve a goal but failed anyway.

If so, it helps to understand what’s going on. Why are you looking for a magic bullet? What went wrong? Why are you in such an urgent need to achieve this goal? Doing so will usually reveal fundamentals that aren’t there and a misplaced need to achieve the goal. For example:

• Someone who is desperate to lose massive weight right away — the real issue could be lack of self-love and intense self-hate for her body.
• Someone who wants to make big bucks right away with his new online business — the real issue could be a lack of financial planning and fear about his future.
• Someone who wants to make a lot of money quickly, despite being in heavy debt — the real issue could be poor financial habits and an attachment to material wealth as a basis of self-worth.

In such cases, the real way forward is to address the root issues — not to distract yourself with magic bullets. For example, to work on loving yourself and having a positive body image rather than try to lose weight quickly through fasting or unhealthy slimming treatments. To plan and map out your finances, along with your future, rather than jump headfirst into starting a business and expecting quick success. To address negative money beliefs and build good money habits rather than take fluffy financial courses to earn quick money.

Real results and change take time. Just like nurturing a great relationship or cultivating a friendship, it takes time to find your way around a goal and achieve success.

And it’s okay. It’s okay to be slow. It’s okay to take your time with things. It’s okay to fall behind the curve sometimes. Rather than rush, subject yourself to obscene standards, and pursue certain results at the expense of everything, I rather you take your time to figure things out and work on being the best you, at your own pace and time, while not being complacent about things. There’s little sense in pushing for artificially forced results with little regard of the big picture, not unlike stretching a plant with your bare hands so that it can grow taller faster. It’s counteractive, self-damaging, and unproductive.

The faster you stop looking for a magic bullet to your goals, the faster you can be on your way to being your best you and live your highest life.

On the surface, it may look like you are taking a detour. Why slow down when you want to move fast, super fast? But trust me, what you are doing is in fact the fastest path to achieve your goals.

My articles will help. I’ve grouped my articles into key categories, so browse the section relevant to you now: be it improving your productivity, pursuing your passion, finding love, or something else.

By the way, the internet today is rife with ads and courses claiming to help you get rich, earn passive income, start an online business, lose weight, and [insert some magical goal]. Practice discernment. Most of these courses do little to help you succeed, and often end up leading you in circles. With online business courses, online success is much harder than it looks, and many trainers get rich from creating an illusion of success and teaching people how to get rich or start a business. I share more here: 5 Harsh Truths About Blogging (And 6 Tips to Start an Online Business) [Podcast] and Never Work Again Seminar (review).

The next time someone tries to pitch a magic bullet claim to you, remember: you know better than to jump onto it. Work on the fundamentals, and you will get to your goal in time. And this is, in reality, the fastest way to get to where you want.

Do you hate to say no? Do you often find yourself saying yes because you don’t like to make others feel bad?

Well, I do, and I can relate. I used to be terrible at saying no until I realized that continually saying “yes” was digging myself into a ditch and led me with little time for my personal goals and relationships.

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share 6 tips to say no that I’ve been applying, along with personal examples:

• Tip #1: Know what you want to say yes to [00:57]
• Tip #2: Know that saying no is okay [04:43]
• Tip #3: Many little yeses to irrelevant things, or mildly relevant things, even if small, can deviate you from your main goal [08:26]
• Tip #4: Be honest about it [13:22]
• Tip #5: Give alternatives (if you like) [19:04]
• Tip #6: Do a life audit if you’re getting a high noise signal [20:04]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

How To Say No To Others

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

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How To Say No [Transcript]

Welcome to the Personal Excellence Podcast, the show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 6. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co. Today’s topic really hits home for me. It’s about how to say no.

I don’t know about you, but I used to be really bad at saying no. In a way I still am. But I’ve learned to be a lot better at it. If you are someone who has difficulty saying no, today I want to share with you six tips that have worked really well for me and I hope you’ll find them helpful.

1) Know what is it you want to say yes to

My tip number one is to know what you want to say yes to. For me, when I just focus on learning how to say no as an action in itself, it becomes a hollow quest. Because my default self is to help people. I like to agree to requests as much as I can. And I like to be there for other people.

Obviously, this has its own implications. After countless situations where I just kept saying yes, yes, yes to every single person, request, and favor, I just didn’t have any time for myself, for my goals.

On the other hand, when I focus on the things that I want to say yes to, meaning my biggest goals and dreams, my Quadrant 2 projects, this helps me define this clear vision of the real big priorities in my life. Let’s say I don’t have this clear vision. Everything can simply be important. Yet, when framed into the context where we all have limited time on Earth, we all have certain ambitions to realize within our lifetime, then it becomes clear that we need to prioritize the things that we say yes to, and hence no to the other things.

For me, what I want to say yes to would be PE. All of you guys. Growing it, creating more content for you guys, creating more great courses. Just being there for all of you, through my content. And of course, my loved ones, my family members. And my own personal growth and health. These would be the biggest rocks I wish to say yes to. So these priorities will never change. They will just be there, till the day I die.

Knowing these key big rocks puts into context the things I should say yes to, and the things I should say no to. For example, let’s say someone may be asking for a favor or pitching a proposal or an idea that is not a good fit for my business. Then letting it drag on will not help my Quadrant 2 goals, and in fact, waste the other person’s time. It’s clear that I need to say no to the distractions, the things that deviate me from my mission, as well as time for my loved ones, my personal health, and sanity.

So my question to you is:

1. What do you want to say yes to?
2. What are your biggest goals and dreams?
3. What are your personal ambitions?

By having this clear idea in your mind, it helps you become more aware that — some of the things that you have been having difficulty saying no to? These are probably things that you need to say no to. By dragging on and saying yes to things that you may not be 100% committed to or passionate about, that’s not really helping you realize your highest goals and dreams.

2) Saying no is okay

My tip number two is to know that saying no is OK.

In the past, I felt that when I say no, I would be regarded as an asshole. That people would hate me. That I would just be seen as being ungenuine, just not being true to my mission. I didn’t want that because I just truly from the bottom of my heart want to be there for everybody as much as possible.

So I just kept saying yes to every single request, favor, that came along my way. In the end, even with giving up my own sleep and just working around the clock, I still did not have time for the goals that I wish to pursue, my own priorities, and my loved ones, and much less my health.

So I learned the hard way that saying no, not only is it OK, but it is very much necessary. For such a long time, I just tried so hard and tried my best not to say no to people. Because I felt that it wasn’t OK. But I learned that hard and painful way that this isn’t true and saying no is okay, and in fact necessary in many circumstances.

What I’ve learned from this episode is that when you say no, it doesn’t mean that you are being rude or you’re not being true. If anything, when you say no to something that you are not 100% committed to, and you’re really just saying yes because you’re afraid to say no? That is when you are not being true. You’re not being true to yourself and you’re not being true to that person you are saying yes to. Because you do not feel 100% committed to that cause or request or favor, whatever the other party is requesting.

Being true means that you are being honest and authentic in terms of how you feel. If it’s a no-go, or you don’t feel like it’s something you can say yes to, then just be honest about that. That is what it means to be truthful. You can’t expect everybody’s question or requests would always be 100% aligned with your own needs and expectations. Many times, they are just not going to be. This is especially so if you are in a position where you often get people pitching things to you, where people want your time and attention, or maybe you are a consultant that people would like your advice. You would probably find yourself in situations where there are things that are not aligned with your own priorities and needs, and you have to say no to.

When that happens, this is 100% okay and normal. You shouldn’t feel that you are an asshole, or that you are a negative person, or that you are in the wrong because that is not true at all. People say no all the time in this world, be in relationships or in business. Saying no is needed to let other people know that this is not aligned, this is not working out. Then they can move on to find the right person that would be a good fit for whatever they are requesting about.

3) Many little yeses to irrelevant things can deviate you

My tip number three is to know that many little yeses to irrelevant things, or mildly irrelevant things — even if these things are small, they can ultimately still deviate you from your main goal.

This is also something that I had to realize for myself. I always try to accommodate other people’s needs. I always want to make sure that everyone is happy, and there are no conflicts and so on.

So that means that oftentimes in the past, I would want to say yes. Sometimes when it’s a very clear-cut situation where it’s about saying no, I just say no. But then there are the situations where it is just something that requires a very small amount of your time. 30 minutes, two hours, one hour, whatever. It is just a small commitment of your time, and then you would be thinking, Yeah why not?

So doing that, I ended up saying yes to so many things. It could be a favor, a request, an invitation to something, an interview with X publication, meetups, and so on. Like everything! I just kept saying yes because I’d be thinking, Yeah why not? This looks like something I can allocate a couple of hours to. And I just genuinely wanted to be there for each and everybody who contacted me.

But after years of doing that, my agenda became flooded with people’s requests, wants, and needs. Even though each request would take maybe 30 minutes, an hour or two or three, when added together, it became a huge load on myself. It got to a point where I was going crazy. I would be staying up late every day, replying to emails or fulfilling certain things that I had agreed to in the past. And because I always wanted to put my best foot forward — I don’t believe in agreeing to something and then just doing it shabbily. I always feel like if I’m agreeing to something, I want to put my best foot forward to that. And I did. So Ken would be seeing me sleeping so late every day, and he would always be expressing concern. I realized that I really need to be more watchful in how I allocate my time because we don’t have unlimited time on Earth.

This tip is really about being discerning of the things that you say yes to. Because even if it’s just one small thing that seems mildly relevant and takes a little bit of your time, when you say yes to a lot of these things, ultimately you will get deviated very far from your main goal.

During this whole period where I just kept saying “Yes” and “Why not?” to all of the little things that were mildly relevant or that I thought I could offer a bit of my time to, this resulted in me neglecting my overall Quadrant 2 goals for PE, be it content creation, article writing, and so on. That just made me feel miserable because in trying to say yes to every single little thing that was mildly irrelevant, in the end, I ended up saying no to this huge thing which is so crucial to me and impacts so many people on a large scale.

This links back to tip number one about knowing what you want to say yes to. Because when you’re just saying although yeses to all of the little things, ultimately you’re just saying no to that big thing you wish to accomplish.

The question to you is: Is this what you want? Would you rather be spending your time doing little things that are mildly relevant to your dreams, your goals, your life? Or do you want to devote your energy focused on doing those one, two, three big things that would give you that maximum fulfillment when you realize them?

Well, the question is to you. I know I want to choose the latter. That’s because when I do the latter well, I will impact a lot more people on a much bigger scale. That gives me a lot more meaning, fulfillment, and happiness in life.

4) Be honest about it

My tip number four is to be honest about it.

I know we can be really tough to say no and communicate it to someone. Of course, we feel like we would be hated and we would seem like we are nasty folks when we are saying no. Some people may not take that well.

But that is not a reason not to say no. If anything, it helps to just communicate that reason directly now, so that the other person can know how you truly feel. As opposed to living in the charade and living behind pretenses.

Actually, most of the times, you wouldn’t even need to give a reason if you’re not exactly close to the person. But if there is some strong preexisting relationship, and if you just want to be honest, then you can just give the reason if it makes you’ll feel better.

Example: When I said no to a request

So a couple months ago, I received a request from someone and he was inviting me to join his company on his board of advisors. This was a high honor. And this is someone who is very important and of high status. And I did consider that.

But when I thought about what I truly want to say yes to… As what I mentioned just now, what I want to say yes to, like my big yes, would be to develop PE further, to create all this great content for you guys to help you in your growth. And to be there for the community. I’ve known from my past experiences that PE takes up a fair level of my time. If I were to allocate my time elsewhere, it would just be diverting my time from what truly matters to me. It would be the kind of nice-to-be-involved project — like things that I kept getting a lot of over the years and that I’ve said yes to countless times, but in the end it took up so much of my time and energy and left me drained at the end of the day with no time for my health, relationships, and my most important goals.

So I realized that I needed to say no, and it was about communicating that no. So then I replied to the email and I drafted it out. I thought about how to best present my stance without offending this person. (I didn’t offend him.) I certainly didn’t want want to burn bridges.

And then I just typed my e-mail and then deleted some stuff, and then typed some more. Left it there for a couple of hours. Came back later to look at it with fresh eyes to see [if there was] anything that needed amending. In the process of typing that e-mail, I decided to be honest as opposed to coming up with random excuses.

So yeah. I just wrote honestly about how I feel that as an honor, but I don’t feel like I can be involved in this because to do so would take away time from the most important goals and projects in my life. If I want to be involved in something, I want to be involved in it 100%. But I don’t feel I’m able to commit 100% to this thing, and because of that, I need to say no. And then I clicked send.

After that, I was a little bit anxious because I was worried that I might offend him.

Well, in less than a day, I received an e-mail reply from him. He said he read the e-mail with a smile on his face and not even to worry about it because he wasn’t offended in any way at all. And he just wished me all the best. That was that! So in my mind, I was worried about whether I would be offending him, and I was spending a few days thinking about how to articulate my reply. He just replied in less than a day and just said, don’t sweat it!

A lot of times our worries about saying no, it may well just be in our mind, you know? We may be worried about how people may feel, may think, and so on. And that’s with good reason obviously. Because we don’t want to be nasty people. We don’t want to be rude to people. We don’t want to make people feel bad if we can. I totally understand that.

But sometimes, maybe certain people are really just articulating a request or suggestion. Maybe they are doing the same thing to other people as well. Maybe they’re not even thinking too much about that.

So as opposed to putting the weight of the world on your shoulders, maybe what really helps is just being honest in your communications and not to worry or think too much about something until it has happened. Because as the saying goes, over 90-95% of the worries that we have, tend to be just in our minds.

5) Give alternatives

My fifth tip is to give alternatives.

If it makes you feel better, you can suggest alternatives. This is an optional tip. You don’t have to do that because you can’t possibly be suggesting alternatives to every single thing that you say no to, especially if you often need to say no.

But, as and when you feel appropriate, you can give some alternative suggestions that the person can consider. Let’s say someone wants you to get involved in the particular project and you can’t. Then you can suggest someone else if you can think of someone who would be suitable.

You don’t necessarily have to do that but if you feel like it’s something that can make you feel better, and you can offer it without significant cost on your end, then you can give alternatives.

6) Do a life audit

My sixth and last tip is to do a life audit if you’re getting a high noise signal.

What do I mean by that? I have found that for every request, there’s always an evaluation process where you are thinking, Should I engage in this? Should I not? What are the trade-offs? What will it cost? What do I need to put in? What could potentially be the outcome from this?  

This is known as cognitive load. Cognitive load is that load on your mind when you’re processing a decision. When you’re dealing with just one request or two requests, that cognitive load isn’t apparent. But when you’re dealing with a high volume of requests for an extended period of time, you probably will feel drained after some time — yet you can’t really understand why.

So you could be not doing much, but you still feel a load on your mind. That would be cognitive load at work.

Let’s say you’re getting so many requests that require your mental energy to process, to think through, and to weigh the pros and cons. That would be very draining. Ideally, you want to cut down the number of requests that you have to process and to increase the hit rate. Hit rate is the chance of a request being compatible with what you wish to do.

If you are getting a lot of requests that aren’t a fit and that you need to continually think about how to reject, then this is what I call a high noise signal. High noise signal meaning that there is a high ratio of requests that are incompatible and hence the term “noise.”

So over the years, I’ve been receiving a lot of requests. Initially, in the first few years, it was manageable. After a while, it started to weigh down on me. It wasn’t something that was immediately apparent. This was something that just started building up over the months and years.

Just a few months ago, I started thinking, What am I doing? In that, I was feeling so weighed down by this high noise signal. Unfortunately, there’s just so much noise on the Internet these days. Just by the corollary of having an Internet presence, that also means that you get a very high volume of spam and random requests from people not reading the instructions on the contact page. So I dealt with that problem for quite a while, and then I hired my assistant last year who started to be involved in helping me manage my email and that helped me tons.

But ultimately, whether it is email processing done by me or my assistant, the whole situation just didn’t feel right. In that, a very very small minority of the e-mails that were coming in were a fit for what I wish to pursue. Especially as I got more clarity on the important projects that I wish to be involved in, which would be scale-based activities like creating content, working on online courses at PE, just building the community at large. It was so little like I think last year out of the thousands of e-mails that came in, less than five were a fit for what I wish to pursue.

With this revelation, I realized that I needed to review the communication channels on my site.

• I needed to say no to 1-1 coaching because this was not a fit with the scale-based direction that I wanted to go into. Like I really enjoy 1-1 coaching. But it was no longer feasible to keep taking on 1-1 coaching clients because it was taking my time away from other scale-based projects.
• It also meant saying no meet-up requests which I would get a lot off because those were just taking up a lot of my time and energy as well.
• It also meant removing my email from the PE contact page because a lot of people were abusing it and sending things that were not relevant to whatever I mentioned on that page.

Doing that helped clear out a lot of the noise.

So as opposed to taking up all this time to think about which e-mails were worth pursuing, which e-mails to archive and so on, all this energy can then be spent and invested into a more constructive use. Like improving the overall platform. Creating new material for all of you guys and so on.

That is just one example. When there’s a high level of noise signal in your life, that suggests that something is misaligned and it’s something to look into.

A totally different example: Let’s say you are single and you’re dating. You’re looking for your ideal relationship. But perhaps you’ve been getting so many different date requests. A lot of them tend to be low-quality dates. Low-quality dates in the sense of dates that are not compatible with you, your values, and the kind of person you’re looking for.

If that’s the case, it helps to do some audit. Maybe you are just going to the wrong places to meet people. Maybe the dates that you’ve been getting, maybe they’re coming from a particular channel, like a particular dating app or dating website, and maybe the audience profile on these sites or apps are just not a good fit for the kind of person you are and the kind of person you’re looking for.

This is assuming that your dating picture, your dating profile, that everything is already optimized and true to who you are and how you want to present yourself. Then perhaps there’s something to be reviewed. Maybe it’s about going to a different place to meet new people. Maybe is about exploring different channels, different apps, different dating websites. Basically changing your approach as opposed to perpetuating that cycle.

So the end goal is to continually improve the processes in your life: the way that you’re doing things, how you’re communicating with people. The ideal scenario is to get a healthy volume of requests that are a great fit for what you wish to pursue that you can readily say yes to. And there would be a high hit ratio.

Closing Note

I hope you’ve found today’s podcast helpful. For more on how to say no, check out my article on how to say no, at personalexcellence.com/blog/say-no/.

Every podcast takes a lot of work to create. If you’ve found The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful in any way, I would truly, truly appreciate it if you could take a few seconds of the time to leave a positive rating on iTunes. You’ll help spread the show to more people out there, and to help others in their journey of growth.

So thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to speaking to you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• How To Say No To Others
• How To Say No [Manifesto]

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Have you ever felt like a fraud? Like you are an impostor?

During my recent Anti-Procrastination Course, I was working with my participants to address their inner blocks for their goals. One of them has a goal to build her coaching practice. However, she kept facing procrastination as she feels like she is a fraud. Even though she wants to build her coaching practice and host retreats, she feels unconfident about her abilities. She says,

“I feel like a fraud. I still have so much to learn to be a coach. To be recognized as an expert, I was instilled with the belief that I need a lot of credentials under my name. I’m constantly reading and learning from others and sharing what I learn with others. However, I feel the ideas aren’t my ideas and that I sometimes use other people’s inspiration to express my thoughts and lessons.”

Have you ever felt this way before? That you are a fraud, an impostor?

The Impostor Syndrome, aka “I’m a fraud”

The impostor syndrome is the feeling that you are not as good as what others think or the image you’re trying to portray. Someone who suffers from the impostor syndrome carries a fear of being “exposed” for their lack of skills and ability, even though this “lack” may just be in their mind.

Research has estimated that two out of five successful people consider themselves frauds, while 70% of all people feel like impostors at one time or another.^[1] Many famous people have admitted to feeling like a fraud before, including Chuck Lorre (screenwriter), Tina Fey, Emma Watson, and even veteran actress Meryl Streep and best-selling author Maya Angelou!

“When you go and watch a rehearsal of something you’ve written and it stinks, the natural feeling is ‘I stink.’ I’m a fraud. I need to go and hide.‘ ” – Chuck Lorre

“The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!‘ ” – Tina Fey

“I was in my hotel room, thinking, ‘I can’t do this.’ I was just terrified,” – Emma Watson said of her reaction the night before giving a speech at the United Nations

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’ ” – Maya Angelou

“You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’ ” – Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep. A 3-time Academy Award winner, she is regarded as one of the greatest actors of all time — yet she still experiences the impostor syndrome!

Perhaps the most ironic part is the impostor syndrome is most prevalent among high achievers — meaning the people with the least reason to feel like impostors feel it the most.

Needless to say, the impostor syndrome can lead to serious self-sabotage. During my Anti-Procrastination Course, a different participant shared how she constantly feels “not prepared enough” to start her speaking business (even though she really is), in turn making her put off her goal and take yet another qualification to be “ready.” Some avoid applying for better jobs or pass up promotions because they don’t feel qualified, even though they really are. With business owners like coaches and freelancers, some procrastinate on promoting themselves and getting new clients because they’re afraid of “exposing” themselves for not being skilled enough.

If you have the impostor syndrome, here are my seven tips to tackle it.

1) Make a list of your achievements

As our harshest critics, we are often quick to cast doubt on our talents and abilities. We focus on what we lack and how we’re “not good enough.” This makes us feel like frauds even though we may already have the ability to do something well.

Before I started my blog, I had my doubts about why anyone would read what I had to say. Not only was I just 23 then, but there were already many great self-help blogs and gazillions of coaches out there who had been building their presence for years! Why would anyone listen to me? I thought. I felt redundant. I felt that there was no place for me in this field.

As I thought about how to differentiate myself, I decided to brainstorm on my unique strengths and achievements. While I initially thought that I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything, maybe one to two things at most, I was shocked when I came up with a full list of things that I had achieved throughout my life, through my hard work and merit, but had somehow forgotten! These included my scholastic achievements, personal troubles I had tackled, and accomplishments in my hobbies. Interestingly, I had swept them under the rug soon after achieving them. Seeing this list was pivotal as I thought, Hey, I can really do this. There is really something I can offer to others.

I then stopped feeling self-doubt when I started my journey. I believe this was a big reason why I could single-mindedly focus on my goal and achieve quick results in my passion journey.

Perhaps you may think: Oh, I haven’t achieved anything great. I’m not capable of anything. This is a typical impostor syndrome thought. Here’s a surprising fact: Whether you’re 30 or 20 or even 10, you already have a set of achievements under your belt, achievements unique to you. The key here isn’t to compare yourself with others but to see yourself in your own light.

I have three questions for you to journal on (write as many answers as possible):

1. What are your strengths? Are you driven? Passionate? Humorous? Witty? Hardworking? Committed? Genuine? Caring? Meticulous? These are traits that you have, traits unique to you. While they may seem natural to you, they are a form of achievement because YOU have these traits over others.
2. What challenges have you faced and overcome in life? We all have challenges that we face and overcome. What challenges did you face growing up? Teasing? Bullying? Self-doubt? Criticism? Anxiety? Living in an angry household? A broken family? Living in an oppressive culture? Negative stigmas? How have you dealt with them? These are achievements in themselves too.
3. What have you accomplished in your life? These achievements can be related to your work, hobbies, relationships, health, and finance. Maybe you worked your way through odds jobs to pay your tuition fees. Maybe you lost 15 kg and achieved a healthier weight. Maybe you studied really hard and got a scholarship. Maybe you worked hard to build your relationships today. These are all achievements!

Go deep into this exercise; I promise you’ll be surprised by the results. :)

2) Don’t sell yourself short

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Maybe you feel like a fraud because you don’t think you have anything good to offer. Maybe you feel that you’re just lying and pretending to be good when you aren’t. But know that whatever place you are at in life now, you are here because you are ready for it.

For example, say you want to be a coach. You feel like a fraud because you don’t feel good enough to coach others. Perhaps you feel like you self-assigned this title of “coach” and no one has officially endorsed you as a coach. Hence you feel terrified to market your work and put yourself out there, because, hey, What if someone realizes I’m a fraud, a phony?

Yet, consider this: What does “coach” (verb) mean? To me, it means to guide, support someone to greatness. Think back to your interactions with others in the past 10 years of your life. Have there been times when you helped someone move forward in their problems? Say when you helped a friend deal with a bad breakup? When you helped someone work through a career dilemma? Or when you inspired someone to take action? Aren’t these real people you’ve helped? So why would you think otherwise, when you’ve been coaching even before you started your business?

Here’s a different example: Say you just got promoted to be manager. You feel awkward as you are now leading your peers. Instead of working side by side, you’re now their manager who delegates work, critiques them, and manages their payroll. Because of that, some of them feel unhappy. Perhaps you feel embarrassed as there is a more senior person who should have been promoted over you.

However, recognize that you have been promoted for a reason. While you may feel that you aren’t good enough for this role, trust that your managers have carefully evaluated your skill sets, performance, and potential before promoting you. After all, managements don’t just randomly promote people without reason. Your managers wouldn’t have put you here if you couldn’t do it. So how about you start believing in yourself and work on being a fantastic manager to your staff, way better than anyone else could?

Don’t sell yourself short. You are where you are today because you have what it takes and you’ve worked your way there. So how about you make the best out of it? :)

3) Lose your expert hat

People with the impostor syndrome tend to feel that they need to live up to their role as an expert. And when they don’t, they feel like frauds.

Lose your expert hat. Stop feeling like you need to know all the answers. For example,

• If you run a blog on X, be okay with saying, “Hey, I don’t know everything on this. But I’m constantly learning and I’m here to share what I’ve learned.”
• If you are a manager, know that you don’t have to know everything. Own up to mistakes and knowledge gaps when they happen. Then, strive to be better.
• If you’re a coach on dating, health, fitness, etc., you don’t need to pretend to know it all. Chances are there are things you don’t know, that you need to research on. And that’s okay.

Are you wearing an expert hat at the moment? Is it time to let it go? (Image)

Why is it important to lose your expert hat? Firstly, rather than get caught up with maintaining a certain image (which becomes an ego thing), you focus on what matters: your work and your customers. Secondly, when you stop obsessing about your image, you can work on improving yourself, including your skills and knowledge. Thirdly, no one can know all the answers because there will always be new things to learn. The best actors will have new roles that stretch their acting ability. The best doctors will receive patient cases they have never seen before. The best life coaches will face problems of their own. I’m a coach but I face many issues of my own. Personal problems, family problems, and social problems, I deal with them just like anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong in that you can still position yourself as an expert, especially if it’s part of your job status. For example, the titles of doctor, coach, consultant, and trainer convey expertise over the average person. But don’t lose yourself in it because it’s just a title at the end of the day. There will always be things we don’t know and we should (a) humbly acknowledge our knowledge gaps and (b) continuously upgrade ourselves to close these gaps. Which brings me to the next tip.

4) Improve your skills

Addressing the impostor syndrome isn’t just about self-talk. Perhaps you feel like a fraud because deep down, you see a gap between your perceived and real skills. While tips #1 and #2 are about recognizing your achievements, this tip is about self-improvement. Because there is nothing more constructive than taking action to improve yourself.

When I started my business, skills improvement was huge on my list. It still is, but it was one of my top priorities when I begun. So much so that I created a scorecard of skills to build (coaching, speaking, writing), my personal rating for each skill, and plans to improve in them. For each skill, I had a workbook to map my progress. With coaching, I tracked all my coaching sessions and would evaluate my improvement areas after each session. I would work on these areas leading to the next session. I developed my framework of coaching techniques which I refined weekly. With speaking, I created a participant feedback form on various metrics: value of content, engagement, and so on. I would track and aim for perfect scores with every workshop.

I did these rigorously for 2.5 years. By then, I had developed a fair level of expertise, so it was no longer helpful for me to do such granular tracking. Today, I improve by studying the most successful icons, getting feedback, and helping my clients achieve breakthroughs.

For you,

1. What area do you feel like an impostor in? What skills do you need to excel in it?
2. How do you rate yourself in each skill, on a scale of 0–10?
3. How can you improve such that you are a 10/10 in each skill? Research? Go for training? Consult experts? Get more hands-on practice? Read books?

Read more:

• Skills Development
• Level Up
• 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent

5) Focus on giving value

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For a while I felt like a fraud running my site. Part of it was because I couldn’t keep up with the endless streams of people who needed my help. Another reason was the never-ending noise. No matter what I wrote, I would be criticized by people I didn’t know. No matter what I wrote, there would be unhappy people, people I couldn’t please.

My solution? Focus on the people I want to help. People in pain. People dealing with life’s challenges. People who want to better their lives. Then I ask myself, “How I can make a difference to them?” And I get down to work.

Impostor syndrome happens when you’re more concerned about your fears and image rather than what you want to achieve. Think about the people you want to serve. Create value for them. Forget the other things like fear, criticism, and naysayers because these are just noise that will be there no matter what.

How to deal with criticism:

• 9 Reasons Why Criticism is Good
• 8 Tips To Deal With Critical People
• Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise
• 5 Tips To Deal With Negative Criticism [Video]

6) Stop comparing with others

In today’s social media world, we are more connected than ever. Everyone’s updates are in our face — their Facebook posts, their likes, glamour shots, accolades, others’ praises for them, and for some, their monthly business income as they post their checks and earnings and what not.

When we fail to measure up to such people, we feel inadequate. A University of Michigan study showed that Facebook decreases subjective well-being among young adults.^[2] A German study revealed that one in three people felt worse after using Facebook.^[3] While I believe this is partly due to inherent issues with Facebook, another reason is that such close proximity among people and disparity in their achievements and success can create a sense of hopelessness among some people. For some, perhaps we feel guilty for not doing as well. Maybe we feel like phonies in comparison. We wonder, Why try when this person is already so good, successful, and well known?

But everyone starts from somewhere. When we compare ourselves with each other constantly, we prevent ourselves from coming into our own. We subject ourselves to others’ yardsticks which may not be relevant to us. We follow a track that may not be what we want. As Albert Einstein once said:

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Your goal here isn’t to compare with others. Your goal is to compare with yourself and outdo yourself. Don’t let people’s success cloud your vision of you. Celebrate others’ success just as you build your own path and succeed. The world is big enough for everyone to win. Read: Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself With Others (And 3 Steps To Do So)

7) Remember that everyone is still figuring things out

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Our society celebrates perfection. Magazine covers are perfectly photoshopped. Cover stories are always about some rags-to-riches story that fits media’s narrative and appeals to people’s thirst for perfection. For example, a high-school dropout who becomes a millionaire with the next big startup. A woman who disrupts the male-dominated startup scene and creates some revolutionizing tech (but unfortunately turns out to be a fraud).^[4] Celebrities become larger than life when they appear on TV and magazines.

Seeing these, people start to think in terms of “success” and “failure”; “have” and “have not”; “amazing” and “crap.” All experts are seen as the former; anyone who isn’t as good is lumped with the latter. Some “experts” and gurus have full-time teams who market and generate good press for them, plus clean up any bad publicity/criticism. If people didn’t already think of them as Superman/woman, they now have to.

But remember that everyone, including the experts, is still learning. Just because people do not reveal their struggles doesn’t mean they aren’t facing them.

• English singer Amy Winehouse, and winner of five Grammys, died of alcohol poisoning at the young age of 28; prior to her death, she admitted in several interviews that she suffered from manic depression, had an eating disorder, and engaged in self-injury.^[5]
• Lamar Odom, former NBA player and NBA Sixth Man of the Year, was found in a coma at a brothel in 2015, after an alleged drug binge. He is awake and now on the long road to recovery.^[6]
• Heath Ledger who played the Joker in The Dark Knight and won a posthumous Oscar for Best Supporting Actor was found dead in his home at the age of 28 from the abuse of prescription medicine.^[7] He was said to be battling drug addiction and depression leading up to his death.^[8]

Minus accolades and flashy possessions, we are not that different from each other. All of us have struggles beneath our successes. If we can recognize that everyone is here as a human on their life journey, we can stop projecting a front and start living. We can stop judging others and start embracing who and what we are. We can stop trying to be someone we are not or stop trying to appear perfect, but work on being ourselves, being our best self.

What tips can you apply to your situation? Stop feeling like an impostor — because you aren’t. You are you, and there is no one else who has the same skill sets, talent, and abilities as you do.

Also check out:

• Are You Sabotaging Yourself? How To Stop Self-Sabotage
• I’m Depressed About My Lack of Progress in Life. What Should I Do?