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Note from Celes: Hi everyone! I just finished the latest edition of 30DLBL and I’m finally back to posting at the blog. Thank you to everyone who sent me a message since my last update — it means so much to me. I look forward to sharing more! :) ❤️

“Hi Celes, I often feel depressed and regretful about my lack of progress in life. Honestly I am angry and bitter about it. This creates a lot of anxiety for me and I think it’s a big source of my procrastination. What can I do about this?” — M

Have you ever felt depressed about your lack of progress in life? Do you wish that you could be doing more and achieving more?

If so, I totally understand. In my last update, I shared that I stepped away from my blog for the past few years to raise my baby and support my family through a series of challenges. During this time, my career came to a stop, and for a while I felt like I was making no progress in life.

But progress comes in many ways. Just because you feel like you haven’t made progress doesn’t mean that it’s true. If you have been feeling discouraged by a lack of progress lately, here are 5 things I want to share with you.

1) Redefine the meaning of progress

Firstly, define “progress.” What is progress to you? Is it to achieve huge success in your career? Earn lots of money? Buy a nice house? Travel around the world? Pursue your passion? Or something else?

Looking up the word “progress,” it means forward movement toward a destination.^[1] Perhaps you have a vision of where you want to be by age 30 or 40 or 50, such as to be at the peak of your career, earn lots of money, buy a nice house, and start a family.

Conventional society tells us to set big goals and pursue them relentlessly. While such big goal setting is important — I do it myself and teach it in my courses — there are times when it needs to take a back seat as other life areas (e.g., family and health) require our attention.

While it may look like you’re not progressing during these times, you are progressing, just in a different way. For example:

• Taking a work hiatus to raise your kids — that’s progress, in your family.
• Taking a break to address health issues — that’s progress, in your health.
• Taking time out to tackle personal problems — that’s progress, in your mental health and happiness.
• Taking time to overcome obstacles and setbacks — that’s progress in your goal and life as you learn about what works and doesn’t work.

My lack of progress in career (From life challenges)

In my 2024 update, I shared that I had to step back from my work for the past five years to support my family through a series of deep challenges. These included my mother-in-law’s illness and later passing, my husband’s health issues, raising my baby without help, and uprooting my life and moving my family overseas from Singapore to the UK, in the midst of a pandemic.

While my career came to a stop, I made progress in other ways.

• I see my child growing every day, and that’s progress to me.
• I see my husband growing in his career and improving in his health issues, and that’s progress to me too.
• I have also made progress in my health by uncovering the root cause of my health issues (which turned out to be toxic dental work such as mercury fillings and root canals), and learning about natural healing which I now use to heal myself.

Very importantly, I saw all these as a temporary hiatus to work on pressing life issues for the time being, with the end goal of returning to my passion — to grow and help you achieve your highest potential.

For you, what have you been working on? Family? Health? Relationships? Mental Health? There are many types of progress in life beyond career and financial growth. While society tends to focus on these two things, there are other things (e.g., family, health, relationships) that are just as important to live a meaningful life. The progress that you make in other areas is progress too, so remember that.

There are many areas that are important in our life, beyond career and money. Read: The Life Wheel (Image: Personal Excellence)

2) Recognize that life isn’t a straight line

(From: Your Plans vs. Universe’s Plans For You)

Many people expect to progress in life without major setbacks. Set a goal and get from Point A to Point B without issue. Celebrate. Rinse and repeat.

But life isn’t always a straight line. In life, there are ups and downs, setbacks and difficulties. The downs can be difficulties with a goal, or unexpected life obstacles such as illness, a painful breakup, or death and loss.

In case you think that everyone is having a great life, remember that what you see in the media and social media is often heavily filtered. Many people face difficulties, just that they don’t show it. In my 2024 update I shared that I have been working through family challenges and health issues caused by toxic dental work. Some of these issues are ongoing and it can be a struggle managing motherhood without help, working through my husband’s issues, and now returning to work in a highly challenging online environment (see Point #4).

Many celebrities face life challenges too, though most may not be sympathetic to their situations due to their immense success and wealth.

• Ashton Kutcher struggled with a rare disease that left him unable to see, hear, and walk for a year in 2020. He healed after treatment and physical training.^[2][3]
• Wendy Williams was a successful talk show host and lived a glamorous life in the 2010s. But she was dealing with her husband’s infidelity and alcohol addiction behind the scenes^[4][5], and is recently diagnosed with early-onset dementia.^[6][7]
• Kate Middleton is a public icon and looks picture perfect all the time, smiling and radiant. But in 2024 she shared that she had cancer at the age of 42 and was going through treatment^[8] (she is now in remission^[9]).

The media and social media tend to present an idealized image of people’s lives, which gives the impression that everyone’s life is perfect. The truth is that many people are going through obstacles, whether in health, relationships, family, money, or career. Know that you are not alone and we are all going through this together. ❤️

3) Goals take time (Set milestones)

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Many people think that goals can happen right away and become disappointed when they don’t. The reality is that goals take time. Depending on the goal, it can take weeks, months, or even years.

Evan Spiegel launched Snapchat in 2011 as a niche app for disappearing messages. It initially struggled to gain traction, due to intense competition from other established platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Spiegel and his team kept innovating, introducing new features like Stories and augmented reality lenses, before reaching mainstream success. Today, Snapchat is one of the top 10 social platforms with millions of users.^[10][11][12]

Snapchat’s daily active users over time (2014-2024) (Image)

Jack Ma faced many rejections over and over before founding Alibaba, an e-commerce company.

• When he applied for a job at KFC in 1995, he was the only person out of 24 applicants who didn’t get the job.
• He applied to Harvard 10 times but got rejected each time.
• He also applied to the police force and was the only one out of five applicants who didn’t get accepted.
• He had various failed business ventures, including a translation business, a directory service, and a restaurant.

In 1999, Ma started Alibaba and faced significant struggle as people were skeptical about online shopping then and the internet infrastructure in China was not developed. It took persistence to overcome these struggles, and today, Alibaba is a global corporation with over US$130 billion in annual revenue.^{[13][14][15][16][17]}

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A seed takes time to grow into a tree. A goal takes time as you work through its obstacles. Think of it as a journey. Break your goal down into small milestones, and then tackle them one by one.

E.g., if your goal is to create a successful podcast, rather than feel discouraged that your listener count isn’t skyrocketing, set milestones to get there. Such as getting your first 100 listeners, then 200 listeners, then 500 listeners, and so on.

Example: Milestones for a podcast goal (Image: Personal Excellence)

Know that there’s an incubation period for our goals — a period of time between taking action and seeing results. While it may seem like nothing is happening, something is happening. You just need to be patient while you work toward your goal.

If you can’t reach a milestone after some time, understand why. Do a review to see what’s working, what’s not working, and what to do differently. Then, try again. Keep improving your plan and it’s a matter of time before you see results.

Read: Days 5-7 of Live a Better Life in 30 Days (Create an Action Plan, Take Action, and Review)

4) Understand what’s causing the lack of progress

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If you have been facing too many setbacks, you feel burnt out, or you keep repeating the same mistakes, then you are likely hitting a wall.

Hitting a wall is a situation where you can’t progress no matter how hard you try. It can happen for various reasons, such as lacking the knowledge or skills to advance, having an ineffective strategy, not having a clear goal, or perfectionism. Stop to figure out what the issue is and address it.

My lack of progress in writing (Feeling disconnected from blogging)

After my daughter started school at 4.5 years old, I slowly resumed work while juggling my mom duties. While I was eager to reconnect with you guys and had so much to share, I faced a rut despite spending hours writing each week.

After digging into it, I realized that I was feeling disconnected from blogging as a platform. I started making websites in 1998 and PE in 2008, and the online space has changed so much — and not necessarily in a good way.

• In terms of web development, new things would roll out constantly, causing current things to break. I would constantly be fixing issues and code at my website. Managing a website has become overly complicated today, unlike in the early 2010s.
• Online exchanges have become highly negative and critical, when they used to be positive and encouraging. People just became very irritable and angry online, and this is reflected in the comments and emails I would get via PE.
• While the internet used to be a place where people formed meaningful connections and discovered new things, now it’s filled with bots, spam, and profit-driven businesses. The online world has become a huge, commercialized marketplace, and we have become a product constantly targeted at by ads, algorithms, and businesses.
• There is now a proliferation of AI content in recent years, with AI bots being built on the stolen work of artists and blogs like PE, without giving credit.
• Google and social media algorithms have shifted to prioritize big brands and sponsored content.^[18] Big Tech have taken over the online space, and not in a good way.

I’ve written about these issues over the years:

• Challenges I’m Facing Today (2018)
• Closing Blog Comments at PE (2015)
• Closure of PE Forums (2016)
• Feeling Disconnected (2016)
• How To Deal With Disillusionment As You Grow Older (2017)
• Why I Deleted My Facebook Page With 20,800 Likes (2016)
• Why I Deleted My Twitter Account With 7,000 Followers (2018)

Having been online since the 1990s, I feel that the internet has become sterile, negative, and over-commercialized, compared to the past when it was a space for authentic conversations and positive learning.

Feeling disconnected from the online world (Image)

There is also a huge backlog of work from my time away. Tons of content to update. Things to change in my business due to changes in the online space. New tax laws and regulations to learn as I have moved to a different country. And juggling of endless mom duties without family help, and a conflict between these duties and what I need to do to build a successful blog/business.

There is no easy fix and it’s about understanding the issues and working on them step by step.

One big step I have taken is to go back to the basics. To focusing on connecting with you. Just you. Just like when I first started.

In the past months, I did major restructuring of my business, cut out redundant costs, and simplified my website backend to return to my core focus of writing. I have been updating many past articles at PE, and just finished a big update of 30DLBL. I’ve also reopened blog comments (as a trial) and will see how it works out — I miss connecting with you guys. 🌺

Whether it’s AI, bots, or spam, my end goal is to support you in your growth. All these are just noises and I need to find ways to push them away. And I feel excited to return to writing and connecting with you all. :)

To You

If you have been facing a lack of progress for a while, stop to examine what’s going on. Ask yourself, “What’s blocking me? What’s preventing me from move forward?” Identify the issue(s) and work on addressing it.

Some ideas to break the wall:

1. Reexamine your goal. Sometimes circumstances change and goals become outdated. Maybe your goal no longer interests you or it’s unrealistic with your current situation. Check to see if it needs changing. Read: When Goals Stop Working
2. Change your approach. If you have been doing the same thing with no results, maybe something is wrong with your methods. Review and see what’s working and not working. Study the people who are doing well. Talk to others to get new perspective. Improve your plan, and then try again.
3. Learn new knowledge and skills. Lacking knowledge and skills when tackling a complex goal will naturally lead to a roadblock. Adopt a growth mindset. For example the online landscape has changed so much and I am now learning AI tools and new editing software to get up to speed. What skills do you need in this goal? Attend courses, research, learn from experts, and learn from practice. Read: Skills Development and Level Up
4. Take a step back. Being too close to something can cause tunnel vision, mental fatigue, and burnout. Take a step back and take a break to get fresh perspective and ideas. Getting a change of environment can also help.
5. Find a support network. Connect with people pursuing the same goal — they provide support, insights into problems, and ideas and solutions. Join groups related to your goal online (Facebook, Reddit) and offline (Meetup.com) if possible. I’m part of various blogging communities and they are helpful for troubleshooting and getting insights to issues I’m facing. Read: Day 25: Create Your Success Network of Live a Better Life in 30 Days
6. Let go of perfection. Don’t let the need for perfection hinder your progress. Aim for a good enough level and improve it over time. Read: How To Overcome Perfectionism (series)

Some of these issues may be deep-seated or complex, and take time to fix. That’s okay. It is progress to start somewhere. Know that slow progress in addressing deeper issues will still lead to bigger changes than trying to tackle your goal at a low level and making no progress.

5) Take baby steps. As long as you’re taking steps forward, it’s progress.

I know it can feel depressing when you have a big goal and don’t see progress day after day. Ideally, we want to set big goals and take big actions to achieve big results.

But there are times when taking big action simply isn’t possible, due to life circumstances. Perhaps you’re a parent to young kids, you’re dealing with health issues, you’re a caregiver to another, or your day job takes up significant time and energy. In these situations, it’s better to focus on one small thing a day.

Meaning, if you want to lose weight, make one good food choice a day. If you want to work on your blog, work on one thing in your plan, whether it’s editing your website or writing a new post. If you want to create a video channel, consider short-form videos on Tiktok or YouTube Shorts.

Do the small things and do them well. If you think it’s a waste of time, it’s not — the little changes you make add up to create huge changes in the long run. It all starts with what you do today. Some days you may be overwhelmed and not want to do anything, and that’s okay.

The more important thing is what you do on most days than not.

(From: The Emotional Journey of Creating Anything Great [Infographic])

Know that what you’re going through now is the trough of goal achievement. It can be difficult, painful, and boring.

But you can do it. I know you can. Things are tough now and many people are experiencing difficulties — rising cost of living, financial stresses, job security issues, burnout, juggling work and family, etc. — so you are not alone.

The important part is to (1) recognize that a lull in life can happen to anyone, and (2) equip yourself with the tools to work through them. Know that you are not a failure nor are you inadequate. A lull or lack of progress is what it is, and as you take the steps to work through it, it is matter of time before you see the results you seek.

Read:

• The Power of Little Changes
• If you cannot do great things now, start by doing small things in a great way

End Note

Are you facing a lack of progress? How can you apply the tips above?

Note from Celes: If you have been facing a lack of progress in life, check out Live a Better Life in 30 Days (30DLBL), my 30-day program to live a better life. It’s a great tool to do a life audit, set goals, and plan ahead. I did 30DLBL recently and it was great in helping me get clarity and create a roadmap for 2025 and beyond.

The 2025 edition of Live a Better Life in 30 Days is now out! I have updated the full course and rewrote many tasks, plus added a new task (Day 22) on limiting beliefs. Read about 30DLBL here, or if you are a past buyer, learn how to get access here! Questions? Let me know here.

This article is available for download as an ebook. Click on the button below to download.

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Are you feeling uncertain about life now? Are you facing uncertainty in your work, health, relationships, or other life areas? In my last newsletter, I shared how to make hard decisions. Today’s post is about addressing uncertainty.

Whether it’s moving to a new country, changing jobs, or dealing with health problems, there are times in life when we are caught in uncertainty.

But as humans, we seek clarity and control. So when we face uncertainty, we feel unsettled. We think about the worst-case scenario and play it over and over in our minds. Some of us freeze and panic; some of us become depressed; others give up and do nothing.

While it’s normal to worry, prolonged worrying is unconstructive and does little to solve the problem. There are steps you can take to deal with uncertainty, whether in terms of action or mindset change. Today I share six tips to address uncertainty.

Tip 1: Focus on what you can do

First, focus on what you can do.

It’s normal to feel helpless when we face situations that are out of our control. A pandemic, a retrenchment, a negative health diagnosis, and a divorce are examples of events that can make anyone feel powerless, like our life is not our own.

But in every situation, there is always something you can do. What can you do? Work on them. Don’t focus on the things you can’t control, but focus on the things you can control. If you do nothing, nothing will improve. But if you focus on the things you can do, and work on them, things may get better.

For example, in a retrenchment, you can’t change the fact that you just lost your job. But you can control how much time and effort you spend looking for a new job. You can improve your resume, contact headhunters, join job boards, and network with people in your industry. You can control your attitude toward your layoff, which will in turn affect the opportunities that come your way.

Likewise in a negative health diagnosis, you can’t change the fact that the illness is currently there. But you can research the illness, join online forums, and connect with those with the same condition. You can research therapies that have helped others get better, and there are many people who have healed themselves from what were declared to them as incurable diseases. You can take action to heal yourself, or if not possible, work on managing your symptoms and living a meaningful life despite your health.

Similarly in a divorce, you can’t change the fact that the marriage has come to an end. But you can work on planning your life after divorce, setting new goals as a single, and connecting with loved ones for support. If you have kids, focus on raising them in a positive and loving environment despite the divorce.

Table: How To Deal With Uncertainty (© PersonalExcellence.co)

The goal is to shift from an external locus to an internal locus of control. External locus of control means perceiving external factors to have more control than you over your life. Internal locus of control means perceiving yourself to have more control than external factors over your life.

While life is not perfect and unexpected things can happen — things that are not your fault and not caused by you — having an internal locus of control helps you take charge of your life. When you adopt an internal locus of control, you focus on the things you can do to make a difference, and try to move things to a better path.

Recognize that even in great uncertainty, you still have power over yourself, your attitude, and your actions. Even if there is seemingly nothing you can do, you can change your attitude, manage your stress levels, and address your emotions. There are still things you can do and control, and it is by focusing on them that you return to the driver’s seat of your life.

Tip 2: Have a backup plan

Part of the issue with uncertainty is that there is a lot of variance in what may happen — particularly the downside. We have no idea what’s going to happen next and it can feel like we are walking in the dark.

Rather than let the uncertainty take over you, create a backup plan so that you know what to do if the worst-case scenario happens. First, it limits the downside you may face by making you think and plan ahead. Next, it mentally prepares you for the worst-case scenario. Lastly, it gives you peace of mind so that you can focus on dealing with the problem, rather than keep worrying about what to do if the worst thing happens.

When I quit my job to start my business Personal Excellence years ago, I was initially anxious about the future. I was worried that I wouldn’t earn any money even after pursuing my passion for a year — meaning I had failed and had to return to a job I didn’t love.

After worrying for a while, I decided to sit down and address my concerns. The bulk of my worries was uncertainty over my cash flow and business success. So I asked myself:

1. How can I ensure my business will definitely succeed?
2. What should I do if my business doesn’t bring in money after six months? (I had set the time period at six months so that I would have time to regroup if things didn’t work out.)

My goal was to focus on the things I could control, rather than the things I couldn’t control.

With 1), my answer was to work on my business strategy, develop my coaching skills, create the best content, and build traffic, among many other actions. As for the other things I couldn’t fully control — such as whether I would be featured in the media and whether my articles would rank #1 on Google — I would do my best but not worry about them.

With 2), my answer was to return to corporate, earn some money for one to two years, and then quit to work on my business. And to do this again and again until I succeeded.

When I planned this path, suddenly the worst-case scenario of failure didn’t seem scary to me. I knew I had a plan if I didn’t earn any money, and my worst-case scenario of zero income was covered. By doing this, I could fully devote myself to my business without worry. Personal Excellence soon gained traction and the rest was history.

It’s the same for other situations. If you’re dealing with a job loss, prepare for a scenario where you don’t find a job for the next six months. What would you do? Perhaps you can look for jobs in other sectors, step up on your networking, and take on part-time work until you find a full-time job. Financially, cut down your expenses to the minimum. Get a bank loan if necessary to tide you over.

With health problems, prepare for a scenario if things don’t get well. What would you do? What would you want to do with your loved ones? Think about your will, to avoid the stresses of estate administration down the road. While these are things no one wants to think about, thinking ahead can sometimes set our minds at ease and let us focus on getting well.

With a divorce, perhaps one of your fears is never finding someone compatible. What if you don’t find someone? What would you do? How would you live your life? How can you create your best life ever? Interestingly it is by living our best life as an individual that we then attract the right person, something that I teach in my course Soulmate Journey.

Tip 3: Live your life as best as you can, despite the uncertainty

Thirdly, live your life as best as you can, despite the uncertainty.

Ask yourself: “How can I live my best life despite the situation?” Then, do that. Because when you let your life be ruled over by the uncertainty, you give power to it. But by living life as you would — to the best of your ability — you regain power over your life.

Shannen Doherty is an American actress with Stage 4 breast cancer. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 and went into remission in 2017, but in 2019, discovered that her cancer had returned as Stage 4.^[1]

Despite her illness, she has focused on working, living, and being an advocate for cancer survivors. Since 2020, she has filmed a series of productions including BH90210, Dying to Belong, and List of a Lifetime. In January 2023, she discovered that the cancer has spread to her brain, yet she is starting a podcast after the fact.^[2][3]

She says, “Stage 4 cancer, it doesn’t mean the end of your life. It doesn’t mean that you’re not viable in the workplace. It’s quite the opposite. I think we probably work harder than anyone because we have so much more to prove.”^[4] “Our life doesn’t end the minute we get that diagnosis. We still have some living to do.”^[5]

For you, living your best life may mean something different. It may be working, meeting friends, or being with loved ones. While you battle with uncertainty, try to create normalcy in your life — if possible. While the uncertainty may have disrupted 50, 75, or even 100 percent of your life, getting back a little control — even if just one percent — can help you feel a sense of stability and centeredness.

Tip 4: Learn to accept uncertainty

Many of us have been through the golden age in the 1990s and 2000s^[6][7] where there was an economic boom with rising employment and rising affluence.

During this time, job security was the norm, there was certainty in life, and people could focus on working, earning money, and growing in material wealth, without worrying about other things. Health was a given and something to only worry about in old age; marriage resulted in the certainty that your partner was yours for life; and there was no such thing as chronic health conditions, divorce, layoffs, global pandemics, banks collapsing, or massive economic downturn.

But the reality is that uncertainty is a constant in life. The economic boom in the 1990s and 2000s was a temporary period of illusionary stability in the long span of human history. When you look at the entire human history, the only constant has been change. Be it the Agricultural Revolution where humans switched from a nomadic lifestyle to farming, the Industrial Revolution where production switched from being by hand to by machines, or the Information Age where everything is now digitized, we as humans have constantly been dealing with change, whether as an individual or a civilization.

The Covid pandemic gave us a jolt and took us out of our comfort zones. But it is a reminder that nothing is permanent or certain. While we may seek certainty in our life again, and it is normal to do so, remember that there is nothing certain in life. Our health, jobs, investments, finances, business results, and even our homes — all these can change in the next moment.

Plan for a life with stable foundations, but be prepared that things can change. Let go of expectations for things to remain the same. Don’t resist change, but learn to deal with it as it happens. Soft skills like adaptability, ability to react quickly, openness, and willingness to step out of your comfort zone will be important.

Tip 5: Manage your stress levels

There are times when the uncertainty is so much and the problem is so stressful that we remain affected despite doing the above. For example, when we are dealing with a life-and-death situation. When the outcome of something critically important rests on someone else (such as surgery to remove a tumor). When there is no way to get clarity despite your best efforts (such as dealing with a health condition that no one knows about).

In these darkest of times, check in with yourself. How are you doing now? Are you feeling stressed out? If yes, how can you alleviate your stress levels? Perhaps it’s to shut down your laptop and take a break from reading online comments of all the negative scenarios. Perhaps it’s to get a timeout and take your mind off this for a day. Perhaps it’s to talk to a loved one about your worries.

Do something to manage your stress, even if it’s just taking a timeout for a few minutes. Your mental health is important. When you get back, continue to tackle the uncertainty using the steps above.

Tip 6: Do the best you can

Last but not least, do the best you can.

The past few years have been the most difficult years of my life.

• I had a baby and stopped working to dedicate myself to motherhood full-time, with no family help.
• My mother-in-law had a painful struggle with a rare illness for 18 months, during which my family became deeply involved in her care, until she passed away.
• COVID happened which made raising a baby and caring for the ill much more difficult than it already is.
• For the past decade, I faced worsening health problems that medical professionals had no answer for, that I later found out — after years of searching for answers on my own — are due to dental work that I had when I was young, including mercury fillings and a root canal, leading to heavy metal poisoning and other issues.
• My husband faced health and personal issues that I supported him through, that we later found out were due to dental work he had as a kid as well, specifically mercury fillings.
• I faced repeated conflicts in my blood family that I later found out were coming from a toxic family-in-law who was sowing discord in the family.
• Finally, after a two-year delay due to COVID, my husband and I moved overseas with our baby, without a job or long-term housing, where we had to move from place to place and live in day-to-day uncertainty about our future as he worked on finding a job (and eventually did).

Through these extremely difficult times, I had to be the rock to hold everything together. That despite the uncertainty of everything — a pandemic, illness and death of a loved one, raising a baby without family help, personal illness, and moving overseas without a job secured in the family — I had to be the constant to hold everything together. I had to do everything and stretch myself to the maximum to absorb all variables and uncertainties; to be the stable foundation so that my baby would have a safe and enriching upbringing; to support my husband through extreme difficulties; and to help my family soar and succeed.

Any of the above is difficult enough by itself, but for them to happen all at the same time, it was inhuman, surreal, and soul-crushing.

The pandemic also made everything significantly more difficult. We had planned to move abroad for years and had gotten our visas, booked our flights, and sold all our belongings in Singapore, but Covid struck and became a global pandemic, with countries entering lockdown literally days before our departure. We had to change our entire life plans and scramble to find local accommodation just as Singapore was entering lockdown, with our baby in tow. It would be two years of waiting in limbo before travel restrictions changed and we could move.

In these deeply uncertain times, what I’ve done (besides what I have shared above) is to live one day at a time. To do my best and make each day count. To do my best and hope that everything will work out in the end.

Because sometimes the best is really all we can do. When everything is out of our control, and it seems that nothing we do matters, then all we can do is focus on the few things within our control now — even if they are just a few small things. Do them and do them well. Do them and keep moving forward.

At some point, hopefully things will look up. When that happens, you can start planning for the future. In the meantime,

• Focus on what you can do. As I shared in #1, focus on what you can do. These are the things you can control in the situation, so work on them. The other things are not in your control, so focusing on them (unless it’s to learn) won’t help.
• Live one day at a time. In times of extreme uncertainty, the best we can do is to live one day at a time. Focus on doing your best and getting through the day. If not possible, then focus on getting through the moment. Moment by moment, that’s how you get through it.
• Don’t blame yourself for things gone wrong. You can’t control everything in a situation. There will be things that happen that are beyond your control, and they are not your fault. Whatever has happened, please know that it’s not your fault.
• Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best. Remember to love and care for yourself during this difficult time.
• Release your expectations. We all have expectations of how we want things to be, but we can’t control the outcome when so many things are out of our control. Release your expectations and do what you can. Know that whatever happens, you have done your best.

Final Words

I know that life is tough. I know that things can be difficult. Whatever you’re going through, I hope you make it through.

Know that uncertainty is very much a part of life. Be it an economic downturn, illness, death, raising a child, caring for a loved one, or something that is absolutely out of our control like a natural disaster or pandemic, uncertainty can hit us in different ways.

I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. There are many others fighting the same battles as well.

Do what you can in handling the situation. Follow the steps in this guide. Perhaps it may take weeks, months, or even years, but with persistent action and the right attitude, I hope that you will find a solution to your issue and regain stability in your life. Some issues may be so pervasive that it’s something you have to live with, perhaps for a long while, perhaps forever. If so, work on finding a new normal using the steps above.

The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire. You are stronger than you know. You are stronger than you realize. I hope you find strength in you to fight the battle ahead. And I hope to be here by your side, through PE, supporting you in the journey ahead.

Oftentimes, uncertainty comes hand in hand with decision-making. Read my article on decision making: How To Make Life’s Hardest Decisions: 3 Decision Making Methods

Have you heard of the Shiny Object Syndrome? It is the tendency for someone to chase something new, be it a new idea, trend, or goal, rather than to stay focused on what they’re doing.

The behavior is similar to a child who is attracted to anything that’s shiny and new. I have an 18-month-old nephew and he is constantly attracted to anything that moves or makes a sound. As he approaches something that he has never seen before, he’s intrigued at first but loses interest as the item loses its novelty to him. He’s then attracted to the next new shiny thing, only to lose interest after a while and seek the next shiny object!

You know that you have experienced the shiny object syndrome if you can relate to the following:

• You have a list of business ideas but nothing gets executed.
• You constantly start new goals but never see them through to the end.
• You jump from one course to another, drawn by the wild claims of each course.
• You frequently jump from one goal to the next rather than stick to what you’re doing to the end.
• You keep registering new domain names and launching new websites, but you don’t work on building these sites.
• You have a collection of plugins and tools, but you don’t actually use them.

Does any of the above apply to you?

The Issue with the Shiny Object Syndrome

At the heart of it, the issue with the shiny object syndrome is distraction. Being constantly drawn to new ideas and tools, and abandoning important tasks in the process.

When you’re constantly distracted, a few issues happen:

1. You never get things done. That’s because you’re always on to something new, rather than completing your current plans.
2. You spend too much time on new ideas and fancy tools, of which 95% are noise, rather than building the fundamentals.
3. You become a jack of all trades, master of none. That’s because you don’t spend enough time to become good at something. There is a difference between a Beginner vs. Intermediate vs. Veteran vs. Expert, and you spend too much time being a Beginner since you’re switching focus and learning things from scratch all the time. This is different from developing a talent stack, which means being good enough in a variety of skills, hence giving you an edge over others.
4. Because you never get good enough at something, you never reap the market leader rewards. The market leader effect is the phenomenon where the winner takes all. Most people will only ever know the top leaders in each industry, and hence market leaders often enjoy a huge lead in market share over everyone else. When you’re constantly chasing new things, you spend too much time learning the basics rather than building on your skills. This causes you to miss out on market leader gains.

When you’re the best in your field, you enjoy significant gains over others — whether it’s monetary gains, brand name recognition, or opportunities (Image: Personal Excellence)

But when you are constantly attracted to shiny objects, you never have the chance to become great at something. You’re always climbing the learning curve for each new thing you chase. (Image)

How to Avoid the Shiny Object Syndrome: 7 Tips

So how can you stay focused and avoid the shiny object syndrome?

1. Understand that new does not mean better. To be clear, addressing the shiny object syndrome is not about ignoring every new thing. In today’s world, it is important to keep in touch with the latest trends and updates. However, when all you do is follow every new tool and idea, you waste your time chasing trends rather than getting things done. Understand that new doesn’t mean better. Just because someone just launched something new doesn’t automatically mean that it’s better.
2. Learn to see past the hype. There are constantly new, shiny objects in the online world. New startups, new products, new services. On social media, seeing raving reviews creates a mob mentality where you feel the need to jump in and follow what others are doing.
   
   But see past the hype. While people may brag about how great a product/service is, what’s good for others may not be good for you. Even though a company can promise the world on what their product can do, many startups, ideas come with birthing pains and issues. Rather than jump headfirst into something, question how it fits in with your priorities.
3. Assess its fit with your work (and life). Before jumping into a new idea or tool, assess its fit with your work and life. Don’t follow what others are doing just because it’s the hottest thing now — it’s not sustainable. Ask yourself,
   
   1. Is this what I really need?
   2. Will it add value to my work and life?
   3. What are the pros vs. the cons of doing this?
   Only do something if it’s what you need and it adds genuine value to your work and life. Just because others are doing something doesn’t mean you have to.
4. Improve your signal-to-noise ratio. The best way to manage distraction is not through discipline, but by managing the sources of distraction. When you are part of groups and newsletters that keep recommending new products, new offerings, it disrupts your focus and train of thought. You have to deal with the mental load of looking up each recommendation, assessing if it’s good for you, and making a decision about it. This is known as cognitive load, something that I mentioned in my How To Say No To Others podcast.
   
   Instead of filtering out noise which takes up precious mental energy, remove low-quality information sources. Evaluate your social media news feeds, Facebook group memberships, email subscriptions, and RSS feed subscriptions. What is your noise-to-signal ratio for each channel? Noise refers to information that’s irrelevant to you, while signal refers to information that’s useful and relevant. A high noise-to-signal ratio means the channel has a high proportion of unhelpful, irrelevant suggestions (noise) vs. helpful suggestions (signal). Unsubscribe from groups and newsletters with a high noise-to-signal ratio. Get your information from sources with a high signal-to-noise ratio instead.
5. Understand the concept of switching costs. Even though there are new tools released all the time, I only look into a new tool when (a) it has something that my current tools can’t provide, and/or (b) there are very strong reviews from multiple sources. Otherwise, I simply take a cursory glance at what’s available and return to my work priorities.
   
   One reason is that when you shop even though you don’t need anything, you’re invariably going to end up buying something. The second reason is switching costs, which are invisible costs incurred as a result of switching to something new. Switching costs can be monetary. They can be the time taken to learn a brand new system. They can also be the mental cost of changing your focus. When you keep switching to new ideas, new projects, and new tools, you are just incurring switching costs all day long and getting nothing done. Always factor such costs in when you are enticed by a new idea or tool.
6. Adopt a “wait and see” approach. When you’re unsure, it helps to adopt a “wait and see” approach. With rapid technological changes today, many tools tend to become obsolete after a couple of years. For example, many WordPress plugins are no longer supported or have died out. Products that claim to be the best often get replaced by better products one to two years later.
   
   My personal approach when I feel 50/50 about something is to wait and see. If it’s a new tool, I take the chance to look at the company’s background, preview the tool, and assess if I really need it. For new online tools, there are often integration issues and unknown bugs, and it can be costly to be an early adopter if you already have a live business with customers. Unless this is something that I need to use now and I have no other alternative, I find that “waiting and seeing” a much more prudent approach.
7. Differentiate between shiny objects and real opportunities. Last but not least, learn to differentiate between shiny objects and real opportunities. Shiny objects are things that look good and exciting, but are really distractions at the end of the day. There are many new products these days that look promising but don’t add value to your work and life. By the time you are done with it, you realize you have no need for that tool — after which you get distracted by another shiny object.
   
   Keep a watch out for real opportunities — and be ruthless in saying no to shiny objects. Real opportunities make a real impact in your work. For example, tools that dramatically improve your workflow. Tools that help you grow your business. Tools that help you better engage with customers. Tools that help you deliver better products and services.

Have you been distracted by shiny objects? It’s time to get your focus back on. Get clear on your big rock priorities, invest your 10,000 hours, and pursue ideas that make a real change. Let’s get a move on and work on our real priorities! :)

Read:

• How To Finish What You Start: 10 Important Tips
• How Social Media Creates a Fear of Missing Out (And What To Do About It) [Podcast]
• Busy vs. Productive: 7 Tips to Be Productive, Not Busy

Talent stack is a concept coined by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic. It’s the idea that you can combine normal skills until you have the right kind to be extraordinary.

An example is Scott himself. He’s not the best artist — there are better artists than him. He’s not much of a business expert — there are more savvy experts. He has never taken a college-level writing class. Yet, he created Dilbert, a famous comic strip that appears in 65 countries.^[1] Scott is said to have a net worth of $75 million, majority of which comes from Dilbert.^[2]

As he says, “When you add in my ordinary business skills, my strong work ethic, my risk tolerance, and my reasonably good sense of humor, I’m fairly unique. And in this case that uniqueness has commercial value.”

Understanding how a talent stack works is important. Normally, people think that success comes from developing talent in one skill. This works well in some fields. In medicine, the natural progression is to pick a specialty. In sports, you train to become best in your field, like Tiger Woods (golf) and Michael Jordan (basketball). In acting, you develop the best acting chops, like Robert De Niro and Morgan Freeman.

But besides becoming world-class in one skill, talent can come from having a unique stack of skills that no one else has. You can utilize different skills to create value in a way no one else can, thus becoming one-of-a-kind in your own league.

More Examples of Talent Stack

Lisa Elfridge is a celebrity make-up artist on YouTube. She was already known prior to starting her website and YouTube channel. But after she started her channel focusing on beauty and makeup tips, her authority and success rose to a whole new level.^[3]

Reason? She is one of her kind in her field.

• Celebrity makeup artists work with their clients for photo shoots, appearances. They don’t publish their work online. Most of their self-marketing happens offline, through networking, connections, etc.
• On the other hand, online makeup gurus generally show how they do their own makeup. But they are not professionally trained. They cannot give professional advice on what is the best makeup for different skin tones, or for skin that is not like theirs.

Lisa has a unique talent stack to navigate the ultra-competitive beauty space:

1. Makeup skills. She has professional makeup skills.
2. Industry knowledge. She has real experience working with celebrities.
3. Presentation skills. She communicates her makeup tips in an easy-to-understand way. White backdrop, no frills or production gimmicks. No music. Just her and her beauty tips.
4. Video creation skills. She knows how to create professional-looking videos, or at the least she hires people with the right skills.

People in the celebrity makeup world have the first two skills. Online makeup gurus have the latter two skills. But Lisa is able to harness all four skills, hence becoming extraordinary in her field. That’s her talent stack.

Example: Blogging

When I started my blog, I was not much of a writer — I have never taken a professional writing class. I have average web design skills. I have good marketing and business strategy skills. I have very strong analytical skills. And I have a strong passion for growth.

Put these together and I was able to create a coaching business that thrives despite stiff competition. My blend of skills is strong enough to stand out in the market:

1. Marketing and business strategy. Most web business owners do not have professional marketing knowledge. What was common sense to me, in marketing my business, was alien to everyone else. After entering the field, I realized no one really knew what they were doing in terms of business strategy and management. Many bloggers were just randomly blogging but no one was thinking about their blog as a strategic platform for their business, not until the 2010s when the commercial potential for blogging became obvious.
2. Design and coding. Many web business owners do not have web design or coding knowledge. In the end, they get stuck with technical issues as running a web business has become super complicated today. You can hire a designer but you get stuck in the to-and-fro and trying to convey your ideas to them. Even when paying high fees for good designers, there’s still a gap between intention and execution. And that’s not even talking about ongoing maintenance which is part of any website today.
3. Coaching. My coaching has a unique edge because I can analyze and break down intricate problems, with a focus on solving issues by tackling their root cause. On the other hand, most coaches provide surface solutions and some form of emotional support, but their clients continue to deal with the same problems becauss the root issue is never addressed.
4. Writing. I am an average writer, but at the very least my writing is passable and good enough for blog articles. I’m also constantly working on my writing skills.
5. Analytical skills. For everything else, my ability to learn and analyze things helps me fill the gap.

Since starting my blog, I have built new skills to further stand out from the competition: public speaking, podcasting, video editing, and networking skills. With a diverse mix of skills, I’m able to stay ahead despite constant market changes.

How a Talent Stack Works

A talent stack works in this way:

• You leverage on the skills that you have to create an edge. Marketing, networking, technical, design, etc.
• Even if you don’t have a skill, you can learn it to set yourself apart from others.
• You mix seemingly normal skills together and become extraordinary in your own right.

Example: Recruitment

Let’s say you are a software engineer. You are great in your field. You design and develop software with ease. However, you are stuck in a job that pays you almost the same amount every year.

Many software engineers are technically competent but lack the savviness to market themselves. They are simply not taught how to market themselves in engineering and computing classes. A possible talent stack here can be:

• Technical. You already have this skill if you’re a software developer.
• Networking. You form positive relationships with people across the organization. You have high visibility among the management. You form relationships with recruiters, headhunters, and peers in different industries to expand your job options. You know how to use Linkedin to connect with industry peers and get potential job offers.
• Presentation. You can present yourself well, and your ideas eloquently.
• Marketing. You know how to market yourself and sell your strengths. Your resume is filled with achievements but not responsibilities. You know how to present your skills and job history in the best way.

You don’t need to be the best in networking/presentation/marketing. Just knowing some networking, presentation, and marketing skills puts you at a sweet spot, ahead of others. Because everyone else (in your field) lacks these skills.

One of my recent clients is a technical developer. In the past year, he learned different technical skills (that are emerging in the market now) to widen his skills set. Doing so increased his appeal as a job candidate. At the same time, we worked on his self-marketing skills — giving his resume an overhaul, focusing on achievements rather than responsibilities, learning to position his skills and capabilities. He also began networking — with recruiters, headhunters, industry peers — to get himself out there.

In the end, he got a job offer that paid him 60% more than his previous job.

If he didn’t upgrade himself, chances of such an attractive job switch are virtually zero. He would be locked in his current company, subjected to the offer presented by his company. In fact this was what happened in his previous jobs. But because of his skill sets, he can navigate the industry easily and get the best offer. He’s not the best marketer. He’s not the best networker. But having decent skills in these are enough to put him ahead.

The goal of a talent stack is to stack different skills to create a sweet spot. A sweet point that dramatically raises your value in a competitive field. This applies whether you are a blogger, salaried employee, business owner, baker, software developer, coach, or something else.

3 Questions to You

My questions to you:

1. What industry are you in? Blogging? Health and fitness? IT? Coaching? Online business? YouTube? Others?
2. In your industry, what skills do people compete on?
3. Given that everyone has these skills in #2, what new skills can you learn to 10X your market value?

Another Example: Music

For example, electronic music tends to be very loud music that is used for raves, nightclubs, and festivals. Kitarō is different. He uses electronic and other instruments to create instrumental, East Asian music that is soothing and pleasing to the ear. In the American music industry, his music is a refreshing change.

He is not the best synthesizer player. He’s not the best flute player or drummer. But his ability to integrate western style of music with eastern elements makes him one of the most prominent musical acts of New-Age music, with more than 100 million copies of his 50 albums sold worldwide.^[4] Kitarō’s talent stack lies in his synthesizer skills, his general knowledge in music (self-taught), his familiarity with the Eastern culture (he was born into a family of Shinto-Buddhist farmers), and his connection with nature (he lives in the mountains to get inspiration for his music).^[5][6][7]

Wrapping Up

What new skills can you learn? If you have absolutely no idea what to learn, some true-north skills that are great for stacking are:

• Public speaking
• Marketing
• Coding (Because the world today is so digitized)
• Social media marketing
• Business management
• Whatever you are passionate about

Again, you don’t need to be the best in every skill. Simply learning a new skill opens up so many options. For some, learning and combining different skills may be the answer to discover your passion and talent — rather than something that you discover by sitting around and waiting for life to happen.

Read:

• What To Do When You Have Too Many Passions
• Skills Development
• The Market Leader Effect

(Image)

“Dear Celes, I have been wanting to reach out to you for a long time, you were always one of my top mentors and it’s really amazing the sheer volume of things you have done and accomplished in your business and life. I have always wanted to have my own business and this year I finally quit my job so that I can focus on doing it once and for all.

The problem is, I have no income now (no surprise), and searching for another job is probably going to start the whole cycle of not being able to do much on my business again. My ex-company is kind enough to offer me freelance jobs, however, the rates are not superb and I’m worried that I might need to always check my inbox and spend way too much time on those freelance gigs. Plus I really don’t align with them. But it seems the safest way to get some income for now. What should I do?

Thank you and love you.” — Increa7

Hi Increa7, thank you so much for your kind words! :D I’m really happy for you that you’ve taken action to focus on your business. Yet, you are right — the state of not having income can be an unnerving one. So what should you do?

Whether you should earn side income (or even look for a new job) while in the process of building up your business really depends on the following:

1. How much you need this money
2. Whether earning the money will make a difference (to you)
3. Whether you can create more value by spending this time on your business or the side job

What do I mean?

1. How much you need this money refers to your financial status. How long your current savings can last you till. Your comfort level before you feel that you need to look for a job. For some people it’s $1,000 in savings; for others they may feel like they need to look for a job when they dip below $10,000 in savings. This is a personal figure.
2. Whether earning the money will make a difference. Perhaps you don’t really need the side income but you feel disturbed by a decreasing bank balance. Earning some side income will give you emotional relief.
3. Whether you can create more value on your business or the side job. While starting a new business, not all our time spent will be productive. Maybe some of this time can be better spent by gaining experience or building your portfolio in a different job / side job, in a way that helps with your business. Or earning side income that can be used to grow your business.

When I started Personal Excellence in 2008, I decided to earn some side income (as a private tutor) after two months. Why? I didn’t have any financial trouble and my savings would last me for another 1.5 to 2 years, at least. I did this to err on the side of caution, because I wasn’t sure when I was going to earn my first dollar. While I had a goal and a plan, I was in a totally new industry, and let’s not kid anyone — anything from absolute success to absolute failure could happen. I knew that I was going to achieve results as long as I stuck to my strategy and plan, but it wasn’t 100% clear when these results would appear.

So as contingency, I sought out some side income. Nothing that required major time, just some simple tutoring assignments. There was no learning curve as I already gave private tuition back in school. By doing so, I was able to put my fears to rest. Even though I was just earning a few hundred dollars a month, at least I knew that I was having some income coming in. I was still having a net decrease in my bank balance each month, but I knew that I could easily increase it by take up more tutoring assignments when needed. I was simply minimizing my risks so that I could work on my business without worry (because we all know how helpful worrying is).

In the end, doing so helped me put my 100% into PE without reservation, and was possibly one of the reasons why things took off so quickly. I quit my side job after 2-3 months because I was already earning money through my business, and every hour spent on my side job was more costly than useful. Working on my side job also gave me exposure to different situations (coaching different kids) which gave me ideas and inspiration for my work.

I do feel that if I hadn’t had side income coming in, I wouldn’t be as bold and fearless in my endeavor. I would still be taking lots of action of course, but second guessing and worrying at each turn, wondering when I was going to earn money, etc. It was by creating contingency plans (getting side income; ensuring I had job options if I were to return to work), and allaying my fears, that I was able to 100% commit, without fear or doubt, to my business plan. And this confidence (along with persistence, hard work) was very important in helping me succeed. After all, when you walk into something with fear, you bring fearful vibes with you, which affects your actions and results.

3 Questions if You’re Considering a Side Job

For you Increa7, if you are considering a side job, there are 3 factors you can look at:

1. Does this side job require a high investment of time? Ideally you want a low investment but high payoff option. Just put in the hours, get the money, and move on and work on your business. Even if the earnings are not high, that’s okay — you are not doing this forever. It should be worth your time, in that you can’t earn this $$ by spending this same amount of time on your business.
2. Do I need this money? Even if for emotional relief, if it gives you a peace of mind, then it’s worth pursuing.
3. Does this side job move me closer to my vision? Will it help you learn skills, gain experience, or build connections that will help you in your business?

It sounds like working for your ex-company (freelancing) will satisfy #1 (low investment of time) and #2 (meets a need), but not really #3 (relevance to your business). And that’s fine as I don’t think a side gig needs to fulfill all criteria. It is, after all, just a side gig to tide you through. Your main objective is to succeed in your business and to earn a living from it. Everything else you do is to help you move forward to your final goal.

Of course, if you can pick and choose assignments that fit your goals, that would be great. You can also let your ex-company know your preference, and perhaps work something out. Or you can use this freelance job as a temporary solution, and shift to a different side job later if you come across a better opportunity. But you shouldn’t spend a huge amount of time finding or making your side job happen, unless you really need the money.

In the meantime, keep your mind sharp on the end goal — to make money in your business. As you work on your business, hopefully you will start to earn some income — $1, $100, $200, $500. Soon, your time taken away from your business to do the side gig is not worth the money you earn from the side job anymore. Soon, you will find that you gain more by spending this time on your business rather than your side job. That’s when you can ween off your side job assignments and spend more time on your business, to the point where you can stop working on the side altogether. :)

Setting a Cutoff

Finally, what will help is (1) to set a cutoff on the number of hours you are willing to put aside to earn side income, and (2) to recognize that the side job as simply what it is — a side job.

On (1), having a cutoff helps you limit the hours you spend on the side gig, so that you don’t divert too much. Let’s say you are willing to spend only 10 hours a week on this side job — keep to this number. Take up assignments that will match this amount of time, and stop once you’ve met your quota. Spend the rest of your time on your business. Use time management strategies to maximize your time.

On (2), sometimes we may feel discouraged when we don’t get as much income as we did before. But this is pointless because it is not an apple-to-apple comparison. The point of the side job is to tide us over and bleed less in expenses each month. It is not a source of profit or massive profit. Your end goal is to succeed in your business. So keep your eyes on the final prize.

Remember that you quit your day job because you didn’t have the time to fully focus on your business. Yet at the same time, working on your business fully at the start can be unnerving since there is $0 in earnings. The side job is to make this transition less jarring — by giving you a little income, not a lot but enough to cover simple expenses, and most importantly still give you some time/freedom to work on your business.

At every step of the way, your goal should be to find new strategies to grow your business, get the word out about your business, and start earning your first dollar (from your business) by giving great value to your customers/clients.

I’ve written a lot on earning money with your passion/business in my passion series, so do check that out. My post on The Passion, Market, Skills Framework will also be important.

All the best Increa7, and I wish you godspeed in your business journey! :)

Announcement: New Release of Be a Better Me in 30 Days!

After many months of hard work, I’ve finally launched the upgraded version of Be a Better Me in 30 Days, my 30-day character transformation program! The material has been hugely upgraded, with the guidebook expanding from 230 pages to 308 pages, over 100 participant verbatims added in, workbook updated, and many parts rewritten.

For those of you who have purchased/upgraded, thank you! I love reading updates from you guys, and here’s a lovely note from Sarah who did 30BBM way back in 2012:

Dear Celes, thank you so much! I just bought the new edition. Last night I re-read my whole 30BBM workbook from 2012. So much has changed since then! I completed my PhD, married my boyfriend whom I mentioned so much in my previous 30BBM run, and have had a very happy few years working in university teaching and researching in Japan and then again back home in the UK. I can’t wait to start 30BBM again as I work on my next challenge — securing a permanent job in a very unstable sector. Thank you, Celes. :)

1. If you haven’t gotten the program, read about 30BBM here, read the FAQs, or head straight to checkout.
2. For recent customers, I’ve sent out the email on how to get the upgraded version of 30BBM on Aug 1. Check your mailbox for the email titled: “New Release: Be a Better Me in 30 Days.” If it’s not in your inbox, please check your spam folder.
3. For the 30DLBL & 30BBM buyers who have purchased the 30DLBL upgrade, I said to reply to the email thread from last December — apologies as the email is no longer functional. Simply reach us here with the required details!

Thank you to everyone who has purchased the upgraded 30BBM — enjoy the program and your character transformation journey! Any questions on 30BBM, let me know here!

(Click image for larger version (Infographic by Funders and Founders))

Breaking it down,

• Steven Spielberg was rejected by the University of Southern California Film School 3 times. He eventually attended another school, only to drop out and become a director. He returned school to earn his BA 35 years later.^[1]
• Productivity guru Tim Ferris was rejected by publishers 25 times for his book The 4-Hour Workweek. It went on to become a New York Times’ Best Seller, as has his next two books The 4-Hour Body and The 4-Hour Chef.^[2]
• Founder of Pandora, Tim Westergren, was rejected by over 300 VCs when pitching for funding. The company spent 2.5 years broke. To compensate for the lack of funds, Westergren worked for free and convinced others to do the same.^[3]
• Richard Branson launched 400 companies before founding one that is out of this world (Virgin Galactic). As with any successful entrepreneur, he has failed in many businesses from Virgin Cola to Virgin Brides to Virgin Cars to Virgin Clothing to Virgin Cosmetics.^[4][5] Bet you didn’t know that Branson launched a cosmetics company before, did you? He even started a condoms company in 1987 (which he sold a year later) that has become big in the UK!
• Colonel Sanders was rejected 1,009 times when trying to sell his fried chicken recipe.^[6] As we all know, KFC is a world-renowned franchise today and likely inspired the launch of other fried chicken companies. I share more of Colonel’s story here (see point #7).
• Sylvester Stallone was rejected 1,500 times when he tried selling his script and himself for what would be the film Rocky. Stallone suffers from partial paralysis in his face which made it difficult for him to get casted in an industry that’s all about looks. Today, Rocky is one of the most successful film series of all time, grossing more than US $1 billion.^[7][8]
• James Dyson, founder of the Dyson, created 5,126 times failed prototypes of his vacuum cleaner before succeeding. Today, Dyson sells machines in over 70 countries and employs more than 7,000 people worldwide.^[9]
• And you probably know this one: Thomas Edison created 10,000 failed prototypes of his electric bulb before succeeding. As he famously said,
  

  “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

It is easy to ignore the hard work and failures that winners experienced in their success as they may seem uncool or unsexy.

But failure is part and parcel of success. Failure is where we learn about ourselves and ways that don’t work. Failure is where we become more intelligent and gain more experience and understand the gaps in our skills. Failure is where we move closer to success.

Meaning… to succeed fast,

1. Learn to fail. Fast. Take action. Try different things. Bad ideas, good ideas; it don’t matter. Just put yourself out THERE.
2. Then, learn from these failures. Be curious. Understand what worked and what didn’t work.
3. Fix the issues that didn’t work and revise your strategy.
4. Then, try again.

The more you fail, the more experienced you are. The more experienced you are, the smarter you become. The smarter you become, the higher your chances of success. And in a matter of time, you will reach your desired goal.

Read:

• How To Start When You Have Nothing
• The 21-Day Incubation Period
• The Power of Little Changes

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people” is a quote often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, an American activist. What does it mean?

Let’s start by defining “ideas,” “events,” and “people” first.

• Discussing people means talking about a person, typically in a negative, gossipy way.
• Discussing events means talking about current events, such as local news or events happening around the world.
• Discussing ideas means talking about higher-level messages and concepts. Understanding the messages behind an event, dissecting human thought and behavior, looking beyond what’s there, and finding solutions to help the world.

Small Minds Discuss People

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When the quote says “Small minds discuss people,” it means that people who discuss others as an end in itself are small-minded and shallow.

Unfortunately, a large segment of the media and our population today dedicate themselves to discussing people. We have tabloid magazines, celebrity gossip sites, and people who follow celebrity gossip like it’s the central goal in their lives. Office politics happen in many places, with co-workers who backstab and badmouth others. Even politicians from wealthy, developed nations make personal attacks and conduct smear campaigns in their political campaigns today. Online, we see people shaming or attacking other people from time to time, with others supporting such behavior and joining the attack rather than taking the high ground.

Average Minds Discuss Events

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The next part of the quote is “Average minds discuss events.”

When you switch from discussing people to events, there is an improvement because you stop talking about people but instead focus on events. There is an element of objectivity as you’re now looking at hard facts and figures. You also become more informed about what’s happening in the world.

Yet it is a fallacy to think that simply discussing events makes us smarter.

Firstly, many news stories (depending on where you live) are heavily censored according to the news media’s ideology and alliances. There are many countries where the government controls the media. Powerful corporations often have the same people sitting on their boards as the boards of media outlets. So when you read the “news,” you’re really reading news that has been curated to fit what the news outlet wants you to know, along with cherry-picked information and statistics. Something to consider when you think that you’re being educated by a particular news outlet — it’s likely that they are shaping your thinking to fit what they want you to think.

Secondly, news media tend to sensationalize and report on the most shocking stuff. In internet terms, it’s called “clickbait.” As the saying goes, “When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news.” Hence, even though there are one billion possible things to report on each day, including countless positive stories and consciousness-raising events, the stories that a news outlet reports on are rarely the most important, most positive, or most enriching, but rather some of the most negative, outrageous, and fear-based stories you can ever find.

Thirdly, even though we may be shocked by a grisly murder that just happened, we have to bear in mind that murders, crimes, and even war happen every single day. But when you read the news, your attention gets directed to that one crime or that one murder. Or when a news channel repeatedly highlights the crimes and disasters that happen in a country, perhaps for political purposes, it creates the notion that the place is highly unsafe, when 99.999% of its people get by perfectly safely each day.

In the process of being caught in fear, anger, or shock, we miss the bigger picture. The irony is that by thinking that we are educating ourselves by reading the news, we are isolating our minds and forming an extremely skewed image of the world based on what the news outlet is telling us. We are associating life with fear and terror, yet missing the whole point which is, “How can we solve the issues that we see?”

Great Minds Discuss Ideas

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This brings us to the last point, “Great minds discuss ideas.”

As someone becomes more curious about the world and looks beyond what’s immediately visible, they start to talk about not just people or events, but ideas. For example:

• Why people do the things they do. What drives them.
• Why events like murder, mass shootings, war, and crimes happen. What we can do to prevent such violence.
• How we can uplift others.
• How we can improve as people.
• World issues, because we’re not just citizens of a country but the world.
• Whether the direction we’re moving in, as a society and as a world, is good for us.
• How to improve the world.

Discussing ideas means not just taking what is presented to you at face value, but digging deeper. Understanding root causes of events. Understanding how something came to be. Questioning assumptions. Identifying solutions.

The quote “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people” is of course meant as a generalization. People and events are often proxies to discuss ideas. We look upon people like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., Buddha, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, and Oprah Winfrey as inspirational figures for change. We discuss people as a way to understand each other. Discussing events helps us grow in awareness; current affairs are a way to learn about the world. If something just happened in my life and I share this with a friend, that’s part of conversation, of relating to each other.

The problem comes when we talk about people or events as an end to themselves. This quote reminds us that when we bad-mouth others, gossip, or follow the news reactively, it doesn’t bring us anywhere. Complaining or chit-chatting about people/events endlessly will not change our lives or make us smarter.

But by focusing on understanding ideas and creating solutions for change, it will. Assuming that we act on them of course.

How To Have a Great Mind: 8 Tips

This means:

1. Understand the root cause. Dig deep to understand what lies beneath the surface.
2. Expand your mind. Don’t just follow the news blindly. There is a world of information out there. Expand your mind to soak in information from all sources, from Wikipedia (which can be biased but it’s a good start) to different news sites to YouTube commentary channels to books on Amazon and Kindle. Expose yourself to different points of views. Once you do that, you’ll realize how certain news media can be biased and narrow in scope.
3. Stay away from gossip. Even though people may gossip about you, it doesn’t mean that you need to gossip about them. Take the high ground and focus on helping those who care about you instead.
4. Focus on the issue, not the person. If you don’t like what your boss, co-worker, or friend did, focus on the issue, not the person. Give constructive criticism without attacking someone. Read: How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
5. Seek out those with intelligent opinions. Follow them. Read their updates to learn from their way of thinking. Bookmark articles that get you thinking. Reading an intelligent article 10 times is better than reading 20 low-level news stories any day.
6. Recognize and understand world issues. We’re not just a citizen of our country but the world. Climate change is real. So is the absurd amount of waste we produce daily and the immense pollution we generate as a result. Same for cruelty in the meat industry. While these issues may not affect us directly yet, we need to draw the link between our daily actions and such global issues, because there is a link. As conscious beings, there comes a point when we need to think about life beyond us, because at the end of the day, the world is ours to care for and protect.
7. Don’t talk about events as an end to itself. Understand them. Why is this event happening? When did it first start? What’s causing it? What can we do about it? For example, if there’s a mass shooting, beyond getting horrified, think about what you can do to change things. If you see news on a suicide, don’t just react and talk about it as conversation fodder, but learn more about the causes, overall statistics surrounding this, and why people in the modern world today are turning to suicide despite having the facilities and resources that people in undeveloped countries don’t. Dig in to understand patterns, rationales, and root causes.
8. Focus on solutions. Finally, identify solutions. Find ways to change the world in a positive way. What can you do about the problems you see today? What can you do to help others, make an impact, and save the world? Read: One Man’s Impact On The World

Reflect on what you talk about daily:

1. Do you tend to discuss people, events, or ideas?
2. How can you spend more time discussing ideas on how you can improve your life, help others, and change the world?

Check out:

• You Are The Average Of The 5 People You Spend The Most Time With
• Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise

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Here are the different stages of this journey:

1. “This is the best idea ever!!” — When you just come up with a new goal
2. “This will be fun” — Getting started…
3. “This is harder than I thought” — Taking the first few steps
4. “This is going to be a lot of work” — Getting into the thick of things…
5. “This sucks I have no idea what I’m doing” — When you realize that this is harder than you thought
6. “#%@}!!!!!!!!!!!” — When you’ve invested way too much time and energy into this, but things aren’t turning out the way you want
7. “Ok but it still sucks” — When you see some results, but there’s still much to be done
8. “Quick, let’s call it a day and say we learned something” — When you feel like giving up
9. “Hmm…”
10. “Hey!”
11. “Wow” — #9 to #11: The Creation Process™
12. “This is one of the things I am most proud of” — Reaching the finishing line!

Having completed several book projects before, I can relate to this.

The contrast between Stages #1 and #5 is normal as many people severely underestimate the work needed for a goal. It’s only when we start working on it that we realize it’s not as easy as it seems.

Stage #6 is what I call development hell. This is when you are deep in the goal and experiencing all the difficulties and challenges. You have to really push through to get past this stage. This is also when you decide if you really want this enough to continue.

There are mentions of “Belief/Persistence” and “Family+Humour,” which are important factors to get you through this journey. Having the belief and persistence to tackle the obstacles. Having the support of loved ones and being able to laugh when the going gets tough.

As you can see, most people start off optimistic about their goals, but experience self-doubt or even think about giving up when they face one hurdle after another. I have gone through this before, especially in book writing.

If you’re working on a goal (such as an app, a book, or a business) and facing a roadblock, know that you’re not alone. Here are my tips to push through:

1. Understand that the effort to create anything great is often 100-1000X of what people think. The difficulty you’re facing is not specific to you but something everyone faces. The people who can get past the dark swamp are those who reach the other end.
2. Create a plan to address the obstacles. What’s blocking you now? How can you address it? Can you get help? Can you join a peer group or consult someone?
3. Break your goal down into milestones. Then, break each milestone into little steps. Focus on just one step at a time.
4. Get support. Is there anyone you can consult or connect with? If not, can you get emotional support, say from family and friends?
5. Take a few steps back. Things can seem disastrous when we are working on a goal, but that’s because we’re looking too closely and lacking a big picture. Go back to the drawing board. Ask yourself, Why am I working on this? Why is this important to me?
6. Don’t forget self-care. This goes out of the window when we’re working on a goal, but you need to rest and care for yourself to get anywhere far.

If something doesn’t seem to be working, review and change your approach. Be okay to change your goal if it’s not working for you; there’s nothing wrong with that.

Hang in there, we’re all in this together!

Read:

• 6 Tips To Get Through Development Hell
• How To Overcome Writer’s Block [Podcast]
• The Power of Little Changes

Note: I didn’t create this infographic and couldn’t find the source, so if you know the original creator, let me know.

Today’s episode is one that you must listen if you have intentions to start your blog, online business, YouTube channel, or any online venture, be it now or in the future.

After seeing all the “make money online” and “start your online business” hype, I decided to create this to share some of the realities of running an online business that many of the “gurus” do not talk about today, or at best scantly touch on as they paint a fancy picture of the riches and freedom to be gained online.

This episode is longer than usual but that’s because it’s packed full of insider tips. In short, the online marketing / blogging / “start your online business” / “lifestyle design” circuit has become more like a Ponzi scheme, and I share many tips to put you on the right track. If you have no intentions of starting a blog / online business, this episode won’t be relevant to you. But if you know anyone who is planning to enter the online arena, please share this with them. You will save them many months of pain, time wasted, and running around in circles.

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, learn

• 5 harsh truths about blogging / starting your online business
• 6 tips for those of you who wish to start a blog / online business (or are already blogging)
• The saturation of the online space and what that means for you as a blogger / online business owner
• Why you should be skeptical about fancy claims about the online world, including supposed riches, quick traffic gains, and snazzy pictures of people seemingly earning good money
• The evolution of the web from 1990s to early 2000s, to mid-2000s and late 2000s, and to present stage 2010s
• The real nature and setup of many successful internet businesses today that you don’t see as a layman visitor
• The difference between “barriers to entry” and “barriers to success” online, and why you should be concerned with the latter
• The invisible “competitive edges” that online businesses today have (i.e. why it’s naive or unrealistic to expect quick results online)
• The reality and nature of the technical work that will come as a result of running an online business—and how starting a simple blog is totally different from running a full-fledged online business
• A list of the many technical tasks that I do at PE every month (but aren’t visible/obvious)
• The reality of online noise—negative comments and spam—and examples of the kind of noise I deal with (and examples of hate mail I receive, here and here)
• Underappreciation and the problem of being taken for granted as an online content creator
• Long-term vs. Short-term: my recommendation on the kind of mindset to adopt as you venture online
• My 3 tips for creating a solid plan for your online success
• Why you should be cautious about the online marketing / “make money online” / “start your online business” space, and my recommendations for free resources for blogging
• The importance of experimenting and doing lousy work vs. waiting
• Possible loneliness from running an online business and my tips for that

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

5 Harsh Truths About Blogging (And 6 Tips to Start an Online Business)

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

Related Resources:

• Stop Looking For a Magic Bullet For Your Goals
• Can Everyone Be Successful in Starting Their Business?
• How To Discover Your Life Purpose (series)
• How To Overcome Perfectionism (series)
• Skills Development
• The Day I Quit My Job to Pursue My Passion: 6 Things to Do Before You Quit Your Job
• How To Pursue Your Passion (series)
• Free, high-quality blogging resources. Check out and immerse in the free stuff first; don’t jump into the paid stuff in this industry unless you’ve done your due research, as most of the paid stuff in this industry is junk and will not give you easy success/ riches unlike what they may claim:
  • Quick Sprout (by Neil Patel)
  • Psycho Tactics (by Sean D’Souza)
  • Problogger (more for beginner bloggers)

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(Click image for larger version (Infographic by Business Insider))

My favorite ones are saying no (#11), helping others (#9), stretching and moving around (#5), and being grateful (#16).

Just saying no has helped me regain hundreds of hours that I’ve been able to devote to my Q2 activities.

Helping others energizes me — even when I’m very busy, I try to find a time pocket to do a kind deed for someone, including giving a simple email reply with advice — and that perks me up after that.

Stretching is super important — given that my work is all digital, I take frequent breaks and walk around as much as I can during my non-work hours.

And gratitude allows me to constantly remember how lucky I am to have what I have and appreciate the good things in life. 

What do you do at the start of your workday? :) Any tips above that you can incorporate in your own workday? Check out my resources on creating your best routine:

• Is Your Routine Empowering You?
• Do You Have a Morning Ritual?
• Live a Better Life in 30 Days, Day 9: Evaluate Your Routines

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When we live in a world that’s driven by money, businesses tend to make decisions that generate the most profit, rather than create the most value for people.

For example, milk chocolate companies spend millions on advertising and getting people to eat their chocolates, even though their products are filled with sugar at the end of the day. Selling candy bars is great for profit because sugar is addictive, but they are ultimately detrimental to our health, with high sugar intake being linked to elevated heart disease and stroke.^[1]

Soda companies sell soda drinks which contribute to tooth decay and diabetes These drinks are highly profitable since, again, sugar is addictive, but they don’t add to our health — they subtract from it.

Fast-fashion companies create huge waste as they produce new clothes every season and market them as the latest fashion (how many clothes does one need, realistically?).^[2] Telling people to buy more and more clothes is definitely more profitable than telling them that they are already beautiful as themselves, which doesn’t generate high repeat sales.

Likewise, online, social media sites like Facebook design their platforms with dark patterns to build addiction at the expense of the user’s productivity and well-being.^[3][4][5] Netflix CEO Reed Hastings once said that sleep, which is a basic human need, is their competition:

“You get a show or a movie you’re really dying to watch and you end up staying up late at night, so we actually compete with sleep. And we’re winning!” — Netflix CEO, Reed Hastings^[6]

Yet there’s a difference between earning profit as a result of adding value to the customer’s life, and earning profit at the expense of your customers.

• Earning profit at the expense of your customers = Selling junk food and damaging your customers’ health
• Earning profit as a result of adding real value = Selling nutrient-rich, whole food that adds to your customers’ health
• Earning profit at the expense of your customers = Social media sites using hacks and addictive design elements to keep users on their sites longer, causing user fatigue
• Earning profit as a result of adding real value = Improving users’ lives through meaningful content

Some questions to think about as a business owner:

• Do you focus on your customers as the priority in your business?
• Is your product or service something the world really needs? Or is it a nice-to-have?
• Does your product or service add value to your customer’s life? Does it improve their health/ relationships/ career/ well-being/ <insert life area>?
• Does your product or service subtract from your customer’s life? When they use it, does it worsen their health, relationships, well-being, or other areas of their life?

A profits-at-all-costs approach may seem logical as the ultimate goal of a business is to, well, earn a profit.

But businesses that generate profits at all costs, at the expense of the user’s well-being, will eventually drive away their users. That’s because the users will realize that the business is not good for them, and its products and services don’t really serve them.

On the other hand, there is the value-centered approach where you think about your business with your users in mind first. What do they need? What betters their lives? Is this really the right thing for them?

Here, you focus on (1) creating value for your customers and (2) earning profit from the quality products you create, while preserving the integrity of your business. Not earning profits at all costs, not pushing for sales at the expense of your customers, and certainly not creating products that have a negative value for them. Profit comes as a result of creating high-value products that genuinely improve your customers’ lives — be it happiness, health, productivity, career, or relationships.

A value-centered approach is a win-win for everyone: you and your customers. It may look like a lose-win initially (lose for you), but it’s not. When you have your customers’ needs in mind, they know you care about them. They stick with you and your business because they know your products work and benefit them.

A profit-at-all-costs approach is a lose-lose. While it may start off as a win for you, it’s a lose for your customers and eventually becomes a lose-lose as customers boycott businesses that do not have their best interests at heart.

Here are some examples of how to really create value for customers:

• Instead of selling yet another unhealthy dessert, sell food that’s nutritious and wholesome, and that customers want to eat.
• Instead of getting customers to buy things to feel good about themselves, help them recognize the beauty that’s already in them.
• Instead of finding ways to make your readers stay on your site for an unnaturally long time, think about how you can positively change their lives, and let them decide the optimal time to stay on your site.

When we start focusing on people as people rather than serving our self-interests (or investors’ or shareholders’ interest), that’s when we truly benefit society as a whole. We start to truly better people’s lives and raise their consciousnesses, and attract a loyal following and earn a profit as a natural result. That’s when we truly create an impact in the world.

Have you ever had moments when you wished you spoke up and asserted yourself, but you didn’t? Do you feel difficulty asserting yourself sometimes?

I feel this way too sometimes. In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, learn

• 5 tips to build your courage to be assertive without being aggressive
• Why being assertive doesn’t mean you stop being nice [02:21]
• Why being assertive is not the same as being aggressive [03:21]
• 2 key differences between being assertiveness and aggressiveness [4:08]
• The value of your voice [04:56]
• An incident where I got molested and didn’t assert myself, and why I should have [05:54]
• 3 questions to ask yourself in determining whether to assert yourself [10:49]
• An alternate approach for people who assert too much [11:38]
• Why you shouldn’t just “wait” when it comes to high-level career questions like promotion plan and salary rise [12:19]
• Dealing with a parent who keeps pushing their views on you [13:45]
• The face-saving culture and being sensitive to people’s feelings when asserting [15:39]
• What I do when I have disruptive course participants [16:42]
• Using I-statements vs. You-statements [18:20]
• 3 differences between I-statements and You-statements, and why I-statements are better when it comes to asserting yourself or in conflicts [19:36]
• Example of I-statements in a conflict with your partner [22:00]
• Focus on the positive in conversations [23:52]
• How to talk to your boss if you’re facing heavy workload [24:59]
• How to assert to a difficult co-worker [26:09]
• The importance of win-win and how to involve others [28:18]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

How To Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

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Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

How To Be Assertive, Not Aggressive [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone, welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 9, this is Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

Today we have a question from reader Saim, who wants to know, how can you be more assertive and stay humble and polite at the same time? So let’s hear from him first.

Hi Celes, this is Saim from Pakistan. For the last 6 years, I’ve been working in Saudi Arabia in a multinational company. Some of my friends recommended me the Personal Excellence website and shared with me some free ebooks from PE. And then I logged on to the website, and I’ve been reading your articles, courses, so much stuff for the last 6 months. It’s really quite interesting and I really appreciate that. It has been helping me excel in my job.

The question I want to ask is, ‘How to be assertive?’ As a person, I’m humble and polite. But there are many situations in the workplace where we need to be assertive instead of being aggressive. I want to know and would appreciate if you can answer through the podcast in details on how to be assertive and techniques to do so.

Hey Saim, thank you so much for your question. Unfortunately, the question got cut off because there is an audio limit for the clips. The good thing is we got to hear your question: How can you be assertive while still remaining humble and polite at the same time?

So firstly, I just want to thank you for reading PE. And I want to thank your friends for recommending PE to you. Your support really means the world to me.

Now I want to make two quick points before I jump into the tips.

Fact #1: Being assertive doesn’t mean you stop being nice

The first thing is you mentioned that you’re humble and polite, which is a great thing. A lot of us are probably worried that when we try to be assertive, we stop being nice. For most of us here, we probably have core values of compassion, being nice to others, being sensitive, and being there for people. And maybe we feel that when we try to articulate our needs, we may come across as pushy. Maybe people don’t like that or they feel that we’re being arrogant.

It’s a common misconception. Being assertive doesn’t necessarily mean that you stop being humble, polite, or nice. It’s about how you assert yourself and I want to share some tips later on how we can be assertive and not come across as an ass.

Fact #2: Difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness

The second point is about assertive vs. aggressive. I love that you are asking how to be assertive without being aggressive. Because there is a distinction between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

When you are assertive, you are voicing your opinions and needs in a positive way while working with others to achieve a common goal. On the other hand, aggressiveness is when you make your point and force it across without consideration of other people’s opinions or feelings. Some people may even attack or ignore other peoples opinions, feelings, and needs altogether.

Here there are two big differences:

1. Assertiveness is the articulation of your needs in a positive way, whereas aggressiveness is negative.
2. Assertiveness is where you acknowledge that people have needs and you want to work with them to understand their needs and achieve this common goal. Whereas aggressiveness, you don’t really consider that people have their own opinions, boundaries, and needs. You don’t respect that either. You just want to push your point across.

In today’s podcast, I want to share several tips on how to be assertive without being aggressive. These tips apply to different contexts be it work or relationships, and it’s about tweaking them to fit your situation.

1) Recognize the value of your voice

My first tip is to recognize the value of your voice.

I find that a lot of us don’t speak up often because maybe we feel that we have to say isn’t important. Maybe people don’t care, or people don’t want to hear what we have to say, or what we’re gonna say isn’t going to make a difference or add any value.

But there is value in your voice, in your opinions, and what you like to share, and it is important to recognize that. No matter the problem you’re facing, if it’s bothering you, then people need to know. Because if you don’t voice it out, nobody’s ever going to know that and you’ll just be suffering in silence, which is not a good thing in the long run.

Example: When I got molested

An example where I didn’t assert myself would be years ago when I was traveling in the U.S., when I was molested. I shared about this at personalexcellence.co/blog/molestation/. There was this guy brazenly touching my thighs and it was in a train carriage where there were tons of people. Now it was at night and everyone was seated. So it wasn’t visible to other people except me.

When I experienced that, I was shocked obviously. How could someone be audaciously doing this in public and behaving as if it was okay? I tried to move away, doing all the indirect actions to convey rejection. But the guy persisted.

This was obviously the point when I should have called for help. But what stopped me included the fear of embarrassment, fear of people not believing me, not being able to get help, or even being accused of creating a ruckus or falsely accusing someone. And I was in a foreign setting, and not knowing what the locals are like, whether they would believe me, a foreigner.

So I stood up, got out of the carriage, and went to a different place on the train where I slept for the night safely and that guy didn’t follow me.

So at the very least, I protected myself. At that time, I was just in my mid-20s. Right after the incident when I blogged about it, I mentioned that if that situation were to repeat, I clearly in hindsight would report him or call for help and let it be known.

Now, let’s put this situation into context.

1. On the whole, I got away safely. So that was no “damage” or harm done to me.
2. I also avoided any public embarrassment because my approach was conflict-avoiding. And I think that is the underlying essence of many incidences when we don’t assert ourselves — it’s to avoid conflict.

But if we look at it in a different context, regarding the first tip to recognize the value of your voice — there is value in my voice. That was value in me asserting myself there and then.

By asserting myself, I would have called out that molester’s actions. There could well be criminals and molesters who perpetuate their crimes simply because they were never called out for what they did. They become more brazen in their crimes and offenses. And it just snowballs and becomes bigger.

So there is value in me asserting, in that it would have called out that person’s actions and driven awareness [of the offense]. Maybe the person would be let off, but at least it’s the first step towards ensuring that such issues don’t happen (again). In terms of sending a message to that molester and also sending a message out to the other people in the carriage. Maybe they see this issue being called out and they know that if this happens to them or they see this happening to others, how they should behave.

Example: Workplace

A different example, let’s say in a workplace context, where you are mistaken for something you didn’t do.

Let’s say you choose not to talk about it. And then over time, you start to become resentful. What’s going to happen when you feel resentful? The quality of your work may suffer, even if you don’t try to do that. Some of us may still give our best performance but this underlying resentment will naturally seep in and cause certain negative behaviors or passive-aggressive behaviors.

Example: Relationship

And then in a relationship setting. Let’s say you’re unhappy with your partner, but you don’t speak up about that. That naturally will cause unhappiness. Because if you are unhappy, that’s going to spill over to your partner and eventually him/her is going to be unhappy, and both of you wouldn’t be able to soar to your greatest heights.

The point is that when you don’t assert yourself and you just bottle things in, it drains your lifeforce and emotions, which affects your ability to be there for others. 

I have some questions for you. If there’s a situation where you are fearful of asserting yourself, ask yourself:

1. Will I be depriving another person or the group at large if I don’t share this input?
2. Will I become resentful if I don’t air this thought?
3. Will I be depriving myself of my needs by keeping quiet?

If your answer is yes to any of the above, there is value in asserting your voice and other people can gain something out of this.

Now there is the alternate situation where someone is constantly asserting themselves. Like someone who is very very confident and sure of themselves, constantly asserting themselves. Then, a different approach is necessary, where you need to weigh out the pros vs. cons of voicing out in every situation. I share more about this in my article, How to Choose Your Battles, that you can read at personalexcellence.co/blog/choose-your-battles/

2) Create the right context to speak

My second tip is to create the right context to speak.

Let’s say you want to talk to your boss about your promotion or salary negotiation. If you’re not assertive, probably you’ll just keep waiting and waiting, hoping your boss will bring it up one day. But it never comes up. Clearly, when you passively wait for the context to appear, it may not work in your favor.

Proactively create that context and make it happen. Arrange for a one-to-one meeting, like a 30-minute time with your boss. Arrange it at a time when people aren’t so busy so that your boss has the mindspace and time to hear what you have to say and help you in the best way possible.

Let’s say you are in a group setting. You’re at a presentation or in a group meeting and everyone is speaking. Have an opener to share your thoughts. For example: “Excuse me can I share my opinion on this?” or “Is it okay if I share what I think?” Doing this creates an opening for you and people know that you have something to share. You are also being polite by asking this question.

Example: How my client asserted herself to her mom

I have a recent client who shared with me about how her mom kept nagging about her relationship status. I’m sure those of you who are single and from Asia, you can relate to that. Where your parents start to ask you — when you reach at a certain age — when are you finding a girlfriend or boyfriend, when you’re getting married, blah blah blah and all that stuff.

So this happened to my client and she had been going through this for a long time where her mom just kept bringing this up once a month, twice a month. She felt really imposed and maybe even oppressed by this.

I asked my client, “Have you ever shared with your mom about how you feel?”

And she said, no she hasn’t. My client had never overtly mentioned to her mom about how oppressed she felt whenever she nagged her about her relationship status and told her to get married.

So here, applying this tip to create the right context to speak.

• One way is to simply mention it during a private conversation. When both of them are alone at home and they are not occupied with something.
• A second way could be the next time her mom talks about this topic, which she does every few weeks, this can be a great context to air her thoughts. Because at this point her mom would be in that zone of talking about this topic, asking her to get married, etc. So her mind is in this space. This would be the perfect time for my client to step in and share how she actually feels, and of course in a non-confrontational way.

Face Saving: Being sensitive to others when asserting

There are things that we should take note. For example, if there’s a negative or not-so-positive thing that I would like to share with someone, I would say it directly to the person rather than in a group setting.

A lot of this comes from the face-saving culture in Asia. Face saving is this concept when you do your best to preserve someone’s integrity. That means not causing embarrassment or making them feel shamed, where they would be “losing face.” It also includes situations where you call someone out on something that makes them look bad or you share negative feedback with them. I do all of these in private as much as possible, so one-to-one via email or in person as opposed to a group.

Example: How I deal with negative course participants

Sometimes in my courses — and this is really rare — but sometimes I have participants who are being strange or disruptive. Maybe they are giving a lot of strange comments or disrupting the flow of the course. Or perhaps making it difficult for other participants to concentrate or get the best value from the course.

I would not call them out in the open because this is not face-saving. The recipient may feel shamed or embarrassed; they may also feel shocked. It prevents them from being able to receive the message in the best way.

So what I do is, if there is such a situation happening, I would speak to that individual after the session to understand what’s going on. How is she or she feeling? Is there something troubling him/her? And so on. As opposed to openly calling out on the behavior in front of others because I don’t feel that that really solves anything.

This works well for me and it always achieves the best outcome. Because it allows me to better understand that individual on a personal level and to intervene and provide solutions on how this can be resolved.

So this is a win-win situation because:

• It doesn’t waste people’s time.
• It allows me to tend to the individual specifically.
• It also allows the individual to openly express him/herself without fear of judgment from others.

3) Use I-statements

My third tip is to use I-statements.

• I-statement refers to the speaker expressing his/her feelings and thoughts in a statement that starts with “I.”
• You-statement refers to statements that start with “You.” It focuses on the recipient, the person you are speaking to.

So, an example of a You-statement versus an I-statement. Let’s say someone is sharing feedback on a report.

• You-statement: “You wrote the report in such a confusing manner that is hard to understand it.”
• I-statement: “I found it hard to understand some parts of the report.”

Here’s a different example. Let’s say someone is sharing her thoughts with her partner.

• You-statement: “You have been neglecting me. You are spending too much time with your friends and your work.”
• I-statement: “I have been feeling neglected of late. I feel like we haven’t been spending much time together.”

Notice the difference between an I-statement versus a You-statement? Here there are three differences.

1. An I-statement is where you own the statement and opinion. A You-statement can sound accusatory especially if what you’re talking about isn’t so positive.
2. When you use an I-statement, you are sharing what you think and letting others decide what they want to do. As opposed to a You-statement where you impose your views on other people, such as, “You are doing this. You are doing that. You should do that.”
3. The third difference is really subtle. When you use an I-statement, you acknowledge that the issue may lie with us. It’s not about being submissive or assuming blame. It’s about being humble and open-minded enough to recognize that sometimes the issue can be due to how we see things — as with many things in life I’m sure.

So when you use an I-statement, the receiver is less likely to feel attacked or intimidated. Both of you can focus on the problem at hand.

Exercise to monitor your communications

I have an exercise for you. For this week,

1. Observe how you articulate yourself when you’re communicating with other people, be in e-mails or conversations.
2. Do you tend to use You-statements or I-statements?

I want to stress that there’s no problem with You-statements. In fact, You-statements are great for building a personal connection or for positive praise and feedback.

But let’s say there’s a conflict or problem. I-statements are more helpful because you are owning this feedback versus attacking the other person.

Example: Argument with your partner

Here’s another example of a You-statements versus an I-statement. Let’s assume that it’s a couple in conflict.

• You-statement: “You are so selfish. You are always doing what you want without regard for my needs. Sometimes I wish you can stop making so many demands and start thinking about me for the first time.”

Notice how accusatory and attacking it seems, even though you may just be expressing your true unfiltered emotions? Using You-statement in a conflict can seem very attacking even though what you’re really trying to do is to assert your boundaries and needs.

On the other hand, using an I-statement where you focus on sharing your emotions and your thoughts — it can sound something like this:

• I-statement: “I feel that you have been ignoring my needs since you changed to your new job and I feel upset about this. I find very hard to manage things by myself and I really try my best. I love you and I want to be there for you. I hope we can spend some time to talk about this when you’re free and work out some possible solutions.”

Here the focus shifts from attacking and accusing to simply expressing your emotions which include neglect, being overloaded, overworked, possibly feeling unloved, also the desire to seek help.

So the next time you need to assert yourself, be it in a conflict or workplace setting, how can you use the I-statement as opposed to the You-statement? Starting your statements with “I,” focusing on expressing your thoughts without attacking someone else or pushing blame to another.

4) Focus on the positive

My fourth tip is to focus on the positive. The intent of this tip is similar to the feedback sandwich method that I share in my article on constructive criticism. You can read that at personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/

You want to focus on the positive aspects of the situation while asserting yourself, as opposed to asserting in a negative way.

When you focus on the positive, it opens the conversation on a good note. It’s the same with I-statements. It’s to let the other person know that you are on their side and you’re not trying to attack them. Versus aggressiveness, one of the key differences with assertiveness is that with aggressiveness, you are just making yourself heard at all costs and you don’t necessarily care about that person. You may even end up attacking that person while making yourself heard.

Example: Being overloaded at work

Let’s say you are going through some heavy workload issues with very tight deadlines.

As opposed to talking your boss and saying things like “You’re giving me too much work” or “You’re not being reasonable,” we want to use the I-statement and articulate our views in a positive manner. An example could be:

“I’m really enjoying the work. I’ve been learning so much and I’m really grateful for the opportunities.

However, I’ve been having difficulty managing some of the tasks given the tight turnaround time. I was wondering if you could advise me on the priority areas in my workplan so I can work on them with priority. I’m really committed to giving my best at work. I appreciate any help and advice you can give and I look forward to your response.”

Notice that you’re not trying to sugarcoat. You are being honest. You are outlining the problem and being clear on the help you need.

Example: Difficult co-worker

Let’s take a look at a different example. Say you’re dealing with a co-worker who is not sending you stuff on time. Have you guys dealt with such people before?

A You-statement can sound like this:

• You-Statement: “You haven’t given me the report that I asked for. This is not the first time. You are always sending in stuff late and it’s disruptive for everyone. When can you send this to me?”

Notice here? It focuses on the negative, on the past track record of what the person did wrongly, and also frustration. Here’s how an I-statement that focuses on the positive can look:

• I-Statement: “I haven’t received the report for project ABC. Are you facing any trouble doing it? Is there any area that I can help you in? Let me know. We are here to support you. We do need to submit this by tomorrow latest. So let me know if there’s anything that we need to do to meet the deadline.”

Here, the difference is that you’re focusing on the positive parts. The things that can be done. That you are here to help. Rather than harping on the past, putting blame, or rebuking the person, which doesn’t really help the situation and may turn it into a defensive, accusatory, and angst-filled exchange.

Think about the exchanges that you have had with others and also moving forward as you talk to others. Think about how you can apply this and focus on the positive aspects. The positive things in this situation, the solutions, as opposed to focusing on the spilt milk, the irreversible things, or even fingerpointing and the faults of the person — which don’t really solve anything in the long run.

5) Understand and resolve

My last tip is to understand and resolve.

This is where the second big difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness comes in. If you remember, being assertive is where you voice your opinions and needs in a positive way and you work with the person to achieve a common goal. On the other hand, aggressiveness is when you’re bulldozing, making your point across without consideration of others’ opinions or needs or even attacking other people’s opinions and needs.

In this tip, you want to work with the other party to achieve this ideal outcome. To listen to what the other person feels, to work with them hand-in-hand to achieve a win-win as opposed to just saying, “I have this problem, go fix it” or “I have this problem. You are the reason why I have this problem.”

Let’s say you are team leader in a project. Actively involve your teammates by asking them for their opinions, getting feedback at regular intervals, listening to their viewpoints, and working with them to incorporate the key feedback into what you’re doing.

Let’s say it’s with a partner. You want to be listening to his/her point of view. Here you’ve already shared what you feel and that is your one-sided interpretation and viewpoint (which is important). After making yourself heard, you want to hear what he/she has to say, to understand things from his/her perspective and then you can work from there.

Or let’s say it’s with a friend. Maybe you have an issue with him/her. Maybe you feel that there are times when he/she isn’t being reasonable, neglects you, or doesn’t appreciate you. After articulating yourself, you want to hear what he/she has to say. Maybe he/she has certain difficulties or problems that you want to listen to.

Or even say it’s with a boss and you’re sharing about your workload issues or salary rise/negotiation or about your promotion. Then understand from your boss on the situation, on the what’s happening in the organization, on the areas he or she needs help in, limitations and so on. So that you can understand the role that you can play to achieve the best outcome for your boss and you.

I find questions or statements like,

• “What do you think?”
• “I want to know what’s on your mind.”
• “Your view is important. Let me know what you think.”
• “Our goal is X. How can we work together to make this happen?”

Statements like these open up this channel and conduit for the other party to share their views.

Think of it this way: We have been having problems asserting ourselves and through the tips in this podcast, we then learn to assert ourselves and make ourselves heard. But maybe there are other people who haven’t gotten through this mental block of asserting themselves. We can help out by inviting them to share their thoughts so that we can work together to achieve this common goal. So it is important to honor the other person’s boundaries just like you probably feel your boundary has been infringed when people ignore your opinions and your needs. Here you want to respect the other person’s boundaries too.

As with all communications and relationships, sometimes the solution may not come up in just one discussion. And that’s normal. This is where you keep discussing and keep the conversation open. You work together over time to find that best solution for both of you.

Closing Note

So we have come to the end of today’s podcast. I have some articles to supplement what I’ve shared in today’s podcast.

The first one is on how to choose your battles and win the big war. It’s about knowing when to speak up and when not to. In this podcast, I’ve shared tips on asserting yourself and speaking up. But there comes a time when it helps to speak up, and there are certain moments it helps to let things go and not pursue the matter. And you can read that at personalexcellence.co/blog/choose-your-battles/

I have another article on how to give constructive criticism. Some of the underlying principles and the tips apply when it comes to be assertive. You can read this article at personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/

Being assertive can be quite similar to saying no. So I’d like to direct you to my article on how to say no at personalexcellence.co/blog/say-no/

Each podcast takes a lot of work to create. If you have found this podcast helpful, I would truly appreciate if you can take a moment to leave a review and rating on iTunes at personalexcellence.co/itunes/. I would truly truly appreciate that.

So thank you so much for listening and I look forward to speaking to you guys next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• How To Handle Molestation: A Personal Encounter
• How to Choose Your Battles (and Win the Big War)
• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• How To Say No To Others [Podcast]
• How To Say No To Others

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