“So, when are you having kids?” my aunt asked me. At that point, I was 30 and had just been married for a few months. I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, much less when I was having them.

So I simply said, “I haven’t decided if I want kids.” I would spend the next hour listening to horror stories about women who (1) regretted not having children because they had put it off until it was too late, and (2) had difficulty conceiving because they had waited too long, basically suggesting that I was going to regret it if I didn’t work on producing children right away.

This would be my life for the next few years, where I would receive constant questions revolving around “When are you having kids?” from friends and relatives, followed by a bizarre, almost ritualistic attempt to persuade me to have kids.

If you think that this stops after having a kid, nope. The people who previously told you to have “just one kid” will now tell you to have one more. It just seems like it will never end.

The problem with “When are you having kids?”

I can understand why people like to ask this question. Find a partner, get married and have kids. This is the path we’ve been taught to follow since young. This is the path we’ve been told is the way of life.

This is especially so in the Chinese culture where having kids is seen as the ultimate goal in life. Sayings like 生儿育女, which means to birth sons and raise daughters, and 子孙满堂, which means to be in a room filled with children and grandchildren (often used to symbolize the peak of happiness), all support this belief.

A multi-generation family, often used to symbolize the peak of happiness in the Chinese culture

So after you get married, people automatically assume that this should be your life path. Without thinking, they jump in and ask “When are you having kids?”, as if really expecting you to give them a straight answer.

The problem is that it’s rude, invasive, and presumptuous.

1) Having kids is a personal matter

Firstly, having kids is a deeply personal matter. Whether someone wants kids or not is something for them to discuss with their partner, and not anyone else’s business. Whether you’re someone’s best friend or relative, you shouldn’t be asking a question like, “When are you having kids?”, because (a) you’re assuming that the person wants kids when they may not, and (b) you’re assuming that they even want to discuss this with you, when they may well not want to.

Even if you’re asking this with the intent of having a heart-to-heart, something like “Do you have any plans for kids?” or “Are you guys thinking of having kids?” would be more appropriate. The question should be open-ended and not presumptive, because, believe it not — not everyone wants kids.

2) Having kids is not the only path to happiness

Secondly, everyone has their path in life. The path is not the same for everyone and that’s okay. Some people want kids while some don’t. Some think that having kids is the greatest joy in life, while some see kids as a burden.

Having children is a decision with lifelong impact and will take away significant time, energy and resources from the parent(s) for the first 20 years or so of the child’s life. Anyone who has kids — and has raised them themselves — can attest to this. There are many ups and downs of having kids, and for some, the downs are too much and it’s simply not practical or realistic to give up so much of their lives to have kids. For some, it is better to remain child-free rather than have kids for the sake of it.

To assume that everyone should have kids, just because some other people think that having kids is the great and awesome, is rude and disregards an individual’s own wishes for their life.

Take for example, Oprah Winfrey — philanthropist and talk show host. Oprah chose not to have kids and dedicated herself to her purpose of serving the world. She produced and hosted The Oprah Winfrey Show, the highest-rated daytime talk show in America, for 25 years; founded a leadership academy for girls; and started her television network OWN. Through the years, she has inspired millions and become a champion for people worldwide. As she says,

“When people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them, because I feel like I am a mother to the world’s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn’t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age two, 10, or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.” — Oprah^[1]

Is her life not purposeful because she doesn’t have kids? No, not at all. In fact, I dare say that her life is much more purposeful than many in the world, including some people who have kids.

Many famous celebrities have chosen not to have kids as well:

• Chelsea Handler is a talk show host who chose not to have kids. She has said honestly in interviews that she doesn’t have the time to raise a child, and she doesn’t want her kids to be raised by a nanny.^[2][3]
• Betty White was a famous comedian who chose not to have kids because she was passionate about her career and she preferred to focus on it.^[4]
• Ashley Judd is an actress and political activist who chose not to have kids because she feels that there are already so many orphaned kids in the world. To her, her resources can be better used to help those who are already here.^[5]

And then there are others like Chow Yun Fat, Marisa Tomei, Renée Zellweger, Rachael Ray, and Jennifer Aniston. These people choose to be child-free for different reasons, such as because they’re already pursuing paths deeply meaningful to them, because they do not wish to be tied down with a child, or because they just don’t feel a deep desire to have children.

Not having kids has not prevented them from being happy, and people need to stop painting the narrative that one must have kids to be happy. Doing so has caused many parents to suffer dissonance when they have kids and realize that reality is far off from what they were told. There are people with kids who are deepy unhappy, and there are many who live deeply fulfilling and happy lives without kids. There is no one path to happiness, and it is up to the individual to define what makes them happy.

3) You may cause hurt and pain

Thirdly, you never know what others are going through.

Some people may want kids but are facing fertility struggles. For example,

• Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan went through three miscarriages before having their firstborn.^[6]
• The Obamas had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF.^[7]
• Friends star Courteney Cox had a total of seven miscarriages before having her daughter, as she has a MTHFR gene mutation which raises the risk of miscarriage-causing blood clots.^[8] In fact, she went through a miscarriage while filming the episode about Rachel giving birth. As she said, “It was terrible having to be funny.”

About 10% of women have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant^[9] while 13.5% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages, with the figure rising as the maternal age rises.^[10]

For some, the journey to conceive is fraught with deep pain as they experience miscarriages, go through round after round of invasive fertility treatments, and wait in vain for a successful pregnancy.

And then there are people who cannot have their biological children due to genetic issues, illnesses, or problems with their reproductive system, which could have been there since birth. For example, Charmed star Shannen Doherty was unable to have children due to her cancer treatment.^[11]

Barack and Michelle Obama had a miscarriage before having their daughters via IVF

While you may be think that you’re being helpful or funny by asking people when they’re having kids, your question may well trigger hurt and pain. As Zuckerberg said,

“You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience.”^[12]

4) Not everyone is in a place to have kids

For some, having kids is simply not something they can consider due to their circumstances in life.

• Some people may lack the financial resources to have kids, a reality in places like Singapore.
• Some people may be facing serious issues with their marriage, in which case their priority should be to work on their marriage, not to have kids.
• Some people may be so burdened with caring for their dependents that they are unable to consider kids, at least not at the moment.
• And then there are people who may be facing health issues, issues that you don’t know and can’t see, that would make pregnancy difficult due to the toll it would take on their body.

For these people, they may look like they’re in a perfect place to have kids due to their age, job status, etc. But the reality is they can’t due to very serious, legitimate reasons, and you don’t know because you aren’t them.

5) Some people could still be thinking

Lastly, there are people who are neutral to the idea of having kids. This was me when I just got married. These people need time to think it through, because having kids is a permanent, lifelong decision with serious consequences. There’s no reason to assume that having kids should be an automatic decision because you’re bringing a whole new life into this world. This is a decision that would change your life forever, as well as the life of the child you bring into the world.

I personally think one of the worst things someone could do is to simply have children for the sake of it, and then afterward give their child sub-standard care, something which I feel many people do.

For those who have yet to have kids, they need the space to figure out what they want — not have people breathe down their neck day in and out about having kids.

My experience

For the first few years after I got married, I wasn’t thinking about having kids. Firstly, having a child is a lifelong decision, and I wanted to enjoy married life before diving into a decision as serious as that. Secondly, my husband and I were happy spending our lives with just each other — we didn’t feel the need to have kids, certainly not in the way our culture obsesses over it. Thirdly, my husband was dealing with some personal problems and I was fully focused on supporting him through them. These were issues that we needed to sort through before considering kids, if we were to want kids.

Yet I kept getting nudges to have kids, even though I never said anything about wanting them.

“So, when are you having kids?”

“This person’s baby is so cute, isn’t it? Why don’t you hurry up and birth a baby?”

“When is it your turn?” (In response to news that someone else just had a kid)

It was as if I was some vehicle, some machine to produce kids, where my own views in the matter didn’t matter. It felt dehumanizing, even degrading.

The most frustrating thing was that I kept getting this question, while my husband — as a man — would never get it, even when we were in the same room together, even from his own family members.

It was as if my sole reason for existence as a woman was to have kids, and until I had them, I was regarded as unworthy or incomplete.

The decision to have kids

Yet the decision to have children is a personal and complex one. It is also a decision that will permanently change the lives of the couple, especially the mother.

It is not a decision that one should be pressurized into making because their mom wants grandchildren or because their grandma wants to play with kids. It’s a decision that a couple should make because they genuinely want to bring a life into this world and nurture it to its highest level, and are ready to overcome all odds and challenges in the process of doing so.

Because when a child is born, the people bugging others to have kids aren’t the ones who will be caring for the baby 24/7. They are also not the ones whose lives will be set back by years (even decades) as they care for the new life. Neither will they be the ones responsible for every decision concerning the child for the next 21 years.

It will be the couple.

And the people who aren’t ready, who were pressured into having kids because they were told that it was the best thing to do, may have to deal with regret as they are stuck with a decision they cannot undo. Because there are people who regret having kids, and we need to be honest about that. These people regret, not because of the child’s fault, but because they were simply not ready to have kids, be it financially, emotionally, or mentally. Unfortunately, the children are the ones who eventually suffer, from living in dysfunctional households to dealing with issues of violence, abuse, and anger.

We need to recognize these realities and not make parenthood seem like it’s a panacea that solves a lack of purpose or life’s problems. Things don’t magically get better because people have kids; existing problems usually worsen as having a child puts a huge strain on a couple’s lives. Digging into people’s plans to have kids, and pressurizing them into one of the biggest life decisions they can ever make, will only stress them out and perhaps push some into depression. As this redditor shared,

“I have a friend who went through six years of miscarriages and fertility treatments before the doctors figured out the problem and she had her son. The nosy ladies at her work and her in-laws questioned her constantly. The depression from that made it harder for her to conceive.”

Stop asking couples when they’re having kids

So, if you like to ask others when they’re having kids, it’s time to stop that. It’s rude, invasive, and disregards other people’s need for privacy. It’s also none of your business.

The reality is that if people want kids, they will work on having kids. They don’t need you to prod them.

If they don’t have kids, it’s either because

1. they don’t want kids,
2. they haven’t thought about having kids but don’t need you to prod them,
3. they are not in a position to consider kids right now, or
4. they want kids but they are facing some struggles.

For people in group (d), they aren’t going to share such deeply personal experience over some afternoon tea, and certainly not by you asking, “When are you having kids?”

The best thing you can do is to give people space. Understand that having kids is a personal decision, and people don’t have to share or explain anything. Respect that others have their right to privacy. Respect that people are individuals on their own path, and this path may not involve having kids. And this doesn’t make them incomplete or lesser in any way.

Instead of asking people “When are you having kids?”, talk to them like you would to a normal person. There’s no reason why conversations should suddenly revolve around childbearing after marriage; it’s not like a person’s identity changes to revolve around having kids. A person still has their own passion, goals, and dreams. Talk to them about what they’ve been doing. Understand their interests. Know them as a real person, not some random being here to fulfill society’s checklist.

If you’re really interested in someone’s plan to have children, like I mentioned in the beginning, you can simply ask, “Do you have any plans for kids?” If they wish to share more, they will do so. If they give a half-hearted or evasive answer, then take the hint and move on.

Ultimately, having kids or not doesn’t change one’s self-worth. A woman is complete with or without kids. A man is complete with or without kids.  A marriage doesn’t need kids to be deemed complete. Having kids should be a conscious choice, not a result of external pressure. Don’t judge people by whether they have kids or not. Some people will have kids and some won’t. Some will have kids early, while some will have them later in life. All of these are different paths and there’s nothing wrong with them.

For me, I (we) eventually decided to have a baby and we now have a baby girl. Yet other people’s comments and nudges on when I’m having kids didn’t make me want to have children; it only irritated me and made me want to avoid these people, because having a child is a personal decision and has nothing to do with them. It was after my husband and I enjoyed married life without kids, and had the space to actively pursue our goals and interests, that we finally felt ready to have a kid.

In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well. There are things that I’m working on that I look forward to sharing in time to come! Sending lots of love to you, and remember that whatever life challenge you’re facing, you have it in you to overcome it.

When we get angry with our loved ones, we often say or do things that we later regret. We isolate ourselves from our partner/parent/child/friend, fuming and feeling upset — yet deep down, what we yearn for is to reconnect with him/her.

This sculpture, created by Alexander Milov for the Burning Man Festival 2015, captures just that. Titled “Love,” it features two wire-frame adults after a fight, distanced and sitting with their backs facing each other.

What’s interesting are the two children inside the wire-frames, trying to reach and touch each other — despite their physical bodies facing the other way.

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Milov says:

“It demonstrates a conflict between a man and a woman as well as the outer and inner expression of human nature. Their inner selves are executed in the form of transparent children, who are holding out their hands through the grating.

“As it’s getting dark (night falls) the children chart to shine. This shining is a symbol of purity and sincerity that brings people together and gives a chance of making up when the dark time arrives.”^[1]

More pictures of the sculpture:

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In many ways, it is true. When we get angry at a loved one, we may seem irate and repelled by them. But deep down we really care. Our love is just not being manifested in a constructive or healthy way. If there is a way for us to reconnect, to be back together in peace, we would want to do that. But first, we have to put aside our adult egos and pain.

Some gentle notes for all of us:

1. The next time you are angry at someone, focus on the loving spirit of your inner child. Remember that underneath your anger is love for the other person.
2. Learn to regulate your emotions. If you feel angry or upset, find ways to manage and release these emotions without throwing them at your loved one. Give each other the space to cool down. Leave the room, go for a walk, close your eyes and breathe, or do something else.
3. Focus on the conflict. What’s causing the conflict? How can you solve it? What help do you need from your loved one? What actions can you take? How can you resolve this together?
4. Repair. Nobody’s perfect. There will be times when we say or do something we didn’t mean to (such as yelling or sniping at him/her). Focus on repairing the relationship by talking to our loved one after the event: state what happened, why what we did was wrong, and what we’ll do differently next time. Take responsibility for our actions and don’t blame him/her.
5. When the dust has settled, reinforce your love for each other. Talk with a cooled head and figure out ways to solve the problem and avoid such outbursts next time.

The forgiving, open and free nature of children is your true nature. Inside each angry person is a hurt child trying to connect. Remember that when you are with your loved ones.

Share this post with your loved ones to let them know you care. Read as well:

• How Anger Affects the Brain and Body [Infographic]
• How to Let Go of Anger (series)

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Recently I was sharing a problem with a good friend over text. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late his time (he lives in a different timezone), but he was very thoughtful in his reply. Some things he did that made me feel better:

• He didn’t assume, but asked questions to understand my situation.
• He didn’t judge but understood things from my perspective.
• He considered the situation from various angles.
• He gave me helpful suggestions on what could work.
• He sought to share my feelings, which were unhappiness, hurt, and frustration, rather than dismiss or brush them away, which I find common when I share my problems with other friends.

I later realized that he had woken up midway through the night and saw my message, and seeing that I was in need, chose to respond rather than return to sleep. Our conversation ended up being over an hour long. Needless to say, I was very thankful and later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. :) “

How to Have Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Having the ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if you have not been in the situation before.

It goes without saying that being empathetic is an important skill. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse, and made me deeply regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that people would pick up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, like with my good friend above.

When you are empathetic towards others, you help them feel better about themselves. You let them know that they are not alone in their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because when you seek to share the feelings of the other, you allow thoughts and emotions to flow between the both of you.

So how can we be more empathetic? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, colleagues and family.

1. Put yourself in the person’s shoes. It’s easy for us to comment and judge. We can say “This is no big deal” or “I don’t see why you feel this way” or “You’re over-reacting.” However, put yourself in the person’s shoes and walk a mile. Maybe they are undergoing great pain and difficulty. Maybe they are experiencing deep problems from other areas of their life. Maybe there are little issues that led them to behave this way. Without knowing the full details of a person’s problem, how can we make a conclusion? Imagine you are the person. Imagine going through this problem right now, and try to understand things from their perspective. This will allow you to connect with their emotions and perspective better.
2. Show care and concern. When someone tells you a personal problem, chances are he/she doesn’t feel well and needs your emotional support. Show care and concern. Ask, “How are you feeling?” to show concern. “Is there anything I can do for you?” is a great way to show support. If you are close friends, offering to talk on the phone or meet up, can make a big difference to them. If he/she is your partner, give him/her a hug and be there for him/her.
3. Acknowledge the person’s feelings. One of the biggest problems I find in communication is that many people don’t acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Acknowledging means to recognize the importance of something. So for example, someone says “I feel so frustrated with X.” Acknowledging this feeling means saying, “Why are you frustrated?” or “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”
   
   On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”
4. Ask questions. Questions open a conversation. When someone gets the courage to share, especially a personal problem, asking questions encourages them to share more. Think about what the person said and ask meaningful questions.
   
   For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.
5. Mirror. A big conversation stopper is when someone types 10 paragraphs of text while you respond with one short line. Same when you respond to a deeply personal message with a mono-syllabic response, like “I see” or “Ok.” That’s because the person is being very open, while your response is closed off. You are not responding in resonance with the person.
   
   This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude  — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.

   For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their tone and vibe.

6. Don’t run ahead of the conversation. A big mistake I notice people making when someone is sharing a problem, is that they simply jump to the end point of the conversation.
   
   For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.

   What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.

   Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not acknowledging their pain. It’s the same as denying their emotion and trying to tell them that their pain is not real, or not justified. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.

7. Don’t judge. Judgment shuts off a conversation. This is the same for prejudgment, which means forming a judgement on an issue (or person) before you have adequate information. For example, say your friend gets into an argument with her boss, and you assume she is in the wrong because her boss is a manager. Or say, your friend scored poorly for exams, and you assume that he didn’t study — even though there could be other reasons like family problems. The best way is not to pass judgement. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is struggling to do their best in life, so why judge and bring someone down?
8. Show emotional support. Last but not least, give emotional support. This means, give them your trust and affirmation. Encourage them. Let them know that no matter what happens, you have their back. A supportive statement I often get is from my good friend R is: “Knowing you, you always consider things very carefully. So whatever happens, I will support you.” Sometimes, what people are looking for is not answers. It’s also not solutions. Sometimes, all people are looking for is empathy and support. That in this big world of strangers, filled with fear and uncertainty, that there is someone here to support them, without judgement or bias.

How can you apply the above to your relationships today? :)

Read:

• 10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist
• How to Have More Best Friends: My Heartfelt Guide
• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• Feeling Disconnected

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A while back I received an email from my client C:

During our recent session, you asked me when was the first time I feared not being heard or being mocked. I’m currently introspecting about this.

There’s a moment from my past that I don’t know if I experienced it or not… I wonder if I had witnessed my father beating up my mother before.

This morning, when I was in the shower, I got my answer. I did witness it (this was many years ago). However, I did/said nothing to help my mom at that time. I wanted to tell my dad to stop but I couldn’t speak up because I felt that I wouldn’t be heard and also, I was too small then. I think this is the root cause of my fear. Realizing this made me feel guilty for not helping her. I felt so helpless that I cried.

This is a terrible memory. What should I do? I’m afraid of situations of violence towards women and I think it’s too much for me to handle.

Do you have some precious advice for me?

Subsequently I had a few exchanges with C which gave me more insight into the situation. Apparently her dad had been hitting her mom since C was a kid (it’s not clear whether it’s still going on since she no longer lives with her parents), and she witnessed many of these incidents. C never told anyone about this nor interjected except for one time. However, this did not solve the problem as the abuse continued after that.

When C told me this, I immediately empathized with her. This is not an easy situation to be in. On one hand, she loves her mom and wants to stand up for her. On the other hand, there is her dad, whom she cares about too, but who had been harming her mom. And then there are other struggles and considerations on what to do. Call the police? But what if others get wind of this shameful incident? Stop my dad? But what if he hits me too? Talk to my mom? But what if she denies it? But what if this continues?

These didn’t change my advice for her though, which is that domestic abuse should never be tolerated or allowed to continue in any form.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic violence (also domestic abuse, spousal abuse, family violence) is a pattern of violent or abusive behavior by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in a marriage or during cohabitation. Allow me to share some stats on domestic violence from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• Every minute, nearly 20 people are victims of physical violence by a partner in the United States. This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
• 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
• Historically, females are most often victimized by someone they knew.
• Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And this is a figure from 2003. An estimated 201,394 women are raped by an intimate partner each year.
• On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are made to domestic violence hotlines in U.S.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
• Intimate partner violence (i.e. abuse by a significant other) accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
• Almost one-third of female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• Last but not least… most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

While these stats apply to the U.S., they give you an idea of how widespread domestic violence is.

As a woman, domestic violence has an emotional place in my heart. It’s not because domestic violence tends to happen to women (I imagine I’d be equally passionate even if I were male), but because (a) I dislike people who abuse their strength to harm the weak, and (b) physical violence goes beyond what we should do as conscious beings; it’s inexcusable.

I’ve never been in domestic violence situations, but I have heard of stories from my clients and a friend who grew up in abusive households. For them, it was their dads who hit their moms. When they tried to intercept, their dads would beat them up too. And my friend is a girl. The abuse decreased as they grew up, probably because they are now adults who can fend for themselves. But there’s no telling when their dads would flare up again.

Signs of Domestic Abuse

We hear of people dealing with abuse and we get outraged, wondering why these people put up with the situation. But for the person in the abusive relationship/household, it’s not always clear-cut because you see both the good and bad sides of the person. Things can get blurred. The abuser can be nice to you but abusive to your family member. The abuser may make you think it’s your fault. Your culture may normalize abuse and make it seem like it’s normal (it’s not). Or you may be traumatized by the ordeal and block it off mentally, like what happened to my client C.

Here are some signs that you are facing domestic abuse:

• The clearest sign is of course, violence. Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or any violent physical contact is abuse. No one has the right to hit you, not even your parent. This line gets blurred in the Chinese/Indian culture, because harshly caning or hitting your children is considered normal in the name of discipline. This is something I disagree with after growing up and learning more about human rights. Light discipline at home, coupled with proper explanation and counseling is different from publicly hitting your child and screaming at him/her, or repeated physical discipline.
• Abuse can also happen through words. Threats, shaming, and intimidation are abuse. No one should make you feel less as a person. If your parent/partner shames or threatens you repeatedly, this is emotional abuse. Constant hurling of vulgarities is also a form of abuse.
• Disregard of the abuse. The person denies the abuse is happening, or even blames it on you. He/She may normalize the behavior and make you think that the abuse is normal.
• Control of your actions. The person controls your behavior to a large degree. For example controlling who you can see, what you can do, where you can go. Isolating you from others. Demanding that you do certain things. The abuser’s goal is be the center of your universe and gain dominance over your life.
• Threats. The person threatens to leave you, hurt him/herself, or kill him/herself or you if you don’t comply with his/her demands. If you have children, he/she may also threaten the safety of your children.
• Addiction. While addiction to alcohol or drugs doesn’t mean the person is an abuser, these behaviors often go hand in hand. Alcohol and drugs alter a person’s mood and makes someone more prone to violence.^[1][2]
• Frequent anger outbursts. The person gets angry so easily that you worry about what you say, do, in order not to trigger him/her. You constantly “walk on eggshells,” doing everything you can not to trigger him/her.

More warning signs of domestic abuse here, here, and here.

It doesn’t matter if the person exhibits the above 1% or 10% of the time. Abuse is abuse, and justifying it with the person’s good side (which I’m sure is true) downplays the gravity of the situation.

How To Deal With Domestic Violence

If you are dealing with abuse or witnessing abuse in your household, please don’t ignore it. Here are my recommendations:

1. It’s not your fault. People who are abused often downplay the situation. They “normalize” the abuse and think that their experience is normal, or that it’s their fault. Well it is not your fault. Do not accept, deny, normalize the situation, or blame yourself.
2. “It only happened once” is not an excuse. Once is one time too many. When someone becomes abusive, that means he/she has lost control of his/her better senses. There’s no telling when he/she will flare up again. If you witnessed an abusive act, this is worse as it means that the abuse has probably been going on for a while. Report it right away.
3. Stop wearing a mask. Tell someone. A domestic violence victim is often living in a bubble. This bubble could be self-created (the victim cuts him/herself off from others to normalize the abuse) or created by the abuser. This first step to get out of the bubble is to tell someone about your pain. This person can be anyone you trust — your friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, family. Just talking to someone can give you clarity and the power to act on the situation. Be wary of bad advice, such as if your confidant tries to downplay the abuse or convince you that it’s okay. It is not okay and it’s not normal. Speak to those who can give you sound advice and a good listening ear.
4. Talk to the victim. If you witnessed abuse, talk to the victim asap. Several reasons: (a) The victim may feel trapped, with no one else knowing about this. While you may think that you are invading his/her privacy, chances are he/she will feel relieved as he/she is no longer alone in the problem. (b) You help the victim realize that the abuse is wrong, something he/she may be normalizing. (c) You can help the victim identify practical next steps. Do not wait as this only perpetuates the abuse.
5. Call the police. Domestic violence is illegal in many countries, and new laws are drawn up to protect the victims. In the UK, a new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members came into force in 2015.^[3] Instead of taking matters into your own hands, call the police and let them know that you are in danger. The police would have a process for handling abuse. For example, helping women to get an injunction, and serving as referral agents to other professionals, such as a domestic violence and abuse agency, a woman’s refuge, and family justice center.^[4]
6. Document the abuse. This is important to make your case later in a police report or for child custody. Get as much evidence as you can of the abuse. Keep a diary and note down the dates/times of the abuse, get videos/pictures of the abuse, get pictures of any injury, and get pictures of weapons used if any. Read: Building Your Case: How to Document Abuse
7. Call a domestic abuse helpline. The people at a domestic abuse helpline are equipped to advise you and provide remedies based on your local laws. (See the end of the post for helpline numbers.) If you can’t find a helpline in your country, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor. If there’s a woman’s shelter, seek help there.
8. Leave the relationship. I understand for some women who are locked in abusive relationships (e.g. having no family in a foreign land, having financial struggles, having children in the same household with nowhere to go), it’s not possible to leave the relationship right away. It may also get you killed. I’d like to share some verbatims from domestic abuse survivors (who left their abusive relationship)^[5]:
   • ‘Do not put up with it. You are worth more… if someone is making your life hell and miserable, don’t put up with it, there is no excuse at all… and you will be happier… I can promise you, you will be happier.’ (Jacqui)
   • ‘You don’t have to be hit to be abused ….ring a helpline.’ (Sarah)
   • ‘…Tell somebody you trust …there’s help out there, whether it’s a GP, a parent, or a trusted friend, even just somebody at work, they can see it from another perspective. [My counsellor] opened my eyes to what was actually going on.’ (Mandy)
   • ‘Get help even if you have the slightest inkling.’ (Catherine)
   • To quote domestic abuse survivor Tina, things will get ‘worse and worse and worse.’ You may not be able to leave the relationship now, but it doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave. If you can’t leave right now, plan for a time when it is safe to do so. Call the helplines, talk to professionals, talk to friends who can provide good support, and work out an escape plan.
9. Create a safety plan. A safety plan is your plan to remain safe at all times. Have a survival bag — with copies of important documents, an extra set of keys, clothes, some money — that you can grab and leave at any time. Have important contacts on speed dial. Set a code word with your neighbors/friends that you can use when in trouble. Have an escape route where you can easily get out of the house. Keep weapons and dangerous objects inaccessible. Read: Create a Safety Plan

Resources for domestic abuse:

• Women’s Experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse [Health Talk]
• Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship [Help Guide]
• Is This Abuse? Abuse Defined [National Domestic Violence Hotline]
• Life after domestic violence and abuse: taking back control [Health Talk]
• Helplines:
  • Singapore: Call the AWARE Helpline at 1800 777 5555 (Monday – Friday, 3pm to 9.30pm)
  • United States: Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (toll-free, 24/7)
  • United Kingdom: Call the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline (UK) at 0808 2000 247 (24/7)

If you are an abuser, you need to stop what you are doing. Read: How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner

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“Hi Celes, I recently recovered from what my college counselor referred to as an ‘identity crisis.’ I went to school for a teaching degree for the majority of my college years with hopes to pursue a ‘stable’ job and have a decent life, or at least I was told by my parents (I have very traditional and authoritative parents).

However, during the last semester of my senior year, I made the decision to quit and graduate with a non-teaching degree because I realized how unhappy I was trying to enter a profession that I had little to no passion for. I do not regret this and am relieved to have made the decision for myself. However, this led to a series of conflicts between my parents and I. They feel that by not obtaining a degree with a “professional” title, I was giving up the opportunity for a stable full-time job and I will never be financially stable unless I return to school.

Currently, I work in two part-time jobs that I really enjoy with an income of around $1500/ monthly but I feel the pressure financially, having to contribute to my family’s new house, which I still live in.

I am currently doing Live a Better Life in 30 Days to rediscover myself, reading career books, saving money, etc. with the hopes that one day I will discover what I want to pursue in life, and move closer to my purpose. However, I feel stuck by the fact that my parents have an agenda of their own for me…. Go to school — Earn money to support the family — Marry…

I am at a point in my life (22) where I want to see and experience more of what is out in the world, moving away from the obedient child I once was. But what can I do about my parents’ limiting behavior towards my plans and vision? I have communicated numerous times of my plans and visions but every time they just brush me off…. What is your advice on dealing with parents who hold you back and disallow change when you want to make a change?” — Ting

Hi Ting, I can empathize with your situation. What you’re going through is something that many in their 30s and 40s, and not just their 20s, face. While we may face restriction from our parents growing up, for others this restriction can come from others, such as an unsupportive spouse, unsupportive teachers, and naysayer friends. But unlike negative friends we can distance or cut off, cutting off family ties isn’t exactly logical. While most of us love our parents, it’s very demoralizing when your own kin is unsupportive of your dreams.

When Your Parents Don’t Support Your Goals

When I told my parents I was quitting my job to start my business, my parents objected strongly. Their initial reaction was,

“You won’t have any income, NO!”

“Starting a business is very risky, you shouldn’t do it!”

“Your job is so good with a great pay, why do you want to quit???”

“Having a job gives you CPF; CPF is good!” (CPF is a compulsory savings plan in Singapore, partly meant for retirement needs.)

Their comments didn’t faze me since I had already made up my mind, and I wasn’t looking for approval. I told them that I knew what I was doing, that I wasn’t sharing my plans with them for their approval, but to inform them. At the same time, I understood their concerns regarding financial stability, which I had already factored into my business plan.

After 9 months or so, my parents stopped dissuading me. After my first or second year, they roughly understood that I was doing this for life. It’s been 10 years, and for the past 8 years, they’ve never probed nor asked me to do anything different. In my family, when you don’t get negative criticism or vehement discouragement, that means acceptance.

Similarly, when I told them about my plan to travel around the world, to switch to a vegetarian diet, among other plans, they would disapprove vehemently at first. But after a while of pushing forward, asserting myself, and moving forward with my goal, they would come to accept them.

So what do you do when your parents don’t support your goals? If you have unsupportive parents, here are my 9 tips:

1. Understand your parents’ concerns. Even though our parents may seem like a nag, they usually come from a good place, with a good reason for objecting vs. them objecting for the sake of it.

   For example, say your parents object to your career choice. Try to understand why. Ask yourself, “Why?” Why do they object to your new career path? → Because they feel that you won’t earn a good and stable income. Why is this important? → Because income stability is important in life. → Why? Because many things in life (housing choices, day-to-day living, and life options) depend on money, at least in our current world. Your parents, being older, have likely seen the problems that come with financial instability, which makes them resistant when they see you walking down a potentially negative path.

   In another example, say your parents are fixated on you being a banker, accountant, or engineer, and become disapproving when you opt for a different degree. Why? Because they feel that these careers will give you financial stability. Is it true? Maybe not entirely, but they probably think this way because of what they hear from other parents and from reading the news. This mindset is very common among Asian parents. It doesn’t mean that banking/engineering/accountancy are the only financially stable careers, or that everyone in such jobs are financially stable (no to both), but that these are simply careers that your parents were taught to associate with financial stability.

   Of course, many parents tend to miss the other half of the picture. A career is more than just about the money, but about your interest too. They may think that you can’t earn good money with your new life path, but maybe they are wrong and you will be even more successful doing this. They may think that a particular diet is inferior but research may indicate otherwise. But understanding your parents’ concerns, and making sure that you address them in your plans, is an important first step to bridging the gap.

2. Talk to them. Perhaps you tried talking to your parents to no avail. But try again. This time, apply these tips:
   • Understand, don’t accuse. Don’t start off with an accusation, but focus on understanding. For example, don’t go, “You are so close-minded” or “You’re always objecting to everything I do!” Rather, ask, “Can you let me know why you disapprove of [this goal]?” Then listen without bias. Understand as best as you can, by asking questions and listening to their side of the story.
   • Allay their concerns. After understanding the full picture, allay their concerns. If they object to your career because (a) they are afraid you’ll face financial stability and (b) they don’t want you to suffer in life, let them know your career plans, how you plan to safeguard your finances, and your backup plan if things don’t work out. Let them know that you are not doing this on a whim, but you have things mapped out. (If you don’t, work out a plan first then!) If they object to your new diet because they think it is flawed, then let them know why this isn’t so. If your parents are close-minded, this will likely not be wrapped up in just one discussion, but at least you can get the discussion going.
   • Educate your parents. We grew up in a different era from our parents. My parents grew up in a world where there were no computers and internet. They are fluent in Mandarin and Hokkien; they don’t read/write English. On the other hand, the internet is part and parcel of my life. My entire business is built online. 90% of my daily communication is in English. Because the world has changed immensely, it has naturally led to different behaviors, mindsets in just one generation. And that’s fine, because it’s about educating your parents of these changes. Even though our parents may be outdated in their thoughts, it’s about updating them on what’s happening.

     As best as possible, explain to your parents what you are doing, why you are doing this. Let them know that a career is more than just about financial stability, and there are other things like personal happiness and fulfillment involved. Let them know why your career choice isn’t scary, and show them examples of people who have pursued similar paths and succeeded (gather newspaper clippings, print outs from news sites, etc.). In fact, do this regularly. If they only read Chinese/Malay/Tamil/other languages, then look for stories in these languages and print them out.

     Similarly, if they object to your diet, educate them on the benefits of this diet, and people who have thrived on this diet. Show them examples of Olympian medalists and body builders who actually consume such a diet 24/7. Show them the scientific health benefits of your new diet, and examples of people living to ripe old ages, with great health, following such a lifestyle.

     The more you do this, the more they will realize that there is a whole different world out there, and there is more for them to learn.

3. Get a third party to chime in. When it’s just you vs. them, your parents may not take your words seriously. This is especially so with Chinese parents, where the implicit belief is that children know nothing and wisdom comes with age. If your friends have met your parents before, and/or you are on good terms with your parents’ confidants (like your aunt, uncle, grandparents), talk to them. Explain your goal and why it’s important. Have them chime in about it to your parents, and the pros of doing so, so they can get an alternate view. When it’s a different person speaking, your parents may be more open to listen.
4. Assert yourself. If your parents keep objecting, draw a line and make a stance. Let them know, “I understand you are doing this for my own good, but I have done my research and I have addressed the potential issues. I want to try this out. I hope you can support me, Papa/Mama.” If career is the area of conflict, let them know, “While money is important, it’s also important that I do what I like. I want to discover my path and I will work hard to earn good income at the same time. So please don’t worry, Papa/Mama. I know what I’m doing and I will make you proud.”
5. Know that you don’t need your parents’ approval. To begin with, the success of your goal is not contingent on your parents’ approval. Unless your parents are cutting you off, like throwing you out of the house or cutting off your allowance (if you’re still financially dependent), you can still pursue your path without their blessing. If they constantly discourage you, assert yourself. If you work from home, work in co-working spaces (where you can get good support). Or in very severe objection cases, move out if it is an option, to get some space until your plans take off.
6. Less talk, more action. All talk is pointless if there are no results. If you’ve tried talking but your parents don’t listen, devote yourself to your goal. Let your results speak for themselves. With each discouragement, use it as ammunition to spur yourself to achieve more results. You want your parents to trust you, so show them why you deserve their trust by bringing your plans to live.
7. Update them on your little successes. Your parents won’t know the merits of your choice unless you show them. Whenever you get what I call “success easter eggs,” show them to your parents. For example, when you get your first check, show it to them. When you get a great customer feedback, let them know. When you positively change someone’s life because of your work, let them know. Same for when you get new clients. Or say if traveling is your goal, show them pictures of your different travels, and what you learned in each travel. Or if diet is your goal, and you’ve lost weight and improved on your health metrics since embarking on your new diet, show them these results.

   When my parents started seeing my success — checks coming in the mail, my media interviews and appearances, my continuous work assignments, etc. — they stopped asking me about my new business. They began to understand that I got the ball in my court, and there is no need to worry about me.

8. Get them on board. Show them what you are learning/doing to get them on board. If running your business is your goal, keep them posted on your latest projects, next steps, and upcoming milestones. If becoming a travel writer is your goal, show them your travels, your assignments, pictures, etc. We tend to resist what we don’t know, and when we know more about something, we start to understand that it’s not so scary. When your parents learn more about your path through your actions, they’ll start to be less judgmental and negative, and become more understanding and supportive.
9. Show that you can thrive and realize your needs despite following a different path. The ultimate step to showing the merit of your path is when you show that you are still alive, day after day, despite doing what they thought would be immensely dangerous. Or better still, thrive in it. Being happy every day. Being in charge of your life, and being clear on your goals and plans. Achieving financial success. Being recognized for your work. Making positive change. Not doing anything that would make your parents worry. Showing that you are a wise adult who can now do well in his/her life without any intervention.

Remember, Your Parents Love You

At the end of the day, remember that your parents love you. If they don’t care about you, they wouldn’t bother objecting to what you do at the risk of jeopardizing your relationship with them.

So don’t hate them. Don’t rag on them. Use their objection as an honest source of feedback. I have many articles in my Goal Achievement section on how to achieve your goals in a systematic, strategic manner. If pursuing your passion is your goal, I’ve written extensively on this in my How To Pursue Your Passion (series).

It will take time for them to change their mind, but when they see you succeeding in your path, and feeling happy and fulfilled doing so, they will realize that you are no longer a little boy/girl who requires their constant intervention, worry, and control. They will realize that you have matured into a wise adult who has blossomed and created his/her path in life and knows what he/she is doing. That’s when they start to be more hands off and give you the space to grow and come into your own. ♥

Also check out:

• How To Deal With Unsupportive Friends and Family
• How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents (series)
• My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 1: Growing Up in a Household of Anger

New Release: Be a Better Me in 30 Days!

I’m excited to announce the launch of the upgraded version of Be a Better Me in 30 Days, my 30-day character transformation program! The material has been hugely upgraded, with the guidebook expanding from 230 pages to 308 pages, over 100 participant verbatims added in, workbook updated, and many parts heavily rewritten. 

If you haven’t gotten the program, read about 30BBM here, read the FAQs, or head straight to checkout. Just some testimonials from past 30BBM users:

“Celes, I just want to say that the simple methods you offer in 30BBM have been transformative for me, and I’m in my 50s. People are seeing more change faster than I can imagine.” — Carlene Byron, U.S.

“…The best part was when two separate family members, who had no idea I was doing 30BBM, commented on how much I have changed. The fact that they noticed a change proves that 30BBM has really worked for me.” — Kimberly, Canada

“My boyfriend said to me last night, ‘You seem so much happier recently. Do you think it’s the Personal Excellence work you’ve been doing?’ I told him it almost certainly is. He told me how I seem so much more balanced and calm, and just generally happier. I was so happy to hear that! :D ” – Sarah, United Kingdom

“The whole experience was far beyond my expectations, and I was expecting a lot. From this program, (1) I have learned to use a lot of powerful tools and learned how to face my fears and overcome them. (2) Made huge strides in overcoming negative traits. It is truly amazing to see that I have begun to earnestly be organized, disciplined, focused, purposeful, and a better friend and family member. (3) I am truly striving towards my ideal self and embodying ideal traits. AND, I do not see this as done. I am so looking forward to seeing myself step up the ladder and become a better me.” — Claire R

Thank you to everyone who has purchased the upgraded 30BBM — enjoy the program and your character transformation journey! :) Any questions on 30BBM, let me know here!

Don Ritchie

How did he do that?

Don happened to live near The Gap, an ocean cliff at Sydney. It is a popular visitor destination which has gained infamy as a suicide spot over the years. It is estimated that about 50 people end their lives here each year.^[1]

The Gap, an ocean cliff in Sydney. It’s located at the entrance to Sydney Harbor. It is a well-known place for suicides in Australia.

As individuals walked up to the cliff, looking at the crashing waves below and wondering whether to jump, Don would approach them with a smile asking, “Why don’t you come and have a cup of tea?“

Accepting his offer, these people would be invited into his home where they would have a chat over tea. No counseling, no advising, no prying. Just one human being lending a listening ear to another. Some of these people had mental problems, some had medical illnesses, some are just people going through a rough patch in life. For many, a listening ear was apparently what they needed as they changed their minds about jumping after the chat, and turned back home.

As Don put it in this video,

“Over the years, whether it’s a 160 [people] or 260 or somebody talking about 400 the other night, I have spoken to many, many of them just that way, of [sic] saying, ‘What are you doing over here? Please, come and talk to me. Come over and have a cup of tea. Come and have a beer,’ or something like that. To get them away from their mind, away from going over [the cliff] while I’m there.

And that’s the selling of the idea of coming over and talk about it. ‘Tell me why, what are you worried about?‘

A big percentage of them came and talked to me.”^[2]

This was what Don did for almost 50 years. Talking to the people who walked up the cliff and were contemplating suicide. Extending a helping hand. Giving them a listening ear. And saving countless from suicide in the process. One woman whom Don and his wife saved would write back or visit about once a year, letting them know that she is happy and well.

In 2006, Don was awarded the Medal of the Order of Australia for “service to the community through programs to prevent suicide.” Him and his wife Moya were named “Citizens of the Year” for 2010 by Woollahra Council, the local government authority responsible for The Gap. He also received Local Hero Award for Australia in 2011.^[3] Don died in 2012 at the ripe old age of 86.

Don didn’t manage to save everyone in his time, naturally. Some were already gone by the time he rushed to the cliff. Some rejected his invitation and jumped. Sometimes he would climb over the fence and forcibly hold them while Moya called the police. Once it almost cost his life as the woman tried to launch herself over the side, with Don being the only thing between her and the abyss!^[4]

Yet, Don didn’t weigh himself down with those who were lost. He said that he could not remember the first suicide he witnessed, and none had plagued his dreams. He did his best with each person, and if he lost one, he accepted that there was nothing more he could have done.^[4]

What can we learn from Don’s story?

Sometimes, in our very busy life, we tend to forget about people.

The people who need help, who are just trying to do their best to get by, who are facing their own stresses and worries.

The people who are next to us, or are behind the computer screens at the receiving end of our email/message, or are donning official roles and titles but are people nonetheless.

We may sometimes forget that they are people. Sometimes, we may think of them as objects to help us get things done. Or we may think of them as people who have it altogether, and it doesn’t matter what we say to them or how we treat them — they can deal with their own issues and emotions as we have our own problems to deal with.

But that ain’t true. Every human being is a person. A person with feelings, thoughts, aspirations, fears, responsibilities, and commitments. Just as we’re struggling with our problems, the person next to us, opposite us, or at the other side of the world using the internet to communicate with us also has their own problems that they are struggling with. Just because people aren’t screaming about their issues or aren’t walking around with a tag saying that they are stressed or frustrated doesn’t mean they don’t have their problems.

So how about stopping to show some kindness to a fellow person? :)

• Send a simple text to check how a friend is doing
• Start a conversation with someone
• Give a smile to a stranger or service staff
• Give a hug
• Give a genuine compliment to someone who did good work
• Give someone a call to say hi
• Lend a helping hand to someone who has a problem. For example, if you have a friend who is trying to find a job, see if they need help with their resume, or if they need pointers on job search. Or if you know someone who just went through a breakup, see if they need a listening ear or want to hang out.
• Send a thank-you note to someone who made a difference in your life
• Give a tip to someone who gave great service

So the funny thing about today’s world is that when you try to be friendly and kind, some people may think you are crazy. Some may react adversely and push you aside. Some may be busy and not be able to take you up on your offer (though that doesn’t mean they won’t do a rain check).

But there will be some people who will need this care and love, right now, right when you show it. Perhaps they don’t even know that they need it. Perhaps they may push away your offer of kindness, only to take it up soon after. Perhaps they will react with shock as they never thought someone would care, and then gratefully reciprocate.

For these people, your small little act will make a world of a difference. You may think it doesn’t matter, but it does make a big difference to them. Just as Don’s little invitation for tea and a chat may seem inconsequential to practical people of the material world, such human touch and empathy is exactly what is missing in our world today.

You never know whose life you may change in the process. And perhaps in doing so, you may end up changing your life too. :)

Check out my kindness challenge, which consists of 14 tasks of kindness over 14 days: Kindness Challenge Overview

Other articles I’ve written on inspiring individuals:

• Barbie Thomas: Body Builder with No Arms
• 11 Life Lessons to Learn From Steve Jobs
• 7 Lessons I Learned from a Blind Stranger

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“Dear Celes, I really love reading your blog. You are my role model! I am actively working on revamping and changing my life with the help of your blog.

Celes, I have a huge problem. I am abusive. I have made it my duty to stop cursing and stop raising my hands to my partner. But yesterday I snapped and hurt my partner again — I REALLY do not want to do this. I grew up in a household with domestic violence and I wish to be better than that.

However, my partner frustrates me sometimes and I feel as though she never listens to me — she always denies her mistakes or apologizes but does not mean it. I feel heartbroken that we are hurting each other. I love her. She has forgiven me but I want this to stop once and for all.

Your advice will be very much appreciated.” — Enchanted

Dear Enchanted, thank you for sending this letter. I want to applaud you for sending in this in because it takes courage to seek help on a matter like this. As you know, there is a strong stigma surrounding abuse, for both the victim and the abuser. Yet you have bravely sent in your question and I’ll do my best to assist you.

Laying Out the Problem

Let’s try to break down the problem here:

1. Your partner frustrates you sometimes.
2. In response, you become abusive sometimes, which can include cursing and raising your hands to her.

On #1, this is understandable. All relationships have their moments of frustration. My husband and I have moments when we frustrate each other too. Usually we handle these in a variety of ways from letting it pass to discussing to arguing, but we always try to resolve them and reach a positive place.

But #2 is an issue. Because as much as someone frustrates us, physical violence isn’t the way to handle the situation, whether the person is a stranger or a partner. One may say that it’s worse when the violence is meted out to your partner because this is someone you love, who trusts you not to inflict harm on him/her.

The good thing is that you recognize that (1) this abuse is a problem and (2) you want to stop it. There are abusers who feel that abusing others is okay and they are entitled to violence against their partner. These people have a separate problem altogether. You clearly do not think that way. So how do we tackle this?

Understanding the Source of the Physical Abuse

First, let’s understand the source of the abusive behavior. As we have established above, the source isn’t that your partner frustrates you or her frustrating behavior (that she never seems to listen to you). There are many couples who face problems, including feeling that their partner isn’t listening to them, yet it doesn’t result in violence. Or you can put someone else in your position, in this exact situation, and he/she would probably feel irritated, but not get violent.

The source is something else, and we’re here to understand what.

Enchanted, you mentioned that you grew up in an abusive household and I feel this could well be a strong link to your abusive behavior. According to studies,

• About one-third of people abused in childhood will become abusers themselves.^[1]
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of non-violent parents.^[2]
• Children of domestic violence are three times more likely to repeat this cycle in adulthood.^[3]

Why is this so? That’s because our childhood years are our most formative years. That’s when we form a big chunk of our life scripts, what I call childhood stories, until we consciously rewrite them later. So imagine a child who grows up in an abusive household. The subconscious beliefs formed become something like

• “It’s okay to use violence on others.”
• “Using violence on loved ones is a normal behavior” (because the child’s parents used it on him/each other).
• “I can use violence to express rage.”
• “Violence can be used if the situation calls for it.”
• “Violence is a way to exert control.”

Even if the child is later educated in school/society that violence is a no-no, this will not override his/her fundamental childhood beliefs — especially if they are deeply embedded, especially if the child never got to work through these false beliefs.

I’d like to stress that such beliefs can develop even if the child didn’t grow up in an abusive family. It could be from being a victim of a violent crime, from childhood neglect, from growing up in a verbally abusive family, from being in a broken household, or from being bullied.

As a result, you can have situations where the child, now grown up, is completely nice and gentle. You can’t tell that he grew up in an abusive family or that he’s prone to violent tendencies. He is in total control of his behavior and he genuinely cares for others. (I use the male pronoun for simplicity. A woman can a perpetrator of domestic violence too.)

However, when he gets riled up, this is when anger takes over and things get ugly. His childhood conditioning takes over as he starts shouting at his partner (or child), yelling and perhaps hitting things and hitting him/her. It’s like he’s a demon possessed. He says things that he doesn’t normally say and he does things that he would never, ever do. Alcohol aggravates this behavior as it lowers inhibition and rational thought, and causes the deeper issues to surface.

When everything is over and the dust settles, he begins to deeply regret what he did, said. He apologizes and vows never to do this again. And he really tries his best. But somehow there will be something that trips him down the road, resulting in the same cycle all over again. This is known as the cycle of violence.

To those of you who can relate to Enchanted’s problem, does this feel familiar?

1) Violence is Not the Start of the Problem

The first thing I’d like you to understand is that violence is not the start of the problem. Violence is the tip of the problem, albeit a very extremely serious tip with grave consequences.

The real problem started way before the violence surfaced. It could be when you witnessed or was at the receiving end of domestic violence in your household. It could be when you made certain conclusions about yourself and the world after experiencing the abuse. These incidences, combined with other issues/beliefs, brewed over time to give rise to abusive behavior.

Hence, when the abuse happens, it’s because there has been a certain build up of pain, angst, and grievances, as well as a lineup of preconditions (like abusive beliefs), that results in the lashing out. This is why the abuse occurs despite your best effort — it’s often the final display in a series of unresolved issues.

By saying this, I’m not in any way excusing the abusive behavior. Your partner has physical and emotional pain that she now needs to live with, as do you — but understanding this is crucial to get resolution.

As a result, working on the abusive tendency only isn’t going to solve the problem. You need to get to the root of the issue. Because of that, if you are abusive, I recommend you get professional aid as resolving this will take time. I will, however, keep writing this article to give you a general guide.

2) Understand What’s Triggering the Violence

There are usually triggers to violence. If not, you would be violent to everyone 24/7 which isn’t the case. (There are people like that and they obviously suffer from a different problem.)

Our goal is to understand what these triggers are. It doesn’t mean that these triggers are the issue though. Like I mentioned, violence is the tip, not the start, of the problem. Likewise, these triggers are merely catalysts of the abuse. There are certain pre-existing issues causing the violence to occur. Knowing what these triggers are will give us insight into these deeper issues.

I have an exercise for you:

1. Get some quiet space with yourself.
2. List the past three incidents when you got violent with your partner (or kid, or family member). If there’s been one incident in total, then work with this one.
3. Think about what happened in each incident before you got abusive. Perhaps your partner wasn’t listening to you, said something that insulted you, or did something that pissed you off. Write this down.
4. Pick the incident where you had the biggest reaction. Imagine you are in the situation right now, getting abusive. Ask yourself,
   

   Why am I getting violent?

5. Type the answers that follow. Think of it as having a conversation with yourself, and keep probing until you get to the root reason of the violence. Be prepared for strong emotions surfacing. You’ll know the root cause when you reach there.

Take for example, someone who gets abusive when his partner refuses to listen to him. Here is a set of possible answers:

• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I’m very angry
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because she keeps rattling off even though I’ve told her to stop
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because it’s the only way to get her to stop
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because it’s the only way to make her pay
  • Because otherwise she won’t know how serious I am
  • Because I hate her
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I don’t know what other way to get through to her
  • Because I’m already tried my best
  • Because I’m at my wits’ end
  • Because I don’t know
  • Because I don’t know better
  • Because I’m a pile of shit
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I hate myself
  • Because I don’t know what else I can do
  • Because I just want her to listen to me
  • Because I feel like I’m alone in this world
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I just need her to listen to me
• So why violence?
  • Because if I don’t use violence, I don’t know if she will ever listen to me. I may never get my point across. I may never be heard and understood.
• So why violence? Because you have no right to use violence.
  • Because I don’t know any other way. Violence is the only way I know to get heard.
• Why is it important to get heard?
  • Because if I don’t get heard, I don’t exist. I’m not a real human being.

The answer is out: as it turns out, the person in this example gets abusive because he is screaming to be heard. If he is not heard, he becomes non-existent; a non-existent human being. This thought terrifies him and he cannot accept it. So he desperately lashes out in physical violence, screaming and crying for the one person who matters to listen to him: his partner.

Does this justify the violence? No of course not. Violence is not justifiable under any circumstances, unless it’s self-defense. The above is meant to understand the trigger for the person’s abusive behavior. Of course when you think about it, it doesn’t make sense because not only does violence not help one get heard, but it will make any trusted communication difficult in the future due to fear and trauma. But many deep personal issues are not logical and stem from emotional difficulties. It’s important to recognize and understand them to start the healing process.

Besides this, there can be other reasons for domestic violence. Such as

• Using violence to keep love by your side;
• Using violence as an act of superiority and to create power over your victim;
• Using violence to release your pain;
• Using violence as an act of vengeance, to make your partner “pay” for a wrongdoing (say, infidelity); and
• Using violence to feel that you’re wanted/needed.

Continue the exercise for the other two incidents. If you have more incidents to dig into, repeat with them. Keep doing this until you’ve uncovered all the root causes of your abusive tendencies.

3) Deal with the Root Issues

Depending on your results, you can have multiple factors driving your abusive behavior. These factors can be different or related. Each factor likely deals with a deep personal issue, possibly linked to the trauma you experienced as a child. Get down to the root of each root issue (yes, there are roots to roots) and understand how it came about.

Let’s say you have been using violence to get heard. Your reason is that if you don’t get heard, you feel that you don’t exist. Some questions to dig into are

• Why do you have this belief?
• What makes you think that you don’t exist?
• When did this thinking start, and why?
• How can you start “existing” in this world?

Or let’s say violence is your way to keep love by your side. You feel that you lack love and you cannot stand the thought of not having someone with you. Some questions to think about are

• Why do you lack love?
• What’s keeping you from feeling love?
• What’s love to you?
• How can you start loving yourself?

Tackling each root will likely open a floodgate of emotions: anger, bitterness, hatred, pain. It will also open up a flood of childhood memories and unhappiness. While uncomfortable, it’s necessary because this is the s*** that was not processed before, that subsequently led to your violent behavior today. What’s different is that you’re now an adult, stronger and more conscious of who you are. What was confusing before can now be properly analyzed as you are able to dissect and understand them.

The above will take time. You need time to work through grief, pain, anger, hate, and perhaps even loss. I recommend you to read my How To Deal With Anger (series), which is on removing anger from your life and identifying deeper issues that drive anger in us.

In any case, the self-healing must happen, first and foremost, before you can expect a fully functional relationship with your partner. You must work on your self-love before turning to your partner for love. You must work on your issues on “being heard” before expecting your partner to listen to you. You must work on neediness issues instead of turning your relationship into a needy one. Because unresolved internal issues will ripple out to your relationship with your loved ones — it’s not a coincidence that your inner struggles have impacted your life. When you heal yourself, you make it possible to have a meaningful relationship with others.

4) Use Coping Strategies in the Interim

As the healing will take time, it’ll be good to have coping strategies to manage the abusive behavior. I recommend the following:

1. As there is an unhealthy dynamic between you and your partner right now, I recommend you limit physical contact, at least until you feel that you have made enough headway in your recovery such that the abuse will not recur. This is really for your safety and her’s (or his). With the internet and smartphones, it’s easy to still be in touch while not being physically by each other’s side. If you are spouses, consider living in separate places (like with your own parents). Time apart will also help you focus on solving your inner issues.
2. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you must cut off complete contact. Keep your partner in the loop of your discoveries. Involve her so that she can encourage you and be a part of your healing process.
3. Should you need to meet,
   1. Meet in public spaces. If not, have at least 1-2 other people (adults) in your company.
   2. Have your partner save a few emergency helplines on speed dial and keep her phone on her at all times. She should call them should there be anything amiss.
   3. If you feel anger stirring in you and your abusive side surfacing, get as far away from your partner as possible. Leave the place. Journal the questions I provided in Step #2. Write as much as you need and let the angst flow through the words. Get to the root of why you’re suddenly feeling the need to be violent. Is it a new root? Or something you’ve already uncovered but have not fully addressed? Address it as per Step #3.
4. Your partner should call a domestic abuse helpline to receive counseling as a victim, so she is better equipped to deal with abuse situations.

5) Recognize the Sacredness of Your Partner’s Body

As you work on your self-healing, I want to bring attention to the sacredness of the human body. One of the factors of domestic violence is that the abuser feels like they “own” the victim’s body and they have the right to do whatever they wish to it. This belief is subconscious rather than conscious, especially if the abuser does not consciously want to abuse.

Understand why there’s a part of you that is okay with hitting your partner. You may have these answers:

• “Because she’s a part of me”
• “Because I can do whatever I want with her”
• “Because she’s my spouse/partner and hence she’s ‘mine’“
• “Because she says she loves me and hence she’d be okay with that. She’d understand.”
• “It happened before and she forgave me. So, she’ll forgive me again even if I lose control.”

Go through each statement one by one and ask yourself if it’s really true.

Because while she is your partner, that doesn’t give you the right to hit her or feel like you can “control” her. Your partner is an individual human being, as are you. Her body is sacred as is yours. Rather than subconsciously feel that you “own” her body because she is with you, you should recognize and treasure the sacredness of her body, as you would with any human being’s. Your partner is a separate human being and she deserves love, respect, and dignity as do you. To use violence on her would be to disrespect who she is and abuse your place as her lover and partner. This understanding is fundamental to breaking abuse patterns.

Wrapping Up

Abuse is a very deep topic and it’s not possible for me to cover everything in just one article. What I’ve done is provide some general pointers to put you in the right direction. I hope I’ve helped in some way.

This article is not meant as a replacement for professional help for addressing abuse. I highly recommend that both you and your partner get professional aid in addressing this episode. For your partner, it’s important because there is trauma associated with abuse. Letting this sit in her without dealing with it may result in a cycle of violence later in her life.

I did a Google search and there are many organizations that provide domestic abuse help. Here are some helplines to call; these helplines are 24/7:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
• Love is respect (US / for teens)
• National Domestic Violence Helpline (UK)
• 1800 RESPECT (Australia)

Even if you’re not in those countries, I think you can just call them — I honestly do not think that they restrict help only to people in their locality. Skype lets you make international calls; just add the country code in front of their hotline number.

There are also domestic abuse counseling services in many countries and you can do a Google search for results in your locality. Just calling the helplines above will be a great start.

Please keep me posted on how this goes, okay?

If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, read: I’m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?

Also read: How to Let Go of Anger (series)

Do you hate to say no? Do you often find yourself saying yes because you don’t like to make others feel bad?

Well, I do, and I can relate. I used to be terrible at saying no until I realized that continually saying “yes” was digging myself into a ditch and led me with little time for my personal goals and relationships.

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share 6 tips to say no that I’ve been applying, along with personal examples:

• Tip #1: Know what you want to say yes to [00:57]
• Tip #2: Know that saying no is okay [04:43]
• Tip #3: Many little yeses to irrelevant things, or mildly relevant things, even if small, can deviate you from your main goal [08:26]
• Tip #4: Be honest about it [13:22]
• Tip #5: Give alternatives (if you like) [19:04]
• Tip #6: Do a life audit if you’re getting a high noise signal [20:04]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

How To Say No To Others

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Read the transcript for this episode here.

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How To Say No [Transcript]

Welcome to the Personal Excellence Podcast, the show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 6. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co. Today’s topic really hits home for me. It’s about how to say no.

I don’t know about you, but I used to be really bad at saying no. In a way I still am. But I’ve learned to be a lot better at it. If you are someone who has difficulty saying no, today I want to share with you six tips that have worked really well for me and I hope you’ll find them helpful.

1) Know what is it you want to say yes to

My tip number one is to know what you want to say yes to. For me, when I just focus on learning how to say no as an action in itself, it becomes a hollow quest. Because my default self is to help people. I like to agree to requests as much as I can. And I like to be there for other people.

Obviously, this has its own implications. After countless situations where I just kept saying yes, yes, yes to every single person, request, and favor, I just didn’t have any time for myself, for my goals.

On the other hand, when I focus on the things that I want to say yes to, meaning my biggest goals and dreams, my Quadrant 2 projects, this helps me define this clear vision of the real big priorities in my life. Let’s say I don’t have this clear vision. Everything can simply be important. Yet, when framed into the context where we all have limited time on Earth, we all have certain ambitions to realize within our lifetime, then it becomes clear that we need to prioritize the things that we say yes to, and hence no to the other things.

For me, what I want to say yes to would be PE. All of you guys. Growing it, creating more content for you guys, creating more great courses. Just being there for all of you, through my content. And of course, my loved ones, my family members. And my own personal growth and health. These would be the biggest rocks I wish to say yes to. So these priorities will never change. They will just be there, till the day I die.

Knowing these key big rocks puts into context the things I should say yes to, and the things I should say no to. For example, let’s say someone may be asking for a favor or pitching a proposal or an idea that is not a good fit for my business. Then letting it drag on will not help my Quadrant 2 goals, and in fact, waste the other person’s time. It’s clear that I need to say no to the distractions, the things that deviate me from my mission, as well as time for my loved ones, my personal health, and sanity.

So my question to you is:

1. What do you want to say yes to?
2. What are your biggest goals and dreams?
3. What are your personal ambitions?

By having this clear idea in your mind, it helps you become more aware that — some of the things that you have been having difficulty saying no to? These are probably things that you need to say no to. By dragging on and saying yes to things that you may not be 100% committed to or passionate about, that’s not really helping you realize your highest goals and dreams.

2) Saying no is okay

My tip number two is to know that saying no is OK.

In the past, I felt that when I say no, I would be regarded as an asshole. That people would hate me. That I would just be seen as being ungenuine, just not being true to my mission. I didn’t want that because I just truly from the bottom of my heart want to be there for everybody as much as possible.

So I just kept saying yes to every single request, favor, that came along my way. In the end, even with giving up my own sleep and just working around the clock, I still did not have time for the goals that I wish to pursue, my own priorities, and my loved ones, and much less my health.

So I learned the hard way that saying no, not only is it OK, but it is very much necessary. For such a long time, I just tried so hard and tried my best not to say no to people. Because I felt that it wasn’t OK. But I learned that hard and painful way that this isn’t true and saying no is okay, and in fact necessary in many circumstances.

What I’ve learned from this episode is that when you say no, it doesn’t mean that you are being rude or you’re not being true. If anything, when you say no to something that you are not 100% committed to, and you’re really just saying yes because you’re afraid to say no? That is when you are not being true. You’re not being true to yourself and you’re not being true to that person you are saying yes to. Because you do not feel 100% committed to that cause or request or favor, whatever the other party is requesting.

Being true means that you are being honest and authentic in terms of how you feel. If it’s a no-go, or you don’t feel like it’s something you can say yes to, then just be honest about that. That is what it means to be truthful. You can’t expect everybody’s question or requests would always be 100% aligned with your own needs and expectations. Many times, they are just not going to be. This is especially so if you are in a position where you often get people pitching things to you, where people want your time and attention, or maybe you are a consultant that people would like your advice. You would probably find yourself in situations where there are things that are not aligned with your own priorities and needs, and you have to say no to.

When that happens, this is 100% okay and normal. You shouldn’t feel that you are an asshole, or that you are a negative person, or that you are in the wrong because that is not true at all. People say no all the time in this world, be in relationships or in business. Saying no is needed to let other people know that this is not aligned, this is not working out. Then they can move on to find the right person that would be a good fit for whatever they are requesting about.

3) Many little yeses to irrelevant things can deviate you

My tip number three is to know that many little yeses to irrelevant things, or mildly irrelevant things — even if these things are small, they can ultimately still deviate you from your main goal.

This is also something that I had to realize for myself. I always try to accommodate other people’s needs. I always want to make sure that everyone is happy, and there are no conflicts and so on.

So that means that oftentimes in the past, I would want to say yes. Sometimes when it’s a very clear-cut situation where it’s about saying no, I just say no. But then there are the situations where it is just something that requires a very small amount of your time. 30 minutes, two hours, one hour, whatever. It is just a small commitment of your time, and then you would be thinking, Yeah why not?

So doing that, I ended up saying yes to so many things. It could be a favor, a request, an invitation to something, an interview with X publication, meetups, and so on. Like everything! I just kept saying yes because I’d be thinking, Yeah why not? This looks like something I can allocate a couple of hours to. And I just genuinely wanted to be there for each and everybody who contacted me.

But after years of doing that, my agenda became flooded with people’s requests, wants, and needs. Even though each request would take maybe 30 minutes, an hour or two or three, when added together, it became a huge load on myself. It got to a point where I was going crazy. I would be staying up late every day, replying to emails or fulfilling certain things that I had agreed to in the past. And because I always wanted to put my best foot forward — I don’t believe in agreeing to something and then just doing it shabbily. I always feel like if I’m agreeing to something, I want to put my best foot forward to that. And I did. So Ken would be seeing me sleeping so late every day, and he would always be expressing concern. I realized that I really need to be more watchful in how I allocate my time because we don’t have unlimited time on Earth.

This tip is really about being discerning of the things that you say yes to. Because even if it’s just one small thing that seems mildly relevant and takes a little bit of your time, when you say yes to a lot of these things, ultimately you will get deviated very far from your main goal.

During this whole period where I just kept saying “Yes” and “Why not?” to all of the little things that were mildly relevant or that I thought I could offer a bit of my time to, this resulted in me neglecting my overall Quadrant 2 goals for PE, be it content creation, article writing, and so on. That just made me feel miserable because in trying to say yes to every single little thing that was mildly irrelevant, in the end, I ended up saying no to this huge thing which is so crucial to me and impacts so many people on a large scale.

This links back to tip number one about knowing what you want to say yes to. Because when you’re just saying although yeses to all of the little things, ultimately you’re just saying no to that big thing you wish to accomplish.

The question to you is: Is this what you want? Would you rather be spending your time doing little things that are mildly relevant to your dreams, your goals, your life? Or do you want to devote your energy focused on doing those one, two, three big things that would give you that maximum fulfillment when you realize them?

Well, the question is to you. I know I want to choose the latter. That’s because when I do the latter well, I will impact a lot more people on a much bigger scale. That gives me a lot more meaning, fulfillment, and happiness in life.

4) Be honest about it

My tip number four is to be honest about it.

I know we can be really tough to say no and communicate it to someone. Of course, we feel like we would be hated and we would seem like we are nasty folks when we are saying no. Some people may not take that well.

But that is not a reason not to say no. If anything, it helps to just communicate that reason directly now, so that the other person can know how you truly feel. As opposed to living in the charade and living behind pretenses.

Actually, most of the times, you wouldn’t even need to give a reason if you’re not exactly close to the person. But if there is some strong preexisting relationship, and if you just want to be honest, then you can just give the reason if it makes you’ll feel better.

Example: When I said no to a request

So a couple months ago, I received a request from someone and he was inviting me to join his company on his board of advisors. This was a high honor. And this is someone who is very important and of high status. And I did consider that.

But when I thought about what I truly want to say yes to… As what I mentioned just now, what I want to say yes to, like my big yes, would be to develop PE further, to create all this great content for you guys to help you in your growth. And to be there for the community. I’ve known from my past experiences that PE takes up a fair level of my time. If I were to allocate my time elsewhere, it would just be diverting my time from what truly matters to me. It would be the kind of nice-to-be-involved project — like things that I kept getting a lot of over the years and that I’ve said yes to countless times, but in the end it took up so much of my time and energy and left me drained at the end of the day with no time for my health, relationships, and my most important goals.

So I realized that I needed to say no, and it was about communicating that no. So then I replied to the email and I drafted it out. I thought about how to best present my stance without offending this person. (I didn’t offend him.) I certainly didn’t want want to burn bridges.

And then I just typed my e-mail and then deleted some stuff, and then typed some more. Left it there for a couple of hours. Came back later to look at it with fresh eyes to see [if there was] anything that needed amending. In the process of typing that e-mail, I decided to be honest as opposed to coming up with random excuses.

So yeah. I just wrote honestly about how I feel that as an honor, but I don’t feel like I can be involved in this because to do so would take away time from the most important goals and projects in my life. If I want to be involved in something, I want to be involved in it 100%. But I don’t feel I’m able to commit 100% to this thing, and because of that, I need to say no. And then I clicked send.

After that, I was a little bit anxious because I was worried that I might offend him.

Well, in less than a day, I received an e-mail reply from him. He said he read the e-mail with a smile on his face and not even to worry about it because he wasn’t offended in any way at all. And he just wished me all the best. That was that! So in my mind, I was worried about whether I would be offending him, and I was spending a few days thinking about how to articulate my reply. He just replied in less than a day and just said, don’t sweat it!

A lot of times our worries about saying no, it may well just be in our mind, you know? We may be worried about how people may feel, may think, and so on. And that’s with good reason obviously. Because we don’t want to be nasty people. We don’t want to be rude to people. We don’t want to make people feel bad if we can. I totally understand that.

But sometimes, maybe certain people are really just articulating a request or suggestion. Maybe they are doing the same thing to other people as well. Maybe they’re not even thinking too much about that.

So as opposed to putting the weight of the world on your shoulders, maybe what really helps is just being honest in your communications and not to worry or think too much about something until it has happened. Because as the saying goes, over 90-95% of the worries that we have, tend to be just in our minds.

5) Give alternatives

My fifth tip is to give alternatives.

If it makes you feel better, you can suggest alternatives. This is an optional tip. You don’t have to do that because you can’t possibly be suggesting alternatives to every single thing that you say no to, especially if you often need to say no.

But, as and when you feel appropriate, you can give some alternative suggestions that the person can consider. Let’s say someone wants you to get involved in the particular project and you can’t. Then you can suggest someone else if you can think of someone who would be suitable.

You don’t necessarily have to do that but if you feel like it’s something that can make you feel better, and you can offer it without significant cost on your end, then you can give alternatives.

6) Do a life audit

My sixth and last tip is to do a life audit if you’re getting a high noise signal.

What do I mean by that? I have found that for every request, there’s always an evaluation process where you are thinking, Should I engage in this? Should I not? What are the trade-offs? What will it cost? What do I need to put in? What could potentially be the outcome from this?  

This is known as cognitive load. Cognitive load is that load on your mind when you’re processing a decision. When you’re dealing with just one request or two requests, that cognitive load isn’t apparent. But when you’re dealing with a high volume of requests for an extended period of time, you probably will feel drained after some time — yet you can’t really understand why.

So you could be not doing much, but you still feel a load on your mind. That would be cognitive load at work.

Let’s say you’re getting so many requests that require your mental energy to process, to think through, and to weigh the pros and cons. That would be very draining. Ideally, you want to cut down the number of requests that you have to process and to increase the hit rate. Hit rate is the chance of a request being compatible with what you wish to do.

If you are getting a lot of requests that aren’t a fit and that you need to continually think about how to reject, then this is what I call a high noise signal. High noise signal meaning that there is a high ratio of requests that are incompatible and hence the term “noise.”

So over the years, I’ve been receiving a lot of requests. Initially, in the first few years, it was manageable. After a while, it started to weigh down on me. It wasn’t something that was immediately apparent. This was something that just started building up over the months and years.

Just a few months ago, I started thinking, What am I doing? In that, I was feeling so weighed down by this high noise signal. Unfortunately, there’s just so much noise on the Internet these days. Just by the corollary of having an Internet presence, that also means that you get a very high volume of spam and random requests from people not reading the instructions on the contact page. So I dealt with that problem for quite a while, and then I hired my assistant last year who started to be involved in helping me manage my email and that helped me tons.

But ultimately, whether it is email processing done by me or my assistant, the whole situation just didn’t feel right. In that, a very very small minority of the e-mails that were coming in were a fit for what I wish to pursue. Especially as I got more clarity on the important projects that I wish to be involved in, which would be scale-based activities like creating content, working on online courses at PE, just building the community at large. It was so little like I think last year out of the thousands of e-mails that came in, less than five were a fit for what I wish to pursue.

With this revelation, I realized that I needed to review the communication channels on my site.

• I needed to say no to 1-1 coaching because this was not a fit with the scale-based direction that I wanted to go into. Like I really enjoy 1-1 coaching. But it was no longer feasible to keep taking on 1-1 coaching clients because it was taking my time away from other scale-based projects.
• It also meant saying no meet-up requests which I would get a lot off because those were just taking up a lot of my time and energy as well.
• It also meant removing my email from the PE contact page because a lot of people were abusing it and sending things that were not relevant to whatever I mentioned on that page.

Doing that helped clear out a lot of the noise.

So as opposed to taking up all this time to think about which e-mails were worth pursuing, which e-mails to archive and so on, all this energy can then be spent and invested into a more constructive use. Like improving the overall platform. Creating new material for all of you guys and so on.

That is just one example. When there’s a high level of noise signal in your life, that suggests that something is misaligned and it’s something to look into.

A totally different example: Let’s say you are single and you’re dating. You’re looking for your ideal relationship. But perhaps you’ve been getting so many different date requests. A lot of them tend to be low-quality dates. Low-quality dates in the sense of dates that are not compatible with you, your values, and the kind of person you’re looking for.

If that’s the case, it helps to do some audit. Maybe you are just going to the wrong places to meet people. Maybe the dates that you’ve been getting, maybe they’re coming from a particular channel, like a particular dating app or dating website, and maybe the audience profile on these sites or apps are just not a good fit for the kind of person you are and the kind of person you’re looking for.

This is assuming that your dating picture, your dating profile, that everything is already optimized and true to who you are and how you want to present yourself. Then perhaps there’s something to be reviewed. Maybe it’s about going to a different place to meet new people. Maybe is about exploring different channels, different apps, different dating websites. Basically changing your approach as opposed to perpetuating that cycle.

So the end goal is to continually improve the processes in your life: the way that you’re doing things, how you’re communicating with people. The ideal scenario is to get a healthy volume of requests that are a great fit for what you wish to pursue that you can readily say yes to. And there would be a high hit ratio.

Closing Note

I hope you’ve found today’s podcast helpful. For more on how to say no, check out my article on how to say no, at personalexcellence.com/blog/say-no/.

Every podcast takes a lot of work to create. If you’ve found The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful in any way, I would truly, truly appreciate it if you could take a few seconds of the time to leave a positive rating on iTunes. You’ll help spread the show to more people out there, and to help others in their journey of growth.

So thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to speaking to you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• How To Say No To Others
• How To Say No [Manifesto]

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Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were to lose your parents one day? Do you feel scared at this thought? Reader Sumedha asks this question:

“Lately, I’m getting too emotional over my fear of losing my parents. I just get stricken with a strong sense of guilt that I’m not doing anything back to them and I owe them a lot. I’m too attached to them and I can’t help myself from feeling this way. I know they’re doing a lot for me and I’m grateful for that but this feeling just gets too much. I’d really be thankful to you if you can help me get over this feeling. Thank you so much.”

How do you overcome the fear of losing your parents or your loved ones? Beyond burying our heads in work and miscellaneous distractions, and ignoring this sinking feeling of something that we don’t wish to face, what can we do to tackle this fear?

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share

• The nature of death [03:59]
• 2 key reasons why most people feel (heavy) guilt or fear of losing their loved ones [06:42]
• Reader Kimberly’s loss of her dad and my advice to her [07:19]
• The eternity of our spirit [08:15]
• Carrying on your loved one’s message after he/she has passed on [08:57]
• How to address the fear of losing loved ones [12:10]
• Loving our parents (and loved ones) start today [12:47]
• Showing love doesn’t have to be materialistic [13:45]
• Lag time when you try to improve your relationship with your parents [14:33]
• We should not take life for granted [14:58]
• Create a list of things start loving and appreciating your parents (or loved ones) — starting today [16:21]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

I’m Scared of Losing My Parents. What Should I Do?

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

I’m Scared of Losing My Parents. What Should I Do? [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 4. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

So thank you so much for listening today. I hope you are having a wonderful day. It’s Wednesday here right now and I’m just looking forward to speaking to you guys.

Today we have a question from Sumedha, who wants to know how to deal with the fear of losing our parents. Well, let’s hear from her first.

Hi Celestine, I’m Sumedha from India. I’m 17 years old. I’ve been reading articles for the past one year. I really find them genuinely useful as I can relate to most of what you faced in your life to my current scenario.

My question today is lately, I’m getting too emotional on my fear of losing my parents one day. I just get stricken by a strong sense of guilt that I’m not doing anything to give back to them and I owe them a lot. I’m too attached to them and I just can’t help myself get past this feeling and I end up digging it deep into my mind. I know they’re doing a lot for me and I’m grateful to that. But this feeling just gets too much for me.

So I would be really thankful to you if you can help me get over this feeling. Thank you so much.

Hey Sumedha, thank you so much for your question. A very very heartfelt question and I really appreciate how open you are.

Well, I want to say first that your question just speaks volumes about how much you love your parents and how filial you really are. Because I can hear this strong sense of emotions coming through as you were speaking just now.

I totally understand the fear of losing your parents because for most of us, our parents raised us. They are and have been a big part of our lives. For some of us, it’s the first 18 years of our lives; for the others, it could well be the whole of our lives especially those of us in living in Asian cultures.

So losing our parents is definitely a very real fear. And I personally can understand, in that losing my parents as a real possibility that I need to prepare for. Something to realize especially in the past one year. Besides the fact that all of us will die one day, it’s also that my parents are now older. I’m now 31 turning 32 (as of 2016), so my parents are in the 60s, they are not getting any younger.

With old age comes the fact that they are not as fit or healthy as before. Especially my mom — I’ve not mentioned this anywhere, but my mom was diagnosed with cancer last year. Everything’s fine now, like she’s going through treatment and so on. So everything is going great. It really helps that she’s optimistic. She’s incredibly independent and she just brushes off the whole issue as if it’s no big deal. It really makes things easier for us.

But it also brought home this message that maybe there isn’t going to be a lot of time left with my parents and it’s really important that I make the best out of the time that I have with them now.

Death is a Reality

So, the first thing is to know that death is a reality. In that one day, you are going to die. So am I, I’m gonna die as well.

This is the same for our parents if your parents are still around. For those of you whose parents aren’t, I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. And you probably can empathize more than anyone else the things that we’re talking about right now.

For some of us, our grandparents aren’t even around anymore. For me, all my grandparents have already passed on except for one of my grandmothers.

So the fact is we are all going to die. And I don’t this as a sad thing as much as it is simply part and parcel of life, if it makes sense?

Because for there to be life, there has to be death. For an organism, in order for it to live, it will have to experience death. That is part of the beauty and the nature of living.

So I don’t really think that’s a need to resist the idea or the notion of death as much as understanding it’s part of our being, like just being here on Earth.

And it’s the same for our loved ones as well. If our loved one is to pass on, it’s not really about resisting this idea as much as understanding that this is part of the entire package when we were brought to this Earth. As opposed to feeling negative about it, I think it’s about how can we make the best of it.

This brings to my second point which the key point here isn’t about how can we get rid of the fear, even though that’s not really why you’re asking Sumedha. I don’t really think the key point here is about how we get rid of the fear that surrounds death or death of our parents or how can we detach ourselves from this fear.

Because our parents will die one day as will us. When you love someone, that will naturally be the fear of losing them. I don’t really think it’s about detaching yourself from this fear as much as you asking yourself, “How can I make the best out of my time with them while we are alive?”

Two key reasons for fear/guilt of losing our loved ones

I see the majority of this fear surrounding the death of our loved ones, it comes down to two things:

1. Regretting not loving them or not expressing our love for them, our appreciation for them while they were alive.
2. Being at a loss, not knowing what we are going to do or what’s going to become of us when our parents pass on. That we’ll be alone in this world without the very people who raised us, who brought us to this Earth.

Let me tackle the second factor first, then the first factor.

Reader Kimberly’s Loss

There was this course participant and longtime reader Kimberly who sent in this Ask Celes letter a couple of years back. Some of you might have read that post before. It’s at personalexcellence.co/blog/loss-of-loved-ones/

So Kim’s father passed away unexpectedly and she was at a loss. This was when she sent in the Ask Celes letter. She wanted to ask me what she should do because she felt that her dad had been this great supporter and inspiration to her, and one of the closest persons in her life up until his passing. She just didn’t know what to do.

In that post, I talked to her about several things and you can read the post in detail for that. But mainly what I mentioned was that just because your dad has passed away doesn’t mean that he isn’t around. This depends on your own spiritual or religious beliefs, but I personally believe that we are souls and we live on forever. Physical death is merely the ending of one part of our existence. Our souls live beyond that. So depending on what you believe, I personally believe that her dad is still around and is well possibly still with her in spirit.

The second thing is, say you don’t believe in spiritual existence or you focus on the fact that your loved one isn’t around anymore. Just because someone dear to you has passed on doesn’t mean that the person’s existence shouldn’t be a part of your life, if it makes any sense. You can still cherish that person’s existence and the impact he/she has made in your life before, by carrying on the messages that you remember from him or her.

For example, in Kim’s case, I told her that she can still uphold her dad’s spirit. Continuing to be inspired by him. And that just because your loved one, parent, or parents have passed on does not mean that they should stop being a motivator in your life. They can still be. You can carry on your values, their teachings, whatever they told you before, their love for you. Carrying that on in your own way and spreading that to the people you meet, the people who are in your lives. So in essence, your parents still live on in you, in spirit.

The other thing I told Kim is that beyond being inspired and motivated by her dad — which is a fantastic thing — it’s important that she learns to live on for herself.

Her dad might have ignited in her about her goals, her dreams, but ultimately that is the catalyst to her finding herself and learning how to live for herself. Creating the life that she loves for herself and for the people around her (at that point she just had a baby).

So that was the cliff notes of the article and you can read more at that link. Kim read it and after about one year three months, she replied to me. She told me how things have been really good for her. She is now an editor of a monthly “Good News” newspaper in her town. She has doubled her income. She’s spending all the time pursuing her passion, doing what she loves in photography and in writing. Meeting people who truly inspire her and being excited about her work. Also, her daughter is already two, and she is continually inspired by her every single day. Basically, she is living life on her terms and living her true path. Reading that I was so excited and happy for her.

The key thing that I want to say here is that sometimes we may be fearful of losing our loved ones or our parents. It can be because we do not know how life would be after they are gone. The most important thing is to know that you can continue to carry on their existence in spirit and to honor who they are, as well as to know that you will be fine at the end of the day.

Because your parents brought you to Earth for a reason. Because they know that you are going to make it. That you are going to be this fighter. And you’re going to be spreading light to this entire world. And that’s why your parents had you. That’s why they brought you into this world.

Loving our parents start today

Getting to the first point that I was mentioning just now, about regretting not loving our parents, regretting not appreciating them while they are alive. This is a very real concern. Sometimes we can be so inundated with all the different concerns, the objectives, the pressures of daily living that we can forget about the things that are most precious to us. In this case, it would be our parents or our loved ones.

I feel here it’s about realizing that showing love for our parents and being there for our parents, it doesn’t have to and shouldn’t wait till they are gone, if you know what I mean? We do not need to wait until our parents have died and for us to be crying and regretting what we should’ve done or shouldn’t have done. Loving our parents and showing love and appreciating them, it can happen today.

To Sumedha and all of you out there who may be feeling fearful of losing your parents or loved ones, I feel that a chunk of this fear may simply come down to you feeling that you are not doing as much as you wish for them. My point to you is that it can all start now. It doesn’t have to wait until a few months or a few years later. Or when you feel that you’re ready.

It also doesn’t have to come in the form of gifts, monetary goods, giving them a big house, or buying them a car. It doesn’t have to be something materialistic. It can just simply be you being there, you spending more time with them. And I can tell you for sure that they are going to appreciate that. They are going to appreciate the fact that you are being there for them.

Sometimes it may not come through right away, especially let’s say you’ve had a period of baggage with your parents. Maybe years of conflict and I know some of you have that.

So let’s say you suddenly turn things around and start contacting them out of the blue or start interacting with them more openly after a period of not doing so. Sometimes there’s a lag time. Maybe they will respond negatively or they will respond nonchalantly or wonder, What the heck are you trying to do? This was what I experienced in the past when I was trying to improve my relationship with my parents.

But in a matter of time, they will start to see what you’re doing, as well as appreciate what you are trying to do here, even if it may not be spoken.

So to you Sumedha, you are 17. You’re so young. I do not know how old your parents are and it doesn’t even matter how old your parents are, to be honest. Because we should not take life for granted. Because any one of us can just disappear and die tomorrow.

The key point I want to mention here is that your parents have not passed away yet. Every moment you feel fearful of them passing on or them not being around anymore, it’s not being in the moment because your parents have not passed away yet!

As long as you are worrying and fearful that they are not around, you’re just putting yourself in this future potential state which is not even here! As opposed to focusing on the fact that your parents are alive, well, with you and asking yourself, “What can I do with them?” and “What can I do for them out of my love for them?”

I would recommend to focus on loving them right now today, every day, in your best own capacity. Not loving them because you have to. But loving them because you want to. As opposed to worrying about what to do, when/if they die because they are not dead yet. The point is that they are still around, they are still with you.

1) Things you want to tell your parents

So I’d recommend, to all of you listening right now, brainstorm and come up with a list. This list should comprise two things:

The first thing is, think about what are the things that you have always wanted to tell your parents but you haven’t. This can be something like I love you. I know can sound insane especially for those of us living in the Asian culture. I know if I say “I love you” to my parents they’ll think I’m nuts and I’ve gone wonky.

So what I do instead when I try to say I love you to them, is that I present it in the way that they will understand. This can be in terms of the common lingo that’s used in my family is, “Have you eaten? Have you eaten dinner? Have you had lunch?” This is the common lingo in my family that expresses concern. Now obviously, it can be different from family to family.

Of course, just simply spending time. Let’s say my dad is in the living room and watching TV. For me just sitting there and I can be doing my own work but just having this time together. We might not be talking because my dad isn’t someone who talks a lot. So just spending time with him is my way of expressing love to him which I feel he understands as well.

For my mom, my mom is more articulate. So I make a point to try to call her once a week or once every few days to check on things, how she is doing. I try to go back home as much as possible. But I’m now married and living my own place which is quite far away from where I used to live with my parents. So calling her and this is something I did not do in the past. But over the years it just came naturally. In the past, I would think this is bizarre and strange to just be talking to my mom on the phone. But now we can even be talking for several minutes, 10 minutes, which is long considering we used to not talk. Whereas in the past, it would be like me screaming and shouting and all of us just shouting at each other and that.

2) Things you want to do with them, for them

So that’s the first thing. Think about things you want to tell your parents. The second thing is to think about the things you want to do with your parents and for them.

The best way to imagine this is to think about the day when your parents pass on. When that happens, what you wish to have done with them, for them? For me, it is my wish to bring my parents on a vacation. Well, it has not materialized at all because my parents simply do not believe in traveling overseas. They simply think that it is a waste of money. And I totally understand and respect that. So my parents are extremely frugal. We come from a low-income family and these views helped shape me and make me someone who is prudent about her expenditures and careful with money and I totally appreciate that. But I also hope that one day,  I’ll be able to bring them on a vacation, when they are ready to, when they wish to. And of course when my mom is better and she finishes her cancer treatment and so on.

So that is something that I have in mind when that time comes. But in the meantime before that happens, nowadays I would every few months suggest that all of us, like the whole family — my brother and his girlfriend, and me and Ken and my parents — that we just go out and have a meal. This is something that my parents value. They regard going out for a meal as a celebratory event. So that is something that is in line with their language of love.

So that’s for me. How about for you? What are the things that you want to do with your parents and for them?

Now is the time

For these two particular things, (a) things you want to tell your parents and (b) things you want to do with your parents or for them, think about how you can start working on that right now. Not like a few years down the road or whatever unless there are certain circumstances that you need to put this thing off.

For the things that you are able to act on right now, how can you make that happen right now? Think of this as a natural expression of your love to your parents and then working it as part of your regular routine and your regular self in terms of your interactions with them.

I believe that as you do that more and more, expressing your love — through actions, through words, through the time that you spend with them — you may well find that the fear of losing our parents starts to reduce. That’s because you are now truly embracing and bringing your relationship with your parents higher and higher, to the level it can be. Whereas previously, the fear might have been from a pent-up regret that you may well not get to do/say the things that you want to your parents when they pass on. Now you are actually taking action on this.

Instead of fearing when they pass on, you are appreciating and finding joy and love in the time that you spend with them. And this is the key point here. Not to immerse yourself in guilt, regret or fear, but to immerse yourself in the love you have for parents. Because I believe that part of that fear is stemming from how much you really love them. And then to let this love flourish. Let them know how much you love them. Don’t wait for a later time because sometimes this later time may well not come. And I truly hope that your relationship with your parents will flourish to its highest level. :)

Closing Note

So keep me posted on how things go Sumedha. To all of you listening to this, whether your parents are with you or not, I truly believe that our loved ones are with us in spirit, even if they might have left the Earth. So I hope this message gets out to anyone when needs to hear this today.

If you find the podcast helpful in any way, I would really appreciate it if you could give us a great rating on iTunes. That would really support the show and help us reach more people.

So thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to speaking to you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• My Father Just Passed Away and It Seems Pointless that He Isn’t Around Anymore. What Should I Do?
• How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents (series)
• How To Overcome the Fear of Losing Loved Ones

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I thought these 5 questions serve as a great self-reminder to always share the most positive and inspiring comments with others. While it’s not possible to adhere to these 5 criteria all the time (especially if we’ve never given second thought to our words before), constantly asking ourselves these 5 questions will make it second nature over time.

Here are examples of how to apply each criteria in our daily life:

1. Is it true? Make only comments that are true — true to what you feel, true to your beliefs, and true to what you know about the world. When everyone communicates in truth, it allows us to forge connections in openness and trust.
2. Is it helpful? Always give the most helpful comments, especially when someone is asking for your opinion/advice. That’s because the person may heed what you say, and giving someone badly thought-out or random advice would lead the person on a wild goose chase, in turn wasting their time. “Helpful” here includes helping the person feel better, helping them gain clarity, helping them take action, and/or helping them reach a decision.
3. Is it inspiring? There are 2 ways to trigger people into action — first by force (fear), second by power (love). The first is done through manipulation, coercion, negative triggers, and/or punishment. The second is done by inspiring people to their true potential and power. The inspirational way is the most powerful way as that’s when you help others discover their true power from within. Being “inspiring” doesn’t have to come from making big statements or promises — it can be just simply speaking from your heart and speaking with the intent to uplift others.
4. Is it necessary? What is necessary is subjective. For me, necessary means something that I feel the person must hear, that will add value to the person’s life, and that will further the conversation. (It doesn’t include gossip, overt focus on formalities (rather than the connection), or tactless remarks.) When you focus on the necessary, conversations become more meaningful; people also appreciate what you have to say because they know there’s a reason behind everything you say.
5. Is it kind? As we live in a digital age where everyone is quick to make knee-jerk reactions and criticize vs. appreciate, being kind is more important than ever. With every comment you make, online or off, strive to be kind. Don’t speak with the intent to hurt or wound; but rather, speak with the intent to connect and love.

So before you speak the next time… remember, think! :) As it may be a handful applying all 5 values at one go, I recommend applying them one day at a time. Apply each of the 5 values for the first 5 days of the week, then apply all 5 together on the 6th day. On the 7th day, review how you’ve done. The next week, rinse and repeat.

When all else fails, just remember — be kind. That usually takes care of the rest. :)

Read:

• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• How to Make Small Talk in 5 Easy Ways (Examples Included)
• 10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist
• How To Stop Being Sarcastic

Today, I address reader Mel’s question on how to deal with backstabbers. Watch above! And I’m giving away a Happiness Mug; watch till the end for details!

Believe it or not, I recorded the entire video four times before I got the final take! First it was the camera cropping that was off; then it was loose hairs that I was only able to see when reviewing the video on my computer; then it got down to my delivery and content where I felt I could do better. The 4th time was the charm.

Have you dealt with a backstabber before? How did you handle the situation? Share them in the YouTube comments section!

For more on dealing with backstabbers, read: Backstabber Guide: 8 Tips To Deal With Backstabbers

(Music: Getting There (YouTube Library))

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“Hi Celes! First of all, I’d like to thank you for the great posts on PE; I’ve experienced tremendous growth in the past few months.

My question is, how can I encourage my friends to become more conscious human beings, just as I have? I feel like there is so much potential inside of them, but they refuse to acknowledge it. I’ve tried introducing them to various personal growth blogs, including PE, and they brushed them off as ‘cheesy’ and ‘boring.’ Whenever the conversation between our group shifts to a more serious topic, they try to shift it back to the topics that we’ve always talked about (‘my new high score on Flappy Bird!’).

What should I do? Thanks!” — Anna

Hi Anna! That’s funny that your friends would brush off personal growth blogs as “cheesy” and boring.” I can understand why though; personal development can be quite dry and theoretical for people who are not into conscious growth; a lot of personal development blogs out there tend to rehash the same advice over and over again. At PE, I make self-help different and relatable through real-life stories, but someone who doesn’t read PE at all would probably lump it with other self-help material out there.

Your predicament reminds me of myself years ago. From my late teens up until I started PE (I was 24), I would always find ways to push my friends forward. Whenever I was with them, I would throw questions like, “What are your goals for the future?” and “I’m working on XX goal at the moment. Do you want to pursue it together?” I had a best friend then, K, whom I would actively encourage to set goals and take action on his life as well.

For what it’s worth, I wasn’t too successful. Most of my friends then were just not interested in self-improvement or conscious living. With my reflection questions, some would shirk uncomfortably; most would give a half-hearted “Oh, I haven’t thought about what I want to do” or “I’ll see how it goes” response. One time, I had a friend flat out tell me that she didn’t believe in setting goals or planning for the future! With my best friend K, we had to part ways after 10 years of friendship because our friendship was no longer supporting us in our growth: I was growing very quickly while he was constantly putting off his goals, hence creating a gaping hole between us.

Eventually, I learned that you can’t make people grow when they don’t want to or aren’t ready to. They have to realize it for themselves, in their own time and place. By intervening in their path before this happens, you may prevent them from coming into their own, thereby preventing them from self-actualizing.

For example with K, despite the copious amount of time and energy I invested in his growth, he would always slip into inaction. He had his own issues that were holding him back, while I had my own hopes that I was imposing on him. During the later years of our friendship, I got extremely frustrated; we were constantly having lengthy talks over his inaction.

After we parted ways, I realized that maybe K has a different life path — one that doesn’t involve actualizing his own goals. Maybe his path is to support other people — a role in the world that is ancillary — though doesn’t mean it’s automatically less than others’. Maybe he will want to pursue his goals at some point — just not now. Whatever it is, me pushing him to realize his goals — before his time — was probably preventing him from coming into his own.

For my other friends who would complain about life, play Candy Crush, and what not, I came to realize that perhaps these are just reflective of their current life phase. During my adolescent years, I spent a good chunk of time working on my then-websites, playing and immersing in the world of video games, and watching animes and dramas. I had ambition, just not expressed in my studies. It was only during university that this changed. I sought to do well in my studies, gave serious thought to my future, and subsequently contemplated on  the meaning of life (something I shared in Two Important Things that Led Me to Discover My Life Purpose). This then led me onto my life path today.

Now, if someone had pushed me during my adolescence to think about my life purpose and what not, I probably wouldn’t have been very receptive. I would have heard the person out, wondered what was up with him/her, and returned back to whatever I was doing.

It was precisely because I came to my own realization that I want to live consciously and live my best life, that I became so proactive about living. If someone had cajoled me to do that, I doubt I would have cared much. It was by first deciding that I want to live consciously that I then began to live consciously.

Net-net, what I’m saying is that everyone has their awakening moment when they decide to grow or turn their life around. You can’t force this to happen; forcing it usually brings about little to counteractive effects.

It’s like… imagine you are given a seed to grow. What’s the best way to grow it quickly? Do you plant the seed, flood it with water, drown it with fertilizer, place it in a room with highest-concentration oxygen, and then manually split the seed yourself with a knife, hoping that a tree will sprout overnight?

No, of course not! The seed will die right away! A seed needs water, warm temperature, and oxygen to germinate, but giving it extra quantities of each wouldn’t accelerate its growth — it may well kill it. Beyond planting the seed in good soil and ensuring it has favorable conditions for germination, what the seed needs is time and space to grow. In time to come it’ll germinate, take root, and grow its shoots.

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So what does that mean for you and your friends?

It means that rather worry about your friends’ growth,

1. Know that everyone has their time and place to grow. Forcing your friends to grow when they aren’t ready wouldn’t bring about much change; it’ll probably implicate their path. Your job is not to be responsible for their growth (that’s their job), but simply to support them when the time comes.
2. Give them space to be themselves. Different people have different life paths; no path is “better” or “higher” than another. Sometimes your friends may make choices that you don’t agree with (e.g. spending all their free time playing Candy Crush and working in a job that they hate). Beyond voicing out your disagreement initially, respect their choice if that’s what they want to do. You don’t have to “agree” with it; you just have to respect it by not putting them down. This will give them space to be who they are meant to be. Read: What Can I Do If I Want To Change Someone? and How To Be More Accepting of Others
3. Support them when they need you. This means: If a friend is frustrated with his/her job, then help him/her sort out his/her job issues. If a friend is experiencing relationship problems, then provide a listening ear. If they don’t need you, then don’t interject. Be their anchor, their support pillar in life.
4. Offer guidance where appropriate. If there are times when you feel your friend is heading in the wrong direction, interject and give constructive guidance. For example, if your friend is sticking out in a job that he hates, then ask him if that’s what he really wants to do. Maybe he doesn’t know that there’s another path out there! Share ideas of what can be possible and provide resources (say, relevant articles of PE and self-help books) to point him/her in the right direction. Read: How to Give Constructive Criticism in 6 Steps.
5. Be a living example of what you preach. There’s no better way to showcase the value of your teachings than through yourself. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “A good example is the best sermon.” What are the lessons that you want to inculcate to your friends? Uphold them in your life! For example: If you want to preach the importance of taking action on your goals, then work doubly hard on your goals. If you want to preach the importance of living consciously, then be conscious about the decisions that you make and exercise them.
6. Live an awesome life. As an extended version of Step #5, live such a great life that people can’t help but wonder, Man, what is she doing?? How is she living such a great life??? Slowly, people will start paying attention to you and taking heed to your advice; curious friends will start to consult you and get your help on various things. As you raise your consciousness level, the people around you will naturally be positively influenced and be inspired to do the same too.

I hope that helps, Anna! :D Do read as well:

• Should I Tell My Friends/Family About My Interest in Self-Help? — Another Ask Celes question on a similar issue
• Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years — The full story of my friendship with K and how we came to part ways, plus how to move on from a friendship that isn’t working out anymore

For those of you reading, do you have friends who refuse to grow despite your encouragement? How can you deal with it using the tips in this post?