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This is part 3 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

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So far in part 1, I shared 10 signs that you are a perfectionist. In part 2, I shared 6 hidden downsides of perfectionism, including diminished productivity, procrastination, lower self-esteem, and impaired relationships with others.

As I shared in part 1, I used to be a neurotic perfectionist. While being a perfectionist helped me achieve results in my goals, it had its negative downsides. I would spend excessive time perfecting things, focus on little details that took time away from other things, and add weight to my relationships because of my high expectations.

Over time, I learned to tackle neurotic perfectionism and channel my high standards and drive in a positive way. How do you maximize the benefits of perfectionism and limit its negatives? How do you prevent perfectionism from negatively affecting you? Here are 8 steps to tackle perfectionism and turn it into a positive force in your life.

1) Remove the all-or-nothing mindset

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A perfectionist tends to have black-and-white thinking (i.e., all-or-nothing mindset), where they see things in extremes. If things did not happen perfectly, they would label it as a disaster. But such thinking is terminalistic as any progress is dismissed just because the outcome didn’t match their definition of success.

For example:

• A perfectionist trainer who made a mistake: “I can’t believe I fumbled in my presentation just now. It was a disaster.”
• A perfectionist student who couldn’t answer a question: “I did so badly on my paper today. I’m a failure.”

Remove your black-and-white lens and stop seeing things in extremes. Recognize that there are many outcomes between 100% success and 100% failure — just because something isn’t a total success doesn’t mean it’s a total failure. It could be a 30%, 50%, or 80% success, and that isn’t a total disaster, far from it.

So with a perfectionistic trainer, it may look like this: “I fumbled over part of my presentation, but the rest went well and the attendees were very engaged. I did a great job! I’ll rehearse next time for a smoother presentation.”

Or with a perfectionist student: “I didn’t know how to do question 10 but I could answer the 19 other questions, which is a worthy accomplishment. I will step up my revision and do more test papers next time.”

See things in perspective and recognize the middle ground. Identify the parts you did well and give yourself credit for them. Work on the parts that didn’t go so well. Even if 0% of things went to plan, that’s still progress because now you know what doesn’t work. Success happens in steps, and just because things didn’t happen 100% to plan doesn’t mean that you aren’t progressing in some way. Identify the lessons you have learned and use them to help you next time.

2) Aim for good enough

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Achieving perfection is a long and elaborate process — as I shared in part 2, it takes an astonishing amount of effort (80% of input) to perfect the last 20% of a task. While you can achieve perfection when managing just 1-2 tasks, sure, it’s arduous when you have many other things on your task list.

By the 80/20 principle, 20% of input leads to 80% of output

To achieve perfection, you need to spend 80% time and effort to perfect the last 20% of a task

Instead of trying to perfect everything, adjust your standards and aim for good enough. This means:

• When working on a task, aim to achieve the key objectives, deliver good-quality work, and call it a day.
• Go for the 80/20 — achieve the essential 80% output with 20% of effort.
• Draw a cutoff when you reach diminishing returns, which is the point when the value of pushing on decreases rapidly.
• Understand that whatever you can do now is the best version given the time limit. If your work contributes to the overall goal, then that’s a worthy accomplishment. 👍

The exception is if you are working on an important goal with very high stakes, in which case perfection is the goal. For all other tasks, aim for good enough.

Know that there is an opportunity cost with achieving perfection. When you are constantly fussing over little, unimportant details, you have less time for other things on your list. There are also diminishing returns from over-optimizing a task. Be less perfect in the less important things so that you can focus on your most important goals and tasks.

3) Focus on progress, not perfection

No one starts off as an expert — everyone grows in expertise with time/effort

As I shared in part 2, perfectionism can often lead to procrastination. Perfectionists often have extreme expectations of a goal, and it causes stress and overwhelm — to the point that they procrastinate to avoid making mistakes.

Here you want to shift your focus to achieve progress, not perfection. Remember that everyone starts from somewhere — no one starts off as an expert.

This means rather than try to create a masterpiece right off the bat, aim to create a basic first draft. Rather than try to execute something perfectly, take an imperfect first step so that you can learn and improve. Break your goal down into a simple first step that you can work on right away. Improve as you go along.

For example:

• Writing: A perfectionist writer tries to write a perfect manuscript from scratch. Break it down → Write a simple first draft. Then improve on it.
• Organizing: A perfectionist wants to tidy their room but keeps putting it off. Break it down → Tidy a small section of the room first.
• Exercise: A perfectionist fitness goer aims to run 5 miles (8km) but skips their exercise sessions repeatedly as the target is too overwhelming. Break it down → Aim for 0.5 miles (800m) or even 0.1 miles (160m). Build it up from there.
• Video production: A perfectionist content creator wants to get high-end video equipment and the best editing software before working on their video channel. Break it down → Use a phone camera and a free editing app first to get things going, and then improve as they go along.

Focus on progress and take imperfect action, which will give you immediate feedback on what works and what doesn’t work. The goal is to learn, iterate, and improve as you grow from beginner to expert. This will help you achieve your end goal in the fastest way — not by being hung up on a perfect vision and doing nothing in the meantime.

4) Set a cutoff for your tasks

The pursuit of perfection can be endless as a perfectionist keeps meandering in their task, trying to optimize everything. Set healthy boundaries for your tasks.

• Set a time limit. Set a reasonable time limit on when you should complete a task. This is important as tasks can technically take forever for a perfectionist if there is no time limit. By setting a duration, it reminds you when you’ve reached your allotted limit, and to speed up rather than waste more time on it.
• Create a checklist. Have a set of checkpoints and concrete deliverables to guide you on what to accomplish. For example, with creating a report, you may want to create an outline, type up the content, remove spelling errors, and clean up the formatting. Once the list is done, it’s done — don’t stray and get distracted by other things.

5) Challenge your need for perfection

For a perfectionist and their sharp eyes and meticulousness, there is always something to improve, something to tweak. If you find yourself second-guessing your work even though it is good enough, ask yourself, “Is it necessary to tweak this further? What’s the worst thing that could happen if it’s not perfect? Am I being productive here?”

Often the consequence is much less severe than you imagine, and you are just seeking perfection because of your own task maximization habit. Refer to Step 2 on aiming for good enough. Remember that there are diminishing returns and opportunity costs that come from micro-optimization.

It also helps to talk to someone about it, such as a colleague, manager, or friend. Get their perspective — are you being justified in your concerns, or are you being overly harsh on your work? Break out of the perfectionistic mind trap: it is easy to think that you need to do a litany of steps to complete a piece of work. But talking to someone, you may realize that the piece of work you are editing is already good enough and only needs 10 minutes of touch-up and not hours of work.

6) Understand the source of your perfectionism

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While I used to think that my neurotic perfectionism was just what it was, when I dug into it, I realized that my childhood and upbringing played a huge, if not formative, role in it.

In part 1, I shared that when I was a kid, I was in a primary school with strict, dogmatic rules about everything. These rules ranged from our hairstyles to attire to behavior. We could only wear hair ties and watches of a single color (black, blue, grey, or white). We were only permitted to wear our hair in a low ponytail, with no strand of hair touching our face. We were not allowed to speak in school at all, only when permitted to during class. Etc. 

In terms of studies, we were taught to aim for the perfect score (100/100), and made to feel inadequate when we didn’t. We were punished and made to slap ourselves every time we made a careless mistake. If we didn’t bring our books or finish homework for a class, we had to stand in the hallway and miss the entire class. Etc.

Any student who didn’t follow these rules would be shamed, berated, and punished in front of others. Boys would be subjected to caning.

It was the same when I was growing up as a kid in the traditional Chinese culture, where children are treated as lesser beings with no rights of their own. I was raised to be a quiet, obedient, and mindless child, to follow directives. Greet adults at all times. Do not talk back. Keep quiet unless you are spoken to. Etc. My mom in particular denied me from speaking as a child and would micromanage what I should say in the few times I was allowed to talk.

Then at a societal level in Singapore, there was an extreme fixation on achieving extrinsic success. (There still is today, but to a much lesser extent.) There was only one path in life: to achieve straight As, get a top job, earn lots of money, and buy a nice house and car. Failing which you would be seen as a failure and worthless person.

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Growing up in such a strict, oppressive, judgmental, and intolerant environment led me to be extremely meticulous about everything. It became like a fight-or-flight mechanism, to behave as instructed to avoid being heavily punished and having our sense of self-worth marred and destroyed.

The underlying basis of the culture, whether at the school or societal level, was, “A person is worthless unless they are academically and financially successful and can do as they are told.” So that was the belief I took away, that “I’m not good enough unless I’m highly accomplished and can do things perfectly.” It became an inherent habit to do things perfectly as part of my self-worth.

Yet is it true though? No, not at all. Following these rules did not determine my worth — only whether I could follow a long list of rules made by an authority figure. Many of these rules weren’t about helping us be better people too, but to create conformity.

As for extrinsic successes, it is great to achieve them, but a person’s worth isn’t determined by them. We are all worthy by virtue of our existence, by being here on Earth.

By understanding the source of my neurotic perfectionism, it has helped me understand that it’s okay not to be perfect all the time. That my need for perfection was due to my childhood story, where there was unnatural and toxic shaming and punishment for not doing tiny little things perfectly. (These things turned out to be inconsequential, with no bearing on my life.)

It has helped me recognize that my childhood upbringing was not okay or normal, and that children should never have been treated in this way (especially as I look at the situation as a mom today).

Finally, it has helped me see each situation as it is and to disconnect my past from the present. To evaluate each circumstance as it is and not mindlessly aim for perfection all the time, which is a drain on my time, energy, and mindspace.

To You

Maybe you think you’ve always been a perfectionist. But dig into it. When did your perfectionism first start? What happened to make you this way? What beliefs did you form from this experience? Are they true?

Understand, challenge, and correct these beliefs. Some examples of perfectionistic beliefs before and after correcting them:

• “I need to be perfect in everything I do to be considered worthy.” → “I am worthy, independent of my accomplishments. My worth is not linked to my success or accomplishments.”
• “If I make a mistake, it means I’m a failure.” → “Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t mean I am a failure. It’s more important that I learn and improve from them.”
• “If I don’t do things perfectly, it means I’m incompetent.” → “There are time and situational constraints and it is not realistic to do everything perfectly all the time. Focus on progress rather than perfection.”

(For those of you who have Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program, refer to Day 22: Examine Your Beliefs for my 3-step framework to rewrite limiting beliefs.)

7) Love yourself

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As a perfectionist, it’s easy to fixate on your goals and forget about yourself. The goal is all that matters and you just want to achieve the prize at the end.

But there is one person amidst it all — you. You are the most important person in the equation. If you are not working on your goals, then how can they be accomplished? If you are not around, then who is able to get everything done?

Don’t ignore and neglect yourself. Perhaps the biggest fault a perfectionist commits is self-neglect and self-abuse, because they prioritize their goals over everything else and forget their needs in the process. Bring yourself into focus and put yourself first.

• Prioritize your self-care. Set aside time for yourself while pursuing your goals. As you work toward them, pace yourself. Take breaks, rest, do things that you like, and fill up your tank. It will help you sharpen your saw and walk the longer road ahead.
• Watch the self-blame. Is there something you are beating yourself up for? A mistake from the past? Understand that you did your best with what you had then. Everyone makes mistakes and it is not your fault. Forgive yourself. Focus on what you can do now instead.
• Celebrate your progress. A perfectionist tends to focus on things that are lacking, that are not there yet. But this can lead to an over-focus on mistakes and errors, and a neglect of progress and achievements. Take some time to acknowledge what you have done and achieved. Celebrate your progress thus far, and use that to inspire you to grow and evolve. Read Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program, Day 13: Reflect on Your Past
  

  

• Switch to positive self-talk. Do you tend to berate and blame yourself when things go wrong? Can you change your self-talk to be kinder? For example:
  • “I’m not good enough.” Switch it to “I am enough. I am worthy and have my unique strengths.”
  • “Everyone is doing so well. I feel like a failure.” Switch it to “Everyone has their own path in life. I am on my own path and I am making progress.“
  • “I keep making mistakes. I’m not good at anything.” Switch it to “Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone starts from somewhere. Focus on learning from my mistakes and get better.”
  • I have created a set of affirmation wallpapers that you can use: 15 Beautiful Wallpapers With Positive Affirmations

8) Don’t subject others to the same standards

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In part 2, I shared that a perfectionist often ends up straining their relationships with others due to their immensely high and unwavering standards.

As you manage your perfectionism with this guide, apply Steps 1-3 and 6-7 to your relationships as well. In addition, don’t subject others to the same standards. Recognize that everyone is unique. Drop your expectations of others, and learn to deal with others at their own pace.

Why? If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will be boxed in by your expectations and spend the rest of its life thinking it is stupid (a quote often attributed to Einstein). Think of others as a fish, bird, squirrel, beaver, etc. — each with their own unique skills and talents, each with their own development path. They can be your friends, family members, or colleagues. Everyone excels in their own way and it may not be the same as yours. Be kind to them. Recognize their unique strengths and capabilities, and let them grow into the people they are meant to be.

Know that when you subject others to stiff and impossible standards, it causes constant stress and negativity as they try to live up to these standards but fail. It makes them feel bad about themselves and doesn’t help them be the best they can be.

Example: Perfectionist partner

• Perhaps a perfectionist wife may think of her partner, “He didn’t clean the kitchen sink again. He is always missing things.” This is negative and reproachful.
• Here’s a better way to think about things: “He helps out with housework even though he is busy with work. He is doing his part for the family. I will thank him later and clean the kitchen sink myself.”

Example: Perfectionist parent

• A perfectionist parent may think of their child, “He is making so many mistakes even though we have revised the topic before. He is going to fail at this rate.” This is cynical and dismisses the child’s potential and effort.
• Here’s a better way to think about this: “I can see that he is making the effort. He got half the questions right and this means he understands some concepts. I will engage a tutor to help him with his upcoming exam. Don’t pressurize him. What’s most important is that he tries his best.”

End Note

This marks the end of the perfectionism series and I hope you’ve found it useful. :) How has perfectionism affected you in your life? How can you apply the steps above? Let me know in the comments section. :)

This is part 3 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

This series is available for download as an ebook. Click on the button below to download.

DOWNLOAD FREE EBOOK

×

This is part 2 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

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“If you are a perfectionist, you are your own worst critic.” — Unknown

“Perfectionists vary in their behaviors: some strive to conceal their imperfections; others attempt to project an image of perfection.” – Flett, York University

Perfectionism — is it really all good or does it have its problems?

On the surface, the life of a perfectionist appears aspirational or even perfect. Many accomplished athletes, celebrities, singers, and professionals are self-professed perfectionists. Yet perfectionism has its problems as I share below.

Hidden Problems of Perfectionism

There are two types of perfectionism — healthy perfectionism and neurotic perfectionism.

• A healthy perfectionist is driven by a desire for improvement and achievement while maintaining emotional well-being and flexibility. They are intrinsically motivated, set high standards, focus on growth not mistakes, and have a balanced approach in their life.
• An neurotic perfectionist is an extremist and strives for incredibly high standards at the expense of their well-being and relationships. They are driven by fear of failure, self-criticism, and unrealistic standards, leading to coping mechanisms like procrastination and an obsessive focus on details.

Without putting themselves in check, many perfectionists end up being neurotic perfectionists.

When I was a neurotic perfectionist, I thought I was getting the best out of myself and life. In reality, neurotic perfectionism hindered my productivity, well-being, and relationships. Here are six ways perfectionism could be holding you back in your goals and life.

1) Diminished productivity

Every perfectionist wants to get the best out of their life and be a top achiever. But paradoxically, a perfectionist often reduces their overall productivity with their focus on doing things perfectly. The 80/20 principle tells us that 80% of results in a task can be linked to 20% of our total possible input. Yet a perfectionist strives to achieve 100% perfection in everything — spending significant time and effort to perfect the last 20% of a task.

The 80/20 Principle

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What a Perfectionist Does:

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While it’s important to be meticulous and to perfect tasks of very high importance, obsessing over every detail of every single task diminishes productivity and prevents things from getting done efficiently. The time spent perfecting each task comes at the expense of other things you could be working on. There comes a point when constant tweaking gives you diminishing returns, or even negative returns.

Separately, setting unrealistic standards and being fixated on achieving them turns a perfectionist into a workaholic who sacrifices sleep, rest, and life for work. Instead of resting and filling up your tank so as to get energy and fresh ideas, you regularly push yourself past the point of optimal performance. This leads to reduced productivity as you constantly run on low energy and focus.

2) Procrastination

The second problem of perfectionism is ironically, procrastination on your goals and tasks. Have you ever put off doing something because you were waiting for the right or perfect conditions to do it perfectly?

For example, a video content creator may want a high-end DSLR, a lavalier mic, and the best video editing software before starting their video channel, rather than using what they have first and improving from there. A perfectionist with an exercise goal may target to run 5 miles (8km) per exercise session, and put off their sessions repeatedly because they don’t feel up to it.

You also have sky-high expectations of what needs to be done, making the goal or task seem bigger than it really is. This creates stress and overwhelm and makes you put off something again and again. At times you may even avoid or abandon a task (i.e., escapism) when it seems impossible to achieve your vision. To you, if you can’t achieve your vision, you might as well not do it at all (this is an all-or-nothing mindset).

3) Myopia – Missing the bigger picture

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As you get caught up in the little details, you miss the bigger picture and the bigger scheme of things.

For example, you spend hours refining the formatting of a report rather than focusing on the content. Or you spend weeks researching the best software for a project, unable to make a decision, while the project falls behind schedule. This obsession with perfection and little details causes you to miss the overall goal and objective.

You also experience frequent analysis paralysis, where you can’t make decisions quickly as you are caught up with making the “right” choice. You overanalyze every option and delay action to get everything correct and prevent error.

While such meticulousness is good for extremely large-scale goals with high stakes involved, this fear of making mistakes or a wrong choice, when applied to everything, prevents progress and results in missed opportunities, hence leading to stagnation.

4) Constant stress

Perfectionism also causes constant stress and anxiety. 

As a perfectionist, you are constantly overworking as you are always tweaking or improving something. You also have extremely high standards and a fixation to do everything perfectly. This leaves no room for mistakes or rest and makes day-to-day life very stressful.

What’s more, you refuse to delegate as you don’t trust others to do the work well. You also have difficulty letting go, always thinking about the tasks you should do and mistakes from the past — hence adding mental weight to your mind.

This overworking and constant stress and anxiety eventually leads to health issues and burnout. This is why research has shown that perfectionism is linked to stress, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders, heart problems, digestive problems, and, in severe cases, suicide ideation.

5) Negative self-esteem

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Many perfectionists are their harshest self-critics. You are always pushing yourself and expect nothing less than the best. You blame yourself for problems and mistakes, wondering if things could have been better if you had done X or Y instead. You also beat yourself up over issues from long ago.

And when things go well, you take it as a given. Things that go well are taken for granted. If things go poorly, you beat yourself up endlessly. There is no room for rest and self-appreciation.

This constant self-blame and lack of self-appreciation mean negative self-esteem and a constant feeling of unhappiness, regardless of your accomplishments.

Lady Gaga, pop singer and winner of 14 Grammy Awards, said before, “I am perpetually unhappy with what I create. Even though I might tell you that ‘Edge Of Glory’ is a pop masterpiece, when it’s all said and finished there will be things I dread, and every time I listen to it I’ll hear them.”^[1]

Similarly, Michael Jackson, pop legend and known perfectionist, once said, “I’m never pleased with anything, I’m a perfectionist, it’s part of who I am.” Jackson’s extreme perfectionism contributed to his personal struggles and internal conflict, as he was never happy with his work. He died in 2009 from overmedication that led to a cardiac arrest.^[2]

Yet the whole point of pursuing our goals is to achieve personal satisfaction and be happy. If one accomplishes all these goals and is still unhappy with their work, then it makes you wonder: what’s the point of any of these?

6) Strained relationships

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Lastly, perfectionism strains and damages relationships.

As a perfectionist, you have very harsh standards and these expectations can spill over into your relationships. You may impose unrealistic expectations on others, causing frustration, tension, or even resentment. This can prevent you from seeing the value in others’ contributions or perspectives, causing you to miss out on collaboration, valuable insights, and positive moments with others.

For example, a perfectionist may criticize a partner’s cooking, focusing on minor flaws instead of appreciating the effort and enjoying the meal together. A perfectionist parent may criticize a child for not doing better on a test, instead of acknowledging the things that were done right.

Being a perfectionist also means putting your work performance at the highest priority, to the point of neglecting your relationships. You spend a large amount of time at work, leaving little to no time for friends and family. Because a perfectionist associates their worth with their performance, you get very stressed and upset when things don’t go well (which is often due to your immensely high standards) and bring work struggles into your relationships. At times you even lash out at your loved ones for no reason.

Such pressure weighs down on your relationships and makes people around you tense and unhappy. In the end, perfectionism hollows you out and pushes people away from you.

How Perfectionism Limited Me

As a neurotic perfectionist in the past, I was very focused on doing everything perfectly in my work and life, as I shared in part 1. It helped me achieve great results in my goals. Yet such perfectionism limited me in other ways which I didn’t realize then.

Productivity and Effectiveness

Perfectionism got in my way of being productive. By trying to do everything perfectly, I ended up spending too much time tweaking little things that didn’t play a role in the bigger scheme of things. This took time away from the things that really matter.

This issue became obvious when I started working. While in school I could get away with perfecting everything right down to the nitty-gritty, at my job the breadth and depth of the projects were so vast that it was no longer humanly possible for me to be deeply involved in everything and still do them perfectly. I would spend many late nights and weekends working, with no end in sight. It was just not sustainable.

The same issue cropped up in my personal development business, when my business grew and the online space became more complicated. My focus on perfecting things slowed me down — as I was trying to tweak some little thing every other minute, the competitors and online space would be racing ahead.

Mental Health

I was also extremely hard on myself for any mistake that I made, or anything that went wrong. In my mind, there was always an ideal scenario for everything. If a presentation, exam, event, etc. went against my expectations, I would mull obsessively over it and beat myself up for a period of time. If things went right, I would be thinking about how it could have been better. I frequently forgot about the accomplishments I had achieved before — I was always looking for ways to be better.

This was bad for my mental health of course. Deep down I was negative and self-loathing. I would cover this up with emotional eating (a separate issue that I cover in a different series).

Relationships

In terms of relationships, I was unwittingly alienating people around me, whether they were friends or family. Because I had such rigid and high expectations, I developed a hard edge which was intimidating to people. I was living within a wall and emotionally inaccessible to those around me.

With loved ones, I would focus on the things they were not doing well, rather than acknowledging what they did do or did well — due to my natural focus on fixing things and getting things “right.” This was unfortunate as deep down, I have always regarded people relationships as more important than external achievements.

I then worked on tackling my perfectionism and turning things around, which I share how in part 3.

How About You?

Can you relate to any of the above? What negative effects do you experience as a perfectionist? Let me know in the comments section.

Despite these issues, we can learn to manage perfectionism such that it doesn’t compromise our work, health, or relationships. In the last part, I share how to overcome the cons of perfectionism and live a productive, positive life. Read part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

This is part 2 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

This series is available for download as an ebook. Click on the button below to download.

DOWNLOAD FREE EBOOK

×

Note from Celes: Hey everyone, how are you doing? 🤗 I’m currently revisiting and updating the classics at PE, starting with the perfectionism series. In today’s post, I share why being a perfectionist may not be so perfect and my experience as a perfectionist.

This is part 1 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

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Are you a perfectionist? Do you often seek to achieve perfection in everything you do? Do you feel a need to improve every single thing you do to the state of perfection, even at the expense of your well-being?

A perfectionist is someone who strives for perfection and sets extremely high standards for themselves. They have a strong desire to meet or exceed these standards in every aspect of their life, whether it’s work, relationships, or personal achievements.

In psychology, perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by “a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high-performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.”^[1]

To a perfectionist, anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist

Perfectionism can manifest in various ways, and those who have it often exhibit certain behaviors. Here are 10 signs you are a perfectionist:

1. You have extremely high standards. You have very high targets and standards for whatever you set out to do. Sometimes, they stress you out. You may spend many late nights and sacrifice sleep just to achieve them.
2. You are very critical of mistakes. You dislike mistakes or errors as they suggest imperfection — whenever you see a mistake, you are the first to correct it. Just knowing that there is a mistake that hasn’t been fixed yet irks you.
3. You have an all-or-nothing mindset. This is also known as black-and-white thinking. Either you do something to the highest level or you don’t do it at all. You also tend to see things in extremes — if something is not done perfectly, that means it’s a disaster. There is no in-between.
4. You are extremely meticulous and have a very high attention to detail. You focus on the smallest details of a task just to ensure that everything is in place. You spot mistakes when others don’t see any.
5. You are highly self-critical, even over little things. Whenever something goes wrong, you become really hard on yourself, wondering why you couldn’t have done it better and why you made that mistake.
6. You mull over outcomes that don’t turn out as planned, wondering if things could have been different if you just did X or Y. You also spend quite a bit of time analyzing and second-guessing decisions and actions after they were made, wondering if you had made the best choice.
7. You procrastinate just to do things at the “right” moment, or because you want to do things to the highest level. You sometimes put off tasks because the conditions aren’t perfect or you don’t feel like you can do them perfectly.
8. You have difficulty delegating to others. You find it hard to delegate tasks to others as you feel that they can’t do them as well as you.
9. You become defensive toward criticism and have a fear of failure, as they suggest that you didn’t do things well or that something is wrong with you.
10. You spend an immense amount of time perfecting things, even beyond healthy limits. Perfection is the end goal. You often sacrifice sleep, rest, and personal time just to bring your work to the highest level. To you, it is all part of achieving the goal.

Do you see these traits in yourself? How about the people around you?

My Experience With Perfectionism

I used to be quite a neurotic perfectionist when I was younger. In fact, all the 10 traits would fit me to a tee! I’m still quite a perfectionist today, though I’ve learned to dial down the negative aspects of my perfectionism (more in part 2).

A big part of my perfectionism is my inner drive and desire to be the best I can be. I always feel that when we do something, we should do our best without giving excuses. And while we are alive and on Earth, we should make the most out of our time here and put our best foot forward in whatever we do.

The second reason is my upbringing. I grew up in Singapore in the 1980s-2000s, and the culture and society then had an extreme fixation on conformance and adhering to an extreme definition of perfection.

This was particularly so in my primary school, where we were told to be the best and to aim for the best — anything less was not acceptable. I was in the best class and when it came to tests and exams, we were taught to aim for 100/100 (a worthy goal), but made to feel inadequate when we got less than that. We would be punished, reprimanded, and shamed when we made the smallest mistakes.

In terms of conduct, we were made to follow many strict, dogmatic rules, like only being permitted to wear hair ties and watches of a single color (only black, white, grey, or blue was allowed), or that we could only have specific hairstyles and not have any hair touching or covering our faces. It was questionable as to how these rules helped us become better humans. Not conforming meant being singled out, shamed, and punished in front of other students.

The fact that I have a high sensitivity to stimuli — something which I thought was common to everyone, but realized wasn’t when I grew up — further heightened my perfectionistic tendencies. I would experience external and internal stimuli (such as sounds, sights, and emotions) on a very deep level, and frequently observe details that many don’t.

These factors made me aim for the highest standard and be very meticulous in everything I do — i.e., a perfectionist. I would take this behavior to the highest level and become a neurotic perfectionist. This behavior extended to my studies, work, and relationships.

Examples of Perfectionism in My Life

Making Websites

For example, when I started creating websites as a teenager (as a hobby), I would spend late nights, sleeping just 1-2 hours some days, tweaking my sites to perfection. This included the content, graphics, and right down to the HTML syntax.

My sites had to look great at every resolution and on every browser; the content I produced had to meet the highest conceivable standard. I was constantly making little edits like tiny one-pixel changes and was very particular about how everything looked. It was an unbending, personal standard that I had set for myself.

Such efforts paid off, as my websites received over half a million pageviews a month. My visitors could recognize the quality of my work compared to others.

Gaming

Then as an avid gamer, I was always perfecting my playthroughs in each game. As a kid, my brother would criticize me if I made mistakes that resulted in the character’s death. 😑 This taught me to be very precise in how I executed each move and in achieving 100% perfection.

I fondly remember how I broke all the top scores in Crazy Taxi (a racing game) and completed every bonus challenge (some of which were insanely difficult). I played King of Fighters ’95 for months, perfected my attacking strategies based on the opponent, and won it many times at the hardest difficulty. In total, I completed over 100 games, from RPG to action to racing games, during my childhood!

School & Work

In university, I often took over project work due to teammates slipping on their tasks or just to improve the overall standard. I spent a lot of time perfecting the output, right down to the nitty-gritty. If it was a presentation, everything had to have a consistent look and theme, including matching font types, font sizes, and colors. If it was a report, all the content and formatting had to be seamless.

Even though it was at the expense of my time and rest, even though I ended up doing much more work than other teammates, the end result was worth it as we would get the best grade.

Then with my work at PE, I’m very meticulous about the content I create. For example, with each course, I spend many months creating and refining my course materials before launching it. After I conduct a live course, I would spend another few months improving it based on the participants’ feedback for that run.

I’m always thoroughly editing every article, podcast, and video before it gets published. Even then, I continue to tweak and improve my content after that. Perhaps this is why many readers appreciate my material and share it; teachers and professors alike use my material as part of their course curriculum.

The Result

Being a neurotic perfectionist helped me achieve immense results and become an overachiever in every area of my life. It helped me do well in school, perform well in my corporate job, and excel in many goals and projects.

However, as I grew older, I realized that neurotic perfectionism has its damaging effects as I share in the next part of the series. Read part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism

To You

Are you a perfectionist? Can you identify with any of the signs? What do you think is the cause of your perfectionist behavior? Let me know in the comments section.

This is part 1 of a 3-part series on the downsides of perfectionism and how to turn perfectionism into a positive force in your life.

• Part 1: 10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist
• Part 2: 6 Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
• Part 3: How To Overcome Perfectionism: A Complete Guide

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Note from Celes: Hi everyone! I just finished the latest edition of 30DLBL and I’m finally back to posting at the blog. Thank you to everyone who sent me a message since my last update — it means so much to me. I look forward to sharing more! :) ❤️

“Hi Celes, I often feel depressed and regretful about my lack of progress in life. Honestly I am angry and bitter about it. This creates a lot of anxiety for me and I think it’s a big source of my procrastination. What can I do about this?” — M

Have you ever felt depressed about your lack of progress in life? Do you wish that you could be doing more and achieving more?

If so, I totally understand. In my last update, I shared that I stepped away from my blog for the past few years to raise my baby and support my family through a series of challenges. During this time, my career came to a stop, and for a while I felt like I was making no progress in life.

But progress comes in many ways. Just because you feel like you haven’t made progress doesn’t mean that it’s true. If you have been feeling discouraged by a lack of progress lately, here are 5 things I want to share with you.

1) Redefine the meaning of progress

Firstly, define “progress.” What is progress to you? Is it to achieve huge success in your career? Earn lots of money? Buy a nice house? Travel around the world? Pursue your passion? Or something else?

Looking up the word “progress,” it means forward movement toward a destination.^[1] Perhaps you have a vision of where you want to be by age 30 or 40 or 50, such as to be at the peak of your career, earn lots of money, buy a nice house, and start a family.

Conventional society tells us to set big goals and pursue them relentlessly. While such big goal setting is important — I do it myself and teach it in my courses — there are times when it needs to take a back seat as other life areas (e.g., family and health) require our attention.

While it may look like you’re not progressing during these times, you are progressing, just in a different way. For example:

• Taking a work hiatus to raise your kids — that’s progress, in your family.
• Taking a break to address health issues — that’s progress, in your health.
• Taking time out to tackle personal problems — that’s progress, in your mental health and happiness.
• Taking time to overcome obstacles and setbacks — that’s progress in your goal and life as you learn about what works and doesn’t work.

My lack of progress in career (From life challenges)

In my 2024 update, I shared that I had to step back from my work for the past five years to support my family through a series of deep challenges. These included my mother-in-law’s illness and later passing, my husband’s health issues, raising my baby without help, and uprooting my life and moving my family overseas from Singapore to the UK, in the midst of a pandemic.

While my career came to a stop, I made progress in other ways.

• I see my child growing every day, and that’s progress to me.
• I see my husband growing in his career and improving in his health issues, and that’s progress to me too.
• I have also made progress in my health by uncovering the root cause of my health issues (which turned out to be toxic dental work such as mercury fillings and root canals), and learning about natural healing which I now use to heal myself.

Very importantly, I saw all these as a temporary hiatus to work on pressing life issues for the time being, with the end goal of returning to my passion — to grow and help you achieve your highest potential.

For you, what have you been working on? Family? Health? Relationships? Mental Health? There are many types of progress in life beyond career and financial growth. While society tends to focus on these two things, there are other things (e.g., family, health, relationships) that are just as important to live a meaningful life. The progress that you make in other areas is progress too, so remember that.

There are many areas that are important in our life, beyond career and money. Read: The Life Wheel (Image: Personal Excellence)

2) Recognize that life isn’t a straight line

(From: Your Plans vs. Universe’s Plans For You)

Many people expect to progress in life without major setbacks. Set a goal and get from Point A to Point B without issue. Celebrate. Rinse and repeat.

But life isn’t always a straight line. In life, there are ups and downs, setbacks and difficulties. The downs can be difficulties with a goal, or unexpected life obstacles such as illness, a painful breakup, or death and loss.

In case you think that everyone is having a great life, remember that what you see in the media and social media is often heavily filtered. Many people face difficulties, just that they don’t show it. In my 2024 update I shared that I have been working through family challenges and health issues caused by toxic dental work. Some of these issues are ongoing and it can be a struggle managing motherhood without help, working through my husband’s issues, and now returning to work in a highly challenging online environment (see Point #4).

Many celebrities face life challenges too, though most may not be sympathetic to their situations due to their immense success and wealth.

• Ashton Kutcher struggled with a rare disease that left him unable to see, hear, and walk for a year in 2020. He healed after treatment and physical training.^[2][3]
• Wendy Williams was a successful talk show host and lived a glamorous life in the 2010s. But she was dealing with her husband’s infidelity and alcohol addiction behind the scenes^[4][5], and is recently diagnosed with early-onset dementia.^[6][7]
• Kate Middleton is a public icon and looks picture perfect all the time, smiling and radiant. But in 2024 she shared that she had cancer at the age of 42 and was going through treatment^[8] (she is now in remission^[9]).

The media and social media tend to present an idealized image of people’s lives, which gives the impression that everyone’s life is perfect. The truth is that many people are going through obstacles, whether in health, relationships, family, money, or career. Know that you are not alone and we are all going through this together. ❤️

3) Goals take time (Set milestones)

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Many people think that goals can happen right away and become disappointed when they don’t. The reality is that goals take time. Depending on the goal, it can take weeks, months, or even years.

Evan Spiegel launched Snapchat in 2011 as a niche app for disappearing messages. It initially struggled to gain traction, due to intense competition from other established platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Spiegel and his team kept innovating, introducing new features like Stories and augmented reality lenses, before reaching mainstream success. Today, Snapchat is one of the top 10 social platforms with millions of users.^[10][11][12]

Snapchat’s daily active users over time (2014-2024) (Image)

Jack Ma faced many rejections over and over before founding Alibaba, an e-commerce company.

• When he applied for a job at KFC in 1995, he was the only person out of 24 applicants who didn’t get the job.
• He applied to Harvard 10 times but got rejected each time.
• He also applied to the police force and was the only one out of five applicants who didn’t get accepted.
• He had various failed business ventures, including a translation business, a directory service, and a restaurant.

In 1999, Ma started Alibaba and faced significant struggle as people were skeptical about online shopping then and the internet infrastructure in China was not developed. It took persistence to overcome these struggles, and today, Alibaba is a global corporation with over US$130 billion in annual revenue.^{[13][14][15][16][17]}

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A seed takes time to grow into a tree. A goal takes time as you work through its obstacles. Think of it as a journey. Break your goal down into small milestones, and then tackle them one by one.

E.g., if your goal is to create a successful podcast, rather than feel discouraged that your listener count isn’t skyrocketing, set milestones to get there. Such as getting your first 100 listeners, then 200 listeners, then 500 listeners, and so on.

Example: Milestones for a podcast goal (Image: Personal Excellence)

Know that there’s an incubation period for our goals — a period of time between taking action and seeing results. While it may seem like nothing is happening, something is happening. You just need to be patient while you work toward your goal.

If you can’t reach a milestone after some time, understand why. Do a review to see what’s working, what’s not working, and what to do differently. Then, try again. Keep improving your plan and it’s a matter of time before you see results.

Read: Days 5-7 of Live a Better Life in 30 Days (Create an Action Plan, Take Action, and Review)

4) Understand what’s causing the lack of progress

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If you have been facing too many setbacks, you feel burnt out, or you keep repeating the same mistakes, then you are likely hitting a wall.

Hitting a wall is a situation where you can’t progress no matter how hard you try. It can happen for various reasons, such as lacking the knowledge or skills to advance, having an ineffective strategy, not having a clear goal, or perfectionism. Stop to figure out what the issue is and address it.

My lack of progress in writing (Feeling disconnected from blogging)

After my daughter started school at 4.5 years old, I slowly resumed work while juggling my mom duties. While I was eager to reconnect with you guys and had so much to share, I faced a rut despite spending hours writing each week.

After digging into it, I realized that I was feeling disconnected from blogging as a platform. I started making websites in 1998 and PE in 2008, and the online space has changed so much — and not necessarily in a good way.

• In terms of web development, new things would roll out constantly, causing current things to break. I would constantly be fixing issues and code at my website. Managing a website has become overly complicated today, unlike in the early 2010s.
• Online exchanges have become highly negative and critical, when they used to be positive and encouraging. People just became very irritable and angry online, and this is reflected in the comments and emails I would get via PE.
• While the internet used to be a place where people formed meaningful connections and discovered new things, now it’s filled with bots, spam, and profit-driven businesses. The online world has become a huge, commercialized marketplace, and we have become a product constantly targeted at by ads, algorithms, and businesses.
• There is now a proliferation of AI content in recent years, with AI bots being built on the stolen work of artists and blogs like PE, without giving credit.
• Google and social media algorithms have shifted to prioritize big brands and sponsored content.^[18] Big Tech have taken over the online space, and not in a good way.

I’ve written about these issues over the years:

• Challenges I’m Facing Today (2018)
• Closing Blog Comments at PE (2015)
• Closure of PE Forums (2016)
• Feeling Disconnected (2016)
• How To Deal With Disillusionment As You Grow Older (2017)
• Why I Deleted My Facebook Page With 20,800 Likes (2016)
• Why I Deleted My Twitter Account With 7,000 Followers (2018)

Having been online since the 1990s, I feel that the internet has become sterile, negative, and over-commercialized, compared to the past when it was a space for authentic conversations and positive learning.

Feeling disconnected from the online world (Image)

There is also a huge backlog of work from my time away. Tons of content to update. Things to change in my business due to changes in the online space. New tax laws and regulations to learn as I have moved to a different country. And juggling of endless mom duties without family help, and a conflict between these duties and what I need to do to build a successful blog/business.

There is no easy fix and it’s about understanding the issues and working on them step by step.

One big step I have taken is to go back to the basics. To focusing on connecting with you. Just you. Just like when I first started.

In the past months, I did major restructuring of my business, cut out redundant costs, and simplified my website backend to return to my core focus of writing. I have been updating many past articles at PE, and just finished a big update of 30DLBL. I’ve also reopened blog comments (as a trial) and will see how it works out — I miss connecting with you guys. 🌺

Whether it’s AI, bots, or spam, my end goal is to support you in your growth. All these are just noises and I need to find ways to push them away. And I feel excited to return to writing and connecting with you all. :)

To You

If you have been facing a lack of progress for a while, stop to examine what’s going on. Ask yourself, “What’s blocking me? What’s preventing me from move forward?” Identify the issue(s) and work on addressing it.

Some ideas to break the wall:

1. Reexamine your goal. Sometimes circumstances change and goals become outdated. Maybe your goal no longer interests you or it’s unrealistic with your current situation. Check to see if it needs changing. Read: When Goals Stop Working
2. Change your approach. If you have been doing the same thing with no results, maybe something is wrong with your methods. Review and see what’s working and not working. Study the people who are doing well. Talk to others to get new perspective. Improve your plan, and then try again.
3. Learn new knowledge and skills. Lacking knowledge and skills when tackling a complex goal will naturally lead to a roadblock. Adopt a growth mindset. For example the online landscape has changed so much and I am now learning AI tools and new editing software to get up to speed. What skills do you need in this goal? Attend courses, research, learn from experts, and learn from practice. Read: Skills Development and Level Up
4. Take a step back. Being too close to something can cause tunnel vision, mental fatigue, and burnout. Take a step back and take a break to get fresh perspective and ideas. Getting a change of environment can also help.
5. Find a support network. Connect with people pursuing the same goal — they provide support, insights into problems, and ideas and solutions. Join groups related to your goal online (Facebook, Reddit) and offline (Meetup.com) if possible. I’m part of various blogging communities and they are helpful for troubleshooting and getting insights to issues I’m facing. Read: Day 25: Create Your Success Network of Live a Better Life in 30 Days
6. Let go of perfection. Don’t let the need for perfection hinder your progress. Aim for a good enough level and improve it over time. Read: How To Overcome Perfectionism (series)

Some of these issues may be deep-seated or complex, and take time to fix. That’s okay. It is progress to start somewhere. Know that slow progress in addressing deeper issues will still lead to bigger changes than trying to tackle your goal at a low level and making no progress.

5) Take baby steps. As long as you’re taking steps forward, it’s progress.

I know it can feel depressing when you have a big goal and don’t see progress day after day. Ideally, we want to set big goals and take big actions to achieve big results.

But there are times when taking big action simply isn’t possible, due to life circumstances. Perhaps you’re a parent to young kids, you’re dealing with health issues, you’re a caregiver to another, or your day job takes up significant time and energy. In these situations, it’s better to focus on one small thing a day.

Meaning, if you want to lose weight, make one good food choice a day. If you want to work on your blog, work on one thing in your plan, whether it’s editing your website or writing a new post. If you want to create a video channel, consider short-form videos on Tiktok or YouTube Shorts.

Do the small things and do them well. If you think it’s a waste of time, it’s not — the little changes you make add up to create huge changes in the long run. It all starts with what you do today. Some days you may be overwhelmed and not want to do anything, and that’s okay.

The more important thing is what you do on most days than not.

(From: The Emotional Journey of Creating Anything Great [Infographic])

Know that what you’re going through now is the trough of goal achievement. It can be difficult, painful, and boring.

But you can do it. I know you can. Things are tough now and many people are experiencing difficulties — rising cost of living, financial stresses, job security issues, burnout, juggling work and family, etc. — so you are not alone.

The important part is to (1) recognize that a lull in life can happen to anyone, and (2) equip yourself with the tools to work through them. Know that you are not a failure nor are you inadequate. A lull or lack of progress is what it is, and as you take the steps to work through it, it is matter of time before you see the results you seek.

Read:

• The Power of Little Changes
• If you cannot do great things now, start by doing small things in a great way

End Note

Are you facing a lack of progress? How can you apply the tips above?

Note from Celes: If you have been facing a lack of progress in life, check out Live a Better Life in 30 Days (30DLBL), my 30-day program to live a better life. It’s a great tool to do a life audit, set goals, and plan ahead. I did 30DLBL recently and it was great in helping me get clarity and create a roadmap for 2025 and beyond.

The 2025 edition of Live a Better Life in 30 Days is now out! I have updated the full course and rewrote many tasks, plus added a new task (Day 22) on limiting beliefs. Read about 30DLBL here, or if you are a past buyer, learn how to get access here! Questions? Let me know here.

Have you ever felt this way before? That nobody loves you? If so, you’re not alone. I’ve felt that nobody loves me before, and in fact felt this way during many of my down moments in the past, such as times when I felt neglected or pushed aside. It was only lately that I learned to break out of this thinking pattern, and today I want to share how you can do so too.

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share

• Why there has been a lack of updates lately (and my apologies about it!) [0:22]
• Why I would feel that nobody loves me [2:47]
• How I addressed this negative thinking pattern, and how you can too [4:49]
• Why it’s not true that nobody loves you [5:26]
• Where true self-love should come from [10:48]
• Why celebrities face self-love issues despite having the love of millions of fans [12:13]
• What happens when you pursue a relationship for the sake of feeling loved [13:17]
• Getting to the root of why you think “nobody loves me” [15:21]
• My childhood experiences that led me to this belief [16:08]
• Times when I was bullied in school [20:19]
• How I resolved these negative memories [23:31]
• My gratitude to you guys [28:52]
• An exercise for you to dig into the belief “nobody loves me” [30:35]
• How to start building up your self-love [34:51]
• Why there is no dichotomy between self-love and personal growth [37:14]
• My reminder to you [38:36]

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

Nobody Loves Me

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

Nobody Loves Me [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 17, I’m Celes from PersonalExcellence.co!

First off, I want to apologize for the slow updates in the past months, if not year. For those of you who are not on the PE newsletter, do join — it’s at personalexcellence.co/newsletter. Even though there haven’t been many updates on the blog, I’ve been sending out email updates that are not posted on the blog. So maybe you don’t see as many updates there but there have been emails sent out — sometimes weekly, sometimes fortnightly, sometimes monthly. If you are on the newsletter, you’ll get access to all of that including announcements of live courses that I’m running.

All that said, I totally recognize that there has been a lack of updates on PE. A large part is because I’ve been busy working on things in my personal life. Things that I feel are important, that deserve my full attention, as opposed to repeatedly running in a rat wheel and working on things that are urgent but may not be as important. I felt that I needed to take time out to work on these things.

But I want to let you know that I have not abandoned PE. Not at all. Those of you who are longtime readers will know that PE is my life. It is what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life, and I’ve just been taking this temporary time out to work on personal things, personal issues, which I look forward to sharing more in time to come. I want you to know that I’m here to stay and I’m not going anywhere. :)

Thank you for your positive reviews on Tunes — reading them has really inspired me. In fact, I was thinking what new content to produce — Should write a new article? Create a new podcast? Or create a new video? — and reading all your podcast reviews has inspired me to return to the podcast and talk to you guys again.

Today’s Episode: Nobody Loves Me

On to today’s episode, about “Nobody loves me.” Have you ever thought that way before? Where you feel that nobody loves you? If so, I can understand. There have been times when I felt this way, particularly during my down moments or times when I felt neglected or disregarded.

For me, one of the reasons I would think this way is due to my childhood upbringing. When I was young, my mom was pretty much emotionally unavailable. She cared for me and my brother in terms of how a housekeeper or house carer would — like she did all the functional duties like laundry, cooking, etc., something that a traditional Chinese mom would do. And I’m really grateful to her for that, for raising me and my brother along with my dad. But she was pretty much emotionally unavailable, and I’m not sure if she ever is [emotionally available]. For the record, both my dad and mom are alive today.

So whenever I needed something from her, needed to talk to her, or wanted to talk to her in any way, she would be very angry and scold me for no reason, or just be very critical and angry in general. Any contact with her was explosive if caught at the wrong time, and as a daughter I never really got to talk to her much, if at all.

This weird dynamic, along with the fact that I grew up in an angry household (something that I mentioned in my anger series where my parents argued every single day in a very volatile manner), cultivated this feeling in me (growing up) that nobody loves me. It was only when I took the time out to address this feeling that I was able to break out of this negative thinking pattern.

If you sometimes find yourself thinking “nobody loves me,” I want to let you know that you’re not alone. Here I share the steps that I have taken to work through this belief, and I hope you’ll find them helpful.

1) It’s not true that nobody loves you

The first thing I want to say is that it is not true that nobody loves you. When we are too trapped in our problems, it is often easy for us to forget or miss out on the love and the good that are around us.

For example, when I was thinking things like “nobody loves me,” right beside me would be my husband who loves me with all his might and has always been there for me. It’s interesting to see that when we are so stuck in our own problems, we miss out on these obvious things — the people around us who love us.

Love here doesn’t have to be romantic love. These people can be friends, co-workers, relationship partner (if you are in the relationship), mentors, teachers, an acquaintance (someone you don’t know well, but this person may adore you or admire you or like certain things you do), or even just a stranger — someone who is admiring you from afar.

So there can be all these people loving you, admiring you, and adoring you, and it is totally not true that nobody loves you. If you stop and think and look around you, chances are you’ll find at least one person who loves you. Who supports you, and who is there for you or has been there for you, and it’s just that you haven’t been focusing on this love or this person. You have been too wrapped up in your own pain, which then leads to the thought of “Nobody loves me.”

It’s important to recognize this first and foremost because when we are too stuck in our own pain, that makes us block out the love that’s around us. When we block out the love that’s around us, that makes it difficult for us to receive love into our life.

Exercise: Think of someone who loves you

Here, stop and think. Think about the people around you. Think about your friends, your family members, your co-workers or your schoolmates, your mentors/teachers, your acquaintances, or just anybody in general. Think of at least one person who shares positive feelings about you. This can be feelings of love. Of admiration. Of like. Of support. Of encouragement. It doesn’t have to be romantic love because love isn’t just about romantic love, but here it’s love in terms of human universal love.

Think of at least one person who loves and supports you.

Chances are you’re going to think of one person. This can be someone who has supported you before. Encouraged you before. Been there for you before. It could be an ex-friend, a friend whom you were in contact with before and then somehow lost touch. It could be someone from your past. It could be someone in your present now.

When you start recognizing this, it starts to change this dynamic, this thought of “nobody loves me.” Because then you realize, Hey this may not really be true in the way that I think it is true.

At the end of it all, I want you to know that I love you. That’s important for me to say to you because the very premise of why I started PE is that I truly, truly believe in your potential for success in life. That’s why I create all these resources at PE, be it the free resources or the paid courses. These are resources that I’ve dedicated my whole life, my whole self into creating because I believe in your own personal ability and personal power.

So I just want to put it out there that I love you. But most importantly, there are people in your life who love you. Be aware of these people, beyond what I’m saying here. Be aware of these people and start being open and recognize love around you as and when you see it.

2) True self-love should not come from an external source

The second thing I want to share is that love should not come from an external source.

Now, even if you truly think that nobody loves you, well that doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter because love (for ourselves) shouldn’t come from an external source. True self-love should fundamentally come from within us.

This is important to recognize because we shouldn’t be looking upon the outside world for the feeling of love. So it’s not about whether you have love from one person or 10 people. It’s not some competition where you try to get as much love as you can from others. True self-love should come from within.

And when the love isn’t coming from within, or there’s something stuck inside keeping the love coming from within, then it doesn’t matter how many people are loving you right now. You would still not truly feel the love from around you. You would still feel those moments of self-negativity because it hasn’t clicked on the inside yet, in that you haven’t resolved this inner issue or the inner turmoil, and that’s something I talk about in tip #3.

Example: Celebrities dealing with self-love issues

An example would be celebrities. It’s not uncommon to see news about celebrities dealing with addiction, overdoses, or deep inner problems. Oftentimes this is because of personal inner issues that they’re working through. Issues of self-love. Depression. These can be people like Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, and even celebrities in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s important to seek help for this.

But it is important to recognize that these celebrities have millions, hundreds of millions, and billions of fans adoring them. Even then, despite all the adoration they get from the fans and their huge popularity, they still feel moments of such intense negativity that lead them to their personal issues.

This is also why in Soulmate Journey, which is my course on finding love, one of the very basic foundational modules is the importance of self-love. Because if we seek an external relationship on the basis of wanting to feel love, that’s not really going to solve the problem. It’s going to attract fear-based people. Or put you in a codependent relationship where you often seek your partner’s attention to feel loved. And when you don’t [get that], then you feel needy and clingy or you feel unhappy and upset.

This brings me to this quote by Ayn Rand, which is “To say I love you, one must first know how to say the ‘I’.” Here, the point is not to focus on how supposedly “nobody loves me.” Because it is not about whether nobody loves you or somebody loves you, but why would it matter whether somebody loves you right now? Why would this matter, if not for the fact that there is a feeling of emptiness within that’s causing you to feel this way?

Now this doesn’t negate what we are talking about in tip #1 which is to recognize that there is somebody who loves you. But rather, when we stop to think about the people around us who love us, and that there are people around us who love us (be it love, admiration, adoration, support, or encouragement), and yet we still find ourselves thinking “nobody loves me,” then it suggests that there’s some kind of gap, issue, or blockage within that’s stopping us from receiving the love.

3) Understand and address the source of “nobody loves me”

This brings me to my third point, which is to understand and address the source of this feeling. Here is where we really get to the root of it: understanding the source of this belief, “Nobody loves me.”

• How did it start?
• When did it start?
• Why is this thinking there?

This may take a while to unravel, and it may even go deep into your childhood. Because this is where most of our foundational beliefs start forming, and this forms the basis of a lot of the work that I do with my participants in my courses.

My experience: Growing up with an angry mother

For me, when I think about this thought “nobody loves me,” there are probably two key sets of experiences leading of this.

One of which I shared at the beginning of the podcast, which would be my childhood upbringing, where my mom was just not really there. Like not there in terms of the spirit, if it makes sense. I felt like she was there in terms of someone who performed the functional duties of a mother — which I am grateful to her for, for raising me and my brother — but it was somewhat damaging to me, I think, the way that she raised me in terms of the other elements of her behavior. Such as her anger outbursts and how she would often shut me off, even in times when I needed her.

So there was a time when I had fever and I think I was 13 or 14. I was a young kid and running a somewhat high fever. She was going to take me to the doctor, like I told her about it and the next step would be to take me to the doctor. On the way to the clinic, she started shouting, criticizing, and reprimanding me for walking slowly. And I was already dizzy and walking in the hot sun and trying to keep up with her fast walking speed. So that was one memory.

Another experience I shared in my article on childhood stories. When I was young, and I was six or seven at this time, there was soap that went into my eyes and I thought I was going blind. I was smarting in my eyes and I already knew from past experience that my mom would tell me not to disturb her while she went about her household chores. But in reality, she was never free. My mom was just never available regardless of what was happening.

So I knew from experience that I shouldn’t talk to my mom, or that I should avoid triggering any negativity by simply not talking to her.

So that was a moment when I was really scared. I was scared that I was going blind. So I started to tell her about this, and true to that, she started shouting at me, saying that I was disturbing her. When I pressed on further because I truly was feeling discomfort in my eye(s), she just quickly looked at me and said I was fine, and then brushed me away and continued doing what she was doing which was laundry at that time.

All these moments added together, along with the constant arguing in the household between my mom and my dad on a daily basis, all these moments created a feeling of void and emptiness. And this was not something that I was aware of at that point as a child. I think as children, we are just not aware of the feelings going through [our minds]. But that doesn’t mean that these feelings are not happening. We are not aware of these feelings forming, but they do affect us in our life, if not at that point in time.

So thinking back, when I thought about why I would have this recurring thought “Nobody loves me,” I realized that a part of the reason is that all these moments, this upbringing, created a feeling of void in the family and made me feel like nobody loved me.

Another experience: Bullying in school

So there would be one set of experience, family. A different set of experience would be — and this would be to a lesser extent, like the main set of experience is my childhood and my family upbringing — school.

Because of all these things happening at the family level and parental level, that make me a very awkward child in school. In the sense that my mom, in addition to what was happening at home, inhibited me from talking when I was a kid. Like literally talking in any way, and this would be a separate topic for a separate post or podcast.

But she basically inhibited me from talking, so I never really got to speak or develop my communication skills as a child, except in school. So when it came to school and forming friendships, I was very socially awkward. I couldn’t really express myself or my thoughts in the way I would have if I was given the space to naturally talk as a kid.

So that made me socially awkward and made it difficult for me to form proper friendships. So I was bullied in school. You know girl cliques and all these very childish behaviors that would go on in school. And there were guys and guys being nasty to girls and all that too. So there were a lot of these experiences where I would be negatively teased, bullied, put down, or criticized and I never really knew how to handle these situations. These contributed to me feeling worse about myself.

So these two sets of experiences hand in hand cultivated this feeling of “nobody loves me.”

It was when I was 18 years old when I started having the first moments of liberty because that was when college started and I entered university. I started having the starting reins of independence. Of being given the space to handle my life. I guess it was when I was 18-19 when I also truly started the journey of conscious self-development, which I feel should have and could have happened much earlier. But for me, that was when I really started conscious self-development and learning about myself, my life purpose, figuring out my values, and so on.

Debunking these negative memories

When I think back to these core moments that caused me to think “nobody loves me,” challenging these thoughts became important. Because it is not true what I had concluded at that point.

a) Debunking my negative childhood upbringing and the conclusion “Nobody loves me”

For example, with the way my mom treated me, how she was emotionally unavailable and so on, when I thought about it, it’s not true that her behavior meant that nobody loves me. I would say a large part of it had to do with herself. Her and herself, and her stories, and maybe the way my grandma raised her. I have no idea how my grandmother raised her; my grandmother has passed away, and to be honest, I don’t know much about the past because these are simply not things that my parents talk about in any way. But I do believe, thinking back, that my grandmother probably treated my mom in a very similar fashion when she was growing up.

And there are obviously a lot of baggage and negative stories that come from being part of a low-consciousness upbringing. My parents came from very low-income households and I was raised in a low-income household, and I think that there are a lot of difficulties and problems that come associated when you’re dealing with [deep financial] struggles in life.

So I would say that my mom’s own emotional unavailability, issues, and anger, they had more to do with her and her stories, and the kind of upbringing that my grandparents put her through rather than it being about me.

Now as a child growing up, the only conclusion that I could derive at that point, from my own [limited] subset of life experiences then, would be that nobody loves me. Nobody loves me. That I’m alone in this world. That maybe my mom hates me. That people hate me.

So thinking back, clearly this is not true. My mom did the best she could. Despite the limited circumstances, she did her best and that’s something that I’m grateful to her for. Similarly, if my mom didn’t love me in the way that she could or my dad didn’t love me in the way that he does, then they wouldn’t have worked so hard in the routines that they were in to raise me. My dad was always busy working in a low-income job, raking in the dough, supporting the family financially. My mom was always busy with the household chores, the laundry, the cooking — just toiling her 30s, 40s, the good parts of her life away to care for the household. These are not easy jobs at all. So clearly this belief is simply not true.

b) Debunking my negative school experiences and the conclusion “Nobody loves me”

As for my experience with school, basically these were just kids struggling in their own personal growth, their self-identity, discovering who they were on the inside. Just as I was working through my own problems, the other kids were also working through their own problems. Not really being self-aware. The people, the kids who were being critical or nasty, they were just doing their own thing, figuring themselves out.

And there was really no need to interpret, even if subconsciously, that any of these experiences had any meaningful meaning because they pretty much didn’t. They were really just a bunch of kids growing and figuring themselves out in life.

So thinking back and addressing these stories then helped me break out of this belief of “nobody loves me.” Because it’s simply not true. It was an erroneous belief that was formed from a bunch of random incidences that just happened that way, that really had nothing to do with me.

Objectively seeing these incidences as they were and unraveling them then helped me break out of this thought of “Nobody loves me,” and to recognize the love that’s around me, all around me right now, be it the love from my husband, the love from the people around me, the love from people who love me, and the love from you guys. My readers.

Gratitude to you, my readers

I want to express how grateful I am to you guys for allowing me to do what I do. Thank you for being patient with me in the past one year or more, where I haven’t really been updating the blog much, where I’ve been busy working through things, and I’ve pretty much been silent. I felt that if there’s nothing good to share, then just don’t say anything — and by that I mean in terms of content. I didn’t (and still don’t) believe in writing and churning out stuff for the sake of it. I wanted everything to matter especially if I’m writing out something and many people would be reading that. I wanted to make sure that it counts for something, that I’m treasuring your time spent in reading my material. And I just want to thank you for supporting my work and allowing me to do what I do.

So whatever it is, whatever capacity that you support the blog, be it by just listening to my podcast, reading the emails, buying my products, or joining my courses, I’m grateful for that. I just want to let you guys know and put this out there so thank you so much. :)

Exercise: Probe into the feeling, “Nobody loves me”

Now back to the point which is to understand and address your feelings for thinking this way. If you think that nobody loves you and you have moments when you think nobody loves you, I would like you to start questioning this thought. Start thinking further and probing into this feeling, “nobody loves me.”

Because is it really true?

Think back to when this feeling started. Chances are it’s going to go back to childhood.

• Probably from some childhood upbringing.
• Some experience you had when you were a child.
• Maybe some comment someone said to you.
• Maybe a series of experiences that you had.
• Maybe from how your parents raised you.
• Could also be to do with school experiences.
• It could also be from the lack of experiences that you had with your parents, with your mom, your dad.

Try to pinpoint and understand where this feeling came from, when it started.

As you do that, question this assumption or conclusion of “nobody loves me.” Is it true that because Event A happened that “nobody loves me”?

You saw how I shared my breakdown just now. I shared the experiences, or some of them, when I developed this thought, even if unconsciously. At the point when I was a kid, I wasn’t aware that this thought was formed, but as an adult looking back and thinking back, I realized that some of these moments might have led to the conclusion, “nobody loves me.”

So then, question the thought: Is it true that because this happened, that Event A happened, that nobody loves me? Chances are you’re going to find that it’s not true. You’re going to find that it was an erroneous conclusion made at that point when you didn’t know better. When you could only conclude things in this way. And then looking back as your adult self today, you’re able to break apart that incident and recognize that this feeling of “nobody loves me” might not really be what you think it was. That it was more of an erroneous conclusion formed at the point in time when you didn’t know better.

The above might sound a little bit confusing, and I go into these things much deeper in my courses, but hopefully you understand what I’m trying to say here. There were incidences that happened when we were a child that made us think a certain way, but often time these incidences don’t mean that. And we only concluded that conclusion, that thought, that belief, because we didn’t know better at that point in time. Because there was limited data. And when we truly go back and question that experience, then we find that our belief was formed from a set of poorly formed conclusions, a set of poorly understood experiences.

Really take the time out to understand and address your feelings for thinking this way. This tip is super, super important because this forms the foundational basis of how we see ourselves, really addressing this belief of “nobody loves me.”

4) Work on your self-love

My fourth and last tip is to start working on your self-love.

So we have already addressed and looked into the fundamental basis of how this feeling of “nobody loves me” got formed. The next step is to work on your self-love, because we can never stop working on that.

If we ever feel that nobody loves me, remember here it’s about first loving ourselves. When we love ourselves, and we start loving ourselves, then we’ll be able to truly appreciate and see the love that’s coming from around us.

So ask yourself: Are there things that you are doing that’s keeping you from self-love? Come up with a list of actions that you can take to start loving yourself. Maybe you are often really hard on yourself — and this may be something I want to do a podcast on, about not being hard on yourself — but maybe you’re just often being hard on yourself. Maybe you’re often pushing yourself. You’re often berating yourself. You’re often being critical of yourself. And these are things that you shouldn’t do to yourself. These are things that shouldn’t be happening. And these are things that you can stop doing to herself.

Now instead, start appreciating you.

• Start loving you.
• Start loving your body, if you aren’t already doing that.
• Start loving your beautiful facial features.
• Start loving your hair, if you aren’t already loving that.
• Start loving your face.
• Your whole self.
• Your work, what you create.
• Start loving your behavior.
• Your actions.
• Start loving your goals.
• Your attitude.
• Your beliefs.

There is no dichotomy between self-love and self-improvement. We can love ourselves and also be working on our personal growth at the same time. It is from truly loving ourselves that we see this opportunity for personal growth.

And personal growth not initiated or rooted in a place of fear or competition or feeling that we are not good enough. But rather, personal growth rooted in seeing all the unlimited potential we have and how we can simply be better.

So here, as you work on your self-love, also work on the things that you love to do. The goals that you wish to achieve. The things that you wish to do for yourself. Taking the time out for self-care. Taking the time out to support yourself in your endeavors. Taking the time out for your personal goals.

Think about the things you love to do. And the things that you can do to start loving yourself or to love yourself more. And start working on them today.

Closing Note

We’ve come to the end of the podcast. If you think that nobody loves you, or you have moments when you think that nobody loves you, I just want to remind you that this is not true. There is someone who loves you and most importantly, you love you and you should love you.

If ever there’s something blocking you from loving yourself, then it’s simply about understanding what it is. Why this blockage is. Where this blockage is. And then addressing that as I’ve shared in the tips of this podcast.

I hope you’ve found this podcast helpful. I’ll be including links to related articles and resources in the show notes, so you can check them out.

If you’ll like today’s podcast or you appreciate The Personal Excellence Podcast, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time out to leave a positive review on iTunes. That would truly mean the world to me and help spread the podcast to more people out there.

I look forward to speaking to you guys soon, this time definitely not one year later! Let me know what episodes you guys are interested to see, what kind of topics you guys are interested to see. Or even, you can record a question for me at personalexcellence.co/podcast — there’s a link where you can send a voice question over to me.

So until next time, remember you’re beautiful, you’re complete, you’re perfect the way you are. Whatever it is, I love you and most importantly, you love you and you should love yourself. Talk to you guys soon. Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• What Childhood Stories Are You Replaying Today?
• How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents (series)
• My History with Anger and How I Let Go of It (series)
• How To Deal With Moments of Negative Self-Worth [Podcast]

(Images: Girl with teddy, Lotus bud, Child alone, Girl in classroom, Woman in forest)

Have you ever felt like you’re alone sometimes? That you’re facing life’s struggles but you’re going through so much pain alone? That no one seems to understand what you’re going through?

I hear you. Today, I just want to record a quick podcast to let you know that you’re not alone. Listen to the episode below:

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, TuneIn, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Overcast, Castbox, or subscribe to the RSS feed.

The Personal Excellence Podcast

You’re not alone

Show Podcast Information

Read the transcript for this episode here.

If you find The Personal Excellence Podcast helpful, please take a minute to leave a nice rating on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to the podcast. Your rating makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to more people out there. Thank you! :)

You’re Not Alone [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone, Celes here from PersonalExcellence.co. Today, I just want to record this podcast to let you know that… you’re not alone.

For some of you listening to this, maybe you’re going through some kind of problem right now. Some kind of struggle, issue. Whatever it is that you’re going through, I just want to do a shout-out and let you know that you’re not alone.

I know that life can be really sucky sometimes. Sometimes, we can be trying our best but we face obstacle after obstacle. Sometimes we may be dealing with problems that are so difficult that we wonder if there will ever be a way out. Sometimes it can be a tough struggle just getting through life itself. And whenever we are going through times like this, it can feel very isolating and very debilitating.

If you’re experiencing any struggle or pain right now, I just want let you know that you’re not alone and I totally understand how you feel.

I myself, I have been going through problems myself too. I shared a couple of episodes back on the work and business challenges that I had been facing in the past years. If you haven’t listened to the episode, you can check it out here: Challenges I’m Facing Today

I also face life struggles as well. I find that the world today is a little bit of an alienating one for me. I find myself increasingly distanced from the way the world is today, the mass society I mean. Consumerism, all the mad chase for money as an end goal in itself. The pursuit of certain objectives without interest or care for the society and the universe at large — which I find somewhat depressing. I just feel a general alienation in terms of the person I am today, the kind of values that I want to uphold and follow, from the general values of the society that I’m living in, which is very much about materialism, self-driven pursuits, and blind conformism. So I do feel alone in that respect.

I understand if you are going through health struggles or any kind of chronic issue or condition. I was going through a series of chronic, symptomatic health issues — and it’s all okay now — but I was going through some symptomatic health issues in the past years (which I may write about in the future). The process of seeking help, trying to find a solution, trying to uncover what the heck is going wrong — it was a frustrating and a bit of an isolating one. Because I found that certain health care practitioners may not really care about you and what you are looking for, as much as it’s more of a patchwork scenario, where they just want to cover up the symptom or fix the symptom (with unnecessary medication or medication that may cause other problems in the long term) as opposed to really uncovering the root issue. And I find this somewhat common in today’s Western healthcare.

So whatever it is that you’re going through… Work. Health. Relationship. Life issues. General struggles. Pain. Frustration. Financial worries. Financial struggles. I just wanna let you know that you are not alone.

I have written about quite a number of the issues that I used to face. For example,

• Emotional eating, binge eating
• Body image struggles
• Feeling inferior about my looks, my body, my femininity
• Going through heartbreaks, moving on
• Growing up in a dysfunctional family unit
• Having trouble finding love for a long time
• Disappointment
• Work struggles
• Anger issues

If you are facing any of these issues, feel free to check out the series that I’ve linked to above. There, I share detailed tips on what I went through in the past and how I worked through these issues. Hopefully, you’ll find these tips helpful for you.

Whatever it is that you’re going through — just keep at it. Keep at it and stay strong. Do what you can. We may not be able to change all the problems that we’re dealt with. We may not be able to change everything around us. But we do what we can. We do what we can to improve and change the situation. We do what we can to solve the problems.

Soon, we will find that the good things will start coming our way. That things will start moving up. And things will get better. This I promise you. Things will get better as long as you keep trying and keep going. Just never give up.

So that’s it for today’s episode. If you have a question for me, any issue or problem that you’re facing, feel free to post your question via the podcast page at personalexcellence.co. There, you can record your question in the form of an audio clip and I may well answer it in the next episode.

Until next time, remember: You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. Sending a HUGE hug to you wherever you are in the world. Remember you’re not alone, okay? Bye guys!

Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

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When we get angry with our loved ones, we often say or do things that we later regret. We isolate ourselves from our partner/parent/child/friend, fuming and feeling upset — yet deep down, what we yearn for is to reconnect with him/her.

This sculpture, created by Alexander Milov for the Burning Man Festival 2015, captures just that. Titled “Love,” it features two wire-frame adults after a fight, distanced and sitting with their backs facing each other.

What’s interesting are the two children inside the wire-frames, trying to reach and touch each other — despite their physical bodies facing the other way.

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Milov says:

“It demonstrates a conflict between a man and a woman as well as the outer and inner expression of human nature. Their inner selves are executed in the form of transparent children, who are holding out their hands through the grating.

“As it’s getting dark (night falls) the children chart to shine. This shining is a symbol of purity and sincerity that brings people together and gives a chance of making up when the dark time arrives.”^[1]

More pictures of the sculpture:

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In many ways, it is true. When we get angry at a loved one, we may seem irate and repelled by them. But deep down we really care. Our love is just not being manifested in a constructive or healthy way. If there is a way for us to reconnect, to be back together in peace, we would want to do that. But first, we have to put aside our adult egos and pain.

Some gentle notes for all of us:

1. The next time you are angry at someone, focus on the loving spirit of your inner child. Remember that underneath your anger is love for the other person.
2. Learn to regulate your emotions. If you feel angry or upset, find ways to manage and release these emotions without throwing them at your loved one. Give each other the space to cool down. Leave the room, go for a walk, close your eyes and breathe, or do something else.
3. Focus on the conflict. What’s causing the conflict? How can you solve it? What help do you need from your loved one? What actions can you take? How can you resolve this together?
4. Repair. Nobody’s perfect. There will be times when we say or do something we didn’t mean to (such as yelling or sniping at him/her). Focus on repairing the relationship by talking to our loved one after the event: state what happened, why what we did was wrong, and what we’ll do differently next time. Take responsibility for our actions and don’t blame him/her.
5. When the dust has settled, reinforce your love for each other. Talk with a cooled head and figure out ways to solve the problem and avoid such outbursts next time.

The forgiving, open and free nature of children is your true nature. Inside each angry person is a hurt child trying to connect. Remember that when you are with your loved ones.

Share this post with your loved ones to let them know you care. Read as well:

• How Anger Affects the Brain and Body [Infographic]
• How to Let Go of Anger (series)

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A while back I received an email from my client C:

During our recent session, you asked me when was the first time I feared not being heard or being mocked. I’m currently introspecting about this.

There’s a moment from my past that I don’t know if I experienced it or not… I wonder if I had witnessed my father beating up my mother before.

This morning, when I was in the shower, I got my answer. I did witness it (this was many years ago). However, I did/said nothing to help my mom at that time. I wanted to tell my dad to stop but I couldn’t speak up because I felt that I wouldn’t be heard and also, I was too small then. I think this is the root cause of my fear. Realizing this made me feel guilty for not helping her. I felt so helpless that I cried.

This is a terrible memory. What should I do? I’m afraid of situations of violence towards women and I think it’s too much for me to handle.

Do you have some precious advice for me?

Subsequently I had a few exchanges with C which gave me more insight into the situation. Apparently her dad had been hitting her mom since C was a kid (it’s not clear whether it’s still going on since she no longer lives with her parents), and she witnessed many of these incidents. C never told anyone about this nor interjected except for one time. However, this did not solve the problem as the abuse continued after that.

When C told me this, I immediately empathized with her. This is not an easy situation to be in. On one hand, she loves her mom and wants to stand up for her. On the other hand, there is her dad, whom she cares about too, but who had been harming her mom. And then there are other struggles and considerations on what to do. Call the police? But what if others get wind of this shameful incident? Stop my dad? But what if he hits me too? Talk to my mom? But what if she denies it? But what if this continues?

These didn’t change my advice for her though, which is that domestic abuse should never be tolerated or allowed to continue in any form.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic violence (also domestic abuse, spousal abuse, family violence) is a pattern of violent or abusive behavior by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in a marriage or during cohabitation. Allow me to share some stats on domestic violence from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• Every minute, nearly 20 people are victims of physical violence by a partner in the United States. This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
• 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
• Historically, females are most often victimized by someone they knew.
• Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And this is a figure from 2003. An estimated 201,394 women are raped by an intimate partner each year.
• On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are made to domestic violence hotlines in U.S.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
• Intimate partner violence (i.e. abuse by a significant other) accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
• Almost one-third of female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• Last but not least… most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

While these stats apply to the U.S., they give you an idea of how widespread domestic violence is.

As a woman, domestic violence has an emotional place in my heart. It’s not because domestic violence tends to happen to women (I imagine I’d be equally passionate even if I were male), but because (a) I dislike people who abuse their strength to harm the weak, and (b) physical violence goes beyond what we should do as conscious beings; it’s inexcusable.

I’ve never been in domestic violence situations, but I have heard of stories from my clients and a friend who grew up in abusive households. For them, it was their dads who hit their moms. When they tried to intercept, their dads would beat them up too. And my friend is a girl. The abuse decreased as they grew up, probably because they are now adults who can fend for themselves. But there’s no telling when their dads would flare up again.

Signs of Domestic Abuse

We hear of people dealing with abuse and we get outraged, wondering why these people put up with the situation. But for the person in the abusive relationship/household, it’s not always clear-cut because you see both the good and bad sides of the person. Things can get blurred. The abuser can be nice to you but abusive to your family member. The abuser may make you think it’s your fault. Your culture may normalize abuse and make it seem like it’s normal (it’s not). Or you may be traumatized by the ordeal and block it off mentally, like what happened to my client C.

Here are some signs that you are facing domestic abuse:

• The clearest sign is of course, violence. Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or any violent physical contact is abuse. No one has the right to hit you, not even your parent. This line gets blurred in the Chinese/Indian culture, because harshly caning or hitting your children is considered normal in the name of discipline. This is something I disagree with after growing up and learning more about human rights. Light discipline at home, coupled with proper explanation and counseling is different from publicly hitting your child and screaming at him/her, or repeated physical discipline.
• Abuse can also happen through words. Threats, shaming, and intimidation are abuse. No one should make you feel less as a person. If your parent/partner shames or threatens you repeatedly, this is emotional abuse. Constant hurling of vulgarities is also a form of abuse.
• Disregard of the abuse. The person denies the abuse is happening, or even blames it on you. He/She may normalize the behavior and make you think that the abuse is normal.
• Control of your actions. The person controls your behavior to a large degree. For example controlling who you can see, what you can do, where you can go. Isolating you from others. Demanding that you do certain things. The abuser’s goal is be the center of your universe and gain dominance over your life.
• Threats. The person threatens to leave you, hurt him/herself, or kill him/herself or you if you don’t comply with his/her demands. If you have children, he/she may also threaten the safety of your children.
• Addiction. While addiction to alcohol or drugs doesn’t mean the person is an abuser, these behaviors often go hand in hand. Alcohol and drugs alter a person’s mood and makes someone more prone to violence.^[1][2]
• Frequent anger outbursts. The person gets angry so easily that you worry about what you say, do, in order not to trigger him/her. You constantly “walk on eggshells,” doing everything you can not to trigger him/her.

More warning signs of domestic abuse here, here, and here.

It doesn’t matter if the person exhibits the above 1% or 10% of the time. Abuse is abuse, and justifying it with the person’s good side (which I’m sure is true) downplays the gravity of the situation.

How To Deal With Domestic Violence

If you are dealing with abuse or witnessing abuse in your household, please don’t ignore it. Here are my recommendations:

1. It’s not your fault. People who are abused often downplay the situation. They “normalize” the abuse and think that their experience is normal, or that it’s their fault. Well it is not your fault. Do not accept, deny, normalize the situation, or blame yourself.
2. “It only happened once” is not an excuse. Once is one time too many. When someone becomes abusive, that means he/she has lost control of his/her better senses. There’s no telling when he/she will flare up again. If you witnessed an abusive act, this is worse as it means that the abuse has probably been going on for a while. Report it right away.
3. Stop wearing a mask. Tell someone. A domestic violence victim is often living in a bubble. This bubble could be self-created (the victim cuts him/herself off from others to normalize the abuse) or created by the abuser. This first step to get out of the bubble is to tell someone about your pain. This person can be anyone you trust — your friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, family. Just talking to someone can give you clarity and the power to act on the situation. Be wary of bad advice, such as if your confidant tries to downplay the abuse or convince you that it’s okay. It is not okay and it’s not normal. Speak to those who can give you sound advice and a good listening ear.
4. Talk to the victim. If you witnessed abuse, talk to the victim asap. Several reasons: (a) The victim may feel trapped, with no one else knowing about this. While you may think that you are invading his/her privacy, chances are he/she will feel relieved as he/she is no longer alone in the problem. (b) You help the victim realize that the abuse is wrong, something he/she may be normalizing. (c) You can help the victim identify practical next steps. Do not wait as this only perpetuates the abuse.
5. Call the police. Domestic violence is illegal in many countries, and new laws are drawn up to protect the victims. In the UK, a new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members came into force in 2015.^[3] Instead of taking matters into your own hands, call the police and let them know that you are in danger. The police would have a process for handling abuse. For example, helping women to get an injunction, and serving as referral agents to other professionals, such as a domestic violence and abuse agency, a woman’s refuge, and family justice center.^[4]
6. Document the abuse. This is important to make your case later in a police report or for child custody. Get as much evidence as you can of the abuse. Keep a diary and note down the dates/times of the abuse, get videos/pictures of the abuse, get pictures of any injury, and get pictures of weapons used if any. Read: Building Your Case: How to Document Abuse
7. Call a domestic abuse helpline. The people at a domestic abuse helpline are equipped to advise you and provide remedies based on your local laws. (See the end of the post for helpline numbers.) If you can’t find a helpline in your country, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor. If there’s a woman’s shelter, seek help there.
8. Leave the relationship. I understand for some women who are locked in abusive relationships (e.g. having no family in a foreign land, having financial struggles, having children in the same household with nowhere to go), it’s not possible to leave the relationship right away. It may also get you killed. I’d like to share some verbatims from domestic abuse survivors (who left their abusive relationship)^[5]:
   • ‘Do not put up with it. You are worth more… if someone is making your life hell and miserable, don’t put up with it, there is no excuse at all… and you will be happier… I can promise you, you will be happier.’ (Jacqui)
   • ‘You don’t have to be hit to be abused ….ring a helpline.’ (Sarah)
   • ‘…Tell somebody you trust …there’s help out there, whether it’s a GP, a parent, or a trusted friend, even just somebody at work, they can see it from another perspective. [My counsellor] opened my eyes to what was actually going on.’ (Mandy)
   • ‘Get help even if you have the slightest inkling.’ (Catherine)
   • To quote domestic abuse survivor Tina, things will get ‘worse and worse and worse.’ You may not be able to leave the relationship now, but it doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave. If you can’t leave right now, plan for a time when it is safe to do so. Call the helplines, talk to professionals, talk to friends who can provide good support, and work out an escape plan.
9. Create a safety plan. A safety plan is your plan to remain safe at all times. Have a survival bag — with copies of important documents, an extra set of keys, clothes, some money — that you can grab and leave at any time. Have important contacts on speed dial. Set a code word with your neighbors/friends that you can use when in trouble. Have an escape route where you can easily get out of the house. Keep weapons and dangerous objects inaccessible. Read: Create a Safety Plan

Resources for domestic abuse:

• Women’s Experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse [Health Talk]
• Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship [Help Guide]
• Is This Abuse? Abuse Defined [National Domestic Violence Hotline]
• Life after domestic violence and abuse: taking back control [Health Talk]
• Helplines:
  • Singapore: Call the AWARE Helpline at 1800 777 5555 (Monday – Friday, 3pm to 9.30pm)
  • United States: Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (toll-free, 24/7)
  • United Kingdom: Call the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline (UK) at 0808 2000 247 (24/7)

If you are an abuser, you need to stop what you are doing. Read: How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner

But do you know what happens each time you get angry? Firstly, the first spark of anger activates our amygala, the part of our brain that’s involved with the experiencing of emotions — before you’re even aware of the anger itself. This begins a chain reaction in our brain which leads to our adrenal glands secreting stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

• Cortisol is released in response to stress and low blood-glucose concentration. It functions to increase blood sugar, to suppress the immune system, and to aid in the metabolism of fat, protein, and carbohydrates.^[1]
• Adrenaline increases blood flow to muscles, output of the heart, pupil dilation, and blood sugar.^[2]
• Noradrenaline increases arousal and alertness, and focuses attention; it also increases restlessness and anxiety. In our body, it increases heart rate and blood pressure, triggers the release of glucose from energy stores, increases blood flow to skeletal muscle, and reduces blood flow to the gastrointestinal system.^[3]

In a real life dangerous situation like if we’re faced with a robber, the activation of these hormones is a good thing, because all our body’s senses and functions are now channeled to deal with the physical danger. We react quickly, we are more alert, and our heart beats faster — which will help us act fast and deal with the danger.

But when stress hormones keep getting released despite no real danger, this creates a chain of negative effects on our body.

In our brain:

1. Elevated cortisol causes a loss of neurons in our prefrontal cortex. This keeps you from making good decisions for the future.
2. Elevated cortisol kills neurons in the hippocampus and disrupts creation of new ones. This weakens short-term memory and prevents you from forming new memories properly (which is also why you may not remember what you say in an argument).
3. Too much cortisol decreases serotonin — the homone that makes you happy. This makes you feel anger and pain more easily, as well as increase aggressive behavior and lead to depression.

In our body:

1. Our Cardiovascular System:
   1. Our heart rate ↑
   2. Blood pressure ↑
   3. Blood glucose ↑ (prolonged high blood glucose can cause damage to your nerves, blood vessels, and organs)
   4. When these symptoms become chronic, our blood vessels become clogged and damage. This can lead to a stroke and heart attack.
2. Our Immune System:
   1. Thyroid function ↓
   2. Number of natural killer cell ↓
   3. Number of virus-infected cell ↑
   4. Incidence of cancer ↑
3. Our Digestive System
   1. Blood flow ↓
   2. Metabolism ↓
   3. Dry mouth ↑
4. Our other body parts:
   1. Eye sight ↓
   2. Migraine ↑
   3. Headache ↑
   4. Bone density ↓

Here’s a full infographic of the process:

(Click image for larger version (Infographic by nicabm))

So what do you do? Stop getting angry, or at the very least, reduce your intensity of anger in each conflict. Here are some simple tips:

1. Talk things calmly. Maybe your family member made you angry. Has anger helped you solve the issue? Probably not. So how about speaking in a calm way and using a different approach to tackle this? Maybe your loved ones will be more receptive when you speak calmly and nicely to them. Many of us are really seeking for love, understanding, and respect when we communicate, and shouting and being angry denies the other person of this basic understanding, which escalates an angry exchange. Read: What To Do When You Live with Angry People: 7 Gentle Tips
2. Find ways to address the issues frustrating you without anger. When you feel angry, it’s usually because your frustration has compounded to a point of explosion, and it’s too late to reel back the emotions. Plan before you get angry, not after you get angry. Make a list of things frustrating you. Address each problem and act on it before it blows up vs. dealing with it only when it happens.
3. Be the bigger person. Many times our anger comes from people not meeting our expectations. We think the person is not kind enough, not sensitive enough, not considerate enough. What are your expectations, and are they really important? Can you be the bigger person and let them go? After all, when you feel angry at others, you are the one who suffers, with the anger burning in your heart. Forgiving, not subjecting people to sky-high expectations, and learning to embrace flaws will make you a much happier person, which creates harmony for everyone. Sometimes, the difficult people are the ones who need love the most. If you have Be a Better Me in 30 Days, check out Day 25: Forgive Someone.
4. Cut off toxic relationships. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Spend time with happy, conscious people. If you are regularly frustrated with a friend, such as by his/her insensitivity or close-mindedness, then talk to him/her less often and spend your time with those who make you happy. If you don’t have such friends, maybe it’s time to make new friends. Read: Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years
5. Spend more time in nature. Nature has a healing effect on our soul and body as proven in scientific studies. In a study by Japanese researchers, it was found that walking or staying in a forest (a practice known as forest bathing) decreased hostility and depression significantly while increasing liveliness among participants.^[4] If you don’t live near nature, play videos of nature to mimic being in nature. Check out: 10 Meditation Tracks to Bring You Back to Nature
6. Divert your energy to constructive things. Frustration can come when you’ve pent up energy that’s not put into good use. Perhaps your workplace isn’t letting you utilize your skills fully. Perhaps your home environment has a lot of constraints that prevent you from resting/working. Take the time to address these environmental issues. In your spare time, read enriching sites, listen to audio books, and listen to educational podcasts. Channel your energy into your goals rather than frustrating things.

Beyond these tips, if you are constantly angry, understand the source of your anger. Why are you angry? What are you angry about? And why do these things anger you? Anger doesn’t have to be the reaction even when a situation is frustrating, and when we are constantly angry, it reflects latent anger in us that should be looked into. Read my series on how to let go of anger for life: How to Let Go of Anger (series)

Be sure to check out: The Science of Happiness [Infographic]

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Last week a course participant shared with me that she just had a hard fall in life.

She recently lost her baby, left her job, and has been working on her startup in the past year which has not taken off in the way she wanted.

She asked me if I have any thoughts on reshuffling, reprioritizing, or finding new purpose in life, as she is not really sure if what she thought she wanted before is worth it anymore.

When I heard what happened my heart immediately went out to her. I have already responded to her privately but I thought to write this post in case any of you are going through a tough phase in life.

1) Give yourself space to grief, to heal

Firstly I’m not going to tell you that what doesn’t break you will make you stronger.

Instead I’m going to tell you to grieve and take some time out for yourself first.

Our society today is very much about doing. Do, do, do. Move on. Get over things. Get over yourself.

Yet we are humans, not robots. When we fall we need time to heal and climb back up. When we have an emotional fall the wounds may not be visible, but they cut so much deeper than physical wounds. Trying to “move on” when we are still hurting and feeling lost not only hurts us, but may cut us deeper and leave us more broken.

Take some time out for yourself. To heal. To recover. To find yourself. Give yourself the space to grieve, cry, and mourn over your loss.

I recommend to journal your darkest feelings. Pour your heart out on paper. Talk to your loved ones and share your pain. Spend some time alone, by yourself. If you are working, take a few days of leave to rest and get a timeout. Work can continue for a while without you. But you, you need time to rest, recuperate, and heal, before stepping forward.

2) Think about the things that matter

Maybe you feel lost because you have been working so hard on something that amounted to nothing. Maybe you just lost your job. Maybe your marriage ended in shambles. Maybe your business is not doing well. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Or maybe you just lost your baby, a pain that no one should ever have to go through in their lifetime.

In these darkest of times, think about the things and people that matter. Your parents perhaps. Your sibling f you have one. Your partner. Your passion. Your beliefs. The people you care about, whom you’ve touched. Your children, if you have any.

And then there’s someone you may have forgotten. Your higher self. He (She) has always been there with you, quietly watching you, comforting you. He (She) has been with you through everything and wrapped his (her) hands around you and tightly hugged you in times of pain, even when you thought you were alone.

When all hope seems lost, remember that you are not alone. If you find it very hard to think about someone or something you care about, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What matters to me? What matters to me in this world?” Write down all your answers in your notebook, and write until you cry and until you can cry no more. As you lie in a state of darkness and grief, think about the things that give you light.

3) Reflect on your future

When you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, think about your life ahead.

As you stand and see your life before you, what do you wish to do moving forward?

For example, 5 years from now, what do you wish to see in your life?

• Do you want to start a family, if you don’t have one yet?
• Do you want to work on a new career?
• Do you want to run your business or start a new one if your previous business failed?
• If you’re single, do you want to be married or be in a relationship?
• Where do you see yourself living? Do you want to be living in the same country or elsewhere?
• What do you want to be doing?

It doesn’t have to be one answer but a few answers.

Doing this envisioning exercise is about getting clarity of what you want. Defining a direction that you care about. This direction can be the exact same one you were working on before. It can be a similar direction to what you were doing before but altered based on your new priorities in life. It can be a totally different one. Take this as a good timeout to think about what you want vs. just going through the motions.

For example, my course participant C told me that she felt lost because she had been working so hard on her career/business all this while and made sacrifices, yet the people there for her during her darkest hour were her family and husband. While she is working on her business today, all she can think about is her baby and family. All these things that I was chasing, that I thought that I wanted, what for? she couldn’t help but wonder.

I told her to think about what she wants to see down the road. “What do you want to see in your future, 5 years from now?” This future can involve being a full-time mom. It can involve running a successful business. It can involve having a family and running a business of meaning to you. Alternatively, it can involve returning to employment while starting a family. There are no right or wrong answers, only what inspires you and what you want to do.

The most important thing is to know that there is no right or wrong answer, only what matters to you. There is pride and joy in being a full-time mom and caring for the household. There is great fulfillment in being a single business owner. You can also be a multi-tasking parent and entrepreneur, managing family and business. Or you can be married with no kids by your choice, dedicating yourself to your goals, career, partner, and family members.

Your vision can also change along the way, and it is okay. C said to me, “I don’t want to set [a vision] that I realize I don’t really want, or that if I set a mediocre one I would feel restless after a while.” Know that our visions are meant to be dynamic reflections of what we want at this current moment. We will change, and our goals will change, and it is okay. What’s more important is that we have a vision that inspires us enough to take us forward, and we continuously update that to reflect what inspires us now. Read: When Goals Stop Working

Likewise if you are a guy, you can be a full-time dad if this is what works for you. You can be a full-fledged entrepreneur building your business. You can be a family man having a stable job and raising your family. You can be a nomad traveling across countries and speaking at different places where you go. This is no one fixed path, but the path that holds the most meaning to you. None of the path is better or more superior than the other, just different.

If you haven’t, do my life purpose exercise where you write your life purpose for 30 full minutes until you cry. It will give clarity of your overall life direction and where/how you should steer your life as you step ahead.

4) Start to pick up the pieces

When you return to life after a hard fall, it may feel disjointing. You may do X but think about Y. You may feel like you are at a loss. You may feel distanced, like you are far away from the things you are doing even though you are trying to move full steam ahead.

Start with the things you enjoy and that give you meaning. What did you enjoy doing before? Start with these.

• Maybe you enjoyed writing. Start writing a few articles. Pen down your deepest feelings. Write not for others, but for yourself.
• Maybe you liked going for walks with your partner. Add this to your routine.
• Maybe you liked watching movies. Pick a few new releases and watch them.
• Maybe you liked to travel. Plan your next vacation. Or go for a quick weekend getaway. If your finances allow and you have no immediate obligations, go on a trip for a few weeks. Clear your mind and realign your priorities.
• Maybe you enjoyed volunteering, which you find purposeful as you help out individuals in need. Go for some volunteer work that you care about.
• Maybe you liked to work as working keeps your mind moving and your work allows you to do very meaningful stuff. Take on projects that inspires you the most, that get to create the most impact.

The goal is to reintroduce the things you liked about your life back into your routine, at your own pace. Also, focus on doing things that interest you vs. doing things out of obligation. Let yourself be guided by what you want, what you love, not what you feel you have to do. The former is to be driven by love while the latter is driven by fear.

5) Start rebuilding your life

Once you are ready, it’s time to rebuild your life.

Ready meaning you are ready to reintegrate with the world. To give life your all again. To be your true authentic self.

Remember the vision you have painted in step #3? How can you get started with that?

Perhaps you lost your child and you are grieving over his passing. You still hope to have a child one day, to start a family.

When you are ready, try for another child with your partner. I know someone who lost her baby but subsequently conceived again and gave birth. Their newborn fills them with joy each day. Yet he could never have entered the world if they (the parents) didn’t decide to try again, for another baby. He doesn’t replace his lost sibling in any way, but he brings joy and love to his family all the same.

Maybe you just ended a marriage. You are still hurting but you have decided that it’s time to move on.

There’s no need to jump right back into the dating scene if you’re not ready. In fact, use this time to focus on yourself. To work on the goals you couldn’t when you were married. To date yourself and fall in love with life again as a single.

Maybe you just went through a crushing business failure or your business is tanking. You feel ashamed and you’re not sure what to do next about your business.

Remember that businesses fail all the time though. Colonel Sanders was rejected 1,009 times when he tried to sell his now famous KFC recipe. Richard Branson, business magnate and billionaire, has failed in many businesses, from Virgin Cola to Virgin Brides to Virgin Cars. Steve Jobs got fired from the very company he founded, and very publicly so (he would be famously rehired later on).

That your business has failed or yet to take off is hardly the exception but the norm, especially in today’s ultra-competitive marketplace. In fact every entrepreneur almost certainly fails a few times at least before succeeding. As Richard Branson says, “Every person, and especially every entrepreneur, should embrace failure with open arms. It is only through failure that we learn.” The focus here isn’t “How can I not fail?” but “How can I fail quickly, learn from my failures ASAP, and use these lessons to achieve my next success?” Read: Can Everyone Be Successful in Starting Their Business?

If income is a concern, get a job or do some part-time work first. Budget and save up while you work on your business on the side. Quit when you gain enough traction to make a living from your business. Read: Pursuing Your Passion With No Money

Maybe you just got retrenched. Your previous company is the only thing you’ve ever known your entire working life.

Take this as a fresh new start. Your previous company is not you. What are some goals you’ve always wanted to pursue? Hobbies? Take this chance to explore them. Is there a different industry you’d like to dip your toes in? Create a plan that safeguards your financial risks while paving your new path. Reach out to your friends, industry contacts, and headhunter agencies to understand the industry status and job openings. Attend recruitment events. Use sites like Glassdoor, Vault, and Linkedin to research and understand the inside scene of the industry better. Read: How To Start When You Have Nothing

***

To you reading this, I’m terribly sorry that you had to go through this. I wish that things could be better. I wish that I could make the pain go away.

While I can’t say that things will get easy because they may not, here’s one thing I do know: We are alive right now. You and me, we are alive. Because of that, it means the possibility to create what we want. To be with our loved ones. To touch them, cherish them. To pursue what we love. To impact others. To make a difference in the things we care about. To show appreciation to the people we love, while we still can. To create life, for some of us.

I hope you’ll be able to find the strength to carry on soon. I hope you’ll be able to break through this darkness to find light. When you do, you’ll find that the whole world has been waiting for you to re-join it all along. That everyone around you, including the people you care about and love, has been waiting for you to join them. That no matter what you think, you are never alone. That even in times of darkness, you can see a light. A light that is inside you, that is burning brightly within you.

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“How do I deal with disillusionment as I grow older? Disillusionment in the sense that I now perceive the world to be a rather cold and harsh place, filled with people who only mind their own interests.

This is in stark contrast with what I used to see the world as: a place with immense potential for good, lots of opportunities, negligible discrimination, etc. People used to be warm but now human interactions are diminishing. The hope and happiness that I used to have just by thinking about the world have turned to cynicism and depression.”

Recently, I saw this question on Quora and decided to answer it here.

I can understand feeling disillusioned as you grow older. For the past few years, I’ve been disillusioned with the blogging industry. I started creating websites in 1998 and started PE in 2008, and back then people created websites out of the love of creating and giving value to others.

But today, blogging is all about profiteering, creating email funnels, and maximizing sales. While we should definitely earn money for our work, people’s focus today seems to be to profit as the primary goal, rather than to give value.

I’ve been disillusioned with online negativity. Sometimes I don’t post anything as I find it easier to hide rather than to deal with people’s snarkiness and unhappiness. Rather than shame and create fear, we can do with more love and positivity. Anger and sarcasm seem to be everywhere these days and it’s depressing to see people attacking one after another online.

I’ve also been really disillusioned with society.

• The modern world creates so much waste today. Did you know that we create 3.5 million tons of solid waste daily and billions of pounds of plastic end up in the ocean per year, ruining marine ecosystems?^[1][2][3] Instead of fixing these issues, capitalistic economies continue to create waste on a massive level.
• Human rights are lacking even in supposedly “developed” places. Human trafficking, child trafficking, and child prostitution remain serious issues. 1.2 million children are trafficked each year while 21 million victims are trapped in modern-day slavery.^[4][5]
• There are still so many people trapped in poverty. Nearly 1/2 of the world’s population live on less than $2.50 a day even though our world is richer than it has ever been.^[6]
• In almost every country I’ve been to, there are always very poor people struggling to make ends meet. To me, this means that somewhere along the way, something has failed in the country’s governance for people to end up this way.
• When you dig into society’s structures, many of them exist to serve the super-rich, not humanity.

An old woman beggar in Afghanistan (Image)

An elderly cardboard collector in Singapore. They earn only S$2 (US$1.40) for a day of menial labor^[7], which is not enough to get one meal in Singapore. When you consider that Singapore is one of the richest cities in the world^[8], we need to ask ourselves what has gone wrong when old people cannot retire after spending 30, 40 years for a nation’s prosperity. (Image)

Yet despite these feelings, I believe that everyone does the best they can, within the limits of their consciousness.

Many people are stuck navigating the matrices of society, hence becoming victims of the forces around them. When a country’s leaders are nonchalant about their people’s suffering, maybe it’s because it’s simply not in their consciousness to care for others. For us as citizens, it is then up to us to educate, vote for better leaders, or better still, become the leader we want to see. For people who seem uncaring about what’s going on, maybe it’s because they are struggling with issues that they can’t break out of right now.

After spending the past two years of my life feeling extremely disillusioned, I realized that disillusionment doesn’t change anything. It will only kill you as you look at the world in pain. So how do we deal with disillusionment in a positive way?

1) Recognize that disillusionment is better than ignorance

Firstly, know that disillusionment (while unpleasant) is far better than ignorance.

So you’re disillusioned because you discovered many problems in the world. This is a good thing. Because as opposed to living in an illusion, you have broken out of it. While it may feel jarring at first, this is normal as you come to terms with reality.

For me, I would much rather know the ugly truth rather than hide in a web of falsehoods. With the former, at least I know what is happening, after which I can do something about it. With the latter, I may be “happier” but I don’t know what’s going on. This was exactly what was happening before I became disillusioned. Even though I was “happier,” the issues were around me. I was happier because I didn’t know that the issues were there, not because there were no problems with the world.

By knowing the ugly truth now, it is better as I have insight into how the world and people work. Knowledge is power and knowledge will help you plan ahead. Even though change may not happen right away, awareness is the first crucial step.

2) Turn your disillusionment into action

When you first learn about the problems of this world, it’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry.

Know that anger will not change the world. Neither will sadness or apathy. You can feel angry all day long or spend your entire life feeling upset with the world, but it will not change your life in any way. It will only bring you down and make life miserable.

What you need to do is to take action. To turn your anger and disappointment into action. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What exactly are you disillusioned with? Why?
2. What can you do about this?
3. What role can you play in the bigger picture?

For me, I believe the first step to many problems today is to raise the consciousness of people — starting with education. When someone doesn’t know what is going on, they cannot be part of the solution. Worse still, they become part of the problem as society’s default structures today lead people into low consciousness behaviors (such as materialistic behaviors like endless shopping, eating junk food, and buying things we don’t need).

Educate people through conversation and sharing your thoughts on social media. Involve your friends and colleagues in a non-intrusive discussion while respecting their views and personal space. This is infinitely more powerful than empty gossip or banter.

Let’s say you have talked to the people around you and you are ready to take things to the next level. Think about what you can do next. What can you do to drive more awareness and create change? For example, can you start a business? A blog to share what you know? A YouTube channel? A foundation to initiate change? A meetup group to engage others? An initiative where you involve others to make a difference? Or something else?

Example: Bill Gates, solving world’s poverty

All of us know Bill Gates, the co-founder of Microsoft and one of the richest men in the world. After trying to bring computers to impoverished areas of Africa in the late 1990s, he realized how ridiculous that idea was when he saw their living conditions. He said, “Hmm, which is more important, connectivity or malaria vaccine? If you think connectivity is the key thing, that’s great. I don’t.“^[9]

Around that time, he visited a South African hospital for treating people with tuberculosis, after which he called his wife Melinda. She said in an interview,

“We often call each other when we are the road. Almost every day. But it was a different call. Bill was really quite choked up on the phone … Because he’d seen firsthand in a TB clinic hospital how awful it is to have that disease … He literally said to me, ‘It’s a death sentence. To go into that hospital is a death sentence.’ ” (Read: Why Bill Gates Became a Philanthropist)

Subsequently, they decided to start a foundation to enhance healthcare and reduce extreme poverty. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has been going strong since 1997, had an endowment of US$44.3 billion as of 2014, and has committed billions of dollars of funding to many areas in the developing world such as infectious disease control, malaria control, HIV/AIDS control, tuberculosis control, reproductive health care, basic nutrition, among others, thereby protecting millions of children from death by preventable diseases.^[10][11] As of 2007, Bill and Melinda Gates were the second-most generous philanthropists in America, having given over $28 billion to charity. They plan to eventually donate 95% of their wealth to charity.^[12]

Example: Personal Excellence, helping others grow

Some of you may be thinking, I’m no Bill Gates, I don’t have the kind of money he has. I can’t make any change. Like what I shared in One Man’s Impact On The World, you can’t underestimate the power of your actions. I started Personal Excellence in 2008 with no startup capital, no contacts, no industry knowledge, and no external aid. Today PE has over one million pageviews a month, reaching out to people from over 200 countries and territories around the world.

Most importantly, it has allowed me to reach out to you. To think that our actions have no impact on others is a fallacy. We’re all interconnected in this world, more so today than ever. With the internet and globalization, our actions and purchases have a direct impact on which business thrives and fails, and whether someone can get a much-needed message that may well change their life forever.

We all live in the same world and we are already connected in more ways than one. What can you do to positively change the world into a better place? (Image)

Example: Lauren Singer, zero-waste living

Here’s another example. Lauren Singer was 21 and studying Environmental Studies at New York University when she saw the discrepancy between what she was studying and what she was doing in real life. Around her, she saw fellow students creating lots of plastic waste with single-use plastic disposables (straws, plastic bags, takeout containers, plastic fork/knife), while she herself was creating lots of plastic waste too — something that all of us are essentially doing today.

She said, “I felt like such a hypocrite. We’re supposed to be saving the planet, and here you are making all this trash.”^[13]

This was when she decided to change her lifestyle and live a zero-waste life. At the age of 22 (in 2013), she started her blog Trash is for Tossers where she teaches people to live a zero-waste lifestyle. She started her YouTube channel in 2014 which has over 74,000 subscribers today, and since been profiled by CNN, BBC, MSNBC, ABC News, and AOL. The combined trash she has created over the past 4 years fits into a small mason jar, while the total trash generated by an average person in a day is easily 20 times of that! Lauren started her business The Simple Co in 2014 which makes organic, vegan cleaning products safe for your body and the environment. And she’s just 26 (as of 2017).

You can’t assume that you’re not in a position to create change. Neither can you assume that what you want to do won’t have value. No matter your age, young or old, you have the power to influence and impact others. There are people out there waiting to be influenced and it starts with you. The clock is ticking. If there’s something you can do to impact others, what would you do? What would you say to them?

3) Be empathetic to others

Along with action, comes empathy. Respecting each other as humans. Recognizing that all of us have our individual needs, fears, hopes, and dreams, and we are not soulless objects to be used. Loving each other as people.

Growing up in Singapore where its annual GDP grew by more than 14 times and its population more than doubled in the past 30 years to the point where common spaces are intensely congested^[14][15], I noticed something. As a society becomes intensely urbanized, where more greenery is stripped from the land and people are filed into pigeon-hole environments to pursue never-ending material goals, I find that we begin to (a) associate less value with a human’s life and their emotions, and (b) assign more weight to objects, material wealth, and a person’s status. A nation’s relentless focus on economic growth shapes its people’s identity in more ways than you know.

Crowded streets everywhere in over-populated cities. Depending on where you live, it’s no longer possible to have some peace and quiet to yourself, sometimes even in your own home. (Image)

As a nation pushes on with endless GDP goals, I feel that people start to lose their humanity, in the same way that I feel that the people in Japan and South Korea are losing theirs.

• At the moment, Japan and Korea have one of the highest suicide rates in the world.^[16] On top of that, one of the lowest birth rates in the world (Singapore now has the lowest fertility replacement rate in the entire world as of 2017).^[17] In Japan, an average of 70 Japanese people commit suicide daily. It is common for people to kill themselves by jumping in front of a train, with public train delays due to suicide (by train) a common affair.^[18][19]
• Large segments of their populations have lost interest in being in a relationship, citing lack of time, economic reasons, and no interest in the opposite sex as reasons.^{[20][21][22][23]}
• Instead, Japanese singles are turning to (a) virtual dating apps with video game characters; (b) services like cuddle cafes, host clubs, and purchasable dates; and (c) porn/erotica to fulfill individual elements of their relationship needs.^{[24][25][26][27][28][30]} When you dissect parts of people’s life and push them to pursue material objectives independent of their personal needs, people also start to dissect their individual relationship needs and fulfill them in transactional ways.  
• In Japan, there are deep social issues like child exploitation and Hikikomori where people withdraw from social life and seek extreme confinement instead, where they don’t leave their home for over 6 months.^[30][31]

Individually there is nothing wrong with some of these behaviors as some people may simply prefer to live that way. But when entire segments of a population start to recluse, opt out of social and romantic relationships, or even opt to die, that’s when it’s clearly a macro-problem rather than a situation of individual choice. That’s when the leaders, especially past leaders, need to seriously reflect on what they have done with their national direction.

Aside from the above, there’s also the internet which has dehumanized interactions as we can now easily reach out to masses behind a computer screen. For some people, rudeness has become an automatic behavior as people stop appearing as real people but simply online handles with a profile pic.

The best we can do is to be empathetic first — being sensitive to others’ feelings and predicaments. Seeing people as people, not objects or tools. Showing care and concern for everyone, even if they may appear difficult. Giving a smile. Practicing emotional generosity. As we care for others, they will begin to open their hearts too.

Read:

• How To Be Empathetic
• The Secret To Meaningful Social Relationships
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days, my premium program to be a better you in just 30 days

4) Do the best you can

Last but not least, do the best you can.

For a while, I was really angry at the problems I was seeing in the world. I was angry at the fraudulent folks in my industry, misrepresenting products and causing people to run in circles with their false claims. I was angry at the social injustices in my country. I was angry at how people can be so apathetic, disinterested, or even ignorant about the issues happening before them. As someone who knows the power of media, I felt really disappointed when I saw the media being repeatedly used to spread propaganda rather than raise people’s consciousness.

But ultimately, I was really angry at myself. I felt angry for being so powerless over these issues. I felt paralyzed by the size of these problems. Around me, everyone is apathetic and disengaged, interested only in things like material purchase and self-interests, but not social issues, human rights, or world problems, which are far more important in the long run.

But after a long while of feeling angry, I realized that it’s pointless to feel this way. Even though many of the problems will likely not change in the next 10 years (and some will probably become worse become they get better), at least I can work on the things I can control first. I can work on improving my life and well-being. I can continue to pursue my mission to help others grow. I can touch those I see in my daily life. I can continue to reach out to all of you through my blog. And I can devote my efforts to those of you who can benefit from my aid.

The same goes for you. While the world isn’t perfect right now, there are many things you can do at your level. Educating yourself. Educating others. Starting a blog that rallies people into action. Starting a socially-conscious venture. Spreading empathy. These are changes that you can make at your level, among others. Do not assume that you can’t make a difference, because you can. And it all starts with you and me.

You’re not the only person feeling disillusioned with what you see in the world. There are many people who are disillusioned and working to improve things too. Many are fighting to make a change — environmental / human rights / animal rights activists, coaches, counselors, healers, doctors, scientists, socially conscious entrepreneurs, philanthropists like Bill and Melinda Gates, billionaires like Warren Buffett who has pledged to give away 99% of his wealth to philanthropic causes^[32][33] along with others in The Giving Pledge.

You are not alone fighting this battle, so don’t feel that you are alone.

Freshen up. Start with what you can do first. Improve things for yourself and others around you.

When you are ready, start to really think about what you can do, at your level. No man is too small to make a change; no impact is insignificant. Think about the first change you can create. Then, the next one. Keep taking these actions, one at a time.

Individually, we may not be able to solve all the world’s issues. But together, we can make a big difference. Hopefully, by taking the maximum action at an individual level, we can positively impact others to do the same. Hopefully, by working together, you and me, we can make a difference in some people’s lives. When enough people join forces to reverse local and global issues, that’s when we’ll see the world’s problems being reversed, one at a time.

Read:

• Feeling Disconnected
• The Power of Little Changes
• One Man’s Impact On The World

• Part 1: 10 Reasons You Should Meditate
• Part 2: How To Meditate in 5 Simple Steps
• Part 3: 10 Meditation Videos to Relax Your Mind

(Image)

Did you know that being in nature can calm your mind, heal your body, and improve mental functions?

• In a study by Japanese researchers, it was found that walking or staying in a forest (a practice known as forest bathing) decreased hostility and depression significantly while increasing liveliness significantly among participants.^[1]
• A University of Michigan study found that short-term memory of test subjects improved by walking in nature, or even just by viewing pictures of nature.^[2]
• In a University of Sheffield study, it was found that natural, tranquil scenes (beach) enhanced connectivity between different brain areas, whereas non-tranquil scenes (motorway) disrupted connections within the brain.^[3][4]
• A study revealed that among patients recovering from gallbladder surgery, those assigned to rooms with windows looking out to a natural scene required a shorter stay, needed less pain medication, and had fewer post-surgical complications than those facing a brick wall.^[5][6]

While the best thing to do would be to move to more natural living environments, this may not be possible for many of us. If so, here are some free nature videos for you. These videos are great for relaxing and meditation. Watch before you sleep and feel calmed instantly.

1) Waterfall

One of my favorites, this is an HD video of a gentle waterfall to several soothing music tracks. The music starts off quiet with the sound of a waterfall, followed by nature sounds, and then builds up to a wonderful mix of people humming, tribal music, and upbeat tunes.

2) Sea Waves

Teleport yourself next to a sea now without a plane ticket. No music, only the sound of sea waves and a video of gentle waves and a palm tree swaying. Project this full screen on your TV/laptop and sit back, watch, and relax.

3) Celtic Music

This one made me feel like I was in the Lord of the Rings . This Celtic piece is composed by Peder Helland and contains gentle flute and harp tunes. Its gentle, soothing tune is great for relaxing.

4) Relaxing Piano Music

This gentle piano piece is accompanied by the gentle sound of a water stream. Like Track #3, the video is a collage of different pictures of nature. If you like this, check out this track with a more sweet and romantic vibe.

5) Deep Sleep Music #1

This video is a collage of different clips of nature, from sheep running across a mountain to flowers swaying in the wind to snowy landscapes! Just watching the video is consciousness raising. It reminds us that we are one speck in this universe and not to get lost in our problems. I recommend to listen to the music and watch the video at the same time.

6) Deep Sleep Music #2

Great for stress relief. This soft, calming piece is accompanied by a static image of a silhouette staring right up into the sky, creating the feeling like you are the only person in the universe.

7) Rain

Do you like the sound of rain? If so, this track is for you. A 10-hour clip of just rain sounds — play it while on the bed and you should fall asleep enough. :) If you prefer gentler rain sounds, click here.

8) Rainforest

This video brings you right into the heart of a rainforest with water stream and animal sounds. If you prefer just a track with water stream sounds without animal noises, click here.

9) Harp Music

Charming harp music by Peder Helland. Relax your mind and unwind after a long day.

10) Flying Through Clouds

If you like to see clouds float by when you’re on a plane, this video is for you. This video brings you right to the sky — it’s a 3-hour clip of you floating over white clouds as you fly towards the sunset (or sunrise, depending on how you see it).

Here’s a nighttime version:

This is part 3 of a 3-part series on meditation, including the benefits of meditation and how to meditate.

• Part 1: 10 Reasons You Should Meditate
• Part 2: How To Meditate in 5 Simple Steps
• Part 3: 10 Meditation Videos to Relax Your Mind